A/N: So. Almost didn't write a Christmas fic this year, because, as usual, I left it to the last minute (seriously, I did this immediately after Christmas lunch). But I figured: tradition, and besides, this is my thank you to all the darling readers who gave me so much love over 2012. Thank you to all of you, I adore you guys, and I have so much sugar in me right now, seriously. SO MUCH SUGAR. You can probably tell how rushed this was by the fact that it's all in one huge chunk without any page breaks or scene cuts, but hey. Points for effort?

Plus, hey, the world didn't end. Not that I thought it would, but I'm just happy I'll get to see Les Miserables on screen before the apocalypse. And the next season of BBC Sherlock, even though production's been postponed again.

This is also for Kyoya16 who wanted to see more Haruhi in a story, and Always A Bookworm who wanted more TamaHika (sort of? There's more to come in the OTNK-verse, of course). You are both special and adorable snowflakes.

Title loosely taken from Edith Piaf's La Foule. Translation courtesy of my sibling, who takes great pleasure in waving baguettes and crying 'OHOHOHO' ala Renge in my face all the time.

...sorry guys. Like I said, so much sugar. Onwards to the fic!

We Are One Body, Compelled and Ecstatic

by Magician April Aries

"Nous ne formons qu'un seul corps
Et le flot sans effort
Nous pousse, enchaînés l'un et l'autre
Et nous laisse tous deux
Épanouis, enivrés et heureux."

- La Foule, Edith Piaf

(We are one body,
and flow effortlessly.
We are compelled, enchained-one and the other,
and we let the both of us be
ecstatic, drunk and happy.)

"Oh, thank god you're here," Kaoru said as he opened the suite door for Haruhi, handing her a mug of eggnog and pushing her in. "Hikaru's in the kitchenette. Go, go, go."

She made a face and brushed past him. "Make sure no one eats anything he made."

Kyouya was perched on the kitchen counter, tapping away on a tablet—an early Christmas present from Fuyumi. It was nice, although he did still have his infamous black notebook(s). There was something reassuring about having things on real paper. "I have medical on standby."

"I hate all of you," Hikaru muttered. He was covered in flour and had butter in his hair, probably from running his hands through it. There were a few trays of misshapen blobs cooling near him and the air smelled of sugar and ginger.

Haruhi raised an eyebrow. "The whole reason we're in a suite is because you said you wanted to bake for our little Christmas get-together, Hikaru."

"How is that my fault? I still don't see why we couldn't have done this at our house."

"Because you somehow managed to set a pot of water on fire the last time you tried cooking," pointed out Kaoru as he sauntered over. He lifted his face so that Kyouya could press a quick kiss on his cheek. "A pot of water. I'd rather pay off the hotel for damages than treat mom and dad to a Christmas with a kitchen that looks like an arsonist got to it. And it's not that I mind reserving a suite just for this party, but Renge's probably convinced we're all having a huge Santa-themed orgy in here."

"Immediate objection on the grounds that bearded old guys are not on my kink list. If we're going to have an orgy, let me know in advance and I'll send you guys all a list of approved wardrobe options." Hikaru stuck his tongue out at him before turning to Haruhi. "If you want to avert a real disaster, you should know that milord and Hunny-sempai are both decorating the tree. And they've both had like a metric ton of sugar."

"Too late, Haru-chan." Hunny bounded in, eyes brighter than usual. "The tree already collapsed from the weight of the decorations. Takashi's fixing it. Tama-chan's sitting in his corner of woe for now." He eyed the baked blobs warily. "Hika-chan…"

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "The demon lord oversaw production. One hundred percent evil approved, baked with the fires of hell, and so on and so forth." Hunny made a happy noise of assent and reached for one. "Oh, yeah, sure. I tell you that it was made by dark forces, and you have no problem eating it. Yep. That makes perfect sense. Demonic possession should kick in any minute now. There's, like, ten grams of brimstone in every cookie."

Kyouya didn't even look up from his tablet. "Brimstone is still preferable to what you nearly made. I fail to understand how someone could mistake cayenne pepper for cinnamon. Between you and Tamaki, I've lost all faith in Darwinism. Surely natural selection should have eliminated you by now."

"It's his dashing good looks," Kaoru quipped.

Hikaru snorted. "Yeah. Every time fate wants to kill me, it takes a look and thinks, 'too hot to get rid of'."

Bumping his hip against Hikaru, Kaoru grabbed his own cookie and sank his teeth into it. It was pretty good. And he wasn't gasping for poison control yet, so he was going to count it a win. "Yes, yes, you're the prettiest princess in all the land."

"Identical twins," Haruhi pointed out with a sigh.

"Exactly," they answered at the same time.

She ignored them and sipped at her eggnog. "Why the sudden impulse to make us all cook for Christmas, anyway?"

They all exchanged looks. "Well, the world was supposed to end this 2012," Hunny piped up. "I'm sure Hika-chan was trying to make it happen."

"Hey!"

Kaoru grinned. "Hunny-sempai's the champion of baked goods everywhere, and he usually considers your cookies an offense to the existence of all sugary treats."

Hikaru swatted at him. "So demonic intervention prevented the apocalypse? There's something wrong with this scenario."

"Clearly the false apocalypse was just my dastardly marketing plan." Kyouya was muttering under his breath as he shifted a few figures on the tablet. "The end of the world panic bumped up sales for alcohol and condoms."

"Huh. Really? That's all people would do if the world ended?" Hikaru made a face.

Kaoru shrugged. "Well, you'd do the same."

"Yeah, but I mean, the world's ending, and that's all you'd do?"

"…is this why you filled the swimming pool with strawberry gelatin on the 22nd?"

"You've got to admit, that was fun."

"The tree's done." Mori came in, followed by Tamaki. Haruhi smiled up at him as he brushed her hair out of her eyes. Hikaru, in the meantime, was sniping at Tamaki for wearing a reindeer sweater—because come on, Hikaru was the scion of one of the world's foremost fashion families, and of course his boyfriend was wearing a reindeer sweater, it was clearly penance for something Hikaru had done in a past life—but Tamaki was just grinning at him and kissing him to shut up.

It was pretty effective, actually.

Kaoru poked his head into the doorway they'd come in from. "Ugh, it looks like Christmas threw up all over our tree. Which is still a huge improvement over what milord and Hunny-sempai were trying to do to it. So, let's go in and get drunk on mulled wine and open crazy presents?"

With a general noise of assent, they grabbed most of the food and headed into the other room. Haruhi gave Mori a quick squeeze on the hand. His brow furrowed for a moment before he nodded and left here there in the kitchen.

Only she and Kyouya were left behind. He was still sitting on the counter, clearly waiting. He'd known she'd wanted to talk to her.

"Busy on Christmas day?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "The work will still be there tomorrow."

He shot her a smile. "Unfortunately, that's the problem. It's nothing I can't handle, though." He set down his tablet. "But that's not why you stayed behind."

"You guys avoided answering my question earlier."

"Ah." She'd become much more perceptive these days. "Would you have preferred our usual catered Christmas festivities, Haruhi?"

"I'm not complaining. I like this. And no one's being chased by dogs, in jail, or locked in the club room, so this year's a vast improvement. It's not Hikaru's style, though."

Kyouya looked searchingly at her for a moment. "You're right, it isn't. But you'll admit that it's Tamaki's."

And actually… that made sense. "Oh." She blinked.

"Well. Japan isn't a predominantly Christian country, so Christmas here is more of the commercialized kind. The 25th isn't even a national holiday the way it is in most countries. Generally it's a time for lovers, not family. But Tamaki grew up in France. His childhood Christmases were different." Kyouya got off the counter. "So. Here we are."

"Oh," she said again.

"Yes, Haruhi, oh." Kyouya smiled indulgently down at her. "He'll never admit it if you mention it, by the way. In fact, I recommend that you never bring it up. He'll goad you into a drinking game if you attempt anything. And you will lose. Spectacularly."

Haruhi smiled back. "You're leaving out the part where you agreed to this, sempai. Not just for his sake, but for Kaoru's." He arched an eyebrow, but she plowed on. "You probably had some kind of surprise for Kaoru, because you always do. You two always do something together by yourselves for Christmas. But let me guess—you knew Kaoru would want to help Hikaru. So you agreed and canceled your plans without ever letting Kaoru know what they were or how much trouble you had to go through to do that."

Oh, much more perceptive indeed. "He and I are together for Christmas. That's the important thing. The point of any surprise I give him would be to make him happy, anyway. If this is what would achieve that goal, why not?"

"What the hell are you guys doing in there?" Hikaru yelled from the living room. "Illicit affairs later, get your asses over here."

Kyouya laughed softly. "You heard the man. We should get a move on."

"Took you long enough," Hikaru grumbled as they came in. Kyouya settled beside Kaoru on the couch, automatically winding an arm around his waist as Kaoru brought his head down to rest against his shoulder. Haruhi sat next to Mori, smiling as their hands brushed together. "So, hey, opening presents, yeah?"

She looked up at the tree and nearly choked. "How much tinsel did you use?" She glanced at Mori, who shrugged back at her.

Tamaki pouted. "Why, does it need more? I knew it needed more."

"I'll get the extra tinsel!" Hunny volunteered.

"Ah—it's fine," she amended quickly. "It's great."

The oven dinged. "Finally," Hikaru muttered, getting up and hurrying to them. He came back with a small tray of gingerbread men.

"Those are seriously weird-looking gingerbread men," Kaoru said, frowning down at them for a moment. Then he started laughing. "Oh my god, you made Host Club cookies?"

"I was bored," Hikaru muttered. "Also Mori-sempai suggested it."

Haruhi peered down at the tray too. Two of them were undeniably identical, right down to the little blobs of red frosting on their heads, and the painstakingly iced tuxedos they were wearing. "We have to be the sharpest-dressed ones," Hikaru protested. "We're fashion designers."

Hunny gleefully picked up the tiny one with bunny ears, which was next to a giant one with a neat horizontal line for a mouth and a sword in its hand.

Haruhi's was plain aside from its face. "Because you're the Natural Rookie host. So I figured, y'know, natural, so I didn't put any décor on it—"

Kaoru rolled his eyes at him. "…Hikaru. It just looks like that gingerbread man—sorry, gingerbread woman—is naked."

Hikaru immediately cringed away from Mori. "No, no, no, not what I intended, Jesus. Kaoru, are you trying to get me killed?" He looked at Haruhi. "I'm not imagining you naked, I really don't want to see you naked. I mean, I'm sure it would be magical, no offense or anything, but—"

"Hika-chan, you should shut up now," Hunny advised.

"I don't like sweets much," she reassured him. "So this is actually better. Less icing. Thanks." He let out a relieved laugh.

There was one with a tiny pitchfork, a devil's tail, and horns on its head. "Hah," Hikaru said, grinning malevolently. "I'm going to have fun biting the head off this one—"

"Hikaru," Kaoru said sweetly. "You're going to eat my boyfriend?"

"…why the hell are you spoiling all of my gingerbread fun, Kaoru? Why?" Grumbling, he handed it over to Kyouya. "Better that way anyway, who knows what kind of bargain with hell I'd accidentally make by eating that."

Tamaki got the last one. "Oh," he said wonderingly, looking at the small red heart on its chest. Hikaru studiously avoided his gaze. "Hikaru—"

"The stupid frosting pipe thing slipped, okay? I wasn't planning on putting that there. I messed up so I thought I would cover it up," he grumbled. "Don't read too much into it."

"Yes, I'm certain that that would have been easier than simply removing the mistake," Kyouya said.

"Or making a shape other than a giant heart," added Kaoru.

"Shut up, you guys both suck."

The Shadow King smirked. "With great enthusiasm, yes."

Hikaru eyed Kyouya. "I can still call off our holiday truce, piranha."

"I love you too," Tamaki interrupted, kissing Hikaru. "It's too precious to eat, really. Thank you."

Hikaru flailed. "I told you not to read too much into it—"

"He's not," Mori put in. "He's reading just enough."

"Everybody's ganging up on me!"

Tamaki just kissed him again. It was the best 'get-Hikaru-to-shut-up' technique the Host Club had. "I'm not."

"It's just the rest of us," Hunny reassured Hikaru, who was, unsurprisingly, not reassured.

"Shut up and eat yourselves," he said, biting the head off his. Then he looked down at it. "Uh. Damn. I think I ate the Kaoru one."

Kaoru gave him a look before proceeding to poke holes in his Hikaru gingerbread man. "If you think I'm letting you get away with that by giving yours a quick death, you're wrong. I'm going to start at the feet and work up inch by inch."

"You really hang out with the piranha too much. Oi, Demon King, stop teaching my brother torture techniques."

"But they're so useful."

"Kyou-chan taught all of us," protested Hunny.

"Wait, what?"

Kaoru laughed. "Well, just me and the sempais, really."

"I need more mulled wine for this," Hikaru groaned. "Anyone else want anything?"

"We're good," Haruhi said, smiling at her dysfunctional little family. "We already have everything right here."

A/N: I love you guys. I'll let you know in my next fic when I've gotten to the new site/fandom. Merry Christmas, and may your holiday be full of sweets, cuddles, and lots of expensive and fabulous presents!