Just Keep On Keeping On: Epilogue

Life without Steven is hard. Every time I come home I expect to see him sitting on the couch, watching T.V., or to be playing with his toys in the bedroom, and then he'll run up to me, hollering his hello and giving me a great bear hug. But he never does. And every time I walk through that door I feel empty. Like there's no purpose for me anymore. The only person who I cared for and who cared back for me besides family (although at that point we may as well have been related) was gone.

I tell myself it's for the best and remind myself that I did the right thing.

But for some reason, the more I tell myself that the harder it is to believe and life steadily gets worse. Exponentially. No smiling, bubbling kid to light up the house. No little buddy to take to the beach. No one to do anything. I was just alone.

It's an awful feeling. Being alone that is. It makes me want to just drink until I pass out (but of course I don't because I stopped all drinking when Steven came along). It makes me wonder if I'll ever find anyone that will be like Steven and fill this lonely space in my apartment.

My apartment's to big. I never noticed it before, but now looking at all the space makes me nauseous like something should be there. Like Steven should be here. After all, this was an apartment for two people.

Now after living with Steven for a year, I find everything different. School becomes extraordinarily boring, dragging on for hours on end. There's nothing to look forward to when I get home, so school just takes that much longer. My job becomes a pain in the ass as well. What's the point? I have enough money to take care of myself for a while so it's not like I need to go.

But I do anyway. Each and every night maybe because for some ridiculous reason, I still have hope that Jade will bring Steven back and I'll need all the money I can get to make sure I can get by and perhaps to spoil him rotten, something I hadn't gotten the chance to do when he was here.

I wish I had before he left...

Something about our goodbyes felt dissatisfying. Like there was everything in the world to tell him. That I loved him and that I was so proud of him for being so strong throughout all of this. That I really do consider him like a son and that I wanted him to live with me so bad. That I wished I had been able to spend more time with him. That I would make a better parent than Jade and list the reasons he should stay.

But it was spent in silence and I didn't say any of those things. Didn't tell him how much he means to me. Didn't tell him how amazing he is. Didn't tell him that every time I glanced at him, I would smile a little because he could just brighten my day like that. Didn't tell him that I would give the world to have him stay.

Because, no, that would just make things more complicated.

So I lied to him. To make things easier for everyone.

To make things easier for myself.

I slam my fist down on the table I was once again sitting at. There were so many chances, so many...I could have told him everything. I could have done something. I could have made him stay.

But I couldn't of.

And now he's gone and I doubt I'll see him again. I bet his bitch of mother is going to high tail it out of here, probably afraid that I would still want her kid back. It's just the type of thing she would do considering she left me no contact number, no address, and no school name. No way to find Steven ever again.

Except, when I sleep, I dream. I dream of finding him again, walking in by chance into Jade's mother's house. Jade would be packing again and then would storm off. Then I always had the chance to leave him or to take him.

Sometimes I leave him. I wonder if life would have been easier if he never came along. Wonder what it would be like to just go on normally. It would certainly not be troublesome. Not like it is now.

But in the majority of my dreams, I take him. Because even though I huddle up on my bed every night, trying to choke down my sobs, I never regret taking him. If I hadn't, then life would have continued on and I would have been just as meaningless, no real purpose to keep on living. But Steven...Steven had given me a purpose to wake up every day and make breakfast.

He always loved french toast for breakfast. Ha. I smirk at the memory of him jumping up and down, pulling on the hem of my shirt and begging for french toast. I would give in each time.

The memory soon fades and I'm right back to where I was. Feeling desolate. Feeling like life is just a burden and that I'm never going to find anything even akin to happiness again. Now that my kid is gone...What is there even to live for?

.

A few weeks go by and suddenly I hear a knocking on my door. Needless to say, I snap into action and sprint for the door, my hope flaring that Steven has come back. That he wants me back. That we could be a family instead of him and Jade.

I throw the door open, a stupid smile pinned on my face, ready to give Steven a great big hug.

...But it's not him. My smile fades and I feel crushed. I'm so stupid to have allowed my hopes to get up. Obviously it wasn't Steven. Why would it be?

The man in the door shuffles awkwardly, his piercing blue eyes on mine. He gives me a shaky smile, revealing his left dimple. His teeth are slightly yellowed. "Hey," he says.

"Hi."

"Long time no see, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So, I, uh...I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"For leaving you...I had to, uh, do some soul searching if you know what I mean."

"It's fine. Someone else stayed here while you were gone."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He clears his throat, looking a little lethargic and very uneasy. "Who, uh...Who stayed?" he asks, not that he seems to care all that much. He's just trying to make small talk.

"Just this little kid..."

"Oh, like...uh, your, um, your son or something?

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Oh."

At this point I step to the side and Ethan comes in, his suitcase trailing behind him. "Is it okay if I just put my suitcase here?" he inquires, taking his shoes off at the entrance way.

"Do whatever you want. This is your apartment too."

He nods his head and leaves his stuff in the entry hallway before going over to the kitchen and leaning against the counter. I follow him and do the same, although a safe distance away from him.

"Say, man, are you all right?" he asks after a while and I couldn't say I didn't expect him to ask that question. After all, I could bet ten bucks that my eyes were puffy and red right now, deep black bags under them.

"I've been better."

"This kid that left...You were close with him." It was more of an observation than anything else.

"Yeah."

"That kind of stuff cuts deep."

"Yeah."

"I understand," Ethan nods and we just stay there in a half comfortable, half awkward silence until I finally break it.

"So...What...What happened to you?"

Ethan looks at me with a shy smile and runs his hand through his blonde hair.

"Maybe it's a story for another time. It's kind of long," he shrugs.

"I've got time," I reply absentmindedly.

"Well...How to start? Uh, I guess here...You know, my friend died a few years ago and after that, I kind of went a little...crazy, to say the least. I started doing drugs..."

And he told me his story as I leaned there against the wall, finding I could relate to almost everything he was saying. Maybe Ethan wasn't all that bad of a man.

"And that's it. So, uh, do you think I could stay here? I have no where else to go, but I'll leave if you want me to. I understand it after all that's happened you wouldn't want me here."

I have the tempting urge to kick him out and continue drowning in my self pity where no one could see me, or I had the option to let him stay. See what he was like. Take him or leave him. I bite my lip for a moment, thinking.

"Stay. This is your apartment too."

And he does.

.

After a few days of living with Ethan, I find he isn't so bad. He's a good man. And he inspires me to open up that document I stashed away about a year ago about Beck's death. It needed some editing.

I reread the last paragraph of it:

Either way, I want you to know I wish you were still here. You know, so that maybe Jade could have had a better life...And also, maybe because instead of people looking at the red suspenders hanging from my dark wash jeans as I walk down the halls of college, they could be looking at yours.

What a crappy ending. I quickly delete it.

And, you know, maybe your passing is okay. Maybe, even though you sent Jade into a downward spiral, you indirectly had a hand in making Steven. Maybe if you had stayed around, then Jade would have been fine and you two would have happily be married.

Or, God, I don't know.

But then there would have never been a Steven. Maybe out of your death, the one good thing that happened was Steven. Because, you see, Steven was a different boy, a good boy. He was Jade's son and...

I took the day and wrote down everything that happened with Steven. His whole life story up until the point where he went with Jade. I don't know what possessed me to spend hours doing so, tacking on to what was supposed to be Beck's life story, but I typed it all. Finally, I reach the end and decide to write something for closure.

So, yeah, Steven left for good and I'll never see him again, but I don't regret anything. Not your death, not taking him, not anything. I suppose it's taken him to come to terms with your death, now that I think about it. After high school, I seemed fine. Hell, I even thought I was fine, but thinking back on it...I was closed off. Distant. I didn't try to make any friends. I was just existing. Not really living.

But then...Then Steven came...and then he went.

But, you know what Beck? I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. I'll forever remember him and the way he filled this empty apartment up with such happiness, but I'm going to keep moving on. That's what you would have wanted and Steven as well if he was aware of the circumstances.

And also, my old roommate came back. He has a story a lot like Jade's. It's almost, dare I say, therapeutic to talk to him. And plus he's filling that void that's been in this apartment the day Steven left it. And when I come home from work, I can usually expect to find him making something good for a midnight snack. Don't know how he has the time for it or why he's always back when I am, but he is and I don't question it.

So, I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do in life or even what's going to happen to me, but I'll never forget you or Steven or even Ethan if it comes time for him to leave again.

Hm...You know, it's funny. When I first wrote this it was easy for me to think of an ending and just slap it at the end of your life story, but now I can't really think of what else to say. I mean, everything that has been happening has been so momentous, and sometimes I don't know what to think of it all.

Sometimes, I know it's crazy, but I still think of what you would do if you were here. Needless to say, even though you're gone, I still aspire to be like you once were. I hope I've been able to become more like you through all of this. Stronger, kinder, more understanding.

But maybe not.

So, I guess this is it. Goodbye, you know. This time for good.

Robbie Shapiro, logging off.

I save it and close out the document and lean back in my chair. This was it. There was nothing else to say. Nothing really to do.

I got up from my chair and went out to the kitchen to see Ethan, in his apron that I told him to get rid of about a week ago, making french toast. I smile to myself as the smell reaches my nose. And as I go over to sit down at the table, I hear a knocking on my door.

I go over to it and turn the doorknob. I'm guessing it's Ethan's buddy come to hang out...but maybe, just maybe it's not...

Just maybe...

Author's Note: For the life of me I couldn't just end it without hope.

And, you know, it's strange. I don't even like this story. Like, it's really choppy, and time skippy, and just bad...

Anyway...THE END!

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks to everyone who reviewed and followed and such! Thank you!