This Very Moment

What if someone told you that every decision you had made was wrong.

What if that someone – was you?

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

A woman who threw away years of medical training, destroying the hopes and dreams of her parents in a vain attempt to distinguish herself? Or do you see a woman who followed such a path because it's what she knew she needed to do.

Two days ago, everything was fine.

Everything was normal.

Now, the man I've stood by for the last seven years looks different.

Sounds different

Feels different

Now, when he looks at me, my heart…beats…and I find myself terrified with the rhythm that pulsates against my chest.

What if what I'm feeling is wrong?

What if this is yet another decision I should not make?

Take a chance.

Take a risk

But is it worth it?

If I say what I feel, do what I desire, will I lose everything I already have?

The dark room is eerily silent.

Only the sounds of the bubbles in the fish tank can be heard.

I can feel their beady little eyes on me.
What are they thinking?

Do they know what I'm thinking?

I turn and there they are; content fish merely swimming in the tank; oblivious to the world outside their glass walls.

I should leave. But I don't even know what time it is – nor are my legs allowing me to move from this spot.

Apparently, I fell asleep. How long have I been here? Minutes? Hours? When did he leave me here? A simple afghan draped over my body to keep me warm.

I should leave. But I don't remember where I left my purse.

Thunder crashes

I jump

Lightening follows – the room illuminates, as if directing my eyes to the next room.

The door has been left open.

A sign of trust? Or an invitation?

I should leave

But I know I can't.

Everything happens for a reason.

Everything has led to this very moment.

Those words repeating in my brain over and over.

This moment.

What moment?

Those were the last words he said.

But did he say more and I missed it? If I had stayed awake, what would have happened? What could have happened? What did I want to happen?

As if in a trance, I am finally able to stand; the afghan falling to my feet as I move towards the open door.

When I get to the entry way, I'm acutely aware of where I am and what I'm doing. The room is dark – but I can feel him.

My body stiffens.

In fear?

In regret?

Have I gone too far? Or not far enough…

I feel his eyes upon me.

How long have I been standing here? Minutes? Hours.

This very moment.

He doesn't speak, but I feel compelled to move forward; as if I'm being drawn to him.

I slowly walk to the side of the bed, able to make out his image in the moonlight.

Without words he takes my hand, pulling me closer. Our eyes meet in the darkness, saying so much more than words ever could.

This very moment.

Slowly I lower myself onto the bed on my knees, looking down at him.

Our eyes are locked

But still, no words are said.

There's so much I want to say, but cannot. His hand moves to my face, his fingertips gently stroking my cheek as they make their way down to my lips, down my chin, and then away from my body.

He's scared.

I'm not.

He closes his eyes and turns away.

The shyness I had never witnessed before so apparent now.

I could leave

But too much time has already passed.

My eyes focused on his face, I slowly remove my blazer, letting it fall to the floor.

The sound seems to startle him and his eyes return to mine.

My face emotionless I close my eyes and then remove my sweater.

He blinks.

I wait for an objection, but one does not come.

I could leave

But he doesn't want me to.

Seconds pass, which feel like minutes as he looks into my eyes.

I watch as he blinks, then swallows, then blinks again.

I wait.

He blinks again.

He's waiting.

But what is he waiting for?

I close my eyes.

This very moment.

My eyes open, tears began to form; I'm finally able to speak.

"I love you." The words leave my lips before I can stop them.

He smiles.

His hand moves to my face; fingers gently stroking my cheek, my lips, my chin, moving down my neck to my heart, he can feel it beating against his palm.

His smile widens.

Tears fall

I close my eyes.

Both of his hands are on my face

My eyes open, he's inches away

His lips touch mine.

Gently, softly, as his hands move down to my waist, pulling me closer to him.

The kiss deepens and I find myself melting against his touch as he slowly lowers me onto the warm bed.

Tears fall down my face as he parts from me, wiping them away with his gentle fingers.

He doesn't question the tears; it's as if he knows they're not a sign of sadness or of pain, but as a release of what my heart desperately needs.

Without words his lips return to mine, much hungrier than before as his hands move to my breasts, caressing them through the cloth as I move my hands behind my back to remove the barrier. As the obstacle is removed, our lips remain locked; his hands move to my breasts which embrace his touch.

My back arches as his lips move from mine, running down my chin, my neck, and down to my awaiting breasts, gently kissing each needy mound, paying ample attention to each nipple until they harden in pleasure.

He continues downward, my hands instinctively moving to his head guiding him, my fingers run through his soft hair as he moves his hands under my bottom to unzip the next hurdle of clothing.

The skirt is removed

The nylons follow.

He then removes the last article of clothing until I am bare.

Thunder crashes

Lightning follows

My eyes lock on my reflection above.

I do not question the mirror above the bed.

At this point in time, I cannot.

But the image of my naked body on my partner's bed doesn't look wrong.

And the feel of his hands as they run up my bare legs does not feel wrong.

My eyes close as my legs part.

His hands tenderly moving up and down my thighs.

My back arches again and my legs widen.

Welcoming his presence.

Begging for his touch.

His name escapes my lips as he touches me

A two syllable name turning into many more as I quiver against him.

His tongue running up and down in teasing motions.

I moan louder, begging for more as this seduction continues.

Everything has led to this very moment.

And as my body tenses, and the pleasure heightens, I scream his name a third time.

Silence.

My eyes refuse to open.

Fear?

Regret?

He moves beside me

I feel his fingers against my cheek.

My head turns to his and my eyes open.

Our eyes lock

He smiles

"I love you." He says without hesitation.

And I know these words to be true.

I smile

Tears do not follow.

Thunder crashes

Lightning follows.

My senses are awakened.

I slowly sit up and place my hand on his bare chest.

Lowering my lips to his as his hand moves to the back of my head

My hand moves down his chest to the hem of his pajama bottoms, under the fabric

He moans as I cup my hand around him.

I ignore the voices in my head

Telling me to stop

I've already gone too far

Come too far

I can't turn back

I won't turn back

I wrap my lips around him

Taking him in

Slowly

The detracting voices getting louder as my tongue explores him

He moans my name

I take him in deeper

No regrets, no fears

Only wants and needs

I am fully aware of what I'm doing

Where this leads

Thunder crashes

Lightning follows

I part from him as the rain begins to fall.

He sits up

Our eyes lock

He wraps his arms around me, pressing his lips against mine, his tongue parting my lips, showing me he's no longer scared.

He lowers me onto my back.

Assuming all control he readies himself against me.

Slowly he enters.

My back arches in pleasure.

The tears return.

The ominous voices telling me this is wrong go silent.

No more questions.

No more doubts.

All the choices have led to this very moment.

My eyes open to darkness

Strong arms are wrapped around me

Arms which are comforting.

Arms I never want to part from.

I'm aware of where I am, and what has happened.

I pull his arms away from me.

He groans and turns on his back, hugging the sheets over his body.

Do I awaken him?

He looks so peaceful.

Waking him now would just lead to questions.

Questions I do not have the answers to.

The rain continues lightly as I get out of the warm bed

The cold, spring air hitting every inch of my bare body.

My clothes a mess on the floor I lean down to pick them up and upon standing my eyes fall on his face.

The guilt over leaving becomes overwhelming.

I knew I loved him.

I knew he loved me.

For all practical purposes, I also knew I had to leave.

Leaving my blazer on the end of the bed I proceed to the bathroom.

The faucet leaks

The drips acting as a metronome as I quickly dress; forgoing the nylons.

After zipping up my skirt I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror

Who do I see?

A woman who has spent her entire life questioning every decision she has ever made; or a woman who followed all the signs along the way to get to this very moment?

I leave the bathroom, turning off the light and returning to the darkness of the bedroom.

I pick up my blazer, quietly putting it on as the man in the bed sleeps soundly.

He's content.

Never questioning, only reacting to what his heart needed.

What he desired.

Eventually the questions would be asked; in time I would have the answers. But for now, at this very moment I knew I had made the right choice.