Title: The tree-my wife

Summary: Due to a very silly misunderstanding of words, Naruto now has a wife! Yes everybody, a wife, and she's not Hinata or Sakura or any of the Konoha girls. Guess what, his wife is a tree! You got it. Now, aren't you curious as to how this all would end? Read and find out. Rated for Naruto's silliness. Mild humour, not crazy enough for crack. One-shot.

Rating: K+

Pairing: Naruto/tree, Naruto/Hinata

Disclaimer: I only own Rakia, Rukki and Sari.

A/N: So yeah, I'm still alive. This is a story of Naruto's stupidity. You have been warned. This is the longest story or chapter I've written, ever! Eleven pages on Word. I am too cool. Enjoy!

THE TREE-MY WIFE

"Naruto! I have something for you!" a young girl ran out of the Suna gates, just as Naruto was about to leave. He had come to Suna to chill with the Kazekage because he was bored with life at Konoha.

While in Suna, he had saved a young girl and her twin brother from an old building that had collapsed on them when they were playing. Finding out that the children were orphans, Naruto had used his influence with Gaara to get them an apartment and a place in the Ninja Academy.

One week later, Rukki-the girl- was looking a lot better than the thin, pale girl he had found. She was still thin, but the woman Gaara had appointed to take care of them had assured him that that would soon be a thing of the past, and her complexion was getting better.

"What do you have, Rukki?" Naruto asked her, smiling kindly.

"I and Sari bought this tree for you, with the money that Gaara-sama gave us." She told him smiling.

"A tree?" Naruto asked, puzzled. "Why would you buy a tree for me?"

"Well," Rukki began. "You said that you liked ramen, but it was too stressful to boil and season. I and Sari went to the green house and asked for a ramen tree."

"A ramen tree?" Naruto frowned. Was there even anything like that?

"The man said there was nothing like that, but he gave us this tree." She brought out the small tree in an ornamental pot and gave it to him. "I call it Rakia; it's like a pet to me."

"What is it supposed to do?" Naruto asked, curious.

"The man said that if the leaves are boiled then drained, the water will taste like ramen." She finished her story. "Kinda like ramen tea."

"Really?" Naruto looked at the tree in amazement. "Ramen tea."

He turned to Rukki. "I have to go home and test it out." He hugged her and was about to jump into the trees with his gift when Rukki stopped him.

"Wait!" she called out. "The man said that the ramen tree was a very sensitive plant. He said that it was special because it picked up on the emotions of others. So, Naruto, you have to take care of that tree, whose name is Rakia, like you'd take care of someone special to you, like your wife."

"Got it!" he waved, and then jumped up, up and away.

Three days later, at the Team Seven training ground...

Sakura and Naruto watched as Sai and Kakashi trained. They were leaning on a tree, relaxing, as they had just finished their own fight.

"Man, I can't wait for training to be over." Naruto sighed.

Sakura was amazed. This was Naruto, the person that loved training. Heck, he lived for training. And he wanted training to end?

"Who are you and what have you done with Naruto?" she asked him, playfully nudging him with her elbow.

"I just miss Rakia." Naruto sighed.

Sakura's eyes narrowed. "Who is Rakia?" she asked.

"Oh, she's just my wife." Naruto said breezily, waving his hand as if the fact that he had a wife was not of monumental importance.

"YOUR WHAT?!" Sakura screeched, sending the birds resting in the tree she was leaning on flying.

"You don't have to scream, Sakura." Naruto said, annoyed at his friend.

"Kakashi-sensei, Sai," she called them. "Come over here."

When they had arrived, Sakura told them the news as calmly and as quietly as she could.

"Naruto has a wife!" it wasn't all that quiet, but she made an effort.

"He has a WHAT?!" Kakashi exclaimed.

"I don't believe it." Sai said. "He's not cool enough to be married. Who'd like him?"

"Whatever." Naruto dismissed him, with a wave of his hand.

"What's her name?" Kakashi asked.

"Rakia." Sakura replied.

Kakashi sat against the tree, in surprise. He was far older than Naruto and he hadn't gotten a date in almost a year. And his student had gotten a wife. A wife!

"When did you get married? How did you meet her? When did you meet her? Is she pretty? When can we meet her?" Sakura asked, excitedly. She had to get all the details now, since she and her girlfriends were getting together for a night out at Hinata's house. She was so sure that Ino couldn't beat her own gossip!

"Well," Naruto began. "We got married just after I left Suna. That's when we met too."

"So it was love at first sight?" Sakura said, dazed. By this time, Kakashi had gone somewhere to sulk and Sai had gone off to paint.

"Not really." Naruto said, thinking about how he was sceptical about Rakia before. "It was love at first taste."

"That is so romantic!" Sakura sighed.

"The children that I rescued from a collapsing building introduced us to each other." Naruto sighed, remembering the meeting. "And I'll be forever grateful to them."

"Is she pretty? When are we meeting her?" Sakura asked breathlessly.

"She is absolutely beautiful." Naruto said, remembering how beautiful Rakia was, under the setting sun on the window sill in his apartment. "The sun really flatters her." He remembered how the leaves opened up every time the sun rose. "The sun seems to make her open up."

"When are we meeting her?" Now, Sakura was intrigued.

"I don't think that would be possible." Naruto told her.

"Why?" Sakura asked, crushed.

"You see," he said, remembering what Rukki had said. "She is sensitive. I want her to get used to Konoha before I bring my friends in."

"I see." Sakura nodded. That made sense.

"I've got to go. Bye!" Naruto left by shunshin, appearing seconds later in his apartment.

"How are you doing, darling?" Naruto asked his tree, stroking its leaves lovingly. He plucked one out and boiled it, inhaling the aroma as if his life depended on it.

He took a sip and sighed. "What is better than ramen tea?"

In the night, at the Hyuuga complex, in Hinata's room...

"... and Shikamaru was like whatever, and I told him to get out and he gave me a rose, and don't you think that was so romantic?" Ino blabbed, talking about her date with Shikamaru.

"Random, but romantic." Tenten agreed. "If only Neji could be like that."

Hinata smiled at her reassuringly. "D-don't worry. H-he's getting t-there."

Just then, Sakura burst in, still in her nurse's uniform. "Sorry I'm late."

"It's okay." Tenten said. "I just got here."

"It is not okay." Ino said. "We should kick her out."

"You can do that," Sakura said. "But then, you won't hear my gist."

"What gist?" Ino asked curious.

"I thought you wanted me out?" Sakura shot back.

"S-spit it out, Sakura-chan." Hinata demanded. Deep inside her, she had a soft spot for gossip. It was her fatal flaw.

"Naruto is married!" Sakura burst out; glad she could tell her friends everything.

"WHAT?!" They all chorused, even Hinata.

Sakura nodded her head furiously. "Yes! He's married!"

"When?" Hinata asked, crushed.

"How?" Tenten asked.

"Is she prettier than me?" Ino asked, bringing out her mirror.

"What's her name?" Tenten asked.

"Chill, guys." Sakura laughed at the way her friends were asking questions. "I have all the details!"

They all sat back, and waited for her to continue.

"Her name is Rakia. They met just as Naruto was leaving Suna and they got married there. Naruto said it was love at first taste." Sakura said. "They met through the girl that he rescued from a collapsing building."

"That is so romantic!" Tenten and Ino sighed.

"No, that is horrible!" Hinata exclaimed, without stuttering. What will happen to me?" She burst right into tears.

"Oh, shoot! I forgot!" Sakura exclaimed. She had forgotten that Hinata loved Naruto.

"I'm sorry Hinata," she said, rubbing Hinata's back.

"Why? Why did this happen?" Hinata asked through tears.

Ino and Tenten knelt beside her.

"Don't worry, Hina." Ino said. "You'll meet some one way better than Naruto."

"But I love Naruto." Hinata wailed.

"Then Rakia will die." Sakura said decisively.

"What?" They all looked at Sakura as if she was crazy.

"Why are you all looking at me? It was a solution to Hinata's problem." She said.

Ino considered it. "It could work."

They all thought about it and agreed on killing Rakia, or maiming her, or doing something evil to her.

Hinata just sighed. "Forget it, guys."

"Why?" Tenten asked. She particularly liked the idea of pinning Rakia to the wall with a thousand kunai.

"It isn't worth it. Naruto has found someone he loves and she's not me." Hinata sighed. "I have to live with that."

With that, she changed the topic back to Ino's date, and everybody forgot about Rakia, all except Tenten, who was still thinking of pinning the girl to the wall.

The next day, Hinata walked around Konoha, stopping at the ramen stall when she saw Naruto was there. She entered inside, ready to offer her congratulations.

"... and it was just so awesome! It tasted exactly like ramen!" Naruto exclaimed, telling Teuchi about the tree.

Teuchi nodded. "You have got to bring it around sometime."

"What is this I hear about you getting a wife?" Ayame asked, narrowing her eyes.

That was the first thing Hinata heard when she entered the shop, and she was curious as to what Naruto would say.

"I know! Surprising, huh?" Naruto beamed at Teuchi and Ayame.

Hinata bowed her head. Somehow, she had thought that Sakura was lying, that she had made a mistake. But now, hearing it from his mouth, she got crushed over again.

"Congratulations, Naruto-kun," she said softly, alerting them all to her presence.

Ayame winced, as she knew how hard the news was on Hinata.

"Hey, Hinata," she greeted cheerfully. "Order any bowl of ramen on the house." She winked at Hinata who smiled gratefully, understanding why Ayame had done that.

"One bowl of miso ramen, thanks." Hinata ordered.

Naruto turned in his seat to look at Hinata. "Hey, Hinata. I haven't seen you in a while."

Hinata sighed. He was finally noticing her, and he was married. "Hello, Naruto. Congratulations on your marriage."

"Thanks." Naruto smiled.

Hinata's ramen arrived and they ate in silence for a while, until Naruto broke it.

He turned to Hinata. "Say, Hinata, do you know anything about gardening?"

Hinata was surprised. "Yes," she answered.

"Great." Naruto dumped a handful of bills on the table and grabbed her hand. "Let's go!" He dragged her away from the shop.

"But you haven't finished your food!" Teuchi shouted at their retreating backs but he was ignored.

Hinata allowed herself to be dragged, though she would have preferred to have been asked about it first.

"Where are we going?" she asked, annoyed.

"My apartment." Naruto answered her.

Hinata wanted to complain but she kept quiet. This was her only chance to see his new wife. She'd be the first of her friends to see the girl.

Shortly, they arrived and Naruto opened the door, calling for Rakia.

"Darling, how have you been?" Hinata heard him ask, from his room.

She resisted the urge to follow him there, and instead, she looked around, noting the fact that the apartment was relatively neat, at least, for guy standards.

Naruto came back, carrying a potted plant.

"Could you give me pointers on the watering of this plant? Rakia looks all shrivelled up!" he said, inhaling the scent of the tree.

"Rakia?" Hinata's brain was whirling. You could actually hear the gears turning as she pieced everything together. "Rakia, as in your wife. As in, this tree is your wife?"

"Oh, yeah, didn't I mention that already?" Naruto asked.

She shook her head and waited for him to explain.

"Basically, this tree picks up on emotions of the people around it for it to grow successfully. You could say it's sensitive. So the person that gave me advised me to treat the tree as I would treat my wife." Naruto explained.

"I see." Hinata said, nodding as if it all made sense. Inside she was dancing. He's not married! She still had a chance! Now, she couldn't wait until she met her friends and told them all about Rakia and Naruto.

"What type of plant is it?" Hinata asked, and then corrected herself. "I mean, what type of plant is she?"

"A ramen tea plant!" Naruto exclaimed.

After nodding her head like a ramen tea plant made any sense, Hinata gave Naruto pointers on the watering of the tree-Rakia. They each drank a cup of Rakia's tea, and Hinata had to admit that it tasted just like ramen.

She was about to leave his house when he stopped her with the words she never thought she'd hear him say.

"Um, do you want to go out with me sometime?" he asked.

Hinata hesitated. "Are you asking me, or the tree?"

"I'm asking you, of course." Naruto replied.

"Yes, my answer is yes. I'll go out with you." Hinata said calmly, while inside she was dancing for joy. He had asked her out!

Naruto smiled at her, and she smiled back.

Later Ino would call Hinata a husband snatcher, because she was going out with a married man, and to Ino, that was the worst sin there was.

Hinata just shook her head. After all, what does Ino know? True love triumphs all obstacles, including unexpected ones, like ramen tea trees.

And Hinata, Naruto and the tree-Rakia- lived happily ever after.

The end.

This was extremely fun to write! I got it out so fast! It's amazing. So, I got the idea from a local movie that one of my friends told me about. Review, please. And please, for the love of all that is holy, do not flame.

Me: Review or I'll sic Rakia on you!

Rakia: Review or I'll smother you with my ramen tea goodness!

PS: I know there is no such thing as ramen tea. The idea of a ramen tree grosses me out a little, but hey, it's fiction. Anything can happen.

: RIP, Neji. I'll always love you. Your coolness (at least in fan fiction) was astounding.

Review, please. Merry Christmas.

Love,

Hyacynthianna~