Appropriate Research Material for Religious Celebrations, and How Not to Accidentally Start a Holy War

Someone had left those movies on again. In one of his more paranoid moods, Loki would have thought they were meant as some form of subtle mockery aimed in his direction. This time, he was willing to believe someone had just put them on and then lost interest because no-one had the attention span to watch hobbits walk across New Zealand for twelve hours.

Loki had no idea what a hobbit even was, but some of the dwarves in this particular droning epic had been blessed with some suspiciously familiar names. But even suspiciously-named dwarves weren't enough to hold Loki's attention for very long. Perhaps it was the inherent mind-numbing boredom of SHIELD's HQ or the fact that he wasn't allowed to go out and play with the other kids because of something that had inothing/i to do with the missions, but little was able to hold his attention at all. He wasn't even sure when he fell asleep on the cheap, faux-leather sofa, but it obviously happened at some point, because he was woken up by the feeling of something invading his space.

"Pick one."

Loki opened his eyes and looked up to see Clint standing over him, holding a soup bowl in his hand. He grunted, hoping Clint would take his bowl and go somewhere else. Instead, Clint held his ground, and his irritatingly cheerful smile.

"What?" Loki was missing a crucial piece of information, and he knew it.

"Pick one," Clint repeated. He shook the bowl so Loki could hear its contents rattle about.

Still missing the context, but eager to get back to his nap, Loki reached out and took something from the bowl. It was, upon very brief inspection, a small slip of paper.

"Yes, thank you," Loki said tersely. Without looking to see what was written on the paper, he shoved it into the first pocket he could easily fit his hand into. He rolled over, signalling to Clint that he was done, and found it suddenly difficult to get comfortable on the sofa that was six inches shorter than he was.

He didn't give the slip of paper another thought until several days later, when he went for his Starkphone so Natasha could completely trounce him at Words with Friends again. He was getting better at it every time they played, but the language that the humans spoke had countless rules, with almost every one of them having more exceptions than compliances. There were days he feared he might be memorising IE-words versus EI-words for the rest of his life. If only the Alltongue worked both ways and could write for him as well.

He found the slip of paper in his jacket pocket along with his phone and unfolded it. At least reading was easy. The Alltongue did do at least that much for him. And this was especially easy, because all it said was 'Tony.'

"What is this?" he asked, handing the paper to Natasha.

"It says 'Tony,'" Natasha said.

"Yes, I can read," Loki said tersely.

"Really? That's new." She didn't smile, or give anything away in her inflection, but Loki was fairly certain she was joking. Maybe. Her jokes tended to sound just as flippantly serious as everything else.

"You only live because I allow it," he told her coldly.

Natasha nodded as she settled back into one of the uncomfortable chairs designed to look as if every expense had been spared. "I'm sure you do," she said. "I saw you with Doom last week. That was very impressive. Were you allowing him to live too?"

Loki snatched back the little piece of paper and sneered. "You are not as funny as you think you are," he said.

Finally, Natasha cracked an amused little smile. "No, but you getting paired with Tony for the Secret Santa is pretty funny. I'm actually looking forward to this."

"Yes," Loki said, not learning anything new. "What is it and why did Barton give it to me?"

"He does this every year," Natasha said, back to what Loki thought might have been her honestly-serious tone. "It's kind of a Christmas tradition. You get a gift for the person whose name you drew, and you get a gift from someone else. Clint takes Christmas very seriously."

Loki wasn't sure he liked the idea of being asked to participate in a serious Midgardian tradition. And what sort gift would one give to a person who has enough money to buy whatever they want, and engineering skills to make whatever they can't buy?

"Christmas?" Loki asked to confirm what he'd heard. "That's one of your religious holidays?"

"Well." Natasha took a moment to consider her phrasing. "I'm Orthodox, so it's kinda different for me. Over here though, it can be a pretty big deal. Especially for some people, but it's really more of a retail holiday now."

Once again, Loki felt like he'd learned nothing new. He gave Natasha one of his best glares, just to let her know.

"Now, come on," Natasha said, nodding to the phone in her hand. "Your butt's not going to kick itself, and I have somewhere to be at four."

Loki didn't stop glaring at her. But he did finally reach for his phone and load the app for the game.

Why on Earth had Clint put Loki's name in the exchange? That was what Tony wanted to know. Tony actually felt sorry for the poor schmuck who got a gift from Loki. At best, they'd get a face full of tinned snake. Knowing Loki, a live snake; not just one with nasty green fabric over a cheap spring.

Even after Clint told him to shut up and just accept the name he drew, Tony considered not even participating. Who still did Secret Santa exchanges anyway? But if he didn't play along, he'd be the dick who blew off Christmas. And not giving anything to that creepy bastard might actually make him look worse than the Grinch.

And no-one wants to be the Grinch.

Well, except for maybe Loki, who would probably go out of his way to be the Grinch.

Tony snorted and shook his head at the whole thing. It wasn't like a price range had been set for this thing, so he'd just have to beat Loki at his own game. Surely, there was something he could spent two bucks on that would pass as a Secret Santa gift. He got up from his desk in the lab and made his way purposefully to the lift that would take him down to the garage beneath Stark Tower.

As the lift doors opened, Tony was met by Pepper, just stepping out as Tony was stepping in. She stopped quickly and backed up before the doors could close.

"Oh, there you are," she said. "Good. I need to talk to you about the sub-contractors for the—"

"Can't. Busy," Tony said, pressing the button for the garage level.

"What do you mean, you're busy?" Pepper asked indignantly. "You spent all day moping around in your lab. Which, if that's about the thing at the Baxter Building — which I know nothing about — I should probably talk to you about that, too."

"And now I'm busy," Tony said. "Rain cheque. Something came up."

Pepper schooled her expression into a neutral one. Getting upset only ever seemed to make Tony think he'd somehow won.

"Well, this is very important, and a decision has to be made," she insisted levelly.

Tony continued to ignore her. "So is this," he said.

He had no desire to talk about design faults or paint colours. He was many things, but architect and interior decorator were not amongst his qualifications, despite what he may have let people think.

The lift dinged their arrival at the garage level and Tony stepped out, followed closely by Pepper.

"I gotta go pick something up," he said. "Important stuff. Can't wait."

"This is important. This is very important," Pepper insisted, fighting to keep her voice calm.

"Yep. So is this."

Tony only had two cars in the garage at Stark Tower, so his choice was between the Lamborghini Aventador or the Audi R8. Tony got into the Spyder.

"No, Tony. I have to call the office back at three o'clock, and it's now…" Pepper glanced quickly down at her watch. "It's now two-forty-eight. I just need you to look over the proposal and—"

Tony started the engine, the Audi's V10 echoing off the concrete walls with a fearsome growl that drowned out anything else Pepper had to say.

"Don't wait up," Tony said.

Revving the engine once more, Tony backed out of the parking space and sped away in a whirlwind of screeching tyres and screaming cylinders. Pepper stayed where she was, silently fuming as yet another of Tony's jobs piled on top of all her other responsibilities.

"Is this a bad time?" a voice suddenly asked from behind her.

Pepper cried out with a start, spinning round quickly. It wasn't until she saw the intruder that she realised she'd recognised his voice. Loki stood against a wide supporting pillar, picking through a bag of trail mix in a way that would have been completely human if Pepper didn't otherwise know that he'd teleported himself to that spot.

"Yes, actually. It is," she said tersely. "And don't do that again. It's not nice."

"My apologies," Loki said evenly.

Pepper started to walk toward him but stopped suddenly, studying him intently. "I thought you were supposed to be on house arrest."

Loki ate a cashew. "House arrest is boring," he declared.

He offered the trail mix to Pepper, noting the way she did not hide her smile.

"Well, next time you might want to think twice before getting happy with the glitter pens." She reached into the bag and plucked out a bit of chocolate before making her way back to the lift. Loki pushed off the pillar and followed after her. Without asking first, he pressed the button for the fifty-third floor.

"He does this all the time," Pepper said suddenly, breaking the easy silence between them. Her voice was calm, but Loki could still hear the tension as she spoke. "Tony, I mean. You know — Well, you probably do know. You probably saw the whole thing."

"I think I only caught the very last of it," Loki said. "You were already downstairs when I arrived."

Pepper regarded him with suspicion, not quite able to bring herself to believe that he hadn't been spending the last half-hour somehow pestering Tony. She didn't even let herself think about anything else he might have been doing while avoiding his army of SHIELD handlers.

"Well," she said, still in the same stiff tone. "He always does this. He thinks that just because he gave me power of attorney, he can just leave me with everything while he goes out and plays with you guys."

Loki waited a few moments to be sure that she was done. Sometimes Pepper had a way of venting her frustrations in fits and starts.

"I'm not sure I know what that means," he finally admitted. "But perhaps you should give it back to him?"

Pepper tried not to laugh as the lift dinged at their floor and the doors slid open.

"I don't think it works the way you think it does," she said. As she walked down the corridor to her office, she spared another glance down at her watch.

"This is a really bad time, though," she said. "I have to make about a dozen calls, and if I don't get back to these people by three—"

"I can wait," Loki said.

"Thank you."

Uninvited, Loki followed Pepper into her office and sat down on a long, black leather sofa against the near wall. He wished SHIELD had the sort of taste Tony Stark (or, far more likely, Pepper Potts) had. In Pepper's office, Loki could actually stretch out if he wanted and not have to worry about waking up with a stiff neck. And the sofa was upholstered with proper leather, from a proper cow, and not whatever that cheap red stuff was in the lounge back at HQ.

While Pepper went on running Tony's company for him, Loki pulled out his phone and connected it to the building's network. He knew Tony kept a server full of movies, and there was bound to be something useful amongst the lot.

By the time Pepper was finished making frantic calls to people all over New York, Loki had finished the rather nonsensical story of the boy who miraculously hadn't shot his eye out, and was now in the middle of watching Clark W Griswold deliver a rather stunning invective tirade against his employer. Curious to see what had Loki so enthralled, Pepper leaned over his shoulder and pulled out one of his earbuds.

"Oh, what's this?" she asked.

"Not what I expected, if I'm honest," Loki said.

Pepper reached out and tilted his phone so she could see it better.

"Oh, the first one's the best," she said. "The one where they drive to Disney World."

"I don't know what that is," Loki said. "Do you celebrate this holiday? We don't have it on Asgard. What we have is similar, but I'm finding this… confusing. I don't think what I've read has any bearing on what I'm seeing."

"Is that why you're watching that?" Pepper asked. "That's not what Christmas is at all. That's, like, the worst-case scenario of the worst-case scenario. For most people it's Santa with his beard and his red and white furry coat, handing out toys from his bag full of presents."

Loki frowned. "This is how my father is honoured now?"

Pepper tried to follow Loki's jump in logic, only to give up almost immediately. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"You just described my father," he said. "Graphically."

"Did I?" She'd never heard Loki speak of any family other than his brother, and it seemed strange that he'd talk about his father now.

"In one of his better moods, admittedly," Loki said.

"Your dad wears a red, fluffy coat?" asked Pepper curiously.

"Furs. And if they're red, it's because they're covered in blood, but yes, I think it amounts to the same thing," Loki said dryly. "He's always done that on Midwinter. The gifts; not engaging in battle, usually. But I don't see what my father has to do with a child born in a stable."

"Nothing, really," Pepper said, looking down to watch the movie over Loki's shoulder. "So, what's all this for? Or are you just curious?"

"I've been instructed to acquire a gift for Stark," Loki said, frowning at the uselessness of his gathered information. "I'm unsure what the traditional gifts for this holiday are. I've seen holy wars. They don't look very fun."

"I don't think anyone's ever started a holy war over an ugly sweater or a fruitcake," Pepper told him. "Usually, you just get whatever you think they might want or need. Steve was surprisingly difficult to shop for. But if it were up to me, Tony would be getting coal."

Loki finally tore his attention from his phone and looked up at her. "Coal?" he asked.

"It's what Santa gives to people on his naughty list," Pepper said. "Or people who annoy him."

"And that's the man in the red, furry coat?" Loki asked.

Pepper nodded. "Who I don't think is actually your father, yes. I think he might be German, actually."

Loki considered this for a moment, watching as the movie on his phone drew to a close. Odin was definitely not German.

"But if you're looking for the meaning of Christmas, I know just the thing you need to watch. Come on." Without another word, Pepper walked out of the room.

His curiosity thoroughly piqued, Loki got up to follow her. Ten minutes later, they were in Tony's lounge on the 65th floor, watching a whimsically-animated child be ignored, insulted, and pushed aside by his friends. Thus far, Loki couldn't see much about the true meaning of Christmas in this story either, but even he had to laugh at the boy's poor taste in Christmas trees.

For no reason other than boredom, Loki continued to watch every movie he could find relating to this curious human holiday. Despite being tied to one of their largest religions, it also seemed to have nothing to do with those practises at all. He knew Rogers to follow that particular faith, and as far as he could tell, Stark didn't follow any faith at all. But they both seemed to approach the coming holiday with the same amount of cheer and festivity.

Once Loki got past the saccharine (and often farcical), inflated nuances films seemed to embellish, the core of the holiday did seem to actually mirror Asgard's Midwinter celebrations quite closely. There was a feast, the exchange of gifts, and a man with a beard handing out toys. Apparently. Even the mistletoe, though people on Midgard didn't seem to throw it at one another.

Loki found his gift for Tony soon after his evening with Pepper, but after further research he wished he'd waited. It seemed there could have been some proper fun to be had. But he'd already gone through the trouble of not only sneaking out of SHIELD HQ again, but sneaking off-world, so he'd simply have to find his fun elsewhere.

It wasn't exactly like he'd missed his chance entirely.

Thor was on Midgard again; an eventuality Clint seemed to have anticipated. As soon as they were in the same room together, Clint forced another small billet upon him, leaving the Asgardian looking rather confused. It was at once both a shame and a most excellent delight that Clint hadn't noticed Loki in the room with them.

"What troubles you, brother?" Loki asked from the uncomfortable not-leather sofa.

Thor looked up, only then noticing Loki in the room.

"Barton has given this to me," Thor said, approaching to show Loki. "It bears only Lady Natasha's name."

Loki took the paper and nodded thoughtfully. "I was given one as well," he said. "It's for a traditional exchange they do every year. Similar to Midwinter celebrations, but deeply-ingrained in their religion. It's to be taken very seriously."

"Exchange?" asked Thor.

"Of gifts," Loki said. "I've been reading up on it. There are certain types of gifts that are expected at these exchanges. Perhaps that would be your best bet."

Thor beamed at him. "Perhaps tomorrow we can go out and find these items."

Loki tried not to grin too widely. "Yes. Perhaps we should."

The Christmas party was held in the canteen at SHIELD HQ, despite Tony's insistences that it be held at Stark Tower. It was also officially a winter holiday party, since SHIELD was a government agency. Whatever that meant.

Not that Loki cared either way. He just found himself a seat in the middle of it all and watched curiously as people shuffled in and out, fetching drinks from a large, communal bowl, into which Tony had earlier poured half a litre of peppermint schnapps. Whether anyone had noticed was moot, because after that, Clint poured something else into the bowl, and was followed shortly after by a man from logistics doing similarly. If he hadn't been afraid of killing everyone on the spot, Loki would have been tempted to tip some Asgardian mead into the mix as well.

Rather than a department-wide exchange, there were numerous smaller groups, all organised by different people. Some overlapped, and a few people had drawn two or three names from two or three bowls, and as the day wore on, exchanges took place at small intervals. People came and went as their schedules allowed, but the Avengers seemed to all have the entire day to do as they pleased. Early on, Bruce took a seat at the long table next to Loki, avoiding the bowl of questionable content and quietly observing everyone else. Clint wore a pointed red and white hat that seemed to feature in every Christmas movie Loki sat through over the leading weeks, and bounced eagerly between groups, growing more and more drunk and increasingly physical and affectionate by the hour.

When Thor came in with a large basket covered in a cheap blanket, Tony and Clint suddenly became very eager to start exchanging gifts. Thor's was added to the end of the table with all the others as as the group crowded round.

"Let's do this," Clint declared, finding a place for his mostly-empty glass. "Come on, people, or we're starting without you!"

Not waiting to be sure that everyone was ready, or possibly too drunk to notice otherwise, he reached for a box wrapped with the previous week's funny pages and read the label. It was conspicuously written in his own handwriting, with an added spiky squiggle underneath.

"This one's for you, Tony," he said.

He started to lift it and thought his arm might fall from its socket from the weight of the box.

"And it's heavy," he warned. "And from Loki, if the scribbles on the label are anything to go by."

"Oh, great," Tony said, pretending to be scared of the parcel.

The entire room gave Loki an almost identical set of suspicious looks. Loki put on his innocent face and convinced no-one.

Tony was the only one not looking like he thought Loki was going to do something stupid. He looked smug at having known it all along.

"Jeez, what is this? A cinder block?" he asked as he hefted the box. Clint hadn't been exaggerating even a little bit.

"Not quite," Loki said. He leaned against the table in a way that managed to make him look completely in his element, despite being in a cramped canteen in a government building.

Tony rolled his eyes and started to tear into the paper. Underneath, he found a shoe box, which still somehow didn't surprise him. A shoebox full of rocks seemed exactly like Loki's style.

Well, shoebox full of rock, actually. Just one big rock, all jagged and slightly melted and re-hardened on one side, and covered with a thousand gouges and scratches. It was a rock that had taken one hell of a pounding.

"Is this a meteorite?" Tony realised aloud.

"Technically, a meteorite has fallen to Earth," Loki said. "This came from Vanaheimr."

Tony wanted to touch it, but he was afraid of what might happen to him if he did. Anything could happen from messing around with space rocks. Usually bad things.

"It's perfectly safe," Loki assured, either reading his mind or knowing Tony a bit too well. Either one was a bit unsettling. "I understand this metal is rare on this planet, and that the sum total of it is in Rogers' possession."

The entire group them suddenly, unnervingly quiet as Tony reached into the box to pull out the meteorite.

"Wow," Tony said, unable to take his eyes off it. "Uh, thanks. I don't really know what else to say."

He already felt like a complete dick, and Loki hadn't even opened his gift yet. Tony definitely hadn't expected that outcome.

"Why don't we see what Thor brought," Tony declared suddenly. "Since someone decided it would be a great idea to invite a couple of gods to this thing, we might as well get it out of the way and let them show us all up."

Everyone laughed, though there was a hint of nervousness to it, as Clint shrugged and reached for the huge wicker basket. Careful not to disrupt the blanket covering it, he pulled on the attached label and frowned at the sloppy handwriting that probably wasn't even in English.

"Thor, buddy," Clint said. "I can't read Viking. Who's this for?"

"It is for Natasha," Thor said, grinning widely.

The small crowd laughed and ooh'ed in an odd blend of sarcasm and eagerness. Loki settled back to enjoy the show, still wearing his perfectly innocent face. Clint brought the basket over and sat it before Natasha on the table, just as curious as the rest. Natasha made a show of trying to see what might be beneath the blanket, twisting and turning in her seat to see it from all angles. Watching her, Tony realised it was probably a stupid idea to open Thor's gift right after Loki's. Everyone else seemed to be taking this thing so seriously, and Tony was going to be the Grinch that ruined it all.

"Oh, just open it," Clint said, bouncing up and down behind her. "You're killing us, Nat."

Natasha stalled for a few moments longer before finally pulling the blanket off and setting it aside. What she found was not at all what she'd been expecting. She had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing, though several closest to here were not so tactful. If not for Thor's eager, golden retriever expression, Natasha may have laughed as well. But that would have felt a bit too much like kicking the golden retriever.

The first thing Natasha pulled from the basket was a large, obnoxiously-knitted sweater with reindeer and snowmen playing ice hockey. Holding it up, Natasha bit her lip and nodded, just to keep from doing anything else.

"Will you not wear it?" Thor asked eagerly. It was obvious isomeone/i had told him it would have been expected.

"Yeah, put it on!" Tony called loudly.

Several cat-calls and wolf whistles followed. Natasha shot Loki what would have been a very threatening glance, if not for the hand she had clasped over her mouth to keep quiet. Once she thought she might have herself under control, she gave Thor a long-suffering smile, which she could not manage to school into anything more innocent.

"Just for you," she said sweetly.

As she pulled the enormous monstrosity over her head, Bruce leaned in close to Loki.

"Be honest, now," he said quietly. "Was that your doing?"

Loki looked utterly scandalised at the question.

"Of course," he said. "You don't think he found that hideous thing on his own, do you?"

Bruce shook his head and chuckled, glad Thor hadn't picked his name from the lot.

"It brings even more merriment!" Thor declared suddenly, followed quickly after by a tinny, digitised recording of Jingle Bells.

"Oh, my god," Tony said, almost forgetting all about his misjudgement in gifts. He almost thought it might be better to be the Grinch than to be responsible for that ridiculous thing.

"Thank you, Thor," Natasha managed. "But it's very warm in here. I think I'll take it off for a while."

"Yeah, take it off!" Tony called out, followed by an even louder chorus of cat-calls and wolf whistles.

Natasha did, and then the smile she gave Tony was more predatory than anything. "Keep it up, Stark. I dare you."

Tony bit back on another remark before he managed to do something he'd regret.

The sweater wasn't the only thing in Natasha's massive gift basket. There was also an impossibly large wreath, about two dozen oranges, six pairs of large, woolly socks, a fruit cake, and a cheese log. None of which she had any idea how to dispose of without Thor catching her.

The oranges, at least, took care of themselves as Clint took it upon himself to start passing them around.

"That was mean," Natasha said to Loki as she sat back down, glad to at least be rid of the oranges.

Loki gave her his best innocent face, which still wasn't fooling anyone. He didn't care. "I've no idea what you're talking about," he said.

"I'm going to get you," Natasha warned, tearing into an orange with her thumbnail. "When you least expect it, I'll be there."

Loki grinned wolfishly. "I look forward to it," he said.

Several more gifts were handed out and unwrapped (including the iWizard of Oz/i on Blu-ray for Steve, and a Play-Skool hammer for Thor) before Clint handed Loki his gift.

"Oh, I get something as well?" Loki asked, feigning ignorance.

"Yep. That's how these things work," Clint said. "It's from Tony, so let's see if it tops those little purple spandex Bruce got."

Bruce's face was still red as he turned to look away, thankful that he hadn't been made to model his own unfortunate gift.

Loki's gift was wrapped about as cheaply as Natasha's had been. He opened the brown paper bag and pulled out a round tin, which proclaimed itself to contain mixed nuts. It seemed weighted wrong for it though, and frowning curiously, Loki shook the tin. Several seats away from him, Tony sank down and tried to hide his face behind his hand. It was never cool to be the next schmuck to piss Loki off, the Norse god of mischief, chaos, and generally fucking your shit up over a 200-year-old grudge.

Unable to determine the contents of the tin by shaking it, staring at it, or turning it upside down multiple times, Loki finally opened the lid and was immediately struck in the face by something desperately trying to escape the small tin.

Everyone else in the area laughed. Everyone except Tony. Tony just wondered how pissed off Loki would get at being played at his own game. Especially when he hadn't really been playing in the first place.

"What the Hel?" Loki asked.

He bent to pick up the long green tube from the floor. As far as he could tell, it was just fabric and metal. Once he realised what it was, and what it had done, he joined in with the laughter.

"Oh, that's very clever," he praised. "Did you craft this?"

"Uh. No," Tony admitted, now even more embarrassed somehow. For some reason, Loki actually enjoying being trolled hadn't even occurred to him. "I got it at the Dollar Tree, actually."

Still laughing, Loki coaxed the toy back into the tin. "I shall have to take this back to Asgard."

Somehow, it didn't make Tony feel much better. He wasn't sure why, but he felt some petty retribution coming anyway. Not that he wouldn't deserve it.

"I'll, uh. I'll take you out and get you something decent if you want," he offered.

Loki looked up at him, confused. "Why in the Nine Skies would you do that?" he asked. "I took yours from someone's front garden."

"Loki, no!" Thor called out from somewhere on the other end of the table, scolding him. Loki ignored it.

"Oh, well. That's all right then," Tony said. "I guess."

"I promise next year, I'll do better," Loki said.

"Yeah, you better. But you are a son-of-a-bitch to get shown up by." Tony crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes. "Just saying."

Laughter erupted from all around them again, and they both looked up to see Coulson holding a pair of child's Captain America pyjamas. Somehow, Loki rather got the feeling he'd still managed to miss the entire point of Clint's gift exchange.

AN: I know it's called Walley World. I think it's just been a while since Pepper's seen any of that series.

And I know there are no Dollar Trees on the island of Manhattan, but it's recognisable brand, so I went with it.