Dear Diary

Chapter 1

April 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

Hold onto your ass because this isn't going to end well. I'm doing this against my will. I came back from a mission in the Middle East and suddenly the RangeMan shrink thinks I'm depressed. In addition to seeing him three times a week, he's making me write in a fucking diary like a twelve year old girl with a celebrity crush she feels compelled to write about. Fuck him and fuck you too. Oh, and I have to sign each entry so that I own my words. Whatever. Oh, and the top of each page is already printed with the words Dear Diary. I feel like a sissy. If I were writing my own heading at the top of each page, it would say Dear Douchebag.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 6, 2012

Dear Diary,

You may have noticed I skipped a day. Yeah, just to piss off you and the shrink. I'm sure he would say it's because I'm a control freak who doesn't like to be told what to do. So what? There is nothing wrong with being a control freak if that's what a person wants to be. I like being in control. It suits me and my purposes. He tried to tell me today that being in charge of your life is different from being a control freak. He said when a person acts like a control freak, it's an indication they actually feel out of control and they're over compensating. Who cares? I just nod my head at everything he says.

I have been a little stressed. The night I got back, I went straight to my Babe's apartment to watch her sleep and center myself. I was upset and disappointed when I got there and found she wasn't home. It was midnight, but when I let myself into her apartment, Rex was the only one home.

I flew down the stairs and jumped back in my car. I figured she must be with the cop, so I drove over there, but her car wasn't out front. Then I drove past her parents' house. No car. I started to get scared. I hadn't had any contact with Tank during this mission. What if her car exploded? What if she was in it? Where the hell was she?

I quickly hit the speed dial number for Tank and found out everything was fine. My Babe was in Atlantic City with Lula and Connie for a girl's weekend away. Thank god. If the head-shrinker thinks I'm depressed now, I'd hate to see what he'd say about the state of mind I'd be in if I came back from a mission and found something had happened to my Babe. Christ, I can't think about that. That would destroy me.

Speaking of Tank, he's knocking at my apartment door. Gotta go.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 9, 2012

Dear Diary,

I'm not writing in this thing every fucking day. I don't have that much to say. I saw Dr. Harvey today and he wanted me to do some kind of biofeedback thing, listening to soothing sounds with headphones on. I agreed because I want to appear cooperative and have him sign off on my treatment as soon as possible.

I don't need biofeedback to relax. I can get my Zen on just fine by myself, thank you. It's just easier to do when Stephanie is around. She's back from Atlantic City, but I still haven't seen her.

Maybe I'll sneak into her apartment tonight. It doesn't take long at all to center myself in her bedroom, listening to her soft breathing, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest, and breathing in her scent. She's all the treatment I need.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

I still haven't seen Steph. Every night, something happens to prevent it. One night, my niece was in a car accident and I drove to Newark to be at the hospital with my family. They didn't really notice anything wrong with me. I'm quiet all the time anyway, and that night, everyone was in a pretty solemn mood until we finally got word she was going to be okay.

The next night, we had a big take-down. I'm not supposed to be participating in any take-downs at the moment, but I just had to be involved in some way, so Tank let me ride with Hector in the surveillance van and work the comm lines. The skip went berserk and shot at Cal. Cal dodged the bullet and the skip was taken out by Cal, Tank and Lester. The paperwork and statements for a dead skip take longer than you can possibly imagine. By the time we dragged our tired asses back to RangeMan, it was nearly 4 a.m.

The next night, a call came in from RangeMan in Boston. They'd had a fire on the fifth floor, so I caught a flight out to inspect the damage and meet with the insurance agent. The sprinklers in the ceiling prevented it from being as bad as it would have been otherwise. Tank will get with them on getting contractors in there to do the necessary repairs.

Thankfully, none of my men were hurt and that's what's important. I need to see my Babe.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

April 16, 2012

Dear Diary,

A few more days have passed, but I still haven't seen my Babe. I could have, but I haven't left my apartment for three days. I haven't gone running for the last five days. I don't care. I seem to be getting worse instead of better. The doc says I'm holding everything inside and I need to let it out before I explode.

I'll have to leave the apartment today to see Dr. Harvey because if I don't show up, he'll take some kind of action. The usual client/shrink confidentiality doesn't apply to RangeMan personnel the same way it does with regular people. It still applies as long as the treatment is going well, but if Dr. Harvey thinks the employee he's treating is a danger to himself or others or if he feels some kind of additional help is needed, he has the right to discuss it with the core team. We all agree to these terms when we sign our contracts every year.

There has only been one time in all the years Dr. Harvey has worked for us that he's gone to the core team and it was a good call. I know he'll only do it if he feels it's the best or only option.

I don't want him discussing me with the core team, so I'll show up at my appointment. Right now, I'm shut in the office in my penthouse. I know Ella will be in any minute to dust and clean and change the sheets and I don't want to run into her. She'll skip my office when she finds the door is locked. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see anyone. Maybe my Babe. Or maybe not.

When did I go from needing so badly to see Steph to maybe I need to see her? I don't know, for sure. The more I think about it, the more I believe I should just stay away from her. She doesn't need my darkness and gloominess in her life.

This isn't the first time I've come back from a mission feeling down, but usually all it takes is a good night's sleep, a single session with Dr. Harvey and a few minutes with my arms around Stephanie and I'm good as new. This time, I can't seem to shake it. I need her, but I need to stay away from her.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 17, 2012

Dear Diary,

Dr. Harvey forced two prescriptions on me today. He wanted to start me on them shortly after I got back, but I refused. Today he threatened to go to Tank and Bobby if I didn't agree to take the meds. He gave me antidepressants and pills to help me sleep. I actually don't have any trouble going to sleep when it's bedtime, but the nightmares wake me up, and then it takes a while for the shaking to stop and I have trouble going back to sleep.

I'm not going on any more missions. My mind is made up. My contract has actually been up for a few months now. I still get offers, but I can pick and choose the ones I want. The one I just got back from was a relatively simple mission. There was a bit of a danger level, there always is when you go where I went, but it wasn't all that high. It was the tragedy that unfolded during the mission that screwed with my head. I can't think about that now. I'm going to take my pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today is Hitler's birthday. I always remember it because Rachel and I got married on April 20th and the judge that married us felt compelled to share that cheerful little piece of trivia with us.

Today was a fucked up day. I yelled at Dr. Harvey to get off my back and walked out of the session ten minutes early. I don't think he'll go to the core team just because I missed ten minutes of one session, but he was pretty unhappy about the yelling. He says he can deal with the yelling if I'll also talk to him, but I haven't been talking to him. Not about anything important.

He says the meds should kick in soon and should make me feel like I'm on more of an even keel. He thinks when the meds start working I'll tell him what happened over there. If I wanted to tell him what happened, I would have fucking told him by now.

He asked me who I trust with my life. I told him, Tank, Bobby, Lester, Hector, my father and Stephanie. Then he asked who I trust with my thoughts and dreams and problems. I didn't have much of an answer for that. Tank with a few things. Steph with a few things. That's about it.

He asked if I've seen Stephanie since I've been back and when I told him I hadn't, he wanted to know why. That's when I started crying. I didn't want to cry in front of him, so that's when I started yelling and walked out. The anger helped me shut down the tears. I'm tired. I'm going to take my pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s

April 23, 2012

Dear Diary,

Dr. Harvey had to go out of town on a family emergency so I don't have to see him today. Thank god. Normally, he would have a colleague take his place, but the other shrinks he's in practice with aren't connected to the military in any way and don't have a security clearance that would allow them to be privy to things I might say. He knows I won't talk to anyone else anyway. I'm barely speaking to him.

The meds seem to be doing their job, for the most part. I'm sleeping for longer periods of time before the nightmares kick in and I'm only having them three or four nights a week instead of every night.

I guess he's still worried because I don't have any interest in anything. I haven't been down to the fifth floor since the take-down we did shortly after I got back from my mission. I refuse to take any phone calls and I guess I'm not eating very well. It's not like I'm wasting away to nothing. I've only lost six pounds. Big fucking deal. Who cares?

I know Tank and Lester and Bobby come in to check on me sometimes. If I'm not asleep, I pretend to be, and even if I was asleep, I know when they've been here. I can recognize them by their cologne. It lingers in the air. Brut means Tank was in the room, Hilfiger means Bobby has been here and Ralph Lauren means Lester stopped by.

I know they're just worried, but I want them to leave me alone. I don't want to talk about what happened and they can't do anything about it anyway.

I'm going to take my goddamn pills and go to bed.

Ranger

r/s/r/s/

April 27, 2012

Whatever family emergency Dr. Harvey had was not quickly resolved, so yesterday's session was also canceled. Didn't matter to me, I had nothing to say to him anyway.

Apparently, he asked Tank, Lester and Bobby to check on me and asked Bobby to draw a vial of blood. The doc checks my blood work regularly to make sure I'm taking my meds, but not taking too much.

I heard the three of them let themselves into the penthouse. I was in bed, but not sleeping. I turned over on my stomach and closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. I made sure I was breathing slow steady breaths like I would be if I were actually asleep.

They were standing at the end of my bed watching me and I just wanted them to go away. I heard Lester say, "He looks pretty peaceful when he's not having a nightmare." Bobby and Tank agreed with him.

Bobby said, "Yeah, I almost hate to wake him up to draw blood. Maybe I'll stop by in a couple hours and see if he's awake then. I sure wish I knew what baby he was talking about when he has those bad dreams."

"Me too," Tank and Lester replied.

Hearing them speak about the baby set me off. I flipped over onto my back and screamed at them to get out. I could see the shock register on their faces.

"My baby!" I screamed at them. "Mine! Do not come in here and talk about the baby!"

Bobby started to apologize, but I just turned back over and quietly told them to leave. I know they were confused. One minute I was yelling at them and the next I was speaking barely above a whisper.

"Ranger," Tank said. "Talk to us, man. We're here for you."

"Go away," I told them. "I want to be alone."

The room was quiet for a moment and I figured they were ESP-ing each other. I didn't give a shit, I just wanted them gone.

Finally, Bobby said, "I'll come back a little later to draw some blood for Dr. Harvey. Get some rest, Rangeman."

I didn't answer. A couple minutes later, I heard them file out of the room.

Bobby came back a couple hours later and drew blood. I was still in bed and he asked me if I felt like talking. I didn't answer him so after a few minutes, he gave me a pat on the shoulder and left.

I'm going to take my meds and go to back to bed now.

Ranger

A/N - Thanks for reading. Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow.