So. Again, I am a terrible person. But this fic is not abandoned! I just got distracted by my other one, Discretion, which is moving pretty fast an none of the characters are listening to me. But, Being A Boy lives on, and I have finally made the call! So, read, review, I don't own. -Love, Maya

Finn hung up the phone, tucking it away in his pocket and looking at his teammates. "So, guys."

Puck and Sam looked up from the silent conversation they were having. "Yeah?" Puck answered.

Finn crossed his arms. "What the hell is going on?"

"Aw, shit," Puck sighed.

Sam patted his back, rubbing tiny, almost-too-intimate circles. "Don't worry; we knew this would happen."

When Puck leaned into the touch, Finn gave up staring wide-eyed at them and demanded, "What the fuck, guys? You've been acting, like, super weird. Like, almost… cuddly."

Puck and Sam looked at each other again. "Do you wanna tell him?" Sam asked gently.

"No," Puck answered as quietly, "you're better at all that 'expressing' shit."

Finn was six kinds of lost. "What is happening?"

Sam sighed and turned back to Finn. "The thing is, we both like for Kurt."

Finn shrugged. "Well, yeah, everybody likes Kurt. He's the best gay stepbrother I've ever had."

Puck rolled his eyes. "As in, Finnessa, we both want to bang Kurt." Sam actually facepalmed.

"… What."

Puck shrugged. "Kurt's one hot princess."

"What." Finn shook his head, as if to remove the stun of all this. "Wait, what are you even talking about? What, are you guys gay now?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "What, Finn, you think the whole world's either gay or straight?"

Finn blinked. "B-but… but you're both straight! Puck, you're the straightest guy I know and Sam, you told Quinn that you were totally straight!"

"No, I said I wasn't gay. And I'm not; I'm bisexual."

Finn shook his head again. "What? But, but… we share a locker room!"

Sam snorted. "Jocks aren't my type, and we've all got the same equipment."

Finn blinked a few times, then rounded on Puck. "But! But Puck!"

Puck smirked a little; Finn was too funny sometimes. "Kurt's my exception, apparently. He's the only guy I've ever had the hots for. Although, if Kurt asked me to, I'd totally make out with Sam." Sam rolled his eyes again, but he was smiling now.

"What the hell do you mean, "exception'?"

Puck seemed to consider his answer for a moment. "Well, Kurt once told me he would totally bang and-or marry Kate Middleton or Lady Gaga, since he's apparently, and I quote, 'irresponsibly, irrevocably in love' with both of them. Me, I've got one dude I would bang and-or marry, and that would be Kurt."

Finn blinked some more. "So, lemme get this straight." Puck attempted to stifle his laughter, but it came out anyway as a snort, and Sam punched him lightly in the shoulder. "You guys—who, as far as anyone knows, are straight—are into my stepbrother?" They both nodded, and Finn exhaled tiredly. "O-okay… so, I'm gonna just move past that, since I so don't get it, and work on the next thing: you're both into Kurt?" More nodding. "But… but you're not killing each other even a little bit."

Puck shrugged. "That's pretty simple: we're going to let Kurt choose. If he doesn't want to choose between us, we'll just both date him, since we're bros and sharing is caring." He said the last part like he was reciting it from an earlier lecture, Sam nodding proudly at his side.

Finn started shaking his head. "This is—I don't—I can't—this—" He stopped and put up his hands in surrender. "You know what? Fine, because I have got absolutely nothing! But if either of you hurt my little brother, I'll, like, rip your balls off or something." He blinked at them, his brow scrunching. "Did I do that right?"

Sam nodded as seriously as he could manage under the influence of Finn's derpiness. "Yes, Finn, you did a very good job," he soothed. "We promise to take great care of Kurt."

Puck gave Sam his signature Smirk o' Sexy. "Hells yes, we will."

"Tease."

"Oh my Cheesus, stop it."

The doorbell rang, and Kurt exhaled at last. He ran to the door and threw it open, finding Tina and Santana on his doorstep, carefully not looking at each other. "Darlings," he cooed, "so glad you could make it."

Tina stepped forward first, exchanging air kisses with Kurt. "Hey. So, that song's done already? How come you had to give it to me now?"

Kurt gave a nervous laugh that he hoped came out as dismissive. "Oh, no reason. Wanted to give it to you before I forgot, I suppose. Also, I wanted to hear how it came out; Rachel should be on her way, but she said something about warm-ups, so I'm expecting her next week-ish."

Santana rolled her eyes and firmly kissed Kurt's cheek before following Tina into the house. "The Hobbitess probably just wants to make an entrance, like some Jewish, less-hot you."

Kurt pursed his lips as he shut the door and followed his girls down to his room. "I'm not sure if I should accept that compliment."

"Then don't." She spun and sat on the edge of Kurt's bed, crossing her legs with a flourish. "Now what's the real reason we had to be here?"

Kurt chuckled. "Clever girl. Well, Finn has company coming, and I'd like to avoid them."

Tina looked seriously at him from his couch. "Are we castrating people? I should have brought my things." Santana nodded, apparently also having things.

"No, no castrating please, I just—I don't know how to deal with this."

"Aw, shit." Santana opened her arms and wiggled her fingers. "Bring it in, Baby Gay, and let Auntie Tana fix it."

Kurt let Tina drag him by the arm into Santana's embrace. He ended up with his legs in Tina's lap and his head on Santana's inflated chest and elected not to comment on this, on account of girls are comfy. "Boys are dumb," he said childishly.

Tina aww'ed sympathetically, and Santana nodded sagely, stroking his fabulously tousled hair; lucky for her, he was too distraught to protest. "I know, baby," she cooed, "tell us all about it."

He complied, if a little reluctantly, and when he was done relating his tale of woe (not really—I mean, abs), there was a moment of silence until Tina said calmly, "So there will be castrating."

"Actually," Santana disagreed, "Kurt here might need those, so maybe don't remove them."

Kurt blinked up at her. "I beg your pardon?"

"Honey, think about it. Two extremely sexy and—this I can attest to—skilled guys are into you."

Tina's eyes lit up. "Hey, yes! Maybe you'll finally get some, Kurt!"

Kurt blinked at Tina now. "I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening here."

"As if you'd know," Santana snorted. "I always did sense some overcompensation from both of them, especially Puck. That 'hawk was hiding something, I knew it. And Sam—again, we need look no further than the hair."

"Do you know, I thought so too—no, wait," Kurt cut himself off. "Wait, I don't believe this. This cannot be happening, at all."

Tina petted his skinny-jean-clad leg soothingly. "Just let it happen, sweetie. You're pretty much the only one of us who doesn't at least periodically get some. You know, I was gonna get Mike to make out with you."

Kurt stared at her. "What."

"Yeah, I wanted you to experience a good make out session." Her lips curved into a lecherous smile as she added, "And I wanted to watch."

Santana cast her an appreciative smirk. "I always did like you."

"Okay, pretty sure we're off-topic at this point," Kurt interceded, thoroughly alarmed. "The point is, this must be a trick."

"Bitch, please." Santana waved a dismissive hand. "Those two have both been bitching about you being gone. Like, nonstop. Like, I actually stuck my fingers in my ears."

"It's worse when they're together," Tina put in, "especially this past week, since they got back from visiting you. Now, they bitch even more apart, and once they get together, they get all conspiratorial and whisper to each other in between bitching."

"Plotting my downfall, no doubt," Kurt muttered.

"Or how to get into your pants. Look, Porcelain, just let the sexy happen. At least now it's happening to you, right?"

Before Kurt could answer, the front door slammed open.

PKSPKSPKS

Puck sauntered past Finn into the house. "Well, gents, I've got tight, expensive pants to get into, so…"

Finn went pale. "Yeah, well, I have to throw up now, so…" With that, he all but ran away into his room, slamming the door behind himself.

Sam gave Puck a halfhearted frown. "You didn't need to damage his brain like that."

"Please. His brain was damaged long before I got here."

"That's my point; don't make it worse."

Puck flapped a hand at him. "Yeah, yeah, Kurt's room is this way. Have you seen it? He gets the whole basement." He led Sam to Kurt's door, at which he did not bother knocking.

At the bottom of the stairs, they were greeted by the sight of Kurt draped over Tina and Santana, both of whom stared at them speculatively. Kurt himself lifted his head to give the jocks a bored look. "What, no one sets up appointments anymore?"

Sam chuckled, "Not really. Sorry, I lost your secretary's number. Nice room, though." Kurt inclined his head in acknowledgement of the compliment.

Puck cleared his throat. "Uh, Kurt. Could we talk to you, alone, for a minute?"

Still ridiculously nonchalant, Kurt reached up and twined a lock of Santana's hair around his perfectly-manicured finger. "Anything you have to say can be said in front of my girls." Both girls snuggled almost imperceptibly closer.

Puck shrugged. "Alright. Kurt, we both want to bang you."

While Kurt choked on absolutely nothing, Santana grabbed Tina's wrist. "Come on, Asian, I wanted to show you a thing. A thing that's upstairs."

As she was dragged away, Tina protested, "But I wanted to watch!" but they were up the stairs with the door shut behind them before she could wiggle out of Santana's grip.

PKSPKSPKS

More soon (theoretically)! Also, why do the page breaks keep bitching me out?