A/N: I know I said it was two-part story but then Severide has finally made up his mind and agreed to the surgery. I couldn't ignore that fact. After all that story was partly about that. So here's the third chapter. But I have to warn you, it's about Severide this time with just a little glimpse on Casey and their previous interactions. As always read enjoy and review ;)
Oh, and thank you, Me, for your review, it's nice to know you believe in my version of characters.
Severide didn't know why he even suggested that to Casey. He did it on the spur of the moment because honestly he was a grown man and he didn't need anyone to mother him. It was already bad enough that Shay knew about his neck. He wasn't going to add saint-Casey to the list. What could he say to him anyway: how foolish it was for him not to get a medical help immediately, how his decision endangered anyone around him and that, of course, Casey had to tell Boden about that now. No, he definitely wasn't going to go that way. To hell with Matt and his good intentions. They weren't even friends anymore.
"Care to tell me what exactly had happened?"
Once again Shay was looking at him suspiciously as if everything bad in the world was now his fault. He was fed up with that attitude. Okay, maybe he did make his fair share of mistakes with all drugs and that test she had helped him to pass but he didn't ask her to do that and they agreed to stay away from each other private life. So he really hoped she would stop making a problem out of nothing.
"As I've said before we overestimated Vargas' wellbeing. You can ask him if you don't believe me." He snapped at her.
She gave him one long look before shrugging it all away "Yeah, whatever".
Next few days it looked like things were going better with Royce agreeing to go out with him again, this time without Vargas, and Casey giving him some space or being too engulfed in his own problems, Severide wasn't sure which one. But he was happy to have some free time from defending himself and pretending to be fine. He tried to call Vargas few times but the only time he managed to get him on the phone, Vargas told him to back off, because he needed some time to think and that he didn't know what he would do next but he wasn't going to harm himself that was for sure. It sounded reasonable enough for Severide so he left Vargas dealing with his demons and tried to enjoy his own life. He even agreed to be a part of one of Hermann's scheme. He was absolutely sure that car would be a waste of money. But he liked to fix things and he didn't want to be the one to crash Hermann's hopes. Then suddenly things went downhill and fast.
It all started with Shay telling him that they had problems with her giving him drugs.
"And I thought I replaced every vial I gave you, but I must have lost count."
He didn't expect that. Well of course he knew it was a dangerous move to use their supplies but somehow he used to think he would be the one to pay the price not Shay.
"Hey. How can they bust you for something that somebody said happened a month ago? "
He wanted to believe his own words, wanted to believe that he didn't screw up his best friend life.
"It's their word against yours."
"If it were my ass on the line, I'd put up a fight. But Dawson's the P.I.C. It's her ass on the line."
He knew he was a bad man but he was happy to hear that Shay was out of danger. Dawson was a colleague, maybe a little more but she wasn't his friend and if all he could live with her having some problems because of him. The only thing that mattered here was Shay.
"Hmm" He realized that she was still waiting for his answer. "Well, I don't know what to tell you." He doubted she'd appreciate his thoughts about Dawson.
He looked at her shocked expression and it dawned on him how bad his words sounded.
"Wait. I didn't mean"
"No, you're right." She stopped him coldly. "It's not your problem. You got what you needed." She walked away from him not turning back to his desperate calls.
"Damn it!" He didn't mean it that way. He just didn't think before saying those words.
He was going to talk to Shay, to tell her he was sorry and that he was going to do all he could to help her and Dawson out but she had been avoiding him all day and after the shift she managed to slip out before he even got a chance. He hoped maybe she went home but she wasn't there and he had a meeting with Royce. He decided their talk could wait. After all what could happen during one night?! He learned the answer to that question the next morning.
"You know I love you, right?" That was her way of greeting him and he shuddered because she was many things but not the girl to confess her feelings so openly.
"Okay, what's going on?" He asked worriedly. What could have happened after their last conversation? Could there be more than her avoiding him because he had pissed her off?
"I love you because I know you'd stick your neck out for me the way I have for you."
"Of course I would" He answered immediately feeling a relief. It was about that conversation again, nothing else.
"And I did that to get you over the hump"
"Which you totally did" He smiled at her trying to show how thankful he was for everything.
Severide opened his mouth to tell her how she misunderstood his words yesterday when he saw something in her hands, something that shouldn't be there and all words left him.
"And then I found this in the trash" She looked at him with such hurt expression and he wanted to change that but all he managed to say was
"Those are old… they are old." Even for his ears it was lame.
"I perjured myself for you, Kelly."
"Shay" Of course he knew that and…
"I'm out."
What? He expected many things but not this particular one.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean?"
"I mean I'm out. We had a deal…"
She paused maybe to pull herself together or to give him an opportunity to say something but he couldn't. He was too shocked.
"We wouldn't get in each other's business. But I can't hold up my end. So I'm out."
Their deal… She was leaving because of that. Severide tried to understand her but everything was a mess.
"Shay, it's okay. I got it." He didn't care about the deal if that was her problem.
"No, you don't. I'm not gonna sit here and watch you just fool yourself. I'll get the rest of my stuff later."
"Shay, wait, please don't go." He was going to understand her, they could get things right. She just had to stay here.
"Please don't … don't do this."
She wasn't there anymore. She left and he was still staying still trying to process things. He hoped they had time to talk.
He wondered through their apartment thoughtless not knowing what to do anymore. He'd call her right away but he doubted she picked up the phone. Maybe after some time she'd be more willing to talk.
That's why he was so surprised when his phone ringed. He didn't expect her to call him so soon, to call at all for that matter. He answered not looking at the caller ID
"Shay, look" but he was stopped by a male voice.
"Severide, it's Boden. There was an accident with the ambulance. Shay and Dawson are on the way to the hospital now."
"I'll be there"
He wasn't sure he told it before turning off the phone, wasn't sure there wasn't anything else Boden wanted to tell. He just rushed towards the door intending to get there as soon as possible.
"Is that her? Is that Shay?" All he could see was a glimpse of blond hair.
He hoped he was wrong, hoped she was checked somewhere else and would soon get out to tease him for overreacting. But Boden's words crushed his hopes.
"Let them do their job, Kelly. Kelly!"
"I want to see her"
"Right now there's nothing you can do"
He knew that. Still he wanted to see her as if that would change her condition drastically, would force her to open her eyes and be fine.
"What… What are they…" He tried to finish his question but words didn't want to get out of his mouth.
"She's got a head injury."
"How bad is it?" He whispered.
"I don't know."
At some moment the rest of the firehouse got there but he didn't care. They were sitting quietly, speaking only to tell news to those who had just arrived. Severide answered as well, about Shay's mom and dad and how he had left a message but he didn't care about that. All his thoughts were down that hallway. It was only yesterday he thought he had time and now Shay could be dead and their last conversation was about how he had disappointed her.
Finally they had to return back to the firehouse because after all they had a work to do. Luckily there weren't any calls so far because Severide wasn't sure he could concentrate on anything right now. Then Dawson walked in and he barely let her greet guys before asking
"Shay?"
"She's still in I.C.U. but the brain swelling subsided and she won't need surgery or the I.C.P. catheter."
'All those medical terms!' He frowned. 'Leave it to Dawson to show how advanced she is.'
"They're hoping she's out of the woods."
She wasn't going to die that was all Severide needed to know. She'd be okay sooner or later and he was going to do everything for her when she was back home. If, he corrected himself.
"Hey, Dawson. What else did the doctors say?" He hoped this time he could get more from her.
"They're hoping to get a better indication where she's at in the next 24."
He nodded now not so hopeful.
"Hey, she looked a little better."
Dawson wanted to cheer him up but all he could think was
"You saw her? They told me no visitors?" Why couldn't I see her?
"I wasn't a visitor. I was getting examined myself." She pointed to him.
"You're right. I'm sorry. How are you doing?" He apologized but he didn't feel that way.
Dawson knew so much about Shay's condition. She was with her when it all happened. Probably she was the one Shay was going to live with.
"The thing is me and Shay had a disagreement right before she went on the shift."
"Yeah, I know. She asked if she could stay at my place for a while."
He was right about that and he didn't like that. He didn't want Dawson being the one to be with her after discharging from the hospital.
"Yeah. But in light of things I think she should come back home after she's discharged. I'll take care of her."
"That's her call to make but I'm not really worried about that right now."
"Of course. Yeah" He muttered. Shay's wellbeing was priority here not the place she'd stay after. "I just want her to be okay."
Still he hoped that Shay would come back to their place after all. He had talked like it went without saying, told her about hipster music from her room and all that nonsense because it was easier than to plead for her to stay with him. But once again she told him no.
"I'm still gonna stay with Dawson, Kelly. I think the way we left it is best."
He was back where he started that day in his apartment all alone with only beer and his thoughts to keep him company.
"I don't know who this is Kelly, but it isn't you."
"I had almost turned into a murderer just because I thought it was the only way to get my life back."
"Are you high?"
"I'm not gonna sit here and watch you just fool yourself."
"All of you tried to talk me out of it, to make me calm down and keep on with my life but the only thing I could think about was how my life couldn't be the same now and that no one of you couldn't understand that."
"You and me should both be taking 75%"
"I'll go on a long-term disability. That's 75% pay. And then do what, Shay? Working squad is all I want. It's all I have."
"Firehouse 51 is made out of you and me and Severide… and every firefighter that passes through those gates. Nothing can take that away from you."
"You know I love you, right? I love you because I know you'd stick your neck out for me the way I have for you."
"If you have a problem, don't hide it. Everything can be solved but sometimes it needs more than one person to achieve."
He was scared to lose his job but he didn't like the way he was going right now. Little by little he was turning into drug addict who was thinking only about himself and didn't care how many people could be hurt by his actions. He didn't want to lose Shay but he would if he kept up with his ignorance. Maybe that crash was his last warning like that gun was for Matt. Maybe he needed some help after all.
"I need help." It wasn't as hard as he expected it to be and it was somewhat a relief to know he wasn't alone.
"You got it."
"I'm so damn proud of you, Kelly. And if I were straight I'd throw the biggest hump into you right now."
First time in his life somebody was proud of him for being weak and asking for help and he was happy. He didn't need to fight all alone. He had his family, his home and he would do everything not to lose it. It ain't easy but it's possible.
"I really don't know what I would've done if anything happened to you."
"I felt the exact same way."
"Alright. Alright."