A pillar of demonic red energy blasted into the sky. The thick cloud cover overhead was blown away, and chunks of rock and other debris were scattered by the shock-wave. From the crater left behind, a dark figure began to rise.

"...hmhmhmhm...hahahahaha...AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" the figure screamed maniacally. "At last, I am free! Free to ravage the world once more! Now that I have regained my full powers I shall wipe humanity from the face of the earth, starting with this pathetic town!"

"Not so fast." The devil turned his head. His nemesis stood atop a nearby building, his battle raiment fluttering gallantly in the wind and enhancing his already imposing figure. "Your reign of terror ends today!" the hero declared. "No more lives shall be lost to your evil, no more innocents shall suffer at your hands! Today, good shall triumph once and for all!"

"Foolish mortal," sneered the devil. "You know not of what you face. I shall sunder your flesh and drink your blood. Your soul shall become my eternal plaything whilst your bones shall be made into a monument, a reminder forever more of the fate of those who oppose me! Your life, and your world, ends here."

Off screen, Kiba began to wonder if maybe they were taking this a little too far.

"My life is unimportant!" declared the hero dramatically. "If with my suffering, with my pain, I can allow my planet to survive just a second longer-" He swept his hand to the side. "Then I shall die without any regrets!" His jumped into the air, preparing his right fist for a punch as he fell. "NYOOOOOOOOO!"

The villain's eyes flashed green, and he answered the hero's attack with a left hook of his own. As their fists met the ground ruptured, contorting the already impressive crater into a jagged wound in the earth. The resulting shock-wave took the form of a destructive wind, sending cars, fences and poor, innocent Kiba hurtling into the next block.

Later, In The Clubroom…

"...So?" said Rias, fighting back a smile. "How did it go?"

Kiba looked like a broken man - that is to say, more so than usual. His blazer was missing and his shirt was torn. One trouser leg was missing and his normally immaculate hair was a mess. Streaks of dirt covered his face and he had a cold, dead look in his eye that Rias hadn't seen since they had gotten him his tsukkomi shirt the previous year.

Issei, on the other hand, looked even worse. His clothes were naught but burnt rags, bruises covered his exposed abdomen and he had a cut that constantly leaked blood into his right eye, forcing him to keep it shut. He had the same look on his face that Rias' cousin had whenever he'd just beaten up his little brother.

"I had fun!" said Issei cheerfully. "Send me to see that guy again!"

"Please, tell me I only had to supervise his first request." groaned Kiba, slumping down into a chair.

Akeno openly giggled at his suffering. "What did he ask for?"

"He wanted me to turn him into a magical girl." smirked Issei. "So I fed him some bull about training for the day when he became worthy." He looked down at himself, noting the faint smell of carbonized hair. "Can I use your shower?"

"Go for it." nodded Rias. "I thought something like this would happen, considering what usually happens when you and Kiba are in the same room, so I prepared fresh uniforms for the both of you."

"Awesome." grinned Issei, disappearing behind the shower curtain. "The old uniform was too big anyway. Belonged to some dude on the football team." The few, charred pieces of cloth that remained were flung out from behind the curtain, where they fluttered gently to the ground. "Remind me later to return it."

As the sounds of running water filled the room, Rias made a mental note to ask for a full report on Issei's first request later. It was probably hilarious.

"...Yuuto-senpai. Your tea." Koneko earned a smile as Kiba accepted his tea, finally perking up as he sipped the life-giving liquid.

"Yuuto," said Rias, as a thought suddenly occurred to her. "Where's the payment?"

His face went blank. "Payment?"

"You don't need to worry about that." called Issei, still in the shower. "Mil-tan slipped it into Kiba's back pocket when he wasn't looking." The way Kiba shuddered when he heard this made Rias wonder what sort of person had contracted them. The water stopped. "Could someone pass me my clothes, please?" Koneko pulled a folded boys' uniform out of a drawer and held it out next to the shower curtain. "No peeking." said Issei teasingly, but Koneko just scowled in response.

"I think the two of you have had enough excitement for one day." smiled Rias. "Why don't we leave it at that, and try again tomorrow."

The shower curtain slid open, and Issei - clean, clothed and still bleeding - stepped out. "Right, about that thing you told me about, where more than one Evil Piece can be used when someone is extra valuable, and how I have that Sacred Gear, the… the…"

"Twice Critical?" said Akeno helpfully.

"Yeah, that thing." he nodded, as Kiba stepped into the shower behind him. "Does that mean I took more than one Pawn piece?"

"Actually, no." admitted Rias. "Usually having any Sacred Gear means two Pawns at the least, but you only used one."

"Really?" blinked Issei.

"Really?" repeated Kiba, sticking his head out of the shower.

"It turns out the synchronization rate between you and your Sacred Gear is the lowest ever recorded. In fact it's so bad that the Gear has been leaking draconic radiation into you since birth, causing you to physically and mentally resemble a dragon."

"He has a dragon's personality?" frowned Kiba. "So that's why he's so unbearable."

"So you're saying I'm so weak, I've looped back to strong?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Score!" cheered Issei, flinging his hands into the air. "My awesomeness remains intact."

Realizing this wasn't something he could make fun of him for, Kiba sighed and withdrew back into the shower. "The weakest user of the weakest dragon-based Sacred Gear. Underdog? They should call you the Underdragon."

"Wisdom." nodded Issei proudly. They were stopped from further discussing how epic he was by a tentative knock at the door.

"Excuse me," said Tsubaki Shinra. "I have a message from the Student Council President-"

Quick as a cobra, Issei reached out with one hand and pulled back the shower curtain. There was a brief, shocked silence, before two girlish screams filled the air. Kiba frantically covered himself as Shinra fled from the room, but other than the two of them no one else seemed particularly surprised.

Later, In The Gymnasium…

"While I appreciate the fact that you may be somewhat displeased by my earlier conduct," said Issei reasonably. "Don't you think this is a little harsh?"

Kiba had hung the Pawn from the gym ceiling by a length of chain, which went right around his torso and bound his hands behind his back. The chain was very long and the roof was very high, so the effect was really quite impressive.

"You degenerate, traitorous, fetid little reptile." snarled Kiba, who was actually a lot calmer than he was earlier. "Why do you do these things to me? Why do you feel the need to fill my life with suffering, to drag me with you on your downward spiral? Why! Answer me you prick!"

"I do it because it's funny!" declared Issei heroically. "I regret nothing!"

Kiba cast a shadowed look at the rest of his peerage. "Nobody help him, or I'll set myself on fire in protest."

"That sounds AWESOME! Quick, get me down!" With a frustrated scream, Kiba flung his hands in the air and stormed outside. Rias and her two remaining henchmen looked awkwardly at their newest club member, who was gently swinging from side to side.

"Uh… Would you like us to-"

"No, that's fine." said Issei dismissively. "I would be disrespectful to Kiba's efforts if I didn't break free on my own."

"...I don't understand." admitted Koneko.

Issei pursed his lips, jostling his restraints absently. "In my humble opinion, friendship has to be a mutual thing. Give and take. I give him hell, he gives me hell right back. And if he hasn't asked for help with any of the shit I've put him through then I'll be damned if I don't do the same."

"...So… Man pride?" tried Koneko, not sure if she'd gotten it right.

"And you're already damned," Akeno pointed out. "You're a devil."

"Not the point," grunted Issei, starting to squirm a little bit. "You guys should probably leave. Wouldn't want to get hit by the shrapnel."

"Are you going to flex your way out of there?" wondered Rias, who wouldn't put it past him.

"Rias Rias Rias," tutted Issei, shaking his head sadly. "If I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it with style."

"That's Buchou to you."

"Too hard. How about Rias-buchou?"

It was as good as she was going to get, so Rias just sighed and told the other two to go home. After they left she conjured a transparent red barrier to hide behind, and said; "Alright. Go for it."

Not bothering to acknowledge her, Issei swung his legs back and forth until he flipped himself upside down, grabbing ahold of the chain with his ankles. After waiting a few moments to steady himself he repeated the motion, this time grabbing a higher point on the chain with his hands (Kiba had thoughtfully left his fingers free). He repeated the process, gradually flipping himself up the chain as Rias stood slack-jawed at his gymnastic ability. Soon he ran out of room, with his feet against the ceiling and the chain hanging in several loops beneath him.

"Right," he nodded, psyching himself up. "This worked when Vin Diesel did it."

Before Rias could ask if he'd thought this through (he had not) he had already let himself fall. Her Pawn spun and flipped through the air, the way the chain had been looped causing him to occasionally be jolted to a partial stop, breaking his fall and jolting him in a different direction. When he finally ran out of chain the force of his fall coupled with the earlier punishment caused the restraints around his chest to snap; sharp metal ricocheted across the room as Rias squealed and ducked behind her shield. Issei landed on his hands and feet, like a cat; he held the pose for a brief moment, before a link of chain whipped past and cut a shallow gash into his cheek. He stood, wiped the blood with his thumb, looked at it for a moment and absently licked it off.

"Right!" he said brightly, as Rias hesitantly lowered her barrier. "Shall we be off then?"

It was already dark by the time they left, so none were present to watch as Issei escorted his master home. Rias shot him uncertain looks as he rambled inanely, mentally comparing what she had just witnessed with the night Issei had crashed into her apartment with a serial killer in tow. "Issei?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you treat Yuuto like… like you do."

He gave her a sidelong glance, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't it obvious?"

"Not really."

He thought for a moment, wondering how best to phrase his answer. "You know that thing he does when he's not around me? That cliche bishounen act the fangirls love so much."

"I know it."

"Kiba acts that way because he thinks that's how normal people act. He thinks that… How do I put this…" Issei paused thoughtfully, as a look of slow horror began to creep across Rias' face. "He has this image, in his head, of what an ideal young man looks and acts like. He tries to force himself into this mold to convince himself that he's the pure, gallant knight he thinks he ought to be. I realize that something happened - in his past, that is - and now he thinks he's damaged, impure. I don't know what happened and I'm not going to ask, but I know that when Kiba forgets to maintain that image and acts himself, scars n' all… that's when he's happy."

Rias' jaw was working soundlessly, the words refusing to come out. "I…" she said finally. "I had no idea."

"And another thing," Issei continued. "Kiba has this disconnection with the people around him. He's fine once he's got to know them, but until then he doesn't know how to act. That's the reason he's never touched any of the girls interested in him and also another reason for his prince persona, as a barrier to people he might form bonds with. The only way he'd even notice a girl is if she was thrown into his face… like today."

Rias looked at him with wide eyes. "You're trying to set Yuuto up with Tsubaki?"

"I just set the stage for two people to stand on. Whatever happens is their fault." chuckled Issei. "And while there may be gentler methods of healing, none of them really match my style. Besides, it was hilarious. And it's not like I don't get anything from our friendship myself."

"How so?"

Issei's smile turned bitter. "I've had… dragon eyes… for as long as I can remember. I've always been stronger, and faster, and more energetic than anyone else around me. No one could keep up with me, not even my parents. They tried, at first, but gradually gave up. By the time I hit middle school they had a 'let him run free' approach to raising me. I felt… neglected. Abandoned. I was angry with no one to be angry at, because enough of my friends had broken arms trying to copy me that I knew how much of it was my fault. It was easily the worst three years of my life."

Rias was speechless. Of all people, Issei was the last person she would have expected this from. She wondered what it was about her, that all her servants were such lonely, desperate people.

"But Kiba isn't like that," Issei continued, his countenance starting to lighten. "He keeps up, matches me and no matter what I throw at him he throws it right back. He's… he's…"

"Your equal." murmured Rias. Issei shot her a surprised look, but grinned and nodded. By this point they were outside Rias' apartment building, which still had holes in the sides from Issei's last visit.

"Sorry for screwing your house up." said Issei. Even now, his face was devoid of guilt.

"It's fine," responded Rias dryly. "I fixed the immediate damage with my magic, so it's still habitable."

"Cool. Well, I'll just be-"

"Wait," said Rias, and he quickly turned back. "There's something you should know." As Issei raised an eyebrow curiously, Rias could honestly say that she had no idea how he would react to the information she was about to give him. "The murderer who killed you. The hammer-man. He's alive."

The next day…

"Why the hell am I here?" groused Kiba.

"You're my wingman. I think you'd be far angrier if I didn't invite you than if I did."

"You grabbed me by the arm and stuffed me in a taxi as soon as school finished."

"Thus saving you from the embarrassment of saying yes when I asked."

Before Kiba could lie and say no, he would not have said yes, the receptionist broke in on their conversation and informed them that if they didn't tell her what they fuckin' wanted within the next ten seconds, she'd call a bouncer.

"Hello," smiled Issei, with uncharacteristic politeness. "We're here to see the serial killer."

Behind him, Kiba facepalmed. Fuck this guy and fuck his subtlety too.

"The… The serial killer?" repeated the receptionist uncertainly.

"The dude with the hammer, yes." nodded Issei. "I was the one who put him here. I was also put into intensive care here for a while. Now, the room?"

For a solid half hour, Kiba stood behind his friend and died of shame as the Pawn tried to haggle and bitch his way into his murderer's hospital room. After security was called he finally gave in and hypnotized them, compelling an answer as to where the hammer-man could be found.

He was on the fourth floor, in a room with a cheerful degree of sunshine fluttering through the open window. The Crushing Hammer seemed much smaller now that he was reclining and unconscious. Though his frame had seemed huge before it now seemed to fit without difficulty into the narrow bed, only his head, neck and shoulders visible from under the sheets. He appeared to be sleeping, his long brown hair pooling around his head like a halo. Issei stood next to his bed and looked down at him for a moment, before slapping him lightly on the cheeks. "Oi! Wake up! Wake up!"

"Hunga?" mumbled the man unintelligibly. "Doctor? Is the surgery over?"

"About a hundred years ago."

"A hundred…" The poor, half-asleep man's eyes widened. "Then, you're-"

"A hologram, yes." nodded Issei, as Kiba looked on with pity in his soul. "You fell into a coma after a second building fell on you."

"Seriously? But the world, what-"

"It died."

"No!" sobbed the man. "I never got to fondle that one hot nurse's boobies!" Issei slapped him across the face. "The hologram slapped me!" he gasped in shock. "Wait, you're real!"

"I never said I was a hologram," Issei blatantly lied. "I'm actually a cyborg."

"Then, the world…"

"Is gone. Tough luck."

The (incredibly gullible) man was now sobbing real tears. "NO! BOOBIES!"

"Will you relax," sighed Kiba. "He's obviously leading you on."

With a last, pathetic snivel the man stopped crying, looking up at Issei with wide teary eyes. "Really?"

"Yup. Sorry."

"You bastard! I actually thought I'd woken up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland!"

"Rather, I'm surprised you fell for it."

"I just came out of surgery! I'm drugged to the gills!"

Kiba watched as the man relentlessly tsukkomi'd his best friend, who just casually laughed it off. This, he assumed, was Issei's way of getting over left over fear. He had noticed a long time ago that Issei had a tendency to make excessive jokes when he was upset or shaken up. Being murdered and resurrected, for instance, had led to stalking their class rep to his workplace. More than anything, this was Issei coming to terms with his demons. Being the thoughtful (if occasionally reluctant) friend he was, Kiba quietly stepped out of the room, knowing that Issei had mainly needed his support in getting there and would appreciate the privacy.

Five minutes and a liberal application of his incredibly useful hypnosis spell later and Kiba was sitting in a dark room squirreled away within the hospital's depths, his feet propped on the desk and a pilfered bag of cheese puffs in his hand. The footage being displayed on the screens in front of him showed every inch of the hospital, allowing Kiba to spy in on his friend's conversation. The opening horseplay seemed to be done with, as they both had serious and somewhat awkward expressions on their faces. He had no idea what was being said - as the footage had no volume - but he didn't mind.

Something caught his eye. One of security cams on Issei's floor showed a young man his own age walking down the corridor. His hair was short, straight and white, and he was wearing clerical clothing. His heavy coat swished to the side, and Kiba spotted a gun at his hip.

He bolted from the room.

Meanwhile…

"Thanks for telling me about this." said Issei, lifting a glass of water to the man's lips.

Slowly, almost painfully, the man swallowed. "Thanks for coming to see me." he returned. "No one else has."

"There's one more thing I wanted to ask you," said Issei, carefully setting down the glass. "Where did you find the hammer?"

Something flickered in the man's eyes. A phantom, a specter of remembered horror. His shoulders quivered and his mouth puckered. "It… It wasn't a hammer when I found it." he began. "It was just sitting there, in the antique shop window. An eye, sculpted from black metal."

"You bought it?"

"I did." he nodded. "I saw it, and it just seemed to… to call to me. So I bought it, took it home, left it on the windowsill and forgot about it."

Issei frowned. "Then how did it become a hammer?"

"I was at work one day, demolishing a few walls in an old clinic, when my sledge-hammer broke. I hit concrete, and the head just snapped off. So I picked up the pieces, took them home wondering if I could fix them and saw that the eye was gone. In its place was an unattached hammer-head made from the same material, nearly three times the eye's size. I didn't question it, I didn't wonder why… I just attached it to the shaft of my old hammer, and…"

"And you lost your mind." finished Issei grimly. The man teared up, but nodded. "I have one more question for you, and this is the most important one." He had to repeat himself a few times, as the poor man was still crying. "What happened to the hammer?"

The reclining man gave an odd jerk, his head turning over to face the opposite wall. His face now curiously blank, he had begun to stare blankly into space. A small hole had opened up in his temple, spurts of red shooting out and onto Issei's face and chest.

A bullet wound.

"I know where it iiiis!" sang an enthusiastic voice. Issei slowly rose to his feet and turned to face the doorway, where the exorcist Kiba had spotted through the security cam stood with a gun still smoking between his fingers.

"You didn't need to do that." said Issei quietly.

"Nope." nodded Freed cheerfully. "But the unnecessary kills are always the funniest!"

With a roar Issei lunged forward, the bullets of light fired at him blown away by the sudden surge of draconic aura. Just before Issei could reach him and splatter him over the walls, a shield of light poured into existence from the tip of Freed's gun. As Issei's left fist crashed into the barrier a circle of green light appeared on the back of his hand, the Sacred Gear within pouring out a blanket of emerald energy. As the potent, unstable aura made contact the barrier shattered, sending Freed skidding backwards on his heels.

As Issei recovered from the punch, the window shattered behind him. A tall man with a fedora hat, a trench coat and a pair of feathered black wings soared in, brandishing a spear of blue light at the Pawn's back. There was a blur, and suddenly Kiba was there blocking the attack with his sword. Bat wings spread from his back and he surged forward, pushing the fallen angel backwards until they both fell spiraling out the window.

He eyes still blazing emerald, Issei resumed his attack. Abandoning his gun, Freed began parrying the vicious strikes with his light sword. The fight spilled into the corridor at dizzying speeds and quickly turned three dimensional as they began to bounce off the walls, floor and ceiling in attempts to catch the other off guard. As they tore down the hallway like demented pinballs an ancient looking woman in nurse's scrubs ambled around the corner, pushing a trolley laden with unpleasant looking food.

His face breaking into a psychotic grin, Freed pushed off the ceiling and flung himself sword first in the nurse's direction. Issei cursed but took the bait, dashing along the floor and shielding her with his body. Exorcists had the right idea using light against devils, Issei thought, wincing as the mind numbing agony exploded from the point where the blade pierced his shoulder. With the sword now trapped in his body Issei flipped himself backwards, dragging Freed over the nurse's head and sending them both crashing through the (fourth floor) window.

Absently, Issei remarked to himself that he broke way too many windows.

Outside, Kiba and Donnasiege were locked in an intense aerial clash, the afternoon sky lighting up with sparks as the devil's sword and the fallen angel's spear bounced off one another. In terms of speed Kiba was far superior, only the older man's greater experience and skill protecting him from the Knight's omnidirectional attacks. Donnasiege fought defensively, parrying the younger devil's strikes and waiting for him to drop his guard. He got his wish when Kiba attempted a weapon breaking strike, charging from the front and putting his weight behind the blade.

In a flash, a swarm of light spears formed a circle in the air around the fallen angel before firing like harpoons. Kiba barely slowed, sword moving in a blur as he used every scrap of his skill to smash the oncoming missiles, mind racing to calculate which ones would hit him and which ones he could ignore. Donnasiege took advantage of his concentration and lashed out with his right foot, the kick made all the more powerful by the young devil's momentum. As Donnasiege was at slightly higher elevation the blow knocked Kiba downwards, crashing into the roof of a decrepit building neighboring the hospital. As a devil he was naturally sturdy enough to survive, but it still disoriented him enough that he had to use his sword as a crutch to stand.

"Any last words?" gloated Donnasiege, creating a fresh spear as he floated lower to the roof. His back was to the hospital, so he didn't notice as Issei and Freed crashed out of the fourth floor window. Kiba pulled a knife out of nowhere and threw it. When the fallen angel dodged the implement sailed past his ear, accurately stabbing into Freed's shoulder. As the exorcist yelped with pain his concentration wavered, and the blade of his light sword (which was itself impaled in Issei's shoulder) flickered out of existence. Free from the holy instrument, Issei twisted himself in mid air and threw his opponent at Donnasiege's back, both of them tumbling to the roof in a heap. Calling on instincts he didn't know he had, Issei filled his lungs with air, held it for a moment, then let fly.

The exorcist and the fallen angel disappeared beneath the colossal fireball, the conflagration melting the tiles to slag and searing a hole into the building below. Issei landed unsteadily, but mostly fine. "As expected of my wingman." he grinned, though it was a bit strained due to his injury.

Kiba stared at the gaping wound in the building's roof. "I didn't know you could do that."

"Neither did I." said Issei honestly.

The inside of the building was dark and musty, as the windows were all boarded up. The only light came from the custom skylight Issei had burnt through the ceiling, forming a pool of illumination in which Issei and Kiba stood back to back. Rather than make a surprise attack, which was the smart thing to do, Freed and Donnasiege simply walked slowly from the darkness, laughing in a sinister manner. It would have been a lot more imposing were it not for the amusing scorch marks on the clothes.

"You see?" smirked Donnasiege. "I told you the devils would come looking for the hammer."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." chirruped Freed. "That chance to slaughter shitty devils at my leisure, ahn, it makes me so excited!"

"Don't get reckless. We can't afford to fight fairly."

"Are they ignoring us?" wondered Issei.

"They probably think it's cool." snorted Kiba. "Assholes."

They must have hit the nail on the head, because their remarks made Donnasiege flush an angry red. "Philistines!" he snarled. "As if plebs like you could ever understand true villainship!"

"Seconded!" hooted Freed, who hadn't understood a word the other man had just said. "Plus, we've got a secret weapon for you to deal with!"

A huge figure stepped out of the darkness. The creature was quadrupedal, with gigantic hooked claws digging into the ancient floorboards. Where the creature's neck should be it instead extended into the torso of a beautiful woman, whose most prominent feature was-

"Woah," whispered Issei, eyes wide. "Check out those bazongas."

"Don't get so excited," grunted Kiba. "They're fake."

Issei raised his eyebrows. "You sure?"

"I'm positive."

"How can you tell?"

"They make sloshing noises when she moves."

"Is that seriously all you have to say about the situation?" frowned Freed. "I mean, we have a stray devil with us for crying out loud."

"Meh." shrugged Kiba, leaning with insulting nonchalance on his sword. "Mercenaries come from all walks of life."

"And besides," continued Issei cheerfully. "We have a secret weapon of our own!"

"You do?" blinked Donnasiege.

"We do?" echoed Kiba skeptically.

"You doubt me?"

"Not at all," said Kiba, who had learned better by this point. "I just don't see what you could have possibly prepared in advance. I mean, this was a hospital visit to start with."

"My awesomeness transcends both logic and reason!" declared Issei, as if that somehow explained everything. "If something promises to be even moderately entertaining, then isn't that reason enough to go through with it?"

"So?" said Donnasiege, who after the last few lines of dialogue was beginning to severely doubt that their 'secret weapon' existed. "Where is it?"

"I'm glad you asked!" shouted Issei, pumping his fist heroically. "Is it a car? Is it a van? No, it's-"

"MIL-TAAAAAAN!" As the thunderous roar split the air the ceiling caved in, tiles and rafters flooding the room in a grey waterfall of debris. A colossal, shadowed form crashed to the ground, its powerful figure obscured by the dust. As the haze cleared the man straightened, his wrecking-ball class muscles bulging under his tan brown skin. He was wearing a pink, frilly, feminine thing evocative of Chibi-Moon, complete with white gloves and ballerina shoes. Trying to ignore what was beneath the too-small skirt only drew ones gaze to his face, where too-small eyes were set too far apart over a bulbous nose and bulbous lips, the hair above drawn into childish pigtails. The cross-dresser stomped one foot on the ground (causing a minor earthquake) flexed his arms and roared his battle cry. "NYOOOOOOO!"

"Well," said Kiba. "Fuck me."

The two stooges desperately flung themselves in opposite directions as Mil-tan barreled towards them, tackling the surprised devil full on. She managed to rear up on her hind legs just before he hit her, the hooked claws on her front legs raking against his shoulders. Though they tore his clothing like it was paper the flesh beneath remained unharmed, the bizarre human's skin being seemingly impenetrable to her talons. As she continued to be pushed back the devil instead used her fore legs to push off her adversary's chest, just as Mil-tan lunged forward for a punch. The daintily clad fist crushed all beneath it like a sand castle, erupting through the wall to destroy the room beyond, as well as the room beyond that.

Having gained some ground on her opponent, the devil lifted her exposed breasts and squeezed. In classic Melona style, twin jets of green liquid shot towards her foe, splattering his front and eating like acid into what they hit. It seemed the human had lost, until for the second time in the fight Mil-tan unleashed his battle cry. "NYO!" A shock-wave of pure, unadulterated fighting spirit erupted from his body, blowing the lingering acid across the room. Once more the unhinged bodybuilder was unharmed by the attack, though the only shred of clothing to survive was a pair of modest white panties. "You are strong nyo," acknowledged Mil-tan respectfully. "But no devil can win against a true magical girl nyo."

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." said Donnasiege. He, Freed, Issei and Kiba (in that order) were standing in a line to watch the veritable kaiju battle taking place at the other end of the room. Their fight had been temporarily forgotten by the sheer WTF of the moment. "When does this even happen…?"

"On Saturdays, apparently." shrugged Freed. He pulled out a transparent plastic bottle filled with cheap lemonade and took a swig. He smacked his lips, then proffered the bottle to Issei. "Want some?"

"I'm good." grunted Issei, then took a bite out of a banana he'd pulled out from somewhere. Freed clicked his tongue in annoyance, as the lemonade had been laced with holy water. Scowling, he lit himself a cigarette.

"Where the hell did that come from?" wondered Kiba, referring to the banana. Issei looked down at the phallic fruit for a moment, frowning in thought.

"I'm not sure." he admitted finally. He pulled off the skin and tossed it over his shoulder, before stuffing what remained in his mouth. By this point, Mil-tan was clearly dominating the fight. Both of the stray devil's fore limbs had been torn off, and she was now attempting to bite him with a huge vertical mouth that had opened along her underbelly. Despite the horrific fangs therein she had still failed to penetrate the human's skin. With a roar, Mil-tan lifted her bodily over his head and hurled her across the room, skidding across the floorboards and slamming painfully into the opposite wall. For once, it managed not to shatter on impact. "Are you alright?" asked Issei, suddenly appearing with his face a mask of concern. "Here, drink this."

"Urgh, thank (cough) you." the devil groaned, before drinking the lemonade in one swig.

Freed's eyes widened, and he grasped for a bottle that was no longer there. "When did he…?" he tried to say, but only succeeded in inhaling his cigarette. Issei hopped away from the stray devil just as she started to thrash about, raising herself on her remaining legs and staggering about the room like a drugged horse, destroying everything in her path as the holy lemonade incinerated her from the inside out.

"You bastard!" snarled Donnasiege, summoning a spear of light and lunging for the Pawn's back. In a blur Kiba was there to stop him, blocking the holy weapon with a black sword.

"Holy Eraser!" snarled the Knight, and as its name was proclaimed the blade dissolved into shadow, gathering around the glowing spear and eating into it like salt on a slug. As the fallen angel staggered backward in horror Kiba pulled a new sword out of the air, this time with a blade that glowed red. "Now, prepare to bur- Whoa!"

Before he could fillet the other man into scorched crow drumsticks, Kiba abruptly slipped on the banana peel Issei had left on the ground earlier. Flipping arse over eyeballs he landed winded on his back, the demonic sword in his hand flying through the air to land in a stray pool of acid. The volatile substance promptly reacted with the sword of fire, combusting in a small explosion.

"Hmm," murmured Issei thoughtfully.

Donnasiege stood there for a moment, hardly able to believe his luck, before bursting out into villainous laughter and summoning swords of blue light to both hands. "Bwahahahahahaha! You thought you could best me, corrupt one? I, who was fashioned by the Creator? I, who have survived battles uncountable? Nay, today it shall be YOU that… Is something burning?"

As Kiba had made his embarrassing slip (lol) he had actually managed a single slash, that due to his fall had completely gone over the fallen angel's head. However, due to Donnasiege's tendency to dramatically spread his wings behind his head the slash had in fact made contact. While he had failed to cut the appendages in any way, it was more than enough to set the things alight.

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH!" screamed Donnasiege. "I'M ON FIRE!" He began to run in circles, his wings flapping wildly. Unfortunately, it only served to fan the blaze. "SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

By this point, Freed had finally swallowed his cigarette. "You fucker!" he roared. "I'll kill you!"

"Oh yeah," blinked Issei, bumping his right fist into his left palm even as the crazed exorcist charged towards him. "I have a Sacred Gear too!" The air around Rias' only Pawn ignited with red and green draconic energy. The furnace of destructive energies was so turbulent that Freed skidded backwards several yards, one arm brought up to shield his eyes. As the blast of power died down the arm was lowered, allowing him to see what Issei had summoned. It didn't look like much, just a gauntlet of bulky red armor that went to mid forearm and failed to cover his fingers, with a huge green gem set over his wrist.

"Twice Critical." Issei proclaimed with a grin. Without moving from his spot, without moving into range, he delivered his best left straight.

The unstoppable stream of dragon fury that hit Freed in the chest was like the rage of nature itself. Issei's ridiculous synchronization rate stopped it from actually doubling his abilities, instead multiplying it by one point something. But it was enough to send the exorcist crashing into Donnasiege (thereby putting him out) and onward into the stray devil, all three of them blown away in a tangled mass.

When the smoke cleared, Issei was on the ball.

"Mil-tan!" he shouted. "Formation 'Wall of Truth'!"

Despite having arranged no such formation beforehand, the cross-dresser responded instantly. "Nyo!" he bellowed, slamming his fists and knees into the ground as though entrenching himself before a storm.

"Kiba-"

"On it."

As his wingman dashed to take cover behind the near-nude giant, Issei flipped through the air to land on Mil-tan's shoulders. He took a deep breath and spat out the largest fireball he could, joining Kiba in his hiding place just as it collided with the acid sacks on the stray devil's chest.

The resulting explosion was straight out of a Die Hard movie. The rush of heat and fire flooded the room, bursting through every available window and door before blowing the building itself to kingdom come. Bystanders ran screaming in every direction to escape from the crescendo of heat and sound, and a massive mushroom cloud of fire and smoke belched upwards like a black and orange tree.

When the coast was clear, Issei was the first to emerge. While he and Kiba had been protected from harm, Mil-tan had taken the brunt of the assault. Though he was physically unhurt his entire front was charred black, thankfully shielding his now naked form from view. "That was great teamwork, nyo." he nodded appreciatively. "A fitting conclusion to our first co-op battle, nyo."

"Why do you talk like that?" grumbled Kiba. "You talked just fine during the request earlier."

"You wrote the script." Issei pointed out. They fell into silence, observing the scorched battlefield. Eventually, one of them said;

"Did we get them?"

Minutes later…

"My beautiful wings…" sobbed Donnasiege, nursing a titanic bottle of absinthe. "My glossy black blankets of loveliness. My pride and joy."

"Walk it off, you pussy." snorted Mitelt, perched alongside Calawana at the same table.

"Was it really that bad?" wondered the older woman. "Two devils and a human against our three best fighters?"

"That… That thing… wasn't human." snarled Freed, pacing restlessly in the corner. "And that one devil, with the green eyes, he's the reason we lost." His eyes flashed maniacally. "I'll kill him myself."

"Freed," said Calawana gently. "You need to calm dow-"

"DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" he screamed, and she recoiled with shock.

"Now, now," smirked Reinare, finally stepping into the room. "Why don't you channel that energy into something productive." She stepped aside, and a sixth person entered the room.

"Zelzan-san," smiled Asia, her eyes alight with innocence. "I'm ready for our first mission!"

In canon, Issei was the weakest ever user of the Boosted Gear.

In this, Issei is the weakest ever user of a Twice Critical.