Title: Incidental

Pairing: Kaka/femNaru

Rating M: language, adult themes

Summary: Naruto Uzumaki doesn't plan her relationships so much as she accidentally falls into them and then realizes belatedly that, oh yeah, she loves this person. Fortunately that works out for her.

/ˌinsiˈdentl/: occurring merely by chance

Upon meeting Naruto Uzumaki, no one would describe her as the brightest crayon in the box. Or is it the sharpest pencil? Whatever…like she actually needs to get metaphors straight, people will get what she's saying eventually. For Naruto, it's a fact of life that pretty much everyone in the village is more intelligent than she is…which is why it's so hilarious that no one saw this coming. And really, isn't the best thing in life a good, long laugh?

It's not like Naruto set out with a plan in life…you know, other than the whole "I want to be Hokage thing." That is more like a goal than a plan. Sakura lectured her on it once…the idea that you set goals and make plans to get to the goals. Naruto can set goals like nobody's business (is that the right phrase?), but making a plan to get to the business….yeah, not her forte, really. The way she reaches her goals is often left to chance (And that is chance, not fate, Neji you idiot, believe it). But if you point this out to her she will deny it vehemently (Sakura taught her that word) and swear it is all hard work. Just so you know.

Surprisingly, Naruto's first goal isn't to be Hokage. The whole Hokage business is an unintended consequence of trying to reach her very first goal: to glow. The glowing thing makes sense once she explains it.

Her first memories are of living in an orphanage where caretakers mostly ignore her and discourage other children from interacting with the monster girl. She has enough food, a warm bed, sturdy clothes…Jiji has the Zoo flit in and out unannounced to make sure that she receives the basic necessities. Naruto thinks that it is hysterical that the matron is so afraid of the animal masked men who periodically checked in on the girl during childhood. The woman throws the laundry, or the food, or the child that she is carrying into the air with a screech and clutches at her heart before scolding the Zoo men about using doors and knocking and swearing that she is going to retire from all this nonsense.

The Zoo people watch the monsters in the village, like Naruto. They talk with the matron and then check out Naruto's living quarters. Afterward, they pick up the blonde girl and exit through the window (amidst more screeching) and take her to the doctor. Naruto does not like the doctors so much. They poke and prod and hem and haw at the girl. They take blood, test her reflexes, wrinkle their noses, and talk about the results over her head using big words that she can't understand. Doctors talk to people, not monsters like Naruto. Naruto puffs out her cheeks and huffs, but she puts up with the examinations because afterward the Zoo men take her to Jiji.

Naruto adores Jiji. He is old and wrinkly and smells funny most days, but she thinks that this is because of the wooden fire stick thing that he puts in his mouth. (It must help him breathe, but it makes Naruto sneeze and the one time she tries it when he has his back turned sends her into a coughing fit so violent that he makes her go back to the doctors). Jiji talks to everyone, even little monster girls. He tells her stories and lets her sit on his lap and steal his hat and tickles her and takes her to lunch. (Jiji introduces her to ramen and is responsible for the resulting addiction much to the dismay of every nutritionist who ever examines the girl). Days which she gets to see Jiji are the best days.

About the time that she realizes that she is old enough to reach and grip the door knobs in the orphanage and let herself outside to explore (which the Zoo does not appreciate), she sits down on the top of the stairs and thinks. She has just come from a visit with Jiji. She noticed the pictures on his desk today and asked him about them. Jiji had talked about family and sons and children and love and protecting people. Naruto really doesn't understand most of it, but Jiji seemed so happy talking about it all…she wants to be that happy too; nothing in her short life has ever made her glow like Jiji this afternoon.

So she watches the children play. Some of them call each other brother or sister and they glow like Jiji. Sometimes older people from the village visit the orphanage in pairs and pick out children to take home…and then they glow like Jiji. (But she is a monster girl and monster girls do not get to be picked out to take home like other children). Even the matron glows sometimes, late at night after a day full of laughter and no fights when she brushes some of the younger girls' hair by the firelight after bath time. Naruto brushes her long yellow hair herself…it doesn't make her glow.

Eventually, Naruto notices a pattern. People only glow like Jiji when they are with other people. But monster girls aren't supposed to play with other children…and the other children know that they aren't supposed to play with monster girls. So Naruto stands up, marches down the stairs, weaves in and out of her cheerful housemates (not so much weaving as a parting of the seas, but Naruto ignores this) and uses her new door opening skills. After all, as she had recently noticed, her world isn't limited to the orphanage. Somewhere out there, somebody is going to be like Jiji and not be afraid of little monster girls. Believe it.

Returning to the fact that everyone in the village is pretty much smarter than Naruto, anyone in the village could have told her that attempting to make friends with the villagers was a bad idea. In fact, they do tell her so, many times and in many different ways. But Naruto, although not the brightest, is perhaps the most determined child in the village, which leads her to develop her second goal: Get attention.

The villagers aren't thrilled with Naruto's presence in the village. At first, they restrain themselves to cold glares, sniffs, and to ignoring the small child. When Naruto exhausts the village adults in searching for someone like Jiji that can make her glow, she approaches the other children. She is a bit wary of this because all the children that she knows (at the orphanage) have been told to stay away from monster girls. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how one looks at it, these children haven't been warned to stay away from monster girls, because the monster girl has, so far, been kept behind the "bars" of the orphanage. Naruto has one beautiful week with playground friends until the villagers catch on and realize exactly to what their children are being exposed. Then things get violent, and ugly. Words are used that Naruto doesn't understand; things are thrown that are sharp and pointy and hurt and a Zoo man with silver hair steals her away to Jiji. She sits, rocked in Jiji's lap and clutching tightly at his robes, as she chokes and struggles to breathe because big wet raindrops are pouring from her eyes and she can't make them stop.

In the morning, she wakes in her bed at the orphanage. She rubs at her dry eyes, rolls out of bed, marches down the stairs, weaves in and out of her cheerful housemates (who ignore the monster girl) and makes her way back to the playground…which is empty. It is empty that day and the day after that and they day after that…until she goes to Jiji who gives her this really long story about the villagers not wanting their children to play with her but that she has a right to the playground too and so the Zoo has been asked to keep the other children from the playground as long as she is on it and he was very sorry about all of this and people were very stupid and someday everyone will grow up and get along. (His words are a bit different, but that is the gist of everything). Because she is the monster girl (Jiji doesn't say that but he doesn't need to at that point).

Well then, well then. Naruto turns over the recent events in her mind as she swings by herself on her favorite playground swing. The villagers don't want her to play with their children because she is the monster girl. But she wants to glow. She can't glow without other people. She can't be with other people because she is the monster girl and the monster girl is…bad? Scary? Dangerous? Jiji assures her that she isn't bad or scary or dangerous…but the villagers obviously think these things. So, she just has to show them that she isn't bad or scary or dangerous. She has to get them to notice that even though she is a monster girl, she is a good monster girl…she just needs to… to get their attention, somehow.

If the villagers don't want their children to play with the monster girl, she will just have to play with the villagers instead.

The Zoo isn't so thrilled with her epiphany, but Naruto has a new goal. At the orphanage, children get attention when they are loud and make messes that the adults have to step in and clean up…so that is what Naruto does. She makes herself loud, she is nosy, she makes messes that only adults can clean up and she gets in the way of people as much as possible. In the meantime, she finds that the Zoo makes it their life mission to keep Naruto from being loud and nosy and, well, outside. So she gets better at hiding from the Zoo (more like running from the Zoo). She becomes sneakier with her jokes and grows formidably familiar with all the nooks and crannies of the village. She learns to be weary of the dark-haired men and women with jackets bearing fans and stays clear from the tight lipped graceful adults with the blank eyes and anyone wearing green vests or who travels by rooftop. These are much more dangerous than the shopkeepers that grow red in the face when she puts snails in the food stalls.

And she grows. She learns that the Zoo and the dangerous adults are ninja. She grows stronger and can walk farther form the orphanage and stays out longer until she chances across the outer walls of the village that seem to reach to the heavens. She hides and watches as they open and close and ninja disappear into the dense trees beyond…she tries to exit with the ninja and is stopped by the Zoo, who don't listen (or apparently care) that she only wants to see if there are people beyond the trees who like little monster girls.

Eventually, she has the villagers' attention, she has the Zoo's attention and Jiji's attention, but she is still a monster girl…and she still doesn't glow. Dejected she returns to Jiji. She sits in his office, kicking her feet back and forth in the air, legs too short to reach the floor as Jiji puffs on his fire stick, watching her from the other side of his desk.

"Naruto, my child," (she is always "my child" to Jiji, never monster or brat or demon spawn) "You can sulk in my office all day but I can't read your mind." His tone softens as his gaze lingers on the bowed blonde head. "If you want help you have to ask for it."

Jiji is a bit confused when she explains that she wants to glow but the villagers won't let her because she is the monster girl. But after scolding her for calling herself the monster girl and letting Naruto explain about the pictures on his desk he gathers her into his arms and retrieves a photo from a drawer.

"Naruto, do you know what this is?" Jiji asks around his pipe, directing her attention to the photograph. In the picture a young man and three children smile at the camera. The man looks familiar, but it is the children in the photograph who Naruto studies closely. Two boys who look like they don't get along, one with wild white hair and red face paint and another with long dark hair, pale skin, and slanted eyes…and a girl in the middle with light hair in a ponytail and a big grin. Naruto outlines the people with her fingers.

"This is a team…my team in fact. Do you know why we structure our ninja into teams here in Konoha?" Naruto shakes her head and leans back in the old man's arms, beginning to notice other "team" pictures on the man's desk.

"In Konoha, we believe that family is important. We think that people draw strength from protecting and fighting for their families, their important people…I'm sure you've noticed some of the bloodline clans in Konoha—the ninja that dress similarly or have similar eyes or features? They are family and they are fiercely protective of one another. Now they might tell you differently, but the truth is that family is so protective of each other because family members love each other unconditionally…that means they love each other no matter what the other person does. I "glow" as you phrase it, because I love my family. Your "glowing" is really just an effect of having people that you love. Sometimes, families, like the clans or the siblings you've met at the orphanage, are born into being…they have the same parents or are biologically related, they share the same blood in some fashion. But sometimes we chose our families, like the children who are adopted at the orphanage. Ninja teams are a bit like a chosen family. And of course," says the Sandaime with an odd smile, "sometimes families just happen."

The elderly man stops and puffs on his pipe for a moment with a far-off look in his eye. "The ninja of Konoha—I like to think that we are one big extended family, with our teams serving as nuclear families for those who don't have biological families of their own. Teams that care about one another, who fight for each other, are stronger and more likely to make it home."

Naruto interrupts, "So, I don't have a born family, but I can choose a team and that will be my family?"

Jiji ruffles her hair and chuckles, "If you decide to become a ninja, and graduate from the Academy you will then be placed on a team, that I hope, will be a family for you."

"Can't I get a team now?" Naruto wasn't known for her patience.

"I'm afraid not, my child, it's something you'll have to wait for—"

"Where is your team, I don't think I've seen them before…" Naruto clutches at the photograph and eyes the faces before her.

The old man sighs and sets his pipe down. "No, children grow up you see, and I will always love them, but they took on their own students and are out and about with their own busy lives…but they check in with me every once in a while… family members can leave the village but they don't stop being your family. The family grows and gets bigger and sometimes they do silly things, but you don't ever stop loving your family."

"Oh." Naruto watches Jiji carefully. "Doesn't that…mean you are lonely?" Monster girls get lonely. Surely Jijis get lonely too…wouldn't it hurt more if she learns how to glow and people leave her? She isn't sure a family is worth that…

Her fear is met with a laugh and a wink. "Don't worry my child, I'm the Hokage… the entire village is my family and I'm never lonely. How can I be lonely when I have such wonderful family members like you who come and visit me all the time?" He tweaks her nose and she giggles.

Later, the Zoo sighs in exasperation as the blonde girl runs screaming through the village streets that "everybody better shape up and listen" because she is going to be Hokage someday. (Believe it!)

As the Hokage moves her into a private apartment and enrolls her early in the Academy due to her incessant begging, she continues to vocalize her newest goal: Become Hokage. Because then, she thinks to herself as she curls up to sleep in the unfamiliar quiet of her new home, I'll never stop glowing.

However, life seldom works out the way you think it will. The years go by with everyone in the village confidently secure in the knowledge that the girl will never be Hokage and Naruto confidently determined to prove them wrong.

When Naruto finally gets her team, she is disappointed to discover that this whole "unconditional love" thing doesn't naturally click into place. She has to work at it, and with Sasuke-asshole on her team, she has to work hard it. And it's not like Pinkie makes it any easier. And half the time, when Sensei looks at her it's like he's wincing in pain or seeing someone else instead of Naruto…and then he sighs and gets all disappointed that Naruto doesn't catch on to things as quickly as Sasuke-bastard or Fan-girl and Naruto wants to scream and pull her hair out (or sock Sensei in the face but he's a jounin and that one won't be a viable option for a few years yet). Naruto has spent hours watching families and studying what they do together and how they act…she can't even get Team Seven to have lunch together most days. She has a sinking feeling in her stomach that this isn't what a family is supposed to be …and she still isn't glowing. But she won't let this setback keep her from being Hokage, and then everyone will have to love her, believe it.

Naruto is so caught up in complaining about Kaka-sensei's tardiness and the Asshole's jeers and Pinkie's ever-present disdain that she is completely shocked silent when, in the midst of ranting at Ichiraku's one night (her favorite place which caters to monster girls…she'd worn them down with her enthusiasm for their product), she looks up at her dinner companion and realizes…Iruka-sensei is glowing. Well he is for a minute, before he rolls his eyes and tells her to chew with her mouth closed because her jaw drops with the realization. When he walks her home and gives her a hug before saying goodnight, like he always does, she lets herself enjoy the warmth of it and promises to be good and stay safe before stumbling into her home in a daze.

She drops cross-legged onto her living room floor in her thinking pose. Iruka-sensei glowed …like Jiji, which meant Iruka-sensei was family and that he loved her—what was the phrase Jiji had used?—unconditionally. Love no matter what she does, love despite the fact that she is a monster girl. She hugs her knees and thinks back to the night when she earned her hitai-ate. Iruka had protected her and told her that he was proud of her…and he had glowed that night too. What was it Jiji said, sometimes families just happen? She pushes her forehead against her knees to stop from shaking. She didn't choose Iruka, she'd resigned herself to the idea that her only chance for a family would be her team. She didn't choose him, and surely as much trouble as she'd caused over the years he hadn't chosen her…but he loved her anyway.

She stands suddenly and fumbles for the picture of her and Iruka which rests next to her team photograph on her nightstand. She examines it critically and then sets it down. They glowed. And now that she saw it she was going to be a girl and cry about it. She plops onto her bed and stares at the ceiling. She didn't plan for Iruka to be part of her family; they'd just stumbled upon each other. But, as she grabs at a pillow, for the first time she understands what Jiji means about fighting for family, because now that Iruka is family she isn't ever going to let anyone take him away, ever. Anyone that tries would be introduced to the real reason that people taught their children to fear the monster girl.

And maybe, maybe she doesn't need to try so hard to make Team Seven family. Maybe it'll be like Iruka, and one day she'll wake up and look at a photo and realize that somewhere, somehow in the midst of their adventures, they've all come to love each other. After all, she is going to be Hokage one day, and then she'd look out and the entire village would be her family, and that meant her distant Sensei, bastard rival, and annoying female friend (and Naruto swore if that girl mentioned conditioner one more time she was going to eat mud) would all be her family anyway. Believe it.

Which, for the most part, is what happens. But Jiji never told Naruto the part about family dying and leaving you behind and ripping out your heart, putting it through a shredder, and shattering your soul into millions of tiny pieces like a mirror hit with a hammer, creating a dazed and confused victim barely capable of wondering what the hell just happened to the world. Which is how Naruto feels when Jiji dies, when Sasuke tells her she is important and then, moments later, tosses her aside like garbage, and when that sex craved pervert of a teacher doesn't come back to take her out for ramen like he promises.

Jiraiya is the only person that she ever tells why she wants to be Hokage.

He watches her sadly, and comments that "you can't force people to love you, Naruto, love is something that grows over time and is often a mystery as to where and how and why it springs up. That's why people like writing about it because no one truly understands it." Jiraiya looks thoughtful and then adds, "Well that and nothing like love can break people and make them bat-shit crazy." She doesn't understood his point and gives him what he interprets as an offensive look which sets him off about inept students and young kids who don't know about the hardships of the world. And then he goes and dies on her and she is sobbing in Iruka's lap and dripping ice-cream on him and thinking that this is the worst practical lesson ever and that she'll never complain about being asked to edit that stupid series of his again if he would just come back and tell her that this is all just a bad joke. But he doesn't and she can only clutch miserably at Iruka's chunin vest as he awkwardly rocks her until she falls asleep.

She awakes the next day in her own bed, with Kakashi sitting at her kitchen table staring dully at a plate of pancakes and Sakura cooking on her stove and pushing them to eat with a tone that promises pain if her orders are unheeded. The trio sits and pokes at their breakfast, each not tasting anything and thinking of their own losses but finding some comfort in the presence of others in pain. Iruka shows up at the end of the meal and softly talks about getting ready for the funeral as he helps Sakura wash dishes. Naruto retreats to her bedroom, donning her funeral attire. She cracks the door open as she pulls her hair into her trademark pigtails and catches the reflection of the people waiting for her in the living room in the beaten up vanity mirror, a hand-me-down type present from Sakura.

This is my family. She thinks as she marks the sorrow on each of their faces, hurting more because she is in pain than because they loved Jiraiya as much as she did.

These are the people that make me glow, is the thought that tumbles across her mind as she is cushioned between Kakashi and Iruka, watching Tsunade stand strong but stumble through the wording of the eulogy for a man who will always be kept in a corner of both their hearts.

I will become strong for them she declares, as Kakashi locks eyes with her and she knows that her Sensei is seeing Naruto and not some ghost from the past, as they fight side by side for Gaara, as he teaches her about elements, as they steal hearts from a man with more than he needs.

I will become strong enough to protect them, Naruto swears as she fights the Pein-Nagato whatever-they-are, Hinata gasping for air on the ground behind her, not thinking about the comrades that have surely already fallen.

I will be strong enough to protect all of them, she promises as Kakashi carries her home piggy-back style and the entire village breaks into cheers, alive and happy and waiting for her, and her heart breaks just a little as she buries her head into the back of Kakashi's neck to hide her tears.

Because all of them deserve to be loved. Sasuke stands to her right, where he should have been all along, and Sakura is to her left, where she fought so hard to be. And somewhere behind them, as they form a barrier between the real monsters and the people that they love, is Kakashi, watching their backs and betting his sanity on their survival as, Naruto realizes, he always has done.

At the end of it all, Naruto understands what Jiji meant when he told her that eventually people leave the village, but they never leave your heart. She understands what Jiraiya meant when he said nothing can break a person like love. She thinks of Neji and the Uchiha and the people she loves who she is still blessed to have in her life. She thinks of what she can do to make her loved ones happy. She sits on her favorite swing at the old playground, gently pushing herself to and fro. She has her village, she has her family, and she will be Hokage. Tsunade herself announced publicly that Naruto would be her successor just that afternoon. Her family is so big now, she has so many people that she loves and she has met all of her goals…so why isn't she glowing? Why does she still feel alone?

The sound of feet intentionally scuffing the ground draws her attention and she looks up with wide blue eyes to see Kakashi approaching her.

"Ah, Naru-chan, you are a bit big for that swing now, aren't you?"

She feels a twinge of guilt as she realizes that she's happy that her sensei never took the oath of office and is no longer being considered for Hokage. Naruto learned over the years that the man doesn't have it in him to love the entire village. He wouldn't understand the speech that Jiji had given her…something had damaged him too early in life…like Sasuke. Maybe that's why, in those early years, he'd given the boy more attention. She asks him about Obito, she's curious to know about their relationship and the past that scarred her teacher's heart so badly…but she thinks better about pressing the issue. Kakashi doesn't owe her his secrets, but he does owe her some honest answers.

Naruto looks at the academy behind her as she twists in her swing. "This is where it all began for me," She says, thinking back to the moment when Iruka announced Team Seven, when she dropped an eraser on Kakashi's head and met the family she'd secretly yearned for, so long ago. She turns to watch her sensei. She knew where her family began, but where was his? Sakura and Naruto had fought tooth and nail to find purchase in his heart, but what else would Kakashi fight to protect? "This is where it all began for me, but I don't have any idea where it began for you." She thrusts her hand out for a handshake and reintroduces herself, as an adult, to a man she loves but of whom she knows very little.

"Hi. I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen and my precious people. I don't like waiting for ramen to cook and I'm not very patient when it comes to anything in general. My hobbies are getting stronger to protect my precious people, making my precious people happy, and refusing to give up on things that everybody else gives up on. I'm going to be the Hokage one day, because I'm the strongest person in the village and I want more than anything else to protect everyone here and make sure our future's peaceful."

Kakashi hesitantly grasps her hand and gives Naruto the oddest look she's ever seen on his face. He seems uncertain, which is strange, because as long as Naruto's known the man uncertainty was an emotion she'd swear was foreign to him. "I'm Kakashi Hatake. I like my teammates and I don't like people who hurt my teammates. My hobbies include thwarting people's expectations of me to get entertaining reactions. My goal is to do my best to keep my teammates safe, because without them I tend to get a bit lost on the road of life."

He's meeting her eyes, something she strove so hard to get him to do when she was a kid and his answer makes her laugh a bit because she's heard it so many times in the past. She smiles at him, about to mockingly say nice to meet you when suddenly his grip on her hand tightens and she is pulled up and out of her swing…and then she's being quite thoroughly kissed. Which is surprising, but not so bad…not bad at all (she's probably blushing but she'll deny it to her dying day) and she feels warm and…(Good? Comforted? Safe?)…and wonders when the Hell this happened because she realizes that she quite likes it and it feels so natural when he takes her home that it doesn't strike her for one second as odd or out of place.

Naruto wakes slowly, to a hand gently caressing her back and she can't help but arch into it. She should be thinking about how her companion is fourteen years older than she is, or about how Jiji, Jiraiya, and her father are likely rolling in their graves, or even about how in the world she is going to explain this to Sakura or Tsunade without anyone being punched through a wall…but she isn't. Her partner is quite good at convincing her to think of entirely different matters.

He probably learned it from her godfather's books.

She says as much in mock horror and his kiss morphs into a laugh on her neck. She can't help but laugh too because he has the most beautiful smile and she's never seen it before (and she's thinking about not sharing it with anyone else) and it is then that she realizes, with absolute, concrete, certainty…she's glowing.

Believe it.