A/N: Do I even dare show my face again? I mean almost a year since last! I am so sorry. I tried to write this chapter multiple times these past months but every time I tried it didn't come out the way I wanted it to (I'm not kidding when I say I've rewritten this a dozen times). It just didn't want to come out.
So here's the best I can do. Bring on the mobs and pitchforks!
So sorry! I hope this chapter makes up for the wait just a little bit, enough for you not to completely hate me.

Cursive are flashbacks (it may be a bit messy, sorry for that too lol)

I was listening to 'No Sound but the Wind' by the Editors when finishing this chapter… it gave me feeeels!

Chapter 10

'We can never go home, we no longer have one.
I'll help you carry the load. I'll carry you in my arms.
The kiss of the snow, the crescent moon above us.
Our blood is cold and we're alone, but I'm alone with you.
Help me to carry the fire – we will keep it alight together'

I'd been thinking a lot about what Rumplestiltskin had told us that night in the dungeons. That the curse would take us to a place without magic and that time would be taken from us… that we would be stuck somewhere, unhappy and unable to reach our happy endings. I'm choosing to believe that the curse brought Charming here as well, to this world without magic, along with the rest of my people. The thought of us being worlds apart doesn't quite feel right and I'm one for trusting my gut. But since it's a curse I also believe that it's hidden from sight, that it's designed to not be found. How the hell do we find something designed to keep everyone out?!

"Okay Emma… listen I don't want you, or I for that matter, to get our hopes up too much… I mean you shouldn't lose hope but… what I'm trying to say is that…" I stop to give out a shuddering sigh, this wasn't going too well already and we'd not even left the city yet. Before I can think of anything else to say Emma puts a hand on my hand, calming my nervous gesticulations.

"Mama I know, we're going on a road-trip and just keeping our eyes open and that whatever happens, happens. It's best not to make a huge deal and have fun." Emma says matter of factly like we've talked about many a night prior to this moment, but the grin on her face reveals the excitement and I'm starting to worry if this really was a good idea after all.

I sit back in the seat next to her, letting out a breath of air that I'd been holding, still holding her hand tightly in mine. 'Ah well it's too late to turn back now,' I think as a glance back at her.

"We have each other though, right Emma?" I ask her softly with a wistful smile and Emma smilingly shifts her head from having looked out the window to give me a reassuring nod.

This was how we began our journey along the East Coast. Nervous, excited, hopeful and let's be honest, scared. The first few days went by really well and we actually enjoyed the sightseeing, hiking and exploring everything and anything worth exploring. However, on the fourth day I started to see the change in Emma's demeanour and how she started watching the people around us with what could only be a tinge of desperation. I've been describing her father to her ever since she could remember so I'm fairly certain she'd be able to recognize him without having never even seen a picture of him. I don't have the best drawing skills but I did attempt to draw him from memory as well once and Emma just loved that. It was better than a stick figure but not by much. Emma insisted on putting it up on the wall by her bed.

The last straw for Emma though was the incident that happened on the last night. We'd checked in at the B&B down by the shore and decided to go out for a walk on the beach. Maverick was having the time of his life running around in the sand and Emma was actually laughing for the first time in days, throwing him sticks he could fetch.

Sophie and I were talking and we weren't really looking. The beach went around in a curve and with Emma having run ahead of us she was just about to go around the corner and out of view. And as I was about to tell her to stop there and wait; to stay in sight, she stopped in her tracks on her own. Not only stopped but froze, she was looking at something out of view to us and I picked up the pace so that I could see what it was. Emma then unfroze and ran out of sight. "Emma!" I yelled

She'd seen a man walking his horse… and to Emma's defence he could've easily passed for Charming, he even had a scar on his chin. Blonde hair, tall and muscular but the eyes told another story when he looked at us with concerned confusion. He was kneeling down and in front of him Emma had crumbled into a ball crying.

"I'm sorry I don't know what happened, I just saw her running towards me smiling and then all the sudden she stops saying 'No-no-no-no!'… Are you her mother?"

"Yeah, I am." I tell him walking over to Emma to pick her up off of the wet cold sand. She let me grab her easily and she molds herself to me the instant she got her arms around my neck. "Emma?" I try. The only response I get is ragged hitched breathing. I look back at the man with the horse who asks if Emma is going to be okay and I just stare back at him, his charming but NOT Charming kind grey eyes that are so close but so wrong. I couldn't answer because I didn't know if she would be. I just nodded briefly before turning around and walking back the way we came.

Emma's only words that night were "I thought it was him..", which she repeated a few times before she snuggled into my side in bed, crying herself to sleep.

The guilt I felt was indescribable as I rubbed her back repeatedly telling her I was sorry.

The car door opens and closes behind me the minute we come to a stop behind the cabin and as I look behind me I see Emma's curls bouncing as she runs down the hill towards the lake, Maverick dutifully at her heels. I let out a sigh with a lump in my throat.

"I'm going to unload the trunk," Sophie says gently and puts her hand on my shoulder.

There's really not much else to say, we've had numerous conversations about the outcome of this trip and none of them have been especially reassuring to any of us and that has left us with a heavy silence that's lasted the entire drive to get here.

I get out of the car and follow down the path that Emma went. I knew where I would find her, the same spot I sat with her when she was just a baby looking out on the calm surface of the lake, it's become one of our favourite places to go to when we want to clear our heads… it's just so peaceful.

Emma is sitting on the log with Maverick at her feet when I walk up behind her and I come to a stop, unsure if I should leave her alone after all. With a twinge in my heart it's come to my attention that she's grown more and more independent and more often choses to close herself off from me when she's upset. She might actually be five going on fifty. I smile sadly behind her back. She hasn't even acknowledged my presence… just like her father I realise. He was not one to share his emotions either, wanting to stay strong, for me, which I told him on many occasions that he really didn't have to do and I urged him to open up to me, to not hide any part of himself. With time and some nudges from me he got better at it, I guess I have to try the same with our daughter.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask softly.

She shakes her head slowly back and forth.

I wait a moment before asking my next question, to see if she'd say anything but she doesn't. "Do you want to be alone?" I ask then.

I swallow thickly when I see her shoulders starting to shake and with no sound she shakes her head again, this time more urgently. She starts whimpering and hides her face in her hands and I rush forward, kneeling down on the ground and hug her from behind. I can feel her fighting back sobs and I whisper to her, "It's okay honey. It's okay to let it out… I'm here." With that she twists around in my arms and clamps her arms around me, pressing her tear streaked face into the crook of my neck.

"It'll be okay Emma.

We sat like that for quite a while. Emma hadn't cried for very long but hadn't moved either since she once again clung to me. The sun was setting and there was a damp chill creeping up from the lake making me shiver.

"I'm not going to cry anymore." Emma says with a voice so light that I can barely hear it.

"It's okay to cry Emma, it's not good to keep it in." I tell her reassuringly while bringing my hand up to cup the back of her head.

"But I'm so tired Mama. So so tired." She says after taking a deep breath and she does sound weary. Not just because of the long journey or having just cried, no this was a weariness of the soul and I couldn't do anything about it other than to hold her a little bit tighter.

"We'll just put our worries aside then, won't we? And think of something else for a while. It's our summer break after all and there's no room for sorrows then, only playing, climbing trees and stuffing your face with wild strawberries."

Emma leans out of my embrace and gives me an inquisitive smile. "Wild strawberries?"

"Oh yes!" I say with a new found cheerfulness seeing that childlike spark return to her eyes, oh how I've missed that spark these past days.

"Sophie told me she used to go to this special place where there were hundreds upon hundreds of them growing in a meadow, but it's a bit of a trek there. Would you like to go there?
I don't think they're ready this early in the summer but I hear it's really beautiful there and I believe there'll be some pretty flowers we could pick and bring home with us."

Emma's smile grew, not to the fullest but enough for my heart to feel a tad lighter. She nodded, making her wild curls bounce around her face.

"But for now let's get inside, as per tradition we'll be having ourselves a barbeque in front of the fire and we wouldn't want Sophie to get to the good part without us huh?" I say as I give Emma one last squeeze before I put her down on the ground, taking her hand in mine as I stand up. Maverick bounds up behind us as we make our way up to the cabin where there's a warm glow emanating from the windows and a pillar of smoke rising from the chimney.

Completely spent later that night and with Emma curled up next to me – because she begged me not to tuck her in in her own bed – I absentmindedly weaved my fingers through her hair just letting my mind wander, exhausted but unable to sleep.

"Mama?" Emma's muffled sleepy voice pulls me out of my reverie and I look down to where she's laying. She's not facing me so I can't read the expression on her face when she asks me, "Can you tell me about when Papa said goodbye?"

This is not something I've told her before, she knows that he was there when we went through the wardrobe of course but those memories have always been too much to share in detail. All of those images rush before my eyes and I stay quiet, long enough for Emma to turn her face towards me. Even facing me I can't read her, she just seems… tranquil.

With a quiet whisper I begin with, "he only held you that one time." At that her eyes grew bigger and she scooted even closer.

"He held me?" She asks like it's too good to be true.

I nod, reeling in every emotion that could make me break, and continue.

"There wasn't a lot of time but I put you in his arms while I crawled into the wardrobe, and from there I could see him smiling at you with tears in his eyes. You looked especially small in his arms and I'm sure he marvelled at how tiny you were. He never once looked away from you because I think in that moment his heart grew twice its size…" I pause to take a shaky breath. Emma having placed her head on my shoulder was looking out the window at the stars so she didn't see how a tear escaped and ran down my cheek.

"How do you mean?" She asks. "How could his heart grow?"

"That's how I felt when I first held you too. Surely the heart must grow to be able to make room for all the love I felt. It feels like you're going burst into a million pieces… and I'm sure your father felt the exact same way."

Emma seemed to think this over for a while, I was beginning to think she'd fallen asleep but she had one more question.

"Was I sleeping? Did I look at him too?"

"You were wide awake then honey and you even held his finger in your hand." At this she lifts her left hand to look at it. "This one?"

I couldn't help but laugh a little at that, "Yes darling, that one." She reached over and took my hand and then wrapped her fingers around my thumb. "Thanks for telling me Mama, I think I can sleep better now." The very idea that she'd had trouble falling asleep gave me another twinge of guilt.

"I'm glad sweetheart. Me too."

This chapter wasn't as long as I thought it would be but I thought would end nicely here.

I don't know what's up with me and angsty writing haha sorry not sorry I guess. I'll update again I promise, when I don't know but I feel pretty sure about the next chapter and how it will go down. It won't take months… I hope.

Thanks for reading! and again I apologize for the long wait and please feel free to yell at me in your reviews!