Warnings: Humor, graphic sex, bathroom!sex, Bella!bashing, spoilers (albeit twisted) for Breaking Dawn 2

"Mr. Black, we have a commercial break of five minutes before the interview starts," Louis Johnson, the anchorman, said.

Jacob nodded slowly, fingering the sleeve of his leather jacket. He took a deep breath and wondered at the things he did for Bella.

"You coddle her, wolf." The sound of his boyfriend's tinny voice coming out of the headphone startled Jake, who said loudly, "What the hell!"

"Something the matter, Jacob?" said the anchorman.

"Keep quiet, pup, just think at me!" came Edward's voice which, Jacob noted with irritation, sounded unusually sly.

"Nothing, Louis," said Jacob and then he glared at the control room. 'What did you do with the nice lady who was coaching me?'

"She… went to get refreshments." Edward waited on tenterhooks for Jacob's reaction. He had charmed the skirt off the woman so he could talk to Jacob. He didn't like at all the lustful thoughts of the anchor, the cameraman, and the audience, directed at his oblivious wolf.

'That's odd. And why did you kiss me in front of those people?'

"It was to distract any Volturi that might be watching us." Edward lied through his teeth very easily. Jacob had just sat there looking so kissable, the sexy wolf, Edward just had to act; besides, it would show the annoying audience who Jake belonged to.

"Oh, I didn't know they watch TV," said Jacob in a small voice.

"We certainly hope the audience watches TV, Jacob! By the way, you seem unwell," the anchorman said in an unctuous voice. He grabbed a can of cola and pushed it towards Jacob. "Drink, it'll help with your nerves."

"Thanks."

Sitting in front of a row of computers, Edward glared at the anchorman's image on the monitor.

"Don't speak, Jake," he said sternly.

Jacob sipped the cola, glancing at the studio audience. 'Hope this helps Bella. Who would've thought her powers would turn out to be so deadly?'

"I should have realized it from the start," said Edward.

'Actually, I thought her power made it so the world fit her every need.' Jacob thought, nursing his drink. 'After all, she got us fighting over her.'

"Wolf, this should have clued us in to the exact nature of her powers. She had us, but we only have eyes for each other. What kind of power is that?"

'When the pixie turned Bella, I expected her to grow strong enough to manhandle me,' Jake thought worriedly.

Edward snorted. "The real reason Alice turned her is because she kept having all these visions of Bella dying. For example, Alice refuses to let Bella go to the beach."

'Why?'

"She had a vision of a great white shark attacking Bella," Edward said in a smug voice. "Later, Alice saw the Wendigo pounce on Bella and in another one, Bella became a zombie."

Jacob snorted. 'Bet she ate our brains!'

"No, Jacob, we ran over Bella using her old pickup truck."

'Talk about poetic justice.' Jacob faked a cough to cover up his gleeful laughter. Then he heaved a deep sigh and took a sip from his cola. 'Gotta admit that when I came back to your wedding, I still wanted to save Bella from becoming a vampire.'

"That might have helped her. When she became a vampire, her power manifested fully and the world turned against her," Edward said. "But I couldn't keep Alice from turning her because I went looking for you."

'Well, well,' thought Jacob smugly. 'The truth about why you didn't wed her comes out at last.'

"Don't pretend, Jacob. I told you after I hastened to save you from the avalanche!"

'Didn't hear it in between Bella's cries. She had jumped from the cliff to test her newborn powers but the mountain caved in.'

"Don't forget that huge rock that almost got you," said Edward, worry tingeing his voice.

'It wasn't that big.' Jacob shrugged.

"It looked huge." Edward shivered at the thought of the rock hitting Jake. He had been so worried about the wolf that he didn't stop to help Bella, who had been smacked left and right by the huge boulders falling down on her.

'Yep, the universe got it in for poor Bells.' Jacob sipped his cola. 'The purpose of her mental shield was to keep you from reading her mind and going to save her; that turned out to be her awesome power.'

"Not so awesome, pup," chided Edward. "Remember when she saved the deer and fought that mountain lion to feed off it?"

'Yep, ungrateful Bambi kicked her where the sun don't shine.' Jake chuckled darkly at the colorful curses Bella came up with.

"It wasn't only the deer," said Edward.

Jacob nodded sagely. 'The mountain lion turned out to be a werecougar; let's say she was really pissed off when Bella interrupted her meal and went to town on Bella.'

"Poor Bella," said Edward, his fingers touching the image of his handsome boyfriend on the monitor.

'Poor Bells.' Jacob agreed, picturing Edward nude in the Jacuzzi, his slim cock peeking from between the soapsuds.

"My cock is not slim, Jacob," growled Edward. "You didn't see it that well because of the lightning."

'Oh, sorry.'

"After we save Bella yet again, I'll prove to you how thick I am."

'You are thick, Ed. You don't have to prove it.'

"What do you mean, exactly?" growled Edward.

Before Jake could reply, the interview began.

"Here we have Jacob Black," said the anchorman, glancing at the audience. "And in this exclusive footage you'll see him walking behind this weedy-looking woman, who at this point seems to sparkle so much …"

"Told you, wolf," said Edward smugly. "Even the anchorman dislikes poor Bella."

"… would you look at the screen, Mr. Black?" The man grumpily pointed at the small monitor below the table.

"Sure, sure." Jacob rolled his eyes at Edward's sarcastic remark, his lips pursed cutely while he nodded patiently. He paused to consider how to explain the unusual sight of newborn Bella sparkling and then he glanced down at the monitor, nodding again at the sight of his erstwhile crush.

The screen showed Bella's face which sparkled brightly when a stray sunbeam hit her precisely at the moment the camera was trained on her. The odds of such an occurrence happening were astronomical, but Bella's power easily twisted reality – against her.

"It was the satellite," Jacob said in a raspy voice that sent a thrill to Edward's groin.

"The satellite?" The anchorman raised his eyebrows.

"Yep, that sparkle you mention?" Jake grinned boyishly at the man, who was mesmerized by the sight. "It's the light of a new solar power satellite that struck Bell… I mean, the woman walking in front of me. That's the reason she seems to sparkle. Could happen to anyone, really, I don't see why you're making such a fuss about it!"

"Oh, I see." The anchorman bit his lip. "So, there's a completely logical reason after all!"

oOoOo

"So we save Bella yet again," mumbled Jacob, walking along the spotlessly clean corridor of the TV station in Port Angeles. "Nothing's changed at all."

Edward stalked behind his lover, staring at the slim, leather-clad figure in front of him. Jacob's leather jacket gleamed in the fluorescent light, outlining his broad shoulders that tapered to a slim waist. Jake's strong legs, encased in tight leather, moved purposefully as he strolled in the corridor, his hips swaying in a rhythm that enticed the vampire.

Jacob innocently grabbed his crotch, eliciting a moan from Edward. "All that cola the guy gave me, I need to…"

He squinted at the door of the bathroom and opened it, just before Edward pounced on him.

"What the hell!" Jacob growled before the vampire's cold tongue plunged deep inside his mouth. Edward pushed him against the opened door which swung shut with a squeak. The cold hand cupping his groin made Jacob's arousal twitch.

"Lemme do my business first!"

"Fine, wolf" said Edward, squeezing the clothed prick tightly before gently pushing Jacob towards the urinal.

Jake lowered his zipper and grabbed his engorged shaft, awkwardly freeing it before pointing it at the bowl. It was hard to pee, though, after Edward's groping caused him to sport a rampant erection.

Jacob closed his eyes, picturing Bella's pointy face and her body, devoid of curves. The imagery made him deflate rapidly and he quickly did his business.

"Neat trick, wolf," Edward said admiringly.

Jacob said nothing as he stomped towards the door, breathing harshly while he fumbled with the lock until it closed with a hard click. Then he turned and stared hungrily at Edward, shrugging off his jacket which fell to the white linoleum floor with a thud.

Edward licked his lips and shivered at the erotic thoughts which filled his lover's mind. Jacob winked lewdly at him as his fingers grabbed the hem of his t-shirt. He slipped it off his body with ease, and then he wiped the pearls of sweat off his toned chest with the rumpled fabric before he let it slip to the floor. Edward's tongue peeked out from between his lips at the sight of the planes and creases of the russet abs which led his gaze down to the half-hard cock, the meat lighter than the brown leather of the pants.

Jacob smirked at the hungry expression of his vampire and walked up to Edward. Leaning forward, he pushed him against the porcelain sink and his nostrils flared, inhaling Edward's scent which overpowered the disinfectant of the bathroom.

Edward raised his eyebrows at this thought and Jake shrugged nonchalantly. 'Doesn't really matter, your presence is enough.'

He nipped Edward's skin just above the hollow of his collarbone and whispered harshly, "But you don't fool me, Cullen."

He cupped the vampire's chin and then stepped back, manhandling Edward until he faced the mirror above the sink. Jacob smiled wickedly at Edward's reflection, whispering against his ear, "I know you kissed me in public to stake your claim, and later I saw how flustered the woman was when she left the control room."

Jacob nibbled the skin on Edward's sharply cut cheekbone, his hand snaking beneath his silk shirt to tweak the cold nub. He grabbed the soft fabric to yank the shirt off his shoulder, ripping off the buttons which fell to the floor with a tinkling sound.

"You didn't say anything, Jake." Edward laid his hand on the flanks that held him prisoner, treasuring the warmth of Jacob's body contrasting with the cold porcelain trapping his body – knowing he was the only one who elicited such passion from the wolf.

"Made me so jealous, but I stayed put because I had to convince people there was nothing unusual," Jacob said harshly, his broad chest heaving. "Not for Bella, but so the Volturi wouldn't come here to threaten you, because you're mine."

"Is that so?" Edward said, his backside wriggling against Jake's thighs as he looked at Jake's reflection, his eyes gleaming darkly.

"Never doubt it. And now, it's your turn to be claimed."

He pushed the nape of Edward's neck so the vampire had to lean forward, his bare chest pressing against the cold metal of the faucet which felt so different from Jake's piping hot body.

"Want you to see your face as you squirm on my cock."

"But the odor." Edward bit his lip nervously.

"Doesn't matter." Jacob grunted, palming his cock which he hadn't bothered to tuck inside his pants. "You drive everything from my mind."

Edward's fingers fumbled with the buttons of his pants before lowering his zipper.

Jake fished the small bottle of lube from the pocket of Edward's pants before hooking his thumbs around the loops of his belt, his fingers holding the elastic of Edward's boxers as he lowered the pants and boxers until they pooled around the vampire's ankles.

He stepped towards Edward's prone body until his prick was nestled between Edward's buttocks, nudging open the vampire's legs with his knees.

Edward moaned at the warm leather rubbing against his inner thighs. He glanced up and saw Jacob's reflection on the mirror, upending the bottle, and then fingers gleaming with lube in the harsh bathroom light. A moment later, the digits speared Edward, stabbing his walls as the vampire arched his ass, rubbing down against the knuckles.

"So needy, Edward!"

"Come on, fuck!"

"As you will." Jake grunted and prodded Edward's slick entrance with his blunt cockhead, rubbing around the sensitive rim until Edward pleaded, "Fuck me!"

Jake looped his arm around Edward's torso, leaning forward until his chest warmed Edward's back. He licked the vampire's ear, his hand patting Edward's buttocks on his way to his prick. He grasped it and held the wet shaft steady as his hips jerked forward, the cockhead finally breaching Edward's hole.

Staring at their joint reflections in the mirror, Jake panted. "Don't forget you're mine!"

Edward whimpered as the thick cock impaled him in one swift motion.

Jacob rolled his hips, his hand rubbing Edward's cool abs while his prick slid snugly into his cold body. Edward wiggled his backside and stood on tiptoe, leaning back against Jacob's chest.

Jake withdrew his arousal tantalizingly slow until the flange of his cockhead held open the stuffed entrance, which twitched greedily around him. With a feral grunt, Jake bucked his hips and pushed Edward so hard against the sink, the ceramic groaned and cracked, unbeknownst to the two lovers.

"Harder, Jacob!" Edward's body in the mirror blurred as he sought to impale himself while his fingers gripped tightly the edge of the sink; it started developing cracks zigzagging towards the faucet.

The vampire moaned as he pushed his hips against the body mounting him. Edward sheathed the hot flesh invading him until he was so stuffed with Jacob he swore he could feel the warmth reaching up to his throat. Edward glanced fleetingly at Jacob's sweaty face, caught up in the sensation of the soft leather against his ass. The squishing sounds it made as it rubbed his buttocks drove him crazy. They didn't hear the pieces of crumbling ceramic falling to the floor.

"Come on, pup, harder!"

Jacob rode his vampire with ease. He alternated between short, stabbing motions and long, slow strokes. He didn't care when the sink finally broke up and a portion fell to the floor with a crashing sound.

Jacob's hand gripped Edward's cock, slick with precome. It took only a few tugs on the cold shaft and the vampire came with a hoarse shout, his seed falling on the broken porcelain as Jake jerked his hips, once, twice, before the spasming flesh around him coaxed his orgasm out of him.

Jake's chest heaved as he took big gulps of air, withdrawing his softening cock from the swollen entrance. He leaned forward, his chest leaving wet spots on the back of Edward's shirt as he grappled with the tissue dispenser. Then he stepped back and began to clean the vampire's backside. He smirked at the sight of the come dripping down Edward's pale thighs and began to wipe the thick liquid, not before rubbing teasingly the used rim.

oOoOo

Edward pushed the pedal, glancing sideways at Jake, whose fingers were drumming on the dashboard.

"Great sex, wolf!"

"I got carried away," Jake said slowly.

"I wished it would happen more often." Edward smiled at the contrast between this insecure boy and the man who had fucked him so forcefully in the bathroom. He made the mental note to tell Alice to send them a check to cover up the expense of the broken sink.

"I was jealous of that woman," said Jake. "But we needed to convince the public it was nothing."

"I know," Edward said, basking in the afterglow of their rough lovemaking.

"I worry about you. Want the Volturi to leave you alone."

"I know the feeling, Jacob. Watching the avalanche caused by Bella and that rock falling down towards you was awful. Why didn't you move aside?"

"Was looking up the mountain." Jake shrugged and leaned his head on Edward's shoulder. "Searching for you."

"I was safe, Jacob," Edward said softly. "Something like that couldn't hurt me."

"Didn't know that. I thought I'd never see you again."

"You won't get rid of me."

"I know." Jake tilted up his chin and licked Edward's neck. "Love you and this thing between us."