Afterimage

The first thing, before he even registers that someone is calling his name, is the heat. It's burning and hurting; it's obtrusive and feels like something sleek and dry clinging to his skin; it's everywhere: in his throat and on his back and making his half-covered head ache dully, making his skin feel stretched and too small on his bony frame. He notices the grains, then, under the surfaces his body, scratching and hard, and it takes him a moment to remember that it is sand.

Sand, sand, sand everywhere. The sun. Desert. Afghanistan. The cave – Yinsen –

'Tony?' he finally fishes out of the sudden noise all around, a strange loud rumble mixed with dozens of voices talking at once, talking in English and not Farsi, yes please, he'll gladly welcome a nice American accent.

'Tony? You with me? Tony?' the voice persists, and he starts to connect it, his brain slowly starts working, he's heard this voice before, many times before –

'Rhodey?' he rasps, trying to figure out what happened, how did Rhodey find him? hasn't he been wandering around the dunes for so long that it felt like days, like weeks, like a lifetime?

His throat is dry and coughs roughly, trying to find enough saliva to spit the sand out –

'Tony, man, I thought we've lost you – don't think too much, I've got you. You are okay, I've got you…' Rhodey's voice trailed off and suddenly there were hands all around Tony's oversensitive skin, making it burn even more, but he was in too much pain to care anymore.

When he wakes up again there is no sun, the heat is a bit less and there is buzzing silence in his ears. The new place smells like antiseptic and soap. Medical shit, then, Tony decides. There is something on his face, some light cloth, an iv in his hand, a cast on the other, and a few bandages over stinging burns and scrapes, he can feel them just like he could feel the sand. Then then there is – a hand? A hand in his, and it moves when he flinches a little.

'It's just me, Tony' Rhodey tells him, the voice deep and low from his throat filled with tears – Tony can say, he's known the man for long enough to read between lines.

'How…' Tony starts, but Rhodey cuts in.

'Three months. Three months, man, it's a miracle they let me look for you that long, everyone just deemed you dead, well, anyone but Pepper and me, apparently…'

'Pepper…' Tony manages to say; his whole chest hurts when he exhales quickly. The hand squeezes his reassuringly and he wants to add sharply I don't need a babysitter but he is kind of unable to make the any noise.

'She's all right. I called her when you were out; she burst into tears. You know how she is… Just don't think too much, Tony, relax and rest and – yeah. Take your time, you were half dead when we found you.'

Tony doesn't say anything; he doesn't even nod, he focuses on thoughts running messily in his head and he's trying hard not to move and make everything hurt more (his skin, he can feel i off, blisters covered with something cold and sleek, on his nape and back and arms –) He lets Rhodey hold his hand, the heat of the man's body burning his oversensitive skin but it's easy enough to ignore, and it makes him sure he is back. Back somewhere.

The next time Tony wakes it feels like night: there is a slight fresh breeze coming in from an apparently open window, and he can hear cicadas singing out somewhere, together with underground buzz of electricity he is so familiar with. Fuck it, he thinks, I remember the mess my face was after all the explosions, but I'd like this thing off me, please, I've been blindfolded and with a bag over my head for long enough recently and a change would be nice. Tony is much more aware of the surroundings than the pervious time; the pain is dulled, he has no idea if it's because he's healing or because they've been pumping more painkillers into him, but it was a nice change. All the bandages and dressings are in place, though the colonel's hand isn't there.

'Rhodey?' Tony calls out, hearing his rough but noticeably stronger voice echoing in the room. 'Anyone here?'

A few moments later someone approaches the room and stops briefly before opening the door. Tony recognized the pattern of steps, of course he does.

'Tony, man, how are you feeling? Are you in pain?'

'I'll manage' he says.

'Do you want me to call a doctor?' Rhodey asks and Tony feels a sudden rush of panic, making his heart skip a beat, sweat breaking out on his temples. It was still much too warm. Still Afghanistan, Tony makes a mental note, What are they doing to me here? Are they going to keep me like an exhibit and stare at the thing?

'No doctors, Rhodey, just… no' he says in the end. 'Has anyone – seen?'

'The thing in your chest? Yes, the doctors did. When they were trying to keep you alive. But no one has an idea of what it is, and I didn't let anyone look for too long. Figured you wouldn't want that.'

'Thanks.'

'You owe me for that. The doctors are unbelievably noisy, they fussed over that for much too long –'

'Was I asleep long?' he wonders.

'About ten hours. Longer than altogether during the last week, you know, before…'

'Yeah' Tony agrees, even though he can only vaguely remember that time. It seems like a story from a different lifetime; he remembers Pepper and Stark Industries and his house in Malibu, JARVIS and Dummy and all the robots, he even fancies he can feel the hot taste of his favourite vintage whiskey on the palate, but it seems foggy and distant and unreal, since he's done his best at avoiding to reminisce in the cave. Go day by day, that worked perfectly. He couldn't have hoped for more. JARVIS, buddy, you can't even imagine how I wished I had your help – well, of course you can't imagine, you are an A.I., or maybe you have developed more of that charming personality of yours when I was gone and now you could –

Rhodey says something, cutting his thoughts, and they exchange a few easy sentences, not touching any kind of delicate subject; Rhodey doesn't seem to be avoiding them, exactly, but he doesn't ask questions, and Tony doesn't feel like offering answers. Not yet or not ever, well, I'm not a baby to need reassurance he tells himself firmly.

(Only that it turns out that he is.)

In the morning – Tony guesses it's morning, there is a general rush all around, muffled voices, shouted commands; it is much hotter, too – Rhodey comes to inform Tony that he is going to let a doctor in to check up on him and change his bandages if he ever wants to leave the place for a base in Germany and then the USA; apparently Pepper has plans and everything is under control. Tony doesn't have other choice but to agree, and a moment later someone comes in and a deep voice says:

'Good morning, Mr. Stark. Thank you for letting me in without a fuss –'

'I was told I can't get away from here without getting a green light from you, so here you are. Be quick. I've got places to be' Tony cuts in, trying to make his words sound as casual and offhanded as possible, but it's difficult with his dry sore throat.

'Of course' the doctor murmurs and moves closer, starting to unwrap dressings, peel off band-aids and clean all the cuts and scrapes; Tony is then asked to lay on his side so the doctor could see his back and the sunburns that are apparently healing nice enough.

'It should heal within a week, with some dead skin peeling off later, but it won't be hurting if you take a proper care of yourself' the doctor instructs, though Tony is wondering more if it would scar because well, he doesn't want big ugly scars all over his back, what would the girls say? 'Just your face now, you had some glass particles embedded in the skin, some bleeding cuts that made you look pretty scary…' he hears the doctor continuing his ramble and turns off, focusing on pros and cons of trying to run away from the medical, how he hates medicals!, and make Rhodey take him home immediately, Malibu, yes, it would work perfectly, he would bury himself in the workshop with JARVIS and the rest of his babies, building an armor with proper tools and some good music.

The doctor takes off whatever dressing he had set on his face; his eyelids seem glued together with some salve but he blinks them open and then there is only blackness staring back at him. He stiffens momentarily and closes his eyes and opens them again, seeing nothing, he blinks a few times and starts to breathe faster, faster, feeling his weakened body starting to shiver uncontrollably and a strange tingling spread over his limbs and climbing up to his chest; 'No no no no no, no fucking way what is this supposed to mean why can't I see, what the fuck –'

'Mister Stark, calm down! What is it? Mister Stark!' the doctor shouts at him and Tony feels Rhodey's hands on his shoulder, pinning him to the bed; Tony knows it should hurt his burnt skin but he can't feel anything at all –

'Tony? Talk to me! What is wrong?' Rhodey orders him in a sharp voice, shouting commands close to Tony's ears.

'I can't see' Tony murmurs, trying to believe that he's just said that aloud. Rhodey's hands tighten the grip even more and the man leans over him.

'What? What do you mean, Tony? If you're making fun of me again I swear I will –'

Tony cuts in his speech laughing. Well, he may be crying and laughing at the same time because the situation seems so absurd that he can't really grasp it; it is like waking up from one bad dream into another, well, not his kind of fun.

He is quite sure both men must look at him incredulously because that would make sense, sane people would surely look at him in disbelief –

'I can't. Fucking. See' he repeats, trying to control his breathing; a breath – wait three second – a breath – wait three seconds, rinse, repeat, so on so on.

'What do you mean, Mister Stark?' the doctor asks, genuinely surprised, so Tony decides not to try to destroy the man with his sheer force of mind. He doesn't have a faintest idea of what to do.

There is a hectic series of tests and procedures, all on his eyes – Tony doesn't let them look at the arc reactor more than absolutely necessary – with people coming and going, talking in hushed voices and asking him questions (no, he still could see before he passed out, he doesn't remember an special damage to his eyes, yes he was hit on the head, la la la, the song goes on); Tony listens to them en passant, trying his best not to freak out. He doesn't admit it to Rhodey, but it's good to have the man close by all the time; he doesn't admit it to himself, but he is being suc now. A well-acting baby. Though he remembers as much as to absolutely forbid Rhodey to inform Pepper before they know something more.

In the evening Tony is en route to Germany because there isn't even a MRI machine in the Middle East base and CT doesn't show anything definitive. He doesn't say goodbye to the doctors; he would wave them off if he could lift his arm without having dead skin peeling off. On the plane, he listens to the constant reassuring noises and doesn't say anything, and neither does Rhodey. Tony assumes the man, despite having knowing him for years and years, suddenly doesn't know how to approach him, since he is notorious for hating consolations and pity. Also, there is a mask placed over his mouth, since the doctors insisted he have enough oxygen (reduced lung capacity plus lower oxygen levels on planes do no mix well.)

So there is silence in between all the rumble and Tony thinks.

There is, of course, a chance that it's just temporary, maybe sun blindness, the doctors said. He wants to believe, but there is a voice at the back of his head telling him that hey, he's come out alive of the cave, which he's never really expected to, so since he is living on a borrowed time he doesn't really have the right to lament. Well.

When he lets himself consider that it might be permanent, a black hole literally stretches in front of him, sucking in everything he's ever – everything. Just everything. It makes the his breathing weird, welcome ponopnea, tachypnea; he knows all the medical terms because he is a genius, thank you, almost eidetic memory.

He thinks about Pepper, wondering what she might have been doing all that time, how has she been – Rhodey told him bits and pieces, but he was more in the Middle East than in America and all he knew was telephone conferences. He doesn't think about Obi too much, or Stark Industries or any of the girls he's slept with within past few months; honestly, it's hard to remember what a female body looks like, what it feels like (besides Pepper, of course, he has even counted all her freckles in his mind at some point; her disappointed looks and annoyed shrugs cannot be easily forgotten.) He can't really imagine being with someone at the moment… argh, how would he ever have sex again with people not staring at his chest? That was going to be an issue.

Sleep claims him at some point when Tony is half-aware is the stream of things coming through his mind. When Rhodey wakes him up, they are beginning the descent for landing.

'We are going you transport you straight to the medical' Rhodey tells him, his voice is muffled to Tony because of the stupid air pressure issues, all of his private jets are made the way to compensate that, he tries to swallow since the air is more likely to flow up the Eustachian tube if you do that, but his throat is too dry and sore. At least he knows it's going to be over soon.

Just before they leave the plane, Rhodey covers him with a other blanket, probably to block out the reactor light, and Tony is grateful, though it makes him think What the fuck am I wearing? Please, please tell me it's not one of those sickeningly green shapeless sacks. When they land, Tony is rushed straight into the medical and into a spiral of scans and all kinds of examinations. He tries not to snap at the doctors hoping that would give him answers sooner, although he can't help himself a few times, because well, they are so dumb at times, and annoying. He doesn't like annoying. At least they are American, he really wouldn't stand people talking in language he doesn't know.

It lasts three days, all kind of tests of utmost confidentiality and not telling Pepper anything.

'I will personally murder them if any of this information is revealed to public without my consent' Tony warns Rhodey at some point.

'Of course it won't. Have some faith in soldiers' the man replies and Tony chuckles.

'After knowing you for so long? Never.'

'Bastard' Rhodey says, but his tone is patronizing and Tony kind of hates that but he knows he'd better get used to it.

In the end Tony gets closed in his (?) room with Rhodey and a bunch of doctors. He hears the shuffle of chairs being moved and too many footsteps at once to count; it's something he wishes he knew, but well. Comes with time, if anything. When they are all seated there is a brief moment of silence and Tony thinks, Wow, awkward, though he can only imagine their faces and schoolchild-like playing with their hands.

After a moment one of them clears his throat with a deep chuckle and the others seem to suddenly be able to breathe.

'Oookay' Tony starts, feeling Rhodey's hand climb onto his bed and squeeze his shoulder reassuringly. 'Okay, so it's like you've already said the hot news by not saying anything, so if you could hurry and say the rest it would be totally nice, 'cause I'd really rather be at home than half across the world.' His words meet more silence though; he sighs, annoyed. 'So?' Come on, babies, just tell me stuff, I have an engineering magic to fix my eyes waiting to be done –

'The damage is to your brain, sir, the posterior occipital lobe…' one of the doctors begins.

– or not.

'… damage of unknown source, probably after a head injury and post-concussion, there are traces of changes, one could call it scarring, in the area; it seems strange to have been so minor or have healed so quickly…'

Tony listens to the man, and then another and another as they recite their parts perfectly, in professionally remorseful voices; he finds himself much calmer and in control that he would have expected. One could say it was a sign of shock but hey, Tony Stark doesn't do shock; he's just kind of presumed an answer that would involve a word permanent (even though he doesn't expect not being able to rectify the problem with science magic; not that he won't try.)

When the doctors finally leave him and Rhodey alone in the room, the colonel stands up and starts pacing; Tony is glad there is only a pair of feet to follow. That's going to bring multitasking to a new level, he thinks, learning to be aware of all these things at once.

'What do you think you are going to do now? They said you can travel back to the USA in three days and –'

'Can we not talk about this right now?' he cuts in.

'How do you want to do it, then, without talking?' Rhodey asks irritated.

'Not now. Not a good time. See? I'm hurting here. You shouldn't kick the weaker. That's me, right now, if you didn't know…'

'You're and asshole' Rhodey states. 'You know that I just want to help you.'

'No, no help here, thank you –'

'Could you be serious for once?!' Rhodey bursts out and Tony cringes inwardly. Well, he is the asshole, so he's not sure what to do. Acting reasonable isn't exactly in his everyday repertoire, plus, it's so much easier to slip back into old patterns. It's… familiar.

He stays silent for a moment.

'You don't have to act like this situation doesn't affect you, even you are not inhuman enough to pull that off' Rhodey says, his voice thick, and Tony thinks Hey, just please don't cry, grown up men don't cry, I don't know how to deal with that; he feels like he could panic because of Rhodey's behavior, but he's far too tired for that.

'… I have to tell Pepper, now' he admits in the end, knowing that he owes that much honesty to the colonel. 'You know how Pepper is. She will swear to kill me ten times for not telling her sooner, before breaking into tears and freaking me out.'

Rhodey chuckles and comes to sit down on the edge of Tony's bed.

'I know. I know, Tony… It's hard' the man sighs and pats his shoulder reassuringly. 'Want to try that now and be done?'

'No time like the present, I guess' Tony replies. I have no fucking idea how to do this, why do I have to do this? I don't know what to do if she starts crying, and she will start crying, what the hell did I put myself into – his thoughts run, making him half dizzy, as Rhodey takes out his phone and dials the number; of course she picks up after one signal.

'Pepper? Hello, yes, it's me. I'm calling because I can finally get you Tony on the line… yes, he is ready to talk with you now… he will tell you everything…' he heard Rhodey saying, and when the man says 'okay, I'll give him the phone' he really, really wants to shake his head and run, Not now not now please I'm not ready yet –

'Tony?' Peppers soft voice pours into his ear and he relaxes just a tiny bit, exhaling. '… Tony? Are you there?'

'… Pepper' he states in the end, embarrassed at how weak his voice sounds.

'Tony? Are you okay? Rhodey wouldn't tell me anything, said he wasn't allowed to. You are going to get scolded for telling him that, you won't fool me saying it wasn't you… Tony? What's happened? You sound tired. You have been resting, haven't you?' she babbled on, making him smile slightly. 'It's good to know you are alive' she added in a much softer voice.

'Yeah, I am kind of glad about that, too. I never thought I would say that but it's refreshing to hear you scolding me already, Miss Potts, how long has it been again?'

'Three months, and don't pretend you don't know' she replies and he can just see her rolling her eyes.

'Yeah, right, that long, who knew, I haven't seen your face or your gorgeous legs for three months –' Tony trails off as Rhodey punches him in the shoulder slightly and Tony frowns, not having noticed that the man moved, fuck it, so he waves as the colonel to leave the room and only when the doors click and there is no one but him breathing (short, shallow breaths, the joys of a hole in your chest).

'Tony? Are you even listening to me?' Pepper asks, louder, and he can't bring himself to reply.

'… What's wrong, Tony? Now would be good time to tell me, because I can't recall the last time you've gone silent on me for so long and I'm beginning to really worry –'

'I can't see' he cuts in, mumbling the words as fast as he can, and he's quite sure no one could understand his words, but this is Pepper.

'What?' she asks, slowly, in a flat voice, and Tony can see her freezing, blinking numbly, staring into space. He doesn't, he really doesn't want to repeat that. Ever. (And it's just the first time.)

'Can't see' he says again, though, wishing that his voice would sound angry, angry like he felt, and not just so dead.

There is a moment of stunned silence, before Pepper comes to herself.

'… ohmygod Tony, what do you mean you can't see? What happened? How?...'

So he tells her – not everything, he's not sure he'll be able to talk about anything, some time would be nice first to try to sort it out in his own head – knowing that she's one of the few people he can trust completely. He tells her vague words about the captivity and she listens, sobbing into the speaker; he cuts it as short as he can before moving on to when he was rescued and what happened within the almost five days.

'What can I do for you now, Tony?' she asks in the end, when she's calmed a bit, breathing almost normally, though he was painfully aware of how scared she sounded.

'I will come back in three days, two if I can persuade Rhodey to fly me away from the horde of doctors. I don' want to… I'd like to come back looking like myself. Though Rhodey should be responsible for the looking part…' Pepper makes a sound that he can't tell is a sob or a nervous chuckle, so okay, bad jokes are off limits for now. 'Can you send me one of my suits over here? The most express shipping you can find?'

'Black one or grey or navy blue?' she asks, slipping back into bossy mode unconsciously and Tony lets himself breathe freely; maybe maybe maybe she will be okay.

'It really doesn't matter – okay, the dark grey one.'

'How much weight did you lose?' Pepper asks suddenly, her voice wet, and Tony frowns, thought it was lost on the phone.

'Huh?'

'I will have it altered a bit for you, if you want to look presentable – today, it's still 5 a.m. here – okay?'

I am so lucky to have you, Tony thinks, my life would be an incredible mess without you.

'I don't know, about fifteen pounds?' Pepper gasps, but Tony ignores it. 'And could you… could send me my D&G sunglasses, the black pair, you know?...' Let's be all style, here, if you have no fucking idea about anything else.

'Of course' she replies, breaking into sobs again and Tony bites his lip to blood waiting for her to calm down. 'I will, Tony. Of course. Anything else?'

'No, I think that will be all.'

'Take care of yourself' she orders and he thanks her and says goodbye, cutting off the connection before she could start crying again, because he isn't sure he would be able to stop himself from doing something embarrassing.

Rhodey comes back and takes the phone, tactfully not asking how did it go, and leaves Tony alone in the room. A doctor comes soon, giving him a dose of painkillers and probably slipping in some slight dormitive as he gives in to sleep with too much ease.

The colonel is, as soon as Tony wakes up, persuaded to take him home a bit earlier than the doctors would like. It's half sympathy, and half someone saying that Tony is healing nicely and there aren't any strong contraindications against him leaving, as long as he promises to rest – which he does; it gains him a disbelieving look from Rhodey, but in the end they are in the air on an Air Force plane a few hours after Tony gets the package.

First, Rhodey helps him clean himself up and dress into the suit, careful around the after-burn strained skin and his hurt arm, and the arc reactor that is surrounded by still tender scarring; and shaves his face skillfully. Then Tony gets to say an actual goodbye to the bunch of doctors, grumbling under their breaths, and waves at them dismissively (he hopes) as Rhodey pushes the wheelchair into the aircraft.

'The army will want to debrief you' Rhodey tells him at some point, when they are flying over the Atlantic Ocean.

'I don't want any debriefs' he counters, in half-laying position on a comfortable seat.

'They will insist.'

'Fuck them' Tony says, done with the matter. I really don't give a fuck now, and I have a right not to, okay? I need time. Time and JARVIS, time and JRAVIS, JARVIS and time. Thank heavens I'm a genius and I will figure everything out sooner than later, he thinks, knowing that it might be as well deceiving himself, but why shouldn't he be allowed some fool's hope?

Tony dozes off, genuinely surprised at the amount of sleep he is able to get these days; he suspects Rhodey is observing him all the time but he wouldn't know; the constant noise makes it impossible to tell anyone's positions by breathing or steps or other mundane details. As the aircrafts starts to descend, he can feel a lump forming in his throat and it's discontenting, it's not something Tony Stark ever experiences. He is anxious and he hates it, but hating doesn't help much; he asks Rhodey for some water and drinks it quickly, continuing to turn the cool glass round in his hands.

When they lands and then finally the plane stops, he hands the glass to Rhodey and adjusts his now-probably-slightly-wrinkled suit and puts on a blank face. Rhodey wants to help him to the wheelchair, but Tony fiercely refuses, despite the man's rational argument that he hasn't even walked during the last week. No fucking way I'm going to make Pepper, and everyone else – especially everyone else – see me like that, he thinks, though he suddenly feels a wave of nausea when Rhodey helps him to his feet, one arm around his back and the other supporting his good limb; he's not sure it's because of changing from horizontal to vertical or because he's so fucking scared (way, way past just anxious) that he will trip. And fall.

Rhodey keeps him close, though, and leads carefully, whispering commands and information into his ears (watch out, legs up, three steps and then right –) as the plane's exit opens. Tony feels the fresh land air fills his lungs and fancies that is has this special, special scent.