Author's Note: Because fuck you, that's why.

Chapter 2 - S.S.D.D (Google it, Motherfucker)

Naruto slept in his bed peacefully. The morning sun shined down on him through the blinds, and birds chirped outside his window. Naruto had few people he could count on, but at least they kept him company.

Oh, and the fucking pedo that was sitting right beside his bed. He was there too.

The man watched Naruto curiously. Such a little boy, but with such a great potential…he wondered how much the world would change in the coming months. Needless to say, the entire world would remember Naruto Uzumaki's name, one way or another.

Naruto suddenly sat up, staring at the man with wide eyes. "Excuse me, but are you monologue-ing right now? Like, you're sitting next to my bed and fucking saying everything out loud? Are you serious right now?"

The man cursed himself for his foolishness, tripping over the chair he was sitting in as he scrambled to his feet. Naruto watched him with only a little curiosity, scratching at his ass.

"Uhh….yes!" the man said, making a flourish with his cloak. "I have been watching you for quite some time, Naruto Uzumaki! I come here today to—"

"Didn't we already go through with this? Like, last chapter and everything?" Naruto asked, getting up to make himself some breakfast. "Yadda yadda ultimate power bullshit? I think that needs to wait a few more chapters, since just taking longer to get to something apparently means the same as building tension."

"Oh, yeah," the man shot towards the window, before tripping on an empty ramen container. Arms flailing, he flew outside, and smashed into the telephone pole nearby, before sliding down to the street. It had caused quite a commotion, and several people stopped what they were doing to look.

"Hey, isn't that the Fourth Hokage?" one asked.

"Nah, I think that's Danzō."

"You're both idiots. That's clearly Orochimaru."

"Stop guessing who I am!" the man said, leaping to his feet. "You're not supposed to know until I say so!" He ran away in tears, and everyone laughed and threw rotten food at him.

Naruto watched everything from his window, chomping on some cereal. Yes, cereal. He loves ramen, but having it for breakfast is fucking disgusting.

What's wrong with you people?

He finished his meal in a few minutes, and quickly got dressed in his standard tracksuit. He felt something in his pocket, and pulled out a small yellow stone, with an etching of a lightning bolt carved across the top.

"This is a Thunder stone," he remembered the man saying. "Choose any electric type you wish, and you can use this stone to evolve—"

"Booring!" Naruto threw the stone into the trash, before heading out the door. The stone began to glow, and suddenly erupted into a small fire, setting the bin alight.

There was a lively chatter in the Academy when he arrived, all talking about the mysterious stranger that had gotten lost in the village. Some say he resembled Jiraiya, others could have sworn he looked just like the 1st Hokage. Naruto ignored them all, and sat towards the middle.

He heard a screeching sound behind him, and turned around to see Sakura flapping her arms at him, pecking at his head. "What the hell?" he shouted, as she nipped at his hair.

"You're sitting in my seat!" Saku-bitch said, kicking him in the shin. "This is where Sasuke-kun sits! How am I supposed to fawn over him if you're in the way? YOU CAN'T BREAK MY ROUTINE!"

Naruto suddenly stood, and pointed at Sakura for all to see. "Hey, did you forget what happened yesterday? I told you that I'm not gonna let you push me around anymore! I'm gonna be super strong, you'll see! Sure, it'll be without the proper character development, and al future battles will be boring as fuck, but if that's what it takes…!"

Everyone gasped. Boys withered under Naruto's glory, and girls began to furiously masturbate. Hell, even some guys mumbled that they needed to go to the bathroom all of a sudden. Because let's face it, you threw realism out the window pretty early on.

Iruka came stomping in, using his patented I-can-make-my-head-big jutsu to calm everyone down. He was just about to start class, when he heard a knock at the door.

There was a burst of fire, and Sasuke came rushing through the door, all cool n' shit. The girls started masturbating again (seriously, what the fuck), and Iruka fainted. Naruto was the only one who didn't seem to notice the Uchiha's existence, since the only way to make Naruto seem cool was to make him a total asshole, and not at all like canon, where he's generally nice to everyone, right?

"Hn," Sasuke said, staring straight at Naruto. He never gave the boy a second thought before, but now he decided to make him his eternal rival, and pointed at him with all the drama an anime forces on those kinds of scenes.

"Hn!"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and what if I don't want to be your eternal rival? I kind of have other problems to deal with right now."

Sasuke was about to say something else, no doubt something long-winded and stupid and an obvious attempt to make him seem like a shitty character, when the door burst open again.

Iruka fainted again, and just after he had gotten to his feet, too. Hinata Hyūga stood in the doorway for all the class to see, their eyes wide with surprise. She had discarded her jacket, instead choosing to wear a very short tank top of pale yellow, and lavender shorts that covered less than what was probably legal. She winked at Naruto, and hurried over to try and seduce him in front of the entire class.

"What the hell?" Naruto said, squirming underneath her grasp. "Weren't you like the shiest character in the fucking series yesterday? What the fuck happened?"

Hinata smiled at her boyfriend. "I realized that actually taking the time to develop my growth was a waste of time! Isn't it more interesting for me to suddenly become just like you, so that we can skip straight to the underage sex scenes that these people don't seem to have a problem with?"

"That was quite the mouthful," Naruto said.

"Oh, I'll give you a mouthful."

Naruto shivered underneath his jacket. This was really fucking creepy, but for some strange reason, he realized he was beginning to fall for the Hyūga princess, and would probably tell her he loved her in like the next few days to move the romance along quicker.

Seeing Hinata glomp all over Naruto made all the girls in the glass very jealous. Ino realized just how much she loved Naruto as well, and even Sakura couldn't help but feel a little aroused at what she saw in front of her. She still hated Naruto, or did she? Nah, she didn't….or maybe she did. Did she? Sakura thought that maybe…well, maybe not.

Iruka wobbled to his feet, and hurried over the door, before anyone could come in and surprise him again. He turned to the class. "Well everyone, today's the day of your graduation! In order to pass, you have to make a solid clone, as well as demonstrate several of the other skills that we've learned.

Naruto raised his hand. "But Iruka-sensei…that's just like canon. Isn't that a little boring? Couldn't we spend a little more time coming up with something a little more original?"

"Not if we change it a little! If there's one key difference, people don't seem to mind reading the same fucking thing over and over again!" his teacher said excitedly, pulling out a scroll. "Let's see…scavenger hunt, no…getting the Hokage's personal approval, no…Ahhh, here we are!"

He turned the scroll around for everyone to see. "It says here that I'm to give you five hours to train before the exam, which is different enough from canon to make the author feel better about themselves! That should be enough time for incredibly useful circumstances to occur, giving you the chance to pass, Naruto!"

The blonde pumped his fist into the air. "Alright, I won't fail this time!"

Everyone cheered him on, since they suddenly fucking liked him all of a sudden. As the class suddenly rushed up to leave, Naruto saw someone staring at him from outside. He didn't recognize her, but at least she wasn't fawning all over him, like everybody else was. He leaped to his feet, and hurried outside to say hello.

"Hey, can I help you?" he asked, offering his hand out for her to shake.

The girl smiled. "Actually, I came here to help you. My name is Tenten, and I'll make sure you pass your test!"

Naruto scratched at his head. "How are you going to do that? Besides, aren't you like, a tertiary character or something? Wouldn't it be more accurate for Hinata or Iruka to help me?"

Tenten shrugged. "You're probably right, but they need me so they don't have to worry about the character getting over their feelings about the Kyūbi."

"The what?" Naruto asked, not sure of what she was talking about.

Tenten cursed herself. Naruto wasn't supposed to know about that yet. And how Tenten knew about it, no one will ever fucking find out. Plot hole-man, awayyyy!

"Don't worry about that!" she said, laughing nervously. "Anyway, let's go to the library. We're gonna fucking learn and shit."

Naruto groaned. "But that's so unlike my character! Can't you just let me pass through the skin of my teeth, you know…to make it more interesting?"

Tenten shook her head, grabbing onto Naruto's hand. "No can do, Naruto. That's the only semi-decent excuse people have to make Smart, God-like Naruto in the beginning. Plus, it gives them thousands of words to waste everyone's time, since you're literally reading about someone FUCKING READING."

Naruto sighed in resignation. If that's what the story needed…oh wait, it doesn't. Still, he let himself be dragged along, semi-curious as to what would happen once they got there.

The library was an imposing building, with towering spires, and dark windows covered in cobwebs. Seriously, this shit looks like Silent Hill or something. From one of the towers, Naruto heard a screech, and watched Sakura flap away, disappearing into the clouds as a bolt of lightning struck nearby.

"Do we really have to go inside?" Naruto asked. "I'm sure we can still find something original—"

"Nonsense!" Tenten insisted, dragging him inside. The building actually looked a lot nicer on the inside, and there was a rather pleasant looking young woman sitting behind the desk. She greeted warmly upon seeing Tenten, and even waved at Naruto.

"Hey, we need to find some scrolls and shit to get this guy hooked up for his graduation exam, you dig?" Tenten said, striking a pose.

The woman adjusted her glasses. "Yeeee, bitch. I'll help you an' Naruto out! You can count on yo' bitch, bitch!"

The woman led them back to a special section of the library, labeled 'the section where Naruto learns N' shit.'

"If you need anything else, just let me know, bitch." the woman said, bowing away.

Naruto's eyes lit up at all the techniques he was suddenly interested in reading about, instead of actually trying them out, like his character would. He hurried over to some shit about a 'tiger/dragon/mantis fighting style' scroll, before Tenten got in his way.

"Hey, can you use the shadow clone technique?" she asked. "Because you can use that technique to get lots of reading done in no time! If you let them learn, and then release them, you gain all the knowledge they had!"

Naruto was amazed. "How do you know all this shit?"

Tenten shrugged. "I guess the author made me smarter than I needed to be. Well, I'll help you today, but I have a pretty good feeling that you'll learn the technique soon enough, and then you can get super powered in no time!"

Excited to see what would come when he learned such a technique, Naruto began poring over the scrolls, and Tenten did as well. They looked over what weapon Naruto should use in the future (since for some God-forsaken reason, he needs to have a weapon), and couldn't decide between a halberd or double-edged axe, even though this shit is based off of Japanese stuff. They looked over more fighting styles, and Naruto liked the sound of the conveniently named 'Nine-Tailed Fox Style'. The woman behind the corner reappeared with some snacks, and Naruto asked if he could check the scroll out. The woman hurried over to her superior to ask him.

"I refuse!" the older man said, hissing. "The Kyūbi does not need any of our scrolls! What if he wants to use it for evil?"

Tenten frowned. She got to her feet, and decked the man in one blow. "You're gonna let Naruto take the scroll, or I'll beat you into next week."

As she chewed out the man, Naruto saw someone else move out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, it's Gramps!"

Hiruzen smiled warmly at Naruto. "Why, hello Naruto! It's good to see you reading for once!"

Naruto nodded happily. "Yeah, it's actually a lot of fun! So what brings you here? I mean, you're the Hokage. Can you really just go around to common places in the village, wherever I might happen to be? Don't you have paperwork to do?"

Hiruzen laughed softly. "Of course, but if I wasn't here, how would this happen?" he bent over, and a scroll suddenly fell out from his pocket. Naruto picked it up, and tried to hand it back to the old man, but the Sandaime acted like he didn't even see Naruto, and wandered off.

Naruto examined the scroll, eyes widening when he saw what was written on it. It was the scroll teaching the Shadow Clone technique!

How. Fucking. Convenient.

"And if I ever see you being mean to Naruto again, I'll stick a kunai in your ass!" Tenten yelled, chasing the senior librarian away. She came hurrying back, to find several Narutos reading at once.

"Woah! You learned the Shadow Clone Technique!?" she asked, amazed. "Wh-when?"

"Just now. What's in your hand?"

Tenten smiled. "It's the scroll you wanted! I was able to convince the old man to let you have it."

Naruto pumped his fist into the air. "Awesome! Thanks, Tenten!"

It was the first time he had said her name, and Tenten was surprised when she blushed at the sound of his voice. Now that she really looked at him, the kid was pretty cute, especially with those mischievous little whiskers…

"I need to go to the bathroom!" she suddenly said, louder than intended. Several people around her shushed her, and she awkwardly slunk off to find the restroom. Naruto hadn't even noticed, and continued to read.

But then, he heard a noise from behind him, and was surprised to see Mizuki, his other teacher at the academy, sneaking away with several scrolls from the forbidden section. Why they had a forbidden section that was this fucking easy to break into, Naruto didn't know. Wouldn't it be better to put forbidden technique in the Hokage's house, where they were safe?

Oh, wait.

Naruto's curiosity eventually got the better of him, and he hurried after his teacher, suspicious of what he might want with several forbidden techniques.

"Hey, what are you doing!?" he suddenly yelled, scaring Mizuki. They stood in the middle of street, as Naruto had followed Mizuki around for a while before his patience ran out.

The man turned around, and regarded Naruto with disdain. He ignored the boy, and continued to walk. Naruto yelled at him again, but Mizuki pretended like he wasn't even there.

Not one for being ignored, Naruto jumped forward, grabbing onto Mizuki's ankle. The man continued to act like there wasn't a thirteen year old being dragged along the ground, but people were starting to stare and ask questions, and finally he couldn't ignore him any longer.

"What are you doing, you little brat!?" Mizuki screamed, pushing Naruto into the dirt. "I will kill you for ruining my plans!"

Naruto was confused. "Aren't you overreacting? I mean, I was just curious why you were in the forbidden section. Maybe it was something official? I'm not that smart, you could have lied."

Mizuki cursed himself for overreacting. But by now a crowd had formed, and he wasn't going to escape unless he got rid of the child in front of him.

"You've got in my way for the last time, Naruto! I'll kill you, and the demon inside!"

"Say what?"

"The Kyūbi. You have it inside you."

"Is that why I have explosive diarrhea?"

No, that's because you eat ramen for every fucking meal."

"Is the Kyūbi why I eat so much ramen?"

Mizuki pulled at his hair, growing frustrated. "God, you're such an idiot! I've had enough!" A giant shuriken suddenly appeared in his hand, and he threw it with great force.

Naruto rolled out of the way just in time, but Mizuki was immediately after him, swinging a kunai in wide arcs and laughing uncontrollably. Naruto was backed against the wall, and the kunai was going straight for his heart.

But then, he remembered the jōnin level technique that he somehow fucking learned in 5 minutes! He put his hands together, and 50 shadow clones appeared by his side, grabbing onto Mizuki's kunai, and stopping it inches from the original Naruto's heart.

They threw him back, and started to pound him into the ground. Naruto was about to jump down and join the fray, when a strong voice pierced through the roar of battle.

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone turned away, and the clones disappeared one by one, revealing a half-beaten Mizuki. Hiruzen stared at him with disapproval, before he turned to Naruto.

"Why are you beating Mizuki up, Naruto?"

"Why are you here, of all places? You stalking me or something?"

The Sandaime shrugged. "It's necessary for the plot. Now, answer my question."

Naruto pointed at Mizuki, who was trying to crawl away. "He was stealing some scrolls from the forbidden section! And then he told me about the Kyūbi, and then he tried to kill me!"

Everyone gasped. Even Mizuki.

Hiruzen, covered his palm with his face. "Naruto, the fact that he was in the forbidden section of the library doesn't mean he was stealing. It's just there to keep children out."

Naruto cocked his head to one side. "What do you mean by that? I mean, look at this deadly technique that Mizuki would have—"

He suddenly realized he was holding a copy of 50 Shades of Grey, and flung it away with a howl of disgust. Mizuki groveled on the ground, hiding the book under his cloak before everyone saw.

"I'm not happy that you assumed wrong, Naruto, but Mizuki did attack you, with intent to kill. He will be dealt with accordingly." Hiruzen waved his arm, and two ANBU appeared at his side, hoisting Mizuki between them.

"And you, Naruto…was that the Shadow Clone technique? How on earth did you master such a technique?"

Naruto was confused again. "Didn't you drop it on purpose? It seemed like you dropped it on purpose."

"No matter. I am impressed by your mastery of the technique, and have decided to reward you! In honor of your achievement, I allow your graduation! You are now officially a shinobi of Konohagakure!"

Naruto's eyes shone. He jumped into the air, hooted and hollered, and danced around in the middle of the street. Hiruzen even boogied a little himself, showing off his sick nasty moves to the rest of the village.

Awww yeah. Dat's why he's Hokage, bitches.

But he wasn't as young as he used to be, and had to stop. He took several deep breaths, and smiled. "Now, you're still required to attend the final exam, but your score will no longer have an effect on your graduation. Congratulations, Naruto…you should be proud!"

"Thanks old man! I'm gonna go tell Iruka-sensei" Naruto raced off, cheering all along the way. Hiruzen laughed at Naruto's enthusiasm. That boy had a strange way of making everything seem a little brighter.

Hiding behind the dumpster, the man smirked. "Everything is going according to plan. Naruto, you have become a part of something much bigger than you realize…"

He turned to sneak away, but there was a dog in his way. The hound sniffed his pant leg, and stepped back, baring his teeth.

The stranger backed away slowly. "Nice doggy, good doggy…"

The dog started chasing after him, and when the man turned around to run, another dog was waiting for him. He tripped over the second dog, and fell right into what looked like a giant pile of dog—

"Awwww, shit."

Author's Note: I write these when I'm in a weird mood.I think you can tell.

Like I said last time, this is just a parody. If you actually take offense to any of this Looney Tunes shit, you're perfectly entitled to that opinion. But maybe you could unpucker that asshole, and crack a smile?

I hope you liked it. If you have something you'd like to see torn a new asshole, let me know. I will oblige.