Author's Note: A man can only take so much of this, FanFiction! I have grown weary of this nonsense, and now you will hear my wrath!

This is only a Parody. I hope you will enjoy it.

Chapter ONE (Or the only one, I don't fucking know)

A young boy sat alone in front of the Konoha academy, weakly kicking his legs in a broken-down old swing. He stared at the ground, with a blank expression.

The teasing had gotten worse. Naruto hardly knew what they were saying, but he knew it was because they hated him.

~Flashback to like, 5 minutes Ago~

"Hey Naruto…" Sakura said, looking quite slut-ish. "You should just give up on life now. There's like, NO way you'll ever be better than Sasuke-kun, no way you'll somehow come across this super crazy power that makes you a complete badass when you're only 12 years old."

"Wat," Naruto said, suddenly feeling angry towards the girl he had a crush on for no particular reason all of a sudden. "Listen here you…you…heroine with little character development!"

Sakura gasped. NO one had ever called her that before. But she didn't know how to react.

You know, since she doesn't have any character development.

"I'm tired of you treating me like doody, and I'm gonna show you just how much of a badass I am!" Naruto yelled in her face, spraying spittle all over her disgusting pink hair. Who the hell has pink hair anyway? Bitch.

"I'll find that super crazy power somehow, and make everyone like me just like that!" he snapped his fingers for effect.

Oh snap.

Sakura gasped again. She choked on all the air she had gasped in, because she was too stupid to exhale.

"You'll see, Naruto!" she howled. "You're doomed to being a scrawny little butt who has horrible taste in clothes! Sasuke will totally like, surpass you, and not end up as somebody's bitch that's bashed for no reason. Yep, I should know. I has the brain of a mindless fan-girl!"

She skipped away, having completely forgotten what had just happened between her and Naruto. Maybe she would go hang out with Ino and complain that neither of them got any meaningful screen-time unless some big shit was about to go down. Lee, Tenten, Neji, Shino, Kiba…they'd all be there too.

~End Useless flashback~

The little blonde boy laughed at her foolishness. For no apparent reason, her stoopidness didn't make him feel bad anymore! It was like he was free to become the god-like Naruto he always wanted to be, without having to actually work at it or anything!

"Tee-hee-hee…she cannot brain today! She has the dumb! I will no longer let her or all the other people in this village treat me like trash! I'm gonna suddenly mature and be all brooding and stuff, and Sakura-chan will be all 'Naruto-kun, please lemme be yo girl,' she'll say."

He struck a fabulous pose. "And I'll be all like, 'Nuh-uh, beeeeetch,' and I'll kick her in the ovaries!" He jumped down from the swing, and raced off to wherever his feet would take him. He didn't mind that there was some creepy guy wearing a hoodie in the bushes. He was sure he was gonna help him eventually.

Naruto was walking down one of the village's many streets, strangely calm. The villager's hateful looks didn't seem to bother him, the same as when they spit at him, fling their poo at him, or tried to set him on fire and eat him. They started to chase after him, screaming that they were going to cut off his legs and feed them to their children. And the Hokage would be totally okay with it, they said.

These villagers be fucked up like, for REAL. But they were stupid, almost as stupid as dumb-dumb Sakura was, and Naruto easily outran them.

He ran into Sasuke.

Emo c*nt.

"Hn," Sasuke said tauntingly. His eyes blazed with revenge. You remember that revenge, right? It's the one he'll never accomplish because people like glaring plot holes.

"Outta my way, pretty boy!" Naruto announced too loudly. "I'm on my way to a life-changing event in the middle of the woods with a hooded stranger!"

"Hn?" Sasuke asked. He was intrigued. Why was it not he that was getting the hooded stranger's gift?

Wow, that sounds really bad.

"Hn."

"How am I supposed to know why he wants to talk to me and not to you?" Naruto groaned. "Maybe if you didn't yak everyone's ear off, more strangers would want to give you power, instead of just one pedophile who's never left his mom's basement. That mo-fo is pale."

"Hn." Sasuke declared. His dark eyes watched Naruto carefully, waiting for a response.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto exclaimed. "Well your mom is so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside, and ran out with a bowl!"

The entire village laughed and pointed at Emo-Sasuke. What a sick burn, it was.

"Hn? HN? HNNNNNNN!" Sasuke yelled after him, but Naruto was not listening. He needed to get to his life-changing moment, and fast!

Hinata hated everything, and everyone.

Her father, who abused her for no reason whatsoever. Maybe he didn't like her hair or something.

Her sister, who despite not having any kind of personality, is some kind of psycho-bitch.

Neji, her cousin, who…well, she didn't really know why she hated Neji. When this God-forsaken story gets to the chūnin exams, he'll come around and start liking her.

She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the...oh god, here it comes. It's-!

~Another Useless Flashback. Don't we already know what fucking happened? I mean, she's crying in her room. What else would have happened? This flashback is stupid~

.

.

.

~End Stupid, Unnecessary Flashback #2~

Maybe that's what her father, as well as everybody in the Hyūga clan needed: a good ass-whoopin'.

But she couldn't give her father an ass-whoopin'. At least not until her Naruto-kun gives her the confidence and life lessons she needs to suddenly be able to overpower her clan leader father despite him having decades worth of experience and skill over her. She could make it with willpower, and determination!

And they were like, what? Thirteen? Yeah, that totally makes sense, she reassured herself, before she raced out of the Hyūga compound, ready for a good cry.

After finding a tree she was sure Naruto would be passing by any minute now, Hinata knelt down, and the waterworks started. Crybaby.

"Who's there?" she heard a voice call out. She knew it was Naruto. She recognized his voice.

And he was standing right in front of her.

"What matter, Hinata?" he asked, getting on his knees to look at her properly.

Woah, no way!

He suddenly realizes that out of nowhere, he loves her! Yeah, even though he's gonna have this huge harem of all the busty chicks in the entire goddamn world that will cater to his every (poorly-written) sexual whim, Hinata wouldn't mind a single bit of all that, and want to be his girlfriend! She'd be like his main-hoe!

"Oh, it's nothing Naruto-kun!" Hinata said. (My loins! They ache for you!) She thought.

"I've just been having a bad day, that's all," she said. (Take me here, right now! Even though we haven't even been through puberty yet!) She thought.

Naruto got to his feet. "Not anymore! You're gonna stop being a little crybaby, and suddenly go through this massive spurt of personal growth, just like I did not five minutes ago, thanks to that stupid Sakura-chan!"

"Hey, I take offense to that." Sakura waved her fist in the air, having fallen out of a tree where she had been eavesdropping. She skipped away, having completely forgotten what had just happened. Again.

"Okay well, that was weird!" Naruto announced. "But I'll say it again! You're gonna stop being a little crybaby, and suddenly go through this massive spurt of personal growth, just like I did not five minutes ago!"

Hinata nodded. "Kay. I love you. Did you know that?"

Naruto gasped. He knew he loved her, but he was still surprised that she actually said it!

"But you couldn't be with me!" Naruto insisted. "I have the Kyūbi inside me!"

"The what?"

Naruto lifted up his shirt. The Kyūbi waved at his new friend from the hole in Naruto's stomach.

"SUP," he growled. He knew he and this Hyūga girl would be best friends, even though the Kyūbi was actually a sexy vixen that would seduce Naruto because they need to have a fucking lemon every two fucking chapters.

Naruto pulled his shirt back down. "So what do you say, whatever-your-name-is…wanna be my main bitch?"

Hinata nodded happily. She leaned in to stick her tongue down Naruto's throat, but he shoved her in the face.

"Hold your ninja-horses, ho." Naruto dusted himself off. "I have to go meet a stranger in the middle of the woods who's gonna teach me this awesome new power that I'll use to be the very best, like no one ever was! TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL TEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY—"

"Naruto-kun, that's Pokémon," Hinata had to remind him, since he was a complete moron unless he needed to be smart to move the plot forward.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head, as he often did when people needed to know he was nervous. He could bite his lip or look away, but rubbing his head seemed to be their favorite. He laughed nervously, and sprinted away.

Hinata shrugged. She could always go home and masturbate.

Gotta have them lemons, after all. And when life gives you lemons, write them like shit!

Naruto was at a part of the forest he'd never been to. He was sure of that. I mean, all the trees fucking look the same when they're around the VILLAGE HIDDEN IN THE GODDAMN LEAVES, but he surely recognizes that this place is foreign to him. He didn't recognize that rock, and knew it was where he needed to be.

Also, the hooded guy was standing like, right there.

"Hello Naruto…" he said in a deep, unrecognizable voice. "I have been watching you for a long time now."

"Pervert."

The stranger threw up his hands in defense. He could feel the boy's killing intent radiating off of him. "Woah, dawg! I'm not like that! I just wanted to give you the power, that's all!"

"Then why do you have an erection?" Naruto asked.

"That's the power, I assure you. If you would allow me to just pull it out of my pocket, I could give it to you…"

"Riiiight. I'm just gonna take a few steps back now." Naruto took a few steps back, because we needed to know this twice.

But the man was telling the truth. Out of his pocket he produced a small stone, yellow in color. Electricity seemed to course through it as he held it in his palms. Naruto's eyes widened in amazement.

"This…" the man began to explain, "is a Thunder stone. Choose any electric type you wish, and you can use this stone to evolve—"

"Sorry, this isn't Pokémon," Naruto said sadly. "I made that mistake thirty-something seconds ago. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200$. You have failed, and hard."

The man pocketed the stone, swearing underneath his breath. He quickly regained his composure, and was a mysterious stranger once more.

"Then, what power would you like?" he asked. "I can give you anything you desire."

"Can I learn to control gravity?"

"No, that's fucking stupid," the man said.

"What about time?"

"Wow, overpowered much?"

"A dōjutsu that lets me copy dōjutsu's that lets me copy bloodlines, which give me immortality?" Naruto squealed with delight.

"Are you even speaking English right now? Did you hit your head on the way here?"

Naruto stomped his feet into the ground. "Well, what am I supposed to ask for if you don't like any of my ideas!?"

The man shrugged. "I don't know. How about we turn you into a vampire, or a hanyou (whatever the fuck that is), or maybe something else entirely? How about we give you the Rinnegan, or the Sharbyakugan?"

He pulled a glass jar out of his pocket. "I even have in my possession the Shamalamadingdongagan, a powerful set of eyes that grant the power to jump the shark and be a ruthless fighter one second, and a complete pussy the next, provided it's needed for the story to advance! You'll be lucky to find something that hasn't been done to fucking death, so try to remember that beggars can't be choosers, okay?"

"I'm not a beggar!" Naruto whined. "Jiraiya, some guy I haven't even met yet, is giving me lots of money with his smut books! So does my Father's rich clan (how convenient), and my ancient clan the Uzumaki's left me loaded as well, even though they're scattered across the globe fearing for their lives!

The man threw his hands up into the air out of exasperation. "Fine, let's just put off the newfound power for now. We'll forget we ever had this conversation, and you can discover it on your own when you go to the Wave, or during the chūnin exams, or some other repetitive shit we've all read a thousand times. That sound good?"

"Fine with me."

The man turned to go, but Naruto suddenly felt confused. Was he really going to trust this man to give him this power, when only a few minutes ago he accused him of being a Pedo? Naruto had to know how he was.

"Hey!" he called out. "Who are you? Do I know you?"

The man chuckled softly to himself. "You know me very well, Naruto. Allow me to introduce myself…"

He threw back his hood to reveal.

"It is I, Danzō! I plan to use your new power to gain control of the village!"

Naruto yawned. "Seen it."

The man cackled. "That was merely a trick, boy. For I am actually…your father, who was raised from the dead to watch over you!"

"Seen it."

"Your mother?"

"You have an Adam's apple, jackass."

The man grew desperate. "I am the Shinigami! The God of Death who has seen fit to—"

"Boooring!"

"The Minigami?"

"What the fuck even is that?"

The man roared in anger, jumping up and down, sure nothing a Shinigami, or his father, or Danzō, or anyone else would do.

"Fine, forget who I am for now! You'll find out eventually through a poll I've set up in my profile! And now, I disappear!" He started waving his hands in front of him while making a gurgling sound, confident he would vanish from Naruto's sight.

He didn't.

"Curses!" he scrambled into the forest, tripping over a root. You could hear him grunt in pain as his thunderstone smacked him in his Poké Balls.

Naruto suddenly felt the urge to sleep. It was a good way to end a chapter, since you can lead up to the next one with waking up and all. He slumped to the ground, and was snoring loudly in seconds.

From her perch, Sakura flipped Naruto her middle finger. She cackled into the wind, spread her gangly wings, and flew off to be bashed by Kakashi or Iruka, vanishing in the darkness as clouds moved in front of the moon.

Oh yeah, it was nighttime now. Edgy, right?

Author's Note: I was just glossing over the newest stories, when I saw that same fucking summary. You know the one. I saw it, and I snapped.

I was just going to rage at my computer for a few minutes until I got hungry or had to pee, but then I thought, why not turn my anger and frustration into something positive?

This is a parody, and if any of you actually take offense to any of this nonsense, you can go...right on and have that opinion, because you have every right to!

If you like what you saw, let me know! I'd be happy to make this multi-chap, should you so desire, since there is so much ripe for the mocking.

Until next time.

(Dec. 10 Note: I will add another chapter eventually, but this is just fine as a humorous one-shot for the time being, so it will be listed as complete, until the urge to mock and parody overcomes me again. I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did while writing it!)