"You're either going to go to hell or stay in purgatory for a very long time," the words of a frustrated Sunday school teacher to an 11 year old Lois. Those words occasionally flitted through her head. She couldn't deny it even now. Her list of unconfessed sins was growing steadily larger everyday. Guilt and worry over her eternal state prodded her into at least being an Easter/Christmas Catholic. It was what had her stepping through the door of St. Mary's in Star City on the first Sunday of Advent.

She quickly found a pew in the back corner. Her timing had been perfect. There was no need to chat with any of the congregation because the priest and altar boys came in milliseconds after she did.

She went through all the rituals without having to give it a lot of thought. That's what she loved about a good Catholic service. It was familiar, dependable unlike a lot of things in her life. If she shut her eyes and just listened, she could almost pretend she was there with her mother and sister. She could imagine that all was right with the world and her biggest worry was what Santa Claus was bringing. And yet, her present anxieties wouldn't quite let her believe that fantasy.

Hope, that's what the first candle stood for and she tried hard not to let her mind wander from the religious readings. It was probably going to cost her another few years in purgatory or worse, but she couldn't help it. Chloe and Jimmy's wedding day had been so full of hope for the couple and now Jimmy was laying in critical condition with no certainty of the future at all. Thinking of Jimmy and Chloe made her think of what had happened at the wedding or hadn't happened rather. Lana had waltzed through the door at just the right moment as if sensing her pull on Clark was weakening. The people of Israel had been waiting for their Messiah for centuries. It felt like centuries that Lois had been waiting for Clark to grow up and get Lana out of his life once and for all. Not that she'd had designs on him for all these years, far from it, but any fool could see that Lana wasn't good for Clark. Just when he started to develop a backbone and a mind of his own, she sucked all of his progress away like a vicious leech. Those tears at the hospital hadn't just been for Chloe and Jimmy. They'd been for her and Clark and for what might have been a beautiful beginning. Hope was something she didn't have a lot of at the moment and what little she had was threatening to die out altogether. She watched the lone flame flicker bravely trying not to give up, but the drafts in the old church seemed to make it a losing battle. The symbolism wasn't lost on her.

She was startled out of her melancholy, unholy thoughts by the congregation surging forward to take Communion. She was probably committing more sacrilege, considering the years it had been since she had been to a priest, but she went forward to receive the Eucharist anyway.

When the Mass was over, she checked her watch. She really should get back to the hospital with Jimmy. She probably shouldn't have left him this long, but when Jimmy's life hung in the balance, she didn't want to anger the Creator of life.

sss

The following Sunday found Lois back in St. Mary's and Jimmy still not doing so great. Jimmy was being prepared for yet another surgery.

Faith, that's what the second Advent candle stood for and there was probably nothing her impatient nature hated more. Faith didn't always mean having knowledge on hand and it certainly didn't produce immediate results. She knew deep down that she should have faith that things with Jimmy, Chloe, and Clark would all work out for the best, but it didn't come easy to her. She didn't have much faith in Clark at the moment. It had been over a week now and she hadn't had any update from Clark on the Chloe situation. He hadn't even called to check on Jimmy. Clark should have thanked every blessed mile that stood between him and her or she would have been at his throat. She knew exactly what was occupying his thoughts at the moment and it wasn't adding to her peace of mind. She wondered if she actually belonged with this crowd of pious, faith-filled people. None of it seemed to be rubbing off on her. She itched to call Clark up, but her pride wouldn't let her.

She took a deep breath and did her best to actually pay attention to the Mass.

sss

The third candle was lit. The fat, rose-colored candle stood for joy. It was hard not to scoff at the thought. She felt like there was little to be joyful about in her life. She looked up at the golden crucifix. Of course, Jesus hadn't had much to be joyful about either. That's the way the world seemed to be. You gave your best to the world and your loved ones, and in the end, they rejected you and left you to a painful existence.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket. She left the sanctuary to answer it. She recognized the phone number instantly. "Yes?"

"Chloe is safe," Clark told her, "she's just not exactly herself yet."

"It's about freaking time you called. That's some good news at least." There was something to be joyful about this Sunday after all. She couldn't afford to pepper her retort with some of the vocabulary she wanted, not with a statue of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus staring down at her.

"I'm sorry I haven't been keeping you better informed," he apologized. She couldn't swear to it but she thought she heard Lana's voice in the background.

"No need to apologize. I understand why you haven't been keeping me updated," she tried hard to soften the hard, cold edge in her voice, but she didn't have it in her at the moment.

There was a heavy sigh from his end, "It's—I—things are complicated right now."

"And I'm telling you I get it. Jimmy's fine by the way. He's not great, but he's hanging in there."

"I know. I've been calling the hospital for news on his condition."

"I see," she said. She did see. He was avoiding her as much as possible. He regretted what had happened and it was easier to forget about it if you didn't have to talk to the person in question. "Well, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year," she told him, not waiting for a reply before she hung up the phone.

Heat rushed to her face the moment the cell phone snapped shut, partly from embarrassment that she had let herself lose control and just good old-fashioned anger at Clark. She went back into the sanctuary.

Her attention fell back to the joy candle. Jesus was the light in a dark, dying world. She wondered if He had focused on the joy He would bring while He was on the cross. Was there always darkness and pain before the light and joy came? Clark was a light in the darkness of Lois' life. He somehow brightened up her cynical world and brought her a ray of joy when she was at her lowest. She didn't want him to be that light and had been fighting against that truth for almost as long as she had known him, but it didn't make it any less true. If she knew there would be happiness at the end of this dark period, she could bear Clark's stupidity with Lana, but the trouble was she couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

sss

Love was the fourth and final candle of Advent minus the one that was to be lit on Christmas Eve. She wondered if she even knew the meaning of the word in any of its capacities. True love required a person to give selflessly as God had given Himself. Jimmy assured her that she knew how to love like a true friend as he thanked her many times over for staying with him all this time. She wondered at the truth of it though. She wondered if staying with Jimmy all this time hadn't just been an escape from Clark. She knew she loved her family and taking care of Jimmy was a reflection of that love for Chloe. She sighed. She hadn't had many friends before coming to Smallville and it was partly due to all the constant moving but she had always been an abrasive person and not many were able to look past that and see who she was at her core. Clark knew who she was past her outward layer. He hadn't always, but there were moments he got real glimpses of her and those moments were becoming more frequent. It scared her. She could say with complete honesty that right now there was no one who knew her better and yet, she apparently couldn't hold a candle to the great Lana Lang. She teared up thinking about it. She felt weak admitting it, but she did love Clark Kent, so much so that she wasn't going to come between him and Lana if they were meant to be. She chuckled ironically to herself and that was true love. She loved Clark so much that if being with Lana made him happier then that's what she wanted for him. She wasn't going to confuse his feelings by being there in Smallville and making it hard for him to choose. She was more than willing to let him forget about what had almost happened between them.

sss

The short white candle was now lit because it was the Christmas Eve service. Christmas was finally here. Chloe had called and was ready to take over Jimmy's care. Jimmy was stable enough that he was being transferred to the Metropolis hospital anyway. Jimmy and Chloe were getting their happy ending. She was glad that some couples did.

"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.' "

A warm tingling sensation surged through her as she listened to the familiar Christmas message and heard the words "all people". She'd heard the words a 100 times but for the first time she was really listening. Was it possible to feel the presence of God? She never had before. The feeling didn't last, but the comfort she felt from it did. She knew her life was going to work out somehow, including her afterlife. She didn't think she was going to be a saint from hereon out, but she had confidence that God had sent the Savior for her too.

She cast a backwards glance as she left St. Mary's for the last time. It wasn't the most likely place to work out her romantic feelings for Clark but she had. It was a likely place for working out her religious feelings and she had done that too. When she went to church in the future it wouldn't be because she was worried about hell or even purgatory. She would be honoring the God, who was healing Jimmy and who had kept Chloe safe. This Christmas wasn't the most traditional one she would ever have, but it had taught her a lot.

Her phone rang and somehow she knew who it was before she looked. "Clark?"

"I want to tell you that I'm sorry for not keeping in touch with you more. You were right to be angry. Can I make it up to you?"

"How do you plan on doing that?"

"Chloe told me you're coming home the day after tomorrow. I'll pick you up at the airport."

"Okay," she was going to play it cool with Clark until she found out for certain where they stood.

"Merry Christmas, Lois."

"Merry Christmas, Clark." She smiled to herself as she turned her cell phone off. Although the season of Advent was over, she had a feeling she and Clark were about to embark on an advent of their own. The new year was looking up all around.

The End