Rating: All
Warning: Perhaps a little cracky, what with the addition of Wade Wilson/ Deadpool
Pairings: Pre Clint/ Darcy and one-sided Wade/ Natasha
A/N: Wrote this today instead of working on the numerous other things I should be because it makes me smile and I'm not in good mood. Hope it puts you in one at least. Will likely be a two parter with a naughtier second part if you want.
A/N2: Based off of the submission at Memos from Fury on tumblr- (add following to the end of the memos tumblr dotcom link as FF always deletes it) /post/30694112539/submitted-by-jabberwocky-agents-of-shield-are#notes
and the AU gif series arrows-and-duct-tape, also on tumblr
A/N3: Quick explanation is for some reason, Wade Wilson is an occasional agent at SHIELD and is often put on missions with Natasha and Clint. Then he meets a certain Lab Assistant.
Special thanks: go to katdemon1895 who reads all my incoherent thoughts in the Marvel universe and helps me work through things in my head till they make sense.

The calm of Clint and Natasha's lunch in the SHIELD cafeteria was interrupted when one of the lab assistants stood right in front of Clint, hands on her hips. A crumpled sheet of paper was clutched in of her hands. Looking up to her face, Clint recognised her as the 'Queen of the Lab Lackeys'. A title bestowed upon her by Wade Wilson, who'd been rather obsessed about her as of late. He'd talked about her during their most recent mission and went on and on about what he'd wanted her to do to him with post-it notes. While Natasha was not a fan of the conversation, she had been relieved to finally have Wade not constantly trying to trick her into a verbal agreement to sleep with him. Though Nat did threaten Wade that if she caught any word of sexual harassment in the labs that involved him, she'd personally saw off his balls. The recon mission had gone pretty downhill from there and while Clint knew it wasn't because of the conversation, he couldn't help but notice how fast things tended to go to shit after inappropriate conversations with Wade. Particularly when Natasha overhears.

"Hey, Hawkass, it is Hawkass right?" The woman brought Clint's attention to her angry and intense glare. What was her name...Delilah? Dakota? Darla? Oh, that's right, Darcy. It took a moment but Clint vaguely remembered reading her file back in New Mexico the first time Thor appeared. She didn't seem that important back then so he didn't really pay much attention to the file. But having her right in front of him in all her fury and pretty phenomenal curves, Clint berated his past self for not showing more interest. She was hot and and he had a better idea of why Wade had been so focused on her as of late.

"Hawkeye- uh, Clint actually," Clint stumbled, being dragged out his thoughts when she cleared her throat.

"Whatever. Can you tell me where your little boyfriend is?" She continued, making Clint frown in confusion and Natasha snicker slightly.

"I'm not gay so no boyfriend," Clint explained before adding suggestively, "very single actually, if you're curious."

"Really?" Darcy raised an eyebrow, clearly not impressed at his insinuation. Next to him, Clint could practically hear Natasha's eyes roll.

"Really."

"Wade said you're in passionate monkey love with him so I just assumed. My mistake," answered Darcy rather drolly.

"I am not in love with Wade," defended Clint. Of course Wade would say that to the hot lab assistant.

"Really? I've had my doubts," Natasha cut in. She shared what he could only call a special, secret smirk with Darcy. Apparently, they were pretty familiar with each other. Clint did not like it when the women ganged up on him. Especially when it was Wade who was the instigator.

"Boyfriend, lover- I don't care what you call him. Where is he?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him since our last mission."

"Don't lie to me Hawkass."

"I'm not lying. Why would I lie about this?"

"To protect him because I'm going to kill him."

"What did he do?" asked Natasha, leaning in slightly. Any sign of humour was erased from her face as she waited to hear if Wade had actually touched Darcy inappropriately this time.

"That fuck found some...pictures of me and decided to pin a few up in the labs," Darcy handed the sheet in her hand to Natasha. The ex-Russian uncurled it but made sure Clint couldn't get a good look. His curiosity grew as he watched her face start to seethe. Wade was in for it this time.

"And now I'm finding out I'm people's screen savers here and wallpaper on their phones. I'm getting cat calls from some of the agents walking down halls and I don't know where the hell else Wade put them up so I can take them down. Don't get me started on some of the things they've been asking me to do to them. Pepper's going to be upset because I can't get Tony away from his lab to eat or sleep because he'd determined to find a nude picture of me," Darcy continued and Clint swears he couldn't help what came out of his mouth next.

"Are there nude pictures of you?" Clint blurted, genuinely interested. It earned him a kick from Natasha and glare from Darcy that made it feel hotter than hell. He instantly regretted his uncouth slip of tongue. He also regretted not going past the first page of her file. Maybe it would have answered his question.

"Even if there were, I'd never show you," spat Darcy.

"I will deal with Agent Wilson," Natasha promised, voice cold and deadly as she the folded up the offending picture neatly and handed it back to Darcy. "I'm sure I can convince Coulsen and Fury to have a talk with any other agent who is reacting inappropriately."

Natasha spared a glance towards Clint when she said the last statement, making him sputter.

"Thanks," sighed Darcy, slightly relieved. With a final glare at Clint, Darcy made her way out of the cafeteria. Natasha gave him a similar look before she put away her tray and went on the hunt for Wade. Within a few minutes, Clint's phone beeped and he saw that Wade had sent him a text message.

'So?'

'Natasha is going to kill you'

'At least she has to touch me to do that'

'You'd be surprised. What's with the pictures?'

'Darcy's hot right? You wanna hit that? I think she likes hawks. Well she likes big bird at least'

Clint paused before he typed out a reply. He did indeed wanted to 'hit that' but he wasn't going to give Wade any satisfaction. Instead, he ignored the question all together.

'What pictures did you find? Tasha wouldn't show me'

What could he say? Curiosity killed the cat but there wasn't anything about it killing the hawk. The next few beeps alerted him that pictures had been sent. Out of shock, Clint's mouth dropped open when he opened the first file. The first picture had the question 'official pin up girl of SHIELD?' typed out but it didn't hide the image of Darcy looking coyly at the camera. His attention was first focused on her face and he tapped his phone to better a close up. Makeup was neatly done with long lashes and ruby red lips, along with a wavy hairstyle to try and emulate pin up girls from the 1930s and '40s. It looked very similar to the women that Steve sometimes sketched but her expression was a little more...unsure. Like she wasn't entirely confident about her pose. Oddly enough, it added an endearing quality to it all.

Pulling the frame back, Clint got a better look at the rest of her figure. Pale skin and luscious curves that he wanted to run his fingers over. Darcy lay on her stomach on a pile of plush pink sheets and pillows, clad in what looked like black lacy thong, a matching bra and sparkly black heels. Her arms were under her chest, giving more emphasis on the already ample breasts.

The next picture had Darcy in a similar lingerie but with electric blue fishnets attached to a black garter belt and a big fuzzy blue jacket. She was sitting on a table with legs slightly open and held an old style phone with a rotary dial in one hand and a martini in another. Her expression was a lot more confidant, if slightly curious at whoever she was pretending was on the other line with her.

The final picture made Clint's breath stop short for some reason, which was all most odd, given that she was covered up more. It was a side profile of Darcy curling back on a worn, brown leather sofa. Her hair looked shorter and curlier. The outfit was different but the makeup was the same. Dainty pink satin shoes were on her feet and her thighs and legs were bare. Her upper body was covered by a short peach silk robe but it was her face that really caught Clint's attention. Something off camera had obviously amused her. Whatever or whoever it was had made her giggle, fingers touching her bottom lip ever so slightly as she started to cover her joyful laugh. Much like her anger, the happiness took over every muscle of her face but this was so much more captivating than her rage. He wasn't sure how long he had been staring at her face until another text from Wade broke his attention.

'My plans to make Darcy Von Teese the official pin up girl of shield are thwarted'

The reminder of Wade posting these pictures everywhere suddenly angered Clint. An ugly stab of jealously ripped through his body and he was angry at all the other men who were ogling at Darcy or making her life a living hell. Before Clint could ask Wade where he'd put up the other pictures, there was a final text.

'I hear Natasha. Tell Weasel and Bob to stay away from my stuff after my death. Also that I will haunt them'

"Shield brother Clint, I come for information," Thor's booming voice made Clint jump out of his skin. Looking up at the God of Thunder, he saw grim determination and fury in Thor's face. The god also had his hammer gripped tightly, making Clint that much more nervous.

"Information? About what?"

"It has come to my attention that a man named Wade Wilson had tarnished the Lady Darcy's good name. She is Lady Jane's handmaiden and we are both distressed at this turn of events. I was hoping you would have information on his whereabouts."

"Oh yeah, Wade," Clint said, licking his lips and sticking his phone back into his pocket. No need to let Thor know that the slandering photos were currently on his phone. Deciding that Natasha would beat out the information from Wade of where the other pictures were hiding, Clint smiled. He figured that having the imposing God of Thunder would help him in the next half hour or so.

"Don't worry about Wade. Natasha is after him and she probably could do more damage then either of us could. If you want to help me- uh, talk to the junior agents and warn them about bothering Darcy, that would be great."

Thor took a moment to choose between beating Wade up himself or allowing Natasha to cause both bodily and mental harm. In the end, he grinned like he was about to beat up a bunch of Chitauri.

"Let us not waste time! We shall protect Lady Darcy's reputation!" shouted Thor, raising his hammer and in the distance, Clint swore he could hear thunder. This was going to be fun.