Stiles heard the knocks on his bedroom door, he heard the voices of his 'friends' telling him to come out but he didn't care. He was done, so utterly and completely done. He didn't want to see anyone, he didn't want to eat, or leave his room, or breathe anymore. He just wanted to sit here in his corner until he died. He could hear Scott frantic voice now telling him to open up, he sounded like a worried mother. Stiles took a deep breath; he didn't have a mother to worry for him, to help him feel better when he felt like this. He didn't have anyone to help him, sure he had a father but what's the point when you know that every time he looks at you all he sees is your dead mother?

"Open this door right now Stiles" Lydia yelled banging on it "Derek's going to break it down if you don't!"

Stiles gave a dry laugh and his eyes filled with tears, even Derek showed up for this? They had absolutely no idea did they?

"I'll open the door" he yelled and it got quite in the hallway "If you can tell me what today is"

The silence lasted and he could just imagine how they were looking at each other, they had no idea what today was, they had no idea why today would cause Stiles to have a panic attack in the middle of class and run out.

"It's Tuesday Stiles" Jackson yelled out, Stiles could practically hear him roll his eyes. In a blind fury he got up and threw open the door, he looked upon the confused faces of the pack and tears started rolling down his face "It's the day my mother died" he tried to scream but his throat was choked with sobs and his voice got hoarse. The look of shock on their faces made Stiles want to spit, he could practically feel the pity rolling off of them in waves, even Derek and Jackson looked guilty. "You all claim to love me, all say that you're my friends but none of you even bothered to ask, sure you knew that she died but you never cared enough to ask how I felt. It was just a simple fact 'Yeah Stiles doesn't have a mom but who cares' well I care" he wiped his face "I am done being your little pack bitch, I'm done running errands, I'm done lying to my dad about why I was out so late or why I'm limping"

"Stiles, we had no idea you felt like this" Alison said softly

"Of course you didn't because you never asked, nobody ever asks because nobody cares."

"I'm your best friend Stiles, of course I care"

"We all care Stiles" Lydia's voice was soothing she was trying to get him to calm down "You can always talk to us about anything" It was obviously supposed to make him feel better but it just made him feel worse

"I can tell you anything? Why would I burden you with my own problems, you all have your own"

"You're not a burden you help everyone Stiles, and you never judge us" Scott took a small step towards his best friend "Remember when I had the panic attack in the school bathroom? You helped me get through it"

"That's because I have so many of my own, they never stop" his voice was getting low "I have so. much. shit. going through my head all the time. It keeps me up at night. My memories."

"So?" Jackson's pigheadedness still has no end.

"Tell me what my memories are, Jackson." Stiles voice was hard and bitter "You don't remember the time as the kanima do you? You can't remember all the people you killed. All the blood you spilled, what it looked like when you were covered in blood and ripping your claws threw something. Sure, you've been told what happened but it's not like there's anything to haunt your dreams." Stiles feels like he was going to puke but he has to tell someone, who better than everyone? "Do you know what I see? What I remember? I remember the mechanic trying to scream as he was crushed to death I remember knowing that I was going to die next and I would never see my dad again. I remember Matt walking towards my dad with a gun and I can't move to save him, and I remember hoping that Scott would protect him but Matt's also threatening his mom and I know if it came to a choice, he'd choose her. And I can't blame him because I'd choose my dad first but, I'd kill anyone to keep my dad safe but most of all I remember feeling useless because I. Couldn't. Fucking. Move."

Stiles' stares at the shocked faces in the hallway and felt sick "You want to know why I don't talk to anyone about what happens? Why I stay up at night and play werewolf researcher? Because the monsters that haunt my mind are worse than any monster in Beacon Hills."

Derek speaks up for the first. "You should have said something." His voice is soft and caring and sounded nothing like the Derek that Stiles was used to and it just pissed him off.

"Have you? How many times have you woken up screaming, covered in sweat and tears, telling yourself if you'd just gotten there faster, that you could have saved Laura? Saved your family? How often are you out in public and you have to bite your lip until your teeth connect, you have to dig your fingers in your palms because your hit with a sudden rush of guilt for not saving them. With the pain of knowing that you're alone" Stiles knows he's crossed a line when Derek's eyes start glowing red and he glares at him silently. It doesn't matter.

None of it matters.

Why should it?

"Everyone needs some sort of outlet Stiles, something healthy that can help them get over their anger and problems" Jackson shrugs "Mines Lacrosse, what's yours?"

"You want to know my outlet?" Stiles stared at him disbelieving "I'll show you my outlet" Stiles pulls up his left sleeve to reveal deep welts and gashes on his wrist; some couldn't be more than ten minutes old "I could have been screaming it to you but none of you would have listened, you all taped over my mouth and scribbled out the truth with your lies."

A single tear fell from Lydia eye as everyone stared at his wrist "Stiles we love you, we don't want you to do this to yourself

"You all talk about how you love me and how useful I am it's always 'Stiles we love you" and 'Stiles you're the best' but that's not even my name. None of you know my name, you've never asked" he shouted and took a step back so he could close the door, he just needed to be alone, to sit in him room in the dark and cry. He knew from this day on they would pay more attention to him, check his wrists and follow his every move but right now he didn't care. He closed the door half way before he looked everyone in the eyes individually landing on Lydia and holding her stare

"How can you say you love me when you don't even know my real name?" Stiles looked at them all once more numb to every emotion on their face

"You want to know what hurts the most?"

Beyond words Scott and Lydia nodded yes while all the others said no with the exception of Derek who looked to be holding back tears

"Pretending that it doesn't hurt at all."

My first sad Teen Wolf fic. my muse has taken the shape of Stiles and he was sad today.