Sam Winchester: Owner's Guide and Manual
Summary: Congratulations on your new SAM WINCHESTER unit! This manual includes everything you need to know about owning and assembling your new Sam unit.
Author's Note: This is the third in a series of Owner Manual's for Team Free Will. Next on the list: Gabriel. After that, I think I'll do Bobby, and then maybe one for Kevin Tran(Because a Prophet of the Lord Owner's Manual is just too good to pass up), and then call the run finished, unless inspiration strikes for another character.
Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Supernatural or it's characters. The "Owner's Guide" idea has been done by several authors before me and was originally started in the LOTR fandom by Theresa Green, and I don't claim to own that either. This work is strictly for entertainment and amusement.
Sam Winchester: Owner's Guide and Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a SAM! In order to obtain top performance from your Hunter, please follow the guide below.
Your SAM unit should arrive fully assembled.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:
Name: SAM WINCHESTER (also known as Lucifer's vessel, Sammy—but only to Dean, Moose, Giraffe, Samantha, etc.).
Family: Son of MARY and JOHN WINCHESTER, brother to DEAN WINCHESTER, half-brother to ADAM MILLIGAN. Adopted son of BOBBY SINGER.
Species: Human, of the HUNTER variety
Manufacturer: Supernatural, INC.
Date of Manufacture: May 2, 1983
Age: approximately 29 years old; exact age hard to calculate due to death and resurrections
Appearance: Taller than normal at 6'5. Lean, muscular, with long brown hair and green eyes.
#of Deaths to Date: 4
ACCESSORIES:
1 VIAL OF HOLY WATER
1 DEMON-KILLING BLADE
1 LAPTOP
2 PLAID SHIRTS
3 FAKE IDS (ONE FBI, ONE Health Department, and ONE general-issued state ID)
ASSEMBLY:
Your SAM unit will be shipped fully assembled. To activate, lay SAM units face-up on the floor. He will self-activate within 24 hours.
Like most Hunter units, SAM will want to make sure you are not possessed, a shape-shifter, or a leviathan. He will ask you to pour holy water and borax on your arm, and make a small cut with a silver knife. SAM will not trust you until you pass this test, but SAM will be more than happy to do the same test.
OPERATING PROCEDURE:
Your SAM is user-friendly and has been designed to respond to voice controls. Please state commands clearly in English.
USES:
Your SAM unit is efficient and is useful in many situations. While SAM's functions are not limited to these, we have found that many people enjoy these special SAM functions:
HUNTER
Like his brother, SAM has been a supernatural hunter since he was a child. Even though he has not always embraced the hunting life, he is still one of the best hunters. SAM has experienced in killing ghosts, demons, and most supernatural creatures. His specialty is exorcising demons. In case of haunting, SAM will know what to do and how to keep you safe.
RESEARCHER
SAM is known as the bookworm in his family, and apart from just having a general encyclopedia of knowledge in his head, is well-skilled in the art of research. He is able to track down minutiae of information in a matter of mere hours. Whether you want to dig up dirt on someone or need help on a supernatural case, SAM will be more than happy to help. He is also a natural student, and we recommend this function to SAM student owners. Enlist your SAM as your research partner for optimal results.
NUTRITIONIST
SAM units are known for being health-conscious. SAM units make sure to eat healthy, get plenty of greens, and to exercise. If you ask him to, SAM will be more than happy to pester you during your workout to actually accomplish it and make sure you order salads instead of burgers.
STARTING THE APOCALYPSE/STOPPING THE APOCALYPSE
If for some reason you actually wish to start the apocalypse, SAM units are the only units capable of breaking the final seal. We highly recommend that you DO NOT do this! However, SAM units are also capable of stopping the apocalypse should it occur. Note: stopping the apocalypse results in the death of SAM units, the despair and beating of DEAN units, the death of BOBBY units, and the death of CASTIEL units, though if the CASTIEL unit still has the GET OUT OF DEATH FREE CARD (Guaranteed by God), CASTIEL can use his power after coming back to life to heal DEAN units, resurrect BOBBY units, and pull the SAM unit from hell. We cannot guarantee the mental state of SAM units after being raised from perdition. It is truly best to ignore this function at all times.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS:
SAM models have three modes: "Normal", "Drinking Demon Blood," and "Soulless". His compatibility shifts depending on the mode in which you have your model.
In "Normal" Mode, SAM will be compatible with DEAN, BOBBY, and CASTIEL models. He will be reasonably compatible with most other hunter models, including ELLEN, JO, and GARTH models. He will tolerate BECKY models, though she will annoy him immensely. NOTICE: If you choose to have your SAM model interact with a BECKY model, we highly suggest you carefully watch SAM's beverage intake. In this mode, SAM will be incompatible with all DEMON models and most ANGEL models. He will also work with CROWLEY models if needed, though he will still hate all CROWLEY models. He will be compatible with JOHN WINCHESTER models, though they will argue often.
In "Drinking Demon Blood" mode, SAM will be incompatible with all models except the RUBY model. The outcome of a SAM allowed to continue in "Drinking Demon Blood" mode is the starting of the apocalypse, so we highly recommend taping this into a permanent OFF position.
In "Soulless" mode, SAM will be incompatible with all models that have souls. He may also attempt to kill BOBBY models. We suggest taping this mode into a permanent OFF position as well.
Let's be honest, just keep your SAM unit in "Normal" mode at all times if you value your life and the world around you.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU ALLOW YOUR SAM MODEL TO INTERACT WITH A LUCIFER MODEL!
Avoid allowing your SAM unit to interact with the following models, as the result may be starting the apocalypse or death to one or more models: RUBY, ALISTAIR GORDON WALKER, AZAZEL, and LUCIFER. Note: This is NOT an exhaustive list!
Under no circumstances should you threaten or allow danger to befall your SAM model if a DEAN model is present. We cannot be held responsible for injury or loss of life that may occur in such a situation.
PRECAUTIONS:
Do not expose your SAM model to clowns, strong magnetic fields, the "Supernatural" series by Carver Edlund/Chuck Shirley, or demon blood.
CLEANING:
Your SAM unit is programmed to take care of all personal hygiene. SAM is very conscious of staying clean and will need no personal assistance. Unlike DEAN models, SAM never forgets to not wear blood in public. However, SAM will never, ever, ever cut his hair unless you make him. We suggest a trim every month to keep SAM's luxurious locks looking clean and tidy. In the event that you do not feel qualified to cut your SAM's hair and do not wish to pay for a haircut, we recommend buying hair products in bulk.
CARE:
As a HUNTER, SAM is used to being left alone. As long as SAM units are kept in good shape, have the opportunity for learning, and are free to choose not to hunt, SAM will be satisfied. SAM is quite happy being left alone for extended periods of time and will not feel neglected.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
Q: My SAM unit never sleeps, and it's creeping me out!
A: Ah, your SAM model is in "Soulless Sam" mode. Switching to "Normal" mode will remedy the situation immediately.
Q: My SAM unit looks younger than on the package, and keeps calling me Rory. That's not my name! Is there something wrong with my SAM unit?
A: We're sorry; it appears you have been issued a DEAN FORESTER from GILMORE GIRLS, INC. by mistake. It's a fairly common mix-up as both the DEAN FORESTER and SAM WINCHESTER models look remarkably alike and SUPERNATURAL, INC. also has a DEAN model. You are more than welcome to keep your DEAN FORESTER model (He is more even-tempered and has ZERO chance of starting the apocalypse, but is useless in a haunting), but if you wish to exchange it for the model you ordered, all exchanges are free. Just ship your DEAN FORESTER model back in the original packing and we'll ship your SAM model within 5 to 7 business days upon receipt.
Q: Help! I think I may have fallen in love with my SAM unit.
A: While we understand that the physical appearance of the SAM unit is very attractive and his gentleness and kindness are appealing, we must strongly ask you to NOT fall in love with SAM units if you value your life. SAM has a very bad track record with romantic partners of any length and we cannot be held responsible for any adverse effects, such as death that may occur from pursuing a relationship with your SAM unit.
Q: My SAM unit keeps sneaking out and can expel demons with his mind alone. Should I be worried?
A: Your SAM unit is in "Drinking Demon Blood" mode. You should change his mode to "normal" immediately and see improvements. We strongly recommend you change your SAM model's mode as soon as you notice this, as the natural progression of a SAM in "Drinking Demon Blood" mode is killing LILITH, setting LUCIFER free from Hell, and starting the Apocalypse.
Q: My SAM unit keeps quizzing me on my Latin. Is there any way to get him to stop?
A: Your SAM unit is making sure you are familiar with Latin exorcisms. The only way to get him to stop is to perfect your Latin. Once satisfied, your SAM unit will stop pestering you, and only quiz you once a month to make sure you don't forget.
Q: I was planning a family outing to the circus, and wanted to take my SAM model along, but he refused. Should I be worried?
A: All SAM units are afraid of clown, and therefore, will want to avoid the circus. Your best course of action is to leave SAM at home, and bring him back a souvenir that has nothing to do with clowns.
Q: My SAM unit has donned a white tuxedo and is smiling weird. Should I be worried?
A: Your SAM unit has come in to contact with a LUCIFER unit, and has allowed LUCIFER to possess him. You have two courses of action. You can first attempt to reset SAM (the RESET button is located on the back of the neck underneath SAM's hair). If you cannot get close enough to SAM unit, we suggest you move immediately. New Zealand is nice this time of year.
Q: How do I know my SAM unit is not possessed?
A: All SAM units, like DEAN units, come pre-packaged with an anti-possession tattoo on their chest. We highly recommend getting a tattoo yourself, since having a WINCHESTER unit of any kind makes you more likely to be possessed.
Q: My SAM unit refuses to let me cut his hair and it's grown to an impossible length! What can I do?
A: SAM can be a very heavy sleeper and we suggest using this time to cut SAM's hair. SAM may be slightly annoyed when he wakes up, but will within a few days come to appreciate his new haircut.
WARNINGS:
We are not responsible for any of the following effects that owning a SAM unit may cause:
Spiritual distress, loss of soul, ghost possession, demon possession, angel possession, archangel possession, leviathan impersonation, shape-shifter impersonation loss of limbs, loss of sanity, crippling fear of the supernatural, tears, psychological trauma, death from ghoul, death from demon, death from pagan god, death from cursed object, death by any means, and resurrection from death.
RISK MANAGEMENT:
As a way to combat the risk mentioned above, we suggest you take the following precautions after ordering your SAM unit:
1. Read and learn about the early warning signs of demon blood addiction.
2. Read the book of Revelation and learn about the four horsemen of the apocalypse
3. Obtain an anti-possession tattoo immediately.
4. Memorize your Latin exorcism.
5. Learn how to make both demon traps and angel-banishing sigils.
At this point, we would like to remind all owners and potential owners that these threats and risk are rather minimal and there is no need to freak out; however, we want you to be prepared in case worst scenarios occur. As long as you keep your SAM in "normal" mode at all times, there should never be a reason you will have to act upon the first two precautions. Your SAM unit will know what to do should difficult supernatural circumstances occur, but we would like to encourage all SAM owners to prepare themselves for possible supernatural side effects.
LIFESPAN AND WARRANTY:
While we cannot guarantee a specific lifespan for SAM units, you will find with proper care and precautions, your SAM unit should leave to a normal human lifespan. Due to his focus on a healthy lifestyle, your SAM unit may even outlive other hunter models. However, as a hunter, we cannot guarantee SAM's safety. We are not responsibility for any deaths that may occur from a SAM unit battling forces of heaven, hell, and other monsters. We are not responsible for deaths occurring from contact with LUCIFER models.
For any inquiries, comments, or complaints, call 1-800-HUNTERUNITS.