Disclaimer: Obviously don't own, as this is a) not TV and b) would never happen on a mainstream TV show.
A/N: Set sometime after 6B and before the finale. I meant it to be a smutty oneshot, but it turned into like this Grand Angst-Filled Thing which I may or may not decide to continue. I don't know if I really can because I am actually the most hardcore Polivia shipper ever, but if you want more, let me know in a review! Also, yes, the title is a reference to the song from 5x01, and yes, I am evil (it actually suits this really well, though, if you think about it).
It all started out innocently enough. Peter and Olivia invited her to dinner and she said yes, of course. She had never seen her colleagues outside of work before and she thought it was sweet that they were making more of an effort to include her now that they had their personal drama (mostly) worked out. Still, she found herself feeling oddly nervous as she surveyed her closet, trying to figure out what to wear. She finally settled on a bright red cocktail dress that clung to her figure in all the right places but had a respectable hemline. Feeling daring, she also slipped into her brand new pair of shiny black Louboutins, a gift to herself that she'd splurged on impulsively after a particularly rough day at the office.
"Look nice," Olivia had said when she invited her the other day as the two women were leaving the office. Her colleague had been uncommonly cheerful that day, and the side of her mouth turned up in a mischievous smile on the word "nice." Astrid returned her smile, feeling her face heat up for some unknown reason. Although Olivia was always kind, that kind of friendliness was uncharacteristic, and perhaps it had just caught her off guard.
Why are you obsessing over this? Astrid asked herself, and, with a little shake of her head, she grabbed her coat, kissed her dad on the cheek, and was out the door.
It was bitterly cold outside, as is to be expected for Boston in March, and Astrid turned up her collar, wishing she'd thought to grab a scarf before she ventured outdoors. Luckily she had gloves in her pocket, and she pulled them onto her already trembling hands as she mulled over the fact that it was probably time to get an apartment of her own. She loved her dad and living with him was nice, but she had meant for it to be a temporary measure after her girlfriend of six years had broken up with her last May.
The realization that it had been almost a year since she and Jackie had split up was a bit of a shock to Astrid's system. Jackie had been her first real girlfriend out of college, and she'd cried herself to sleep for a month after they split. It hadn't been an amicable parting. Astrid shuddered as she remembered the way Jackie had prodded her for details about her job when she would come home distraught and unable to talk about whatever gruesome horror she had seen in the lab today for fear of revealing classified information. The last straw had been one time when Walter sent her some pictures from a case, and they were so disturbing that Astrid had slammed the laptop shut and run to the bathroom of the apartment she and Jackie shared to empty the contents of her stomach.
She was still leaning on the toilet shaking when she heard the jangling of keys in the door. Oh no, not now, she thought, but just as she straightened and attempted to lock the bathroom door the image of the dead child came back to her and she bent double over the toilet once again, shaking and crying. Jackie obviously heard her, because she stopped whatever she was doing in the kitchen (making her nightly cup of tea, probably) and rushed to the door. When she saw Astrid's prone form on the floor, she immediately dropped to her knees, flushed the toilet, and laid a reassuring hand on Astrid's back.
"Baby, what happened," she said tenderly, tucking a wayward curl behind Astrid's ear. "Are you sick?"
"No, I'm fine," Astrid replied quickly, getting up to rinse the awful taste out of her mouth. "Work was just tough today."
Out of the corner of her eyes Astrid could see Jackie's mouth pressing into a hard line as she fought to control her conflicting desires to both comfort Astrid and yell at her for keeping the job she'd already urged her to quit a thousand times.
The comforting side won. "When is work not tough, babe," Jackie had said, getting up and wrapping her arms around Astrid's waist. Astrid trembled as she felt her partner kiss her shoulder sweetly. If that had been all she said, Astrid was sure she would not have protested. It was Jackie's next words that forever shattered her relationship with the woman she loved.
"I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Astrid let her eyes drift shut, pain etched in every line of her face as she remembered that fateful conversation. Jackie had given her an ultimatum. Quit your job or I'm leaving. It was the hardest thing that Astrid had ever done in her life, but she chose the Fringe Division. She didn't want to. She bitterly hated that she even had to choose, and if she had followed her own heart, she would have chosen Jackie in a heartbeat. However, there was a persistent voice at the back of her head that piped up every time she thought about quitting, a voice that said that she the work that she did was important. Sure, lab assistants were a dime a dozen, but Astrid knew that not just everyone could handle Walter or decode things the way that she could. They needed her, that broken, fucked-up little family that had been entrusted with saving the world, and as much as she often wanted to, she couldn't simply leave them.
Astrid was startled to find that in the midst of her reverie her feet had carried her to where she needed to go. Her dad and Peter's neighborhood weren't that far apart, about twenty minutes by bus, and now she stood shivering in front of the grand old house, where yellow light glowed warmly from an upstairs window. She was surprised that she even remembered where it was, since she's only been there once, to drop off Walter.
Astrid was about to go in when a flurry of movement in the lighted window caught her eye. It took a moment before she realized that it was Olivia, back to the wall, stepping into a dress from behind a partially closed curtain. Every brain cell Astrid had was screaming for her to look away immediately, but she found she could not. The sight of the agent's bare back framed so eloquently in the window, her long yellow hair pulled out of the way, was too captivating.
After what seemed like an eternity but in reality was probably only a fraction of a second, Astrid tore her gaze away from this lovely sight and hurried to the front door to knock stridently, her cheeks blazing. In a moment Olivia arrived at the door, obviously breathless from running down the stairs, clad in an indigo dress that fell gracefully just past her knees. She opened the door and leaned forward to kiss Astrid on the cheek, and that was when Astrid noticed that the older agent's dress was not yet zipped.
"Sorry, I'm no good at being fancy," Olivia was saying as she led Astrid into the foyer, laughing a little at her own mildly disheveled state. "You're also a bit early. Zip me up, will you?" And with that she casually presented to Astrid the same sight from which she had been unable to stop staring at only a moment before.
Astrid gave a nervous laugh, told her hands to stop trembling, and slipped off her gloves so she could help Olivia. She was close enough now to catch a whiff of Olivia's scent, her usual lavender shampoo accented with a hint of jasmine. Was Olivia wearing perfume?! Astrid filed this odd idea away for further consideration and zipped her up, noticing as she did that Olivia wasn't wearing a bra. She hardly could with the way her dress was cut, as it had a halter neck, but Astrid gulped as she realized how difficult that was likely to make dinner.
What are you doing? Astrid screamed inwardly as Olivia turned around to beam at her and then gestured for her to follow her into the kitchen, where she began to stir some kind of pasta sauce and chat happily. It occurred to her that she had never seen her colleague look this relaxed and carefree, never seen her vivid green eyes look so alive. She noticed how beautiful the older agent was, as if for the first time, but this was a lie. Astrid realized miserably as she made small talk with Olivia that she had probably been making these observations on a subconscious level for a long time. Why else would she notice how nice Olivia's hair looked falling around her face in soft curls, how the little bit of eyeliner and lipstick she was wearing accentuated her already attractive features? Contrary to popular belief, as a lesbian, Astrid was not attracted to every woman she saw, and she had always filed Olivia in the "attractive but not to me" file. As she watched the woman happily stir the sauce, however, she realized that had been a subconscious defense mechanism on her part. There were days when Olivia looked particularly nice – she thought "lovely" had been the word Walter used – but it was amazing what happiness had done for her. Olivia looked beautiful even when she was sad, but with a smile on her face, her head thrown back in uninhibited laughter, she was absolutely stunning.
To her horror, Astrid realized that Olivia had stopped stirring and was looking up at her expectantly, presumably waiting for the answer to some question she had just asked.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" Astrid managed, and was immensely relieved to find that her voice sounded normal enough.
"I was just asking whether you think this needs any more salt," Olivia repeated, and held out the spoon for her to try it. Astrid stepped closer to sample the sauce, and without meaning to, she let her eyes slide shut in delight.
"Olivia," she half-moaned. "That is amazing."
Olivia grinned wickedly. "Old Dunham family recipe. Walter wanted to order sushi, but I shot that plan down…you're not just humoring me though, are you?" And with that she raised the wooden spoon to her own mouth and tasted the sauce with a critical expression on her face. Astrid tried not to focus on Olivia's lips while she did this, she really did, but she wasn't sure how successful she was. She was grateful when the sound of the doorbell interrupted her inappropriate fixation.
Olivia's brow, however, furrowed in surprise. "Now, who could that be?" she said almost to herself, and abandoned the pit for a moment to answer the door. Astrid followed to see, much to her surprise, a blond woman and a girl of perhaps seven or eight entering the foyer.
If Astrid thought Olivia had been happy before, now the older agent was clearly ecstatic. She wasted no time in lifting the little girl off her feet and spinning her around, both of them laughing. She then embraced the blond woman, holding on for a long time. When she turned back to Astrid, the younger agent was shocked to see tears shining in Olivia's eyes.
"Astrid, this is my sister Rachel and her daughter Ella," Olivia said, her voice a bit unsteady. "Rachel, Ella, I want you to meet my friend Astrid."
Astrid felt warmth surge through her at the fact that Olivia had introduced her as her friend rather than simply her colleague. She smiled and waved hello to the little girl, who grinned broadly and ran over to fling her arms around Astrid's waist. Astrid hugged the little girl back, a little shocked but flattered.
"Ella!" Rachel said, looking surprised and a little embarrassed. "Is that how you introduce yourself to people?"
"Only friends of Aunt Liv," the little girl replied cheekily, smiling up at Astrid. Astrid smiled back warmly – she had always loved kids – and went on to reassure the girl's mother that it was quite all right.
Shortly after this interaction, Walter and Peter arrived, bearing a cake and ice cream for dessert, and neither one of them was the least bit surprised to see Rachel and Ella. Apparently Peter had invited them as a surprise for his new girlfriend. When Olivia found this out, she threw her arms around his neck and planted one on him shamelessly.
Dinner was surprisingly fun. The topics stayed light, with every adult in the room mindful of Ella's presence, and the little girl's chatter filled up any awkward silences that otherwise might have ensued. Generally, however, it was a lively conversation, with Olivia and Rachel often interrupting one another in their eagerness to hear about each other's lives, and Walter often interjecting a barely appropriate anecdote. Peter stayed mostly quiet, as did Astrid. She noticed how he seemed to bask in Olivia's happiness, smiling when she smiled, finding little excuses to touch her arm or brush her hair back from her face, and Astrid felt like she was drowning in guilt for even noticing how sexy his girlfriend was.
She couldn't help it, though. Olivia's dress, while not terribly low-cut, showed off her athletic body very well, highlighting her tiny waist and slim, almost boyish hips. She also couldn't help but notice that Olivia was getting rather drunk. Especially after Rachel put Ella to bed and they migrated to the living room and Olivia switched from red wine to whiskey, she didn't seem to realize – or perhaps she didn't care – how much she was imbibing. Walter was drinking as well, which necessitated Peter going upstairs to put Walter to bed shortly after Ella was settled in the spare room. Then it was just Olivia and Astrid in the living room, and Astrid felt herself tense up. She poured herself another glass of wine to loosen up, but she'd already had three and she wasn't quite the heavyweight that Olivia was. As she took a large sip, she felt Olivia's eyes on her and turned to find that the older woman had settled comfortably on the couch a few feet from Astrid and was looking at her with unabashed curiosity.
She didn't have time to ask what had prompted the staring, however, because Peter came back downstairs along with Rachel and suggested they all watch a movie. Astrid shot up from the couch faster than a Jack out of a box, cursing herself for missing the feeling of Olivia's knees touching hers on the small loveseat. She settled in one of the room's two armchairs and tried not to look at the way Olivia was curled up like a cat on the couch, her head on Peter's chest. Fortunately for her, they chose to watch Casino Royale. She was grateful for the action, telling herself that at least it wasn't a sappy romance.
Unfortunately for her, a tipsy Olivia decided to voice her opinion on the attractiveness of everyone in the movie, aided and abetted by Rachel. Daniel Craig she pronounced a solid seven out of ten, saying that he was "hot, but muscles alone don't really do it for me." Peter pretended to be offended at this, but she just swatted his normal-sized bicep and kissed him again. Astrid looked away.
The real surprise of the night, though, was when Olivia asked the room's opinion of Eva Green. Rachel gave an eight while Peter declined to answer, saying he thought it was crass to rate women, which earned him another playful slap. Astrid agreed with Rachel's eight as nonchalantly as she could. Olivia surprised her by looking right in her eyes when she gave her answer.
"Nine."
Out of the corner of her eye Astrid saw Peter raise his eyebrows, but she was too intently focused on Olivia to care. "And why's that?" she asked, struggling to keep her voice even.
Olivia smiled rather wickedly. "Just look at her, she's so sultry and mysterious. I bet she'd be great in bed."
At this, Peter made a disbelieving noise while Rachel laughed. Apparently she was a little tipsy too, because she said, "Better than Marie, Liv? Wait, actually, don't tell me. I don't need to know quite that much about my big sis."
At this, Olivia's eyes widened; clearly she had not been expecting Rachel to say anything of the kind. Astrid couldn't move, but she was sure the shocked expression on Peter's face was mirrored on her own. Who the fuck is Marie?
Peter said it slightly nicer. "Sweetheart, who the fuck is Marie?"
Olivia remained frozen, looking up at her boyfriend. Rachel, seeming to realize that she'd said too much, excused herself with a yawn that, to her credit, looked real enough. "Shit, me and my big mouth. Sorry, Liv." She kissed her sister on the cheek and waved goodnight to the three of them merrily before heading upstairs.
At this, Olivia relaxed. "It was college," she said by way of explanation. "This girl kinda fell for me and I, uh…reciprocated."
Peter looked bemused. "Um, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but that's kind of –"
"Hot?" Astrid and Olivia chorused, the tension broken. "What a typical straight guy reaction," Olivia said, laughing. Peter simply kissed her nose, looking relieved that it seemed to have been a one-time thing, but Astrid wasn't so sure. She'd been observing how engrossed Olivia was in the movie, particularly during Eva Green's scenes, and although she never would have guessed it before tonight, now she was almost sure that Olivia Dunham was in fact bisexual.
The movie ended soon after that, and Olivia insisted on walking Astrid to the bus stop. "I'm gonna go get ready for bed, see you in a minute," Peter said to his girlfriend after hugging Astrid goodbye. The two women headed outside together, bracing themselves against in preparation for the cold. Olivia surprised Astrid for the hundredth time that time by linking her arm with the younger woman's and walking at a meandering pace during the bus stop. Astrid was impressed to find that despite the four glasses of wine and three shots of whiskey that Olivia had had, she was still quite steady on her feet.
"So tell me about this girl," Astrid said, surprising herself this time. Olivia looked at her sharply, a bit startled, but then shrugged.
"She was older than me, a junior when I was a freshman, at Northwestern. I was at a party in my friend's dorm and she was there too. I saw from across the room and I was…I was confused. She was very androgynous, but somehow very feminine as well, it's hard to explain. Anyway she looked at me, took a shot, and then came over and pushed me up against the wall. I was already really drunk – wasn't quite like I am now, then – and she took me home with her to her apartment, but she didn't try anything. She just gave me a t-shirt to sleep in and insisted I crash in her bed. The next morning when I woke up…well I don't know what came over me, but I just leaned over and kissed her. I wasn't drunk anymore, so…" Olivia trailed off, smiling, but her eyes looked a bit distant.
"And…it was just that one time?" Astrid said, wildly curious, her heart beating so loud that she was sure Olivia could hear it, struggling to keep her limbs under control. They had reached the bus stop, but neither woman made a move to step away from the other. At her question, however, Olivia looked away.
"No. We dated for a year and a half…until she cheated on me with my best friend. Who also happened to be a guy."
Astrid made a sympathetic noise deep in her throat. She'd had girlfriends cheat on her before, and somehow it was worse if it happened with a guy. She always ended up feeling like she wasn't enough for them. "She was gay?"
Olivia shrugged. "So she said. I think she was probably something in between, but she'd fought so hard to be recognized as a lesbian by her parents that she didn't want to give that up. She said, though…she said he was like the guy version of me." At this, Olivia looked down, and the light from the streetlight filtering through her hair framed her head in a yellow halo.
"Oh, Olivia," Astrid murmured, so many pieces falling into place in her brain. Instinctively, she knew that Olivia had been even more hurt by Peter's betrayal than she let on, and this was part of the reason. "Look at me," she said, not thinking anymore, grasping the older woman's shoulders to get her attention.
"There is only one Olivia Dunham," Astrid said firmly. Green eyes locked on brown. Their faces were inches apart. In the space of an uncertain, agonized heartbeat, Olivia closed the distance.
Astrid couldn't think. She was all feeling now. One hand tangled in Olivia's flaxen hair while the other pulled her colleague closer. Olivia was kissing her hard, taking her lower lip between her teeth, and Astrid responded with equal passion, pressing as close as it was possible to be to the older woman without actually climbing inside her coat. She didn't know how long they carried on like that, but she did know it was the sound of the bus coming around the corner that disturbed them.
Upon hearing it approach, Olivia seemed to come to her senses. She broke the kiss and stepped away, looking shattered and confused. "Olivia, wait!" Astrid cried out, tears already starting to form in her eyes, heartbroken at what she had done, but it was too late. "I'm so sorry," Olivia choked out, backing away, burying her face in her hands. Astrid started to follow her, crying hard now, but the older woman was too distraught to even register her attempts to console her. Instead, she simply muttered, "I can't do this," and turned away to practically run back down the block. Astrid got on the bus and felt in her pocket for change, her tears throwing the world's edges into soft relief. She leaned against the window and cried until there were no tears left. When the bus dropped her off in front of her father's house, it was beginning to snow.
Only You – Yazoo
Looking from a window above it's like a story of love Chorus Sometimes when I think of her name, when it's only a game Chorus x 2 This is going to take a long time and I wonder what's mine Chorus
Can you hear me
Came back only yesterday I'm moving farther away
Want you near me
All I needed was the love you gave
All I needed for another day
And all I ever knew
Only you
And I need you
Listen to the words that you say it's getting harder to stay
When I see you
Can't take no more
Wonder if you'll understand it's just the touch of your hand
Behind a closed door