Swearing: This is a story about Great Britain and Ireland. There are going to be swears.

Characters used in this (Modified-to-fit-five-characters-and-Hetalia) joke:

England

Scotland

Wales

Republic of Ireland

Northern Ireland

I mean NO offense to people. Please don't think I do. I have an awesome friend from England. I don't hate English people. I do like this joke, and well, I have a lot more. But I am going to change them around so it's not all hating on England. Then I'd feel bad. Poor England.

I don't own Hetalia. Or this joke, it's public domain.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman, and an Irishwoman were all sitting in a pub. Well, actually England's, Scotland's, and Wales' personifications were sitting together while the two Irish country personifications were having their own conversation in the corner with their own Guinnesses. Thank. You. Very Much.

In fact, the only reason anything remotely interesting happened at all is because the three got a touch drunk. The night probably would have gone on without much more than England's shouts about his empire and Scotland putting him into a headlock and screaming in his ear about being a 'wee fecker' in annoyance, but I digress. The fact remains is that the three decided that the Irish needed to be annoyed.

"She's getting on my bloody nerves," England's bushy eyebrows furrowed as he scowled across the room at Ireland, who noticed nothing and merely continued her conversation about bogs with North. Ireland's hair was red, long, and curly and England was just drunk enough to get distracted by the flecks of light bouncing off the shamrock-shaped curl at the end of her ahoge. He shook himself violently.

"Who?" Scotland asked, looking over across the crowded pub. "Ireland? She's always annoying, that one is."

"It's true," Wales nodded. "And North dyed my favorite shirt orange the other day."

"Wanker." England said.

"Well, we know what annoys them," Scotland said with a large grin.

"Hm?" Wales asked, his wavy brown hair falling in his dark green eyes as he scrutinized the two.

"Saint Patrick," England smirked. "We just have to insult Saint Patrick and they'll blow their carrot-tops."

"Yeah." Scotland gave a smirk of his own, though admittedly his was much more impressive than England's. England's eyebrows, though admirable, had nothing on the dark red beasts living above Scotland's green eyes. 'Bigger than a biscuit tin and twice as fluffy as a sheep', people say. But don't touch them, you'll lose your hands and be forced to eat a bowl of haggis like a dog. Don't fuck with Scotland.

"So who wants to go first?" Wales asked.

There was silence. For while they truly were bored and wanted some form of entertainment, no one really wanted to poke the sleeping dragon in the eye.

"I'll go. You're all a bunch a pussies." Scotland sauntered over to Ireland and North's table.

….

Scotland leaned down in between the two. "Enjoying yourselves ladies?"

"It's been grand, thanks Scotland," Ireland took a drink of liquor.

"Not a problem, but I wanted to ask you something."

"Ask away," North took a swig from his own drink.

"Did ye know that," Scotland paused dramatically. "Saint Patrick." Another dramatic pause. "Was a drunk?"

Ireland opened her mouth in outrage and North said smoothly "No, that's very interesting." He kicked her under the table and raised his (thank the heavens and everything below that they were smaller than Scotland's) orange eyebrows.

"Right, yes." Ireland smiled, all teeth, but her foot was grinding a piece of gum into a permanent floor decoration. "Good to know."

Scotland stood there for a second longer before giving a confused look and heading back to England and Wales.

"They didn't care," He said in shock.

England scoffed. "You must've not insulted well enough."

Scotland scowled. "They should've had more of a reaction than they did."

"My turn," Wales said, getting up and walking over to talk to Ireland and North.

...

The two were currently trying not to laugh. "That was excellent," Ireland grinned. They clinked pints and waited to see if anyone else would come.

"Hey Erin, Rory. Having a good time?" Wales asked.

"Yeah, brilliant. Want a chair?" North pointed to the unoccupied third chair at the table. "Some random bloke was sitting with us but he disappeared about twenty minutes ago and I'm not really sure where he went."

Ireland snorted. "Either he found a lady friend or he's being robbed." She shrugged. "What can I do for ye?"

"I just had a question," Wales tried to control the evil smile threatening to erupt on his face. "Did you know that Saint Patrick was an old fat bastard?"

"No, that's very interesting." North took a swig of his drink and kept his face neutral.

"Right, yes," Ireland was better prepared to pretend she didn't care this time. "Good to know."

Wales tottered back to his companions in a daze. "It's impossible. They weren't even fazed!"

Scotland laughed. "Ha. Couldn't do it."

Wales opened his mouth to respond with a biting "You couldn't do it either," when England cut in.

"You're both idiots, it's my turn."

...

Ireland and North quickly stopped toasting their own genius minds when they saw England approaching.

"Hello, having a nice evening?" He asked pleasantly.

"Just grand, you?" Ireland returned.

"Oh, you know, good enough. I did have a question for the two of you."

"Yeah?" North asked.

"Did you know that Saint Patrick," England paused for effect. "Was English."

"He.

Did.

Not."

Both Irelands thought. Ireland somehow managed to keep a straight face.

"Yeah, that's what your two brothers were trying to tell me."

England sputtered in outrage. "You!"

The high-pitched screaming could be heard a mile away, accompanied by feminine laughter. You decide which one was England.

No offense meant. Please don't hurt me! Jokes like this make the world go 'round. I have some excellent ones about Americans and Canadians and all kinds of horrible but still funny jokes. You'll see...

Review please. I'd really appreciate it, even if it's just a smiley or something. Or a joke, because my supply will NOT last forever. Yeah, send me a joke or something :D Please?