Searching .

His head thumped back against the dirty brick wall and Allen had to wonder how long this was going to continue. Nothing had changed. Tyki was persistent though, and seemed to like the challenge. Once again he found himself in the dirty alley behind his place of work, next to the skips, pushed against the wall with Tyki latched onto him. Tyki was doing all the work, and putting in the most effort, so Allen made sure to do his part. He moved back against Tyki and tried his best to respond to Tyki's touch. He never got what he wanted. There was the occasional shudder when fingers kneaded into his skin , and a tingling across his lips when mouths met. The feelings lasted a second before disappearing, leaving an unpleasant ache behind.

Tyki got frustrated with him sometimes, like when he was obviously aroused but Allen wasn't going any further. Most times he seemed to like trying to help Allen with his problem.

Their panted breaths seem to get louder to Allen's ears and Tyki was once more getting heavily into their activities. He was struggling with the buttons on Allen's shirt, while still keeping their mouths busy. Allen jumped with he felt Tykies warm palm slide across his stomach. Then it happened, like in the past, the sickness came and the moment he felt it he managed to breath a small, "Stop". And Tyki did.

With an annoyed groan he let his hands drop to his side. He rested his flushed forehead against Allen's relatively cool one while they both caught their breath.

"I thought we had made some progress."

"I'm sorry," Allen said, his voice soft.

Tyki pulled away and began straightening his cloths. His clothes were almost neat compared to Allen's creased and unbuttoned outfit. With his clothes once again in perfect order, he shoved his hand in his pocket and retrieved his slightly crushed packet of cigarettes.

"Want one?" he said holding out the back, a cylinder already dangling from his lips.

He still felt ill and was continuously swallowing to try and force down the sick feeling. Having a cigarette wasn't a good idea, but he reached out to take one anyway. His hand shook as he took the smoke and trying to light it was nearly impossible. The process of twirling the little wheel on the lighter with half numb fingers was hard, and even if he did manage to get a flame, his hand shook the flame out.

To Allen's relief, Tyki took the lighter from his hands and lit a steady flame for him.

"Thanks."

Leaning forward he inhaled to light up his cigarette and leaned back again the wall. His legs felt a bit shaky and he didn't trust them, it was easier to lean for the time.

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Tyki said.

Allen looked up expecting to see some kind of pity filled look, but his face expressed curiosity.

"Are you getting sick of this?" Allen asked instead.

He was feeling miserable, he had an intense desire to go home, wallow in self pity and maybe, just maybe, eat the entire contents of his fridge.

"Not at all."

"You sure? It can't be fun walking around with a boner and no one to take it out on." Allen said. He was a bit surprised at how harsh his words came out, he was thinking about apologising when Tyki spoke.

"Who's to say I don't take it out on someone?"

For some reason, that hurt. Allen looked down at the ground and puffed away, his emotions undecided on whether they should settle on anger or misery. Both emotions would be directed at himself so neither out come was preferable.

For months they had been meeting in the alley behind the bar, at least once a week, at the most three times, and every time Tyki tried his hardest. Tyki was the only one Allen had ever felt so much with, but the feelings and sensations didn't increase and it was leaving Allen feeling very bitter.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked again, "You're just hurting yourself by forcing yourself."

Allen mumbled something incoherent and wonder about a good way to tell Tyki how he felt about him without embarrassing himself.

"What was that?"

"I want to be normal," he said.

"Define normal," Tyki replied.

The statement pissed him off a little, not to mention Tyki said it with a hint of superiority.

"Normal is being about to enjoy sex. It's being able to be touched and feel… aroused. It's finding comfort in someone's embrace. It's… it's being able to long for someone."

"Have you thought about talking to someone?"

"I'm talking to you," Allen said, clenching his teeth. He didn't feel that Tyki was taking him seriously, and the feeling was not a pleasant one.

"Alright, sorry, but why are those things so important? To you I mean?"

Allen took a while to collect his thoughts, not wanting to just blurt things out like he had before incase Tyki would make a poke at it. While he thought Tyki moved forward and began to button his shirt back up for him. It was a nice gesture that Allen appreciated.

"When I see people together, happily together, I just feel wrong, that I'm not right. I want to able to be that happy with someone. Working here, I see the way the men react when the girls touch them, and I want that too. I don't want to be alone, I want to share my life with someone."

"You can still share your life with someone," Tyki said, moving on to straighten his collar.

"Not properly, it wouldn't be more than friends. Tyki?" Allen said, pushing the man's hands away, "Could you say that if we were in a relationship, a real one, and I couldn't be touched, and there was no sex life. Do you really think you would be able to stay with me?"

Tyki said nothing, just used his hands to smooth down the front of Allen's shirt trying to get rid of the wrinkles he caused. When the shirt was neat again, Tyki moved back towards the door of the club.

"We should get back, your break's almost over."

That was the only answer Allen was going to get, and it hit him a little harder than he thought it would.

"I'll… be right there."

Tyki nodded and went to walk back through the door. Allen had thought he was gone, so he was caught by surprise when he felt two warm hands on either side of his face. Tyki leaned in close to him, brushed there lips together in a light kiss and pulled away. And there was that feeling again, that slight jolt of something else that Allen almost never felt. Tyki continued to hold his head in his hands and let his face hover close by.

"I think, for awhile, that maybe you should try something else."

He kissed him again, giving Allen another rush, and then turned and went back inside. It took Allen a little longer to get over the feeling. By the time Tyki's words had sunk in and Allen rushed into the club after him, it was already too late. Tyki was no where to be seen. The same two emotions appeared again but this time anger won over misery. He stomped back outside and leant again the wall again.

He felt he should be expressing his anger in some way, like bashing his fists against the wall, or screaming really loud. It seemed to work in movies. He thunked his head against the wall, but it just made his forehead hurt, and didn't seem to relieve any pressure. He was still angry, but it was all turned inwards, his head hurt the most and not from thunking it against the wall. He imagined having two vices screwed to his head and the bolt twisting them tighter and tighter. There was an immense pressure in his head and it felt hot and made him feel sick all over again.

"I'm so fucking stupid," he said.

For good measure he thumped his head against the wall once again. Thinking that the third time is apparently the charm, he thunked his head once more. It didn't work, but there was still something that did. He did. He had a job to do and he knew he could let his anger out with music much better than physically harming himself could. The music would be off for a few songs, definitely not something couples could dance too, but it was only a few song.

He made his way back inside.

…

For the first first songs he got some strange looks. Not really expected him to go stomping up to the piano, sit himself down and start bashing away at it like some musically talented primate. But the bashing did it's job and he managed to calm down and think. He played automatically as they were the songs he had played nightly for the last few years. He had to think, and he found that the music he played to allow couples to dance was helping him remain calm. Thinking though, was troublesome. Maybe Tyki was right, and that he needed to try something else for awhile. Maybe he should try girls again? Lenalee was still pestering him everyday, he could give it a shot.

He looked up from the piano and let his eyes glance around the room. He found Lenalee on the dance floor with some middle aged man. She was smiling at the man, not saying anything, and Allen could tell that the man was happy to be there with her. While he could admit that she was an attractive and good looking young woman, he didn't feel anything for her. He looking down again and focused on the keys, not that he need too. No, he was definitely leaning more towards males at the moment. So he looked around again, trying to find Kanda.

Kanda was sitting at the bar with a woman. Allen thought he looked constipated, and was obviously hissing insults at the woman across from him. While even the bravest of customers would have been scared off, the woman sitting by Kanda seemed almost delighted at the brash behaviour. Allen had to remind himself that there were all sorts of people that populated the world, even ones that found getting verbally abused enjoyable. He continued to watch the two of them and looked Kanda over. Once again, he had to admit that Kanda was very pleasing to the eye, and once again, he felt nothing. When Kanda gaze turned to his and locked on to him with a glare, he looked back down at the keys.

It was getting him no where. Looking else where wasn't working.

He thought for a moment about going and seeing someone professionally. Like a therapist or maybe a neurologist, getting his head scanned didn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe there was something vital missing from his… whatever part of the brain it was that controlled those kinds of things. His thoughts were getting him no where.

Out of habit, he glance up while playing. It was something he had gotten use to since Tyki had been around. Glancing up, the spot Tyki usually occupied was empty, and it made his chest hurt. He was so use to seeing the man there that when he wasn't there, it just felt strange. He glanced at the bar hoping that he would see Tyki there getting himself a drink. The only people at the bar were Kanda and the woman he was with. Kanda sent him another glare so Allen looked away. He didn't actually think that Tyki would leave.

For the first time in his career Allen slipped and played the wrong note. He covered quickly and looked up to make sure no one had noticed. No one seemed to be looking at him, but while he was looking he slipped up again.

"Shit," he hissed to himself.

He stared down at the keys and focused. Focused, focused, focused.

When he slipped again he realised what his problem was. The realisation made him stop playing completely. Something that sounded like 'Gah!' spilled from his mouth and his head crashed down on the keys. For once hitting his head against something seemed to help, and the drawn out clash of musical notes made him feel better too. When the final note ran out, Allen didn't even notice the silence of the club around him, or that everyone had turned to look at him. He didn't move, letting the keys imprint little marks into his forehead. Around him people whispered to each other, laughed about it and a few were trying to figure out through nervousness, the best way to ask if he was alright.

"Allen."

He lifted his head from the keys and looked up at Marie.

"Sorry about that," Allen said with a smile he knew Marie couldn't see.

He straightened up and positioned his hands above the keys, getting ready to play again.

"Why don't you take the night off," Marie said.

Allen was going to protest, but stopped, because he really didn't want to be there for the next four hours. He want to go home, curse himself a few times, and perhaps, just perhaps, eat the entire contents of his fridge.

"Alright," he said.

Standing up, he pulled the cover over the keys and bowed to the people that were there for him.

"Sorry," he said into the micro phone.

He didn't make any eye contact as he walked away from his piano, but he heard a few people referring to him.

He made his way behind the bar to retrieve his belongings. Marie followed him back, and took up his place at the bar again. Because of previous encounters with unfavourable sorts in the wee hours of the morning, Allen carried very little with him. He left his phone at home, because answering or playing with ones phone at work was unprofessional, and it didn't matter what someone was calling him for, he was at work. He carried his wallet with him, only because he knew that if he took his travel card out of it, he'd never remember to put it back in and loose it somewhere. He didn't carry any money with him though. He took his MP3 player with him, but it was small and he could easily hide it on his person, he kept the earphones jammed in his pocket, and he only pulled the player out when he was safely on the bus. The only other thing he carried with him were his cigarettes.

Since bulging pockets annoyed Allen when working, he pulled out everything and left it at the bar while he went to play.

He shoved everything back into his pockets, and like always the bulging pockets annoyed him.

He said his good byes, smiled to everyone as he did and walked out the back door, into the alley. He leant back against the brick wall and the door shut behind him with a clean snap. When the door shut he let himself slide down the wall, ignoring the way his shirt got caught and tugged up behind him. He settled on the ground and let his head rest against his drawn up knees.

In a way he got what he had wanted. He just didn't realise that it would hurt so much. He still couldn't feel exactly what it was like to be with someone, but for the first time in his life he knew what it was like to long for someone. Someone physically there and able to come to him. It wasn't the same as when he was younger, and he longed for a family, nor was it the same as when he lost his adoptive father, and wished for his precense. It was a different longing and it hurt in it's own unique way. It was the knowledge that Tyki was there, within his grasp, but at the same time so far away. The only reason he went out the back door was just incase Tyki was there. The feeling hurt, and it was hard for him to comprehend. The feeling was there, it was painful, but it was hard for him to make sense of it.

The new sensation scared him but fulfilled him at the same time. Like going through life with out tasting anything sweet. The first time tasting honey would be shocking, scary, but enjoyable all the same, if you could just get over the shock. He was still in the shock stage, but the underlying sweetness made him smile. He was happy, but his heart was making a new beat that was scary.

"Wow," Allen said.

Feeling want for someone for the first time was amazing, but it still hurt.

"Shit," he said.

His emotions, he wasn't liking them much at the moment.

Figuring he couldn't just sit around in a dirty alley all night, Allen stood up, planning on furthering his contemplations back at home. Whilst in his bed, after possibly, just possibly, eating the entire contents of his fridge.

"Hey man, you got a smoke?"

Turning Allen saw some man, possibly a drifter, possibly a drug addict, who knew considering where he worked. He became overly conscious of the packet of cigarette's in his pocket and had to resist the urge to scratch at his leg.

"No, sorry,"

"Aww, right, yeah, that's cool," the possible drifter said, "That's fine, I mean, if you don't smoke or anything, but hey, do you like, have a dollar I could borrow, or something?"

Borrow a dollar? There was no way the man could repay him said dollar. If it was any other night or time, Allen would have handed over a dollar, or just kept on walking. But considering his emotional dilemma, and his desire to curl up at home and definitely, most definitely, eat the entire contents of his fridge, he didn't care enough.

"Fuck off," he said, turning away.

Then, if it was just another night, he would have been more aware, and he would have noticed the person that hit him across the face before they did so. On another night, even if he had been hit across the face, he possible would have been able to anticipate the next hit. Unfortunately, it wasn't just another night and Allen just didn't have the stamina or the will. The second hit hurt a lot more as well. It made him think of the time when he was a child, running around playing a game of tag with other children. He was too distracted by watching the person behind him, that he didn't look where he was going. Running head first into a wall he split his head open and got himself a concussion.

The memory of the event had faded, but it was the only kind of pain he could liken it too.

"Wha-what?" Allen slurred, no even comprehending what he was saying.

He took two steps back, two forward, and then another one back. He swayed a bit, feeling sick and gently lowered himself to the ground. He sat down in a sloppy attempt at sitting cross legged and tried to stay up right. He blinked up and saw a second person, but it hurt to look up too much, so he looked back down and held his head, trying to stop the way it seemed to be swaying.

"Fuck man, I mean, you shouldn't have hit him, I mean… fuck."

"He might have something."

"I know he might have something, I mean, but fuck man, you shouldn't have done that."

"Doesn't matter."

"I know, I mean, your right, I mean, we should just search him right?"

"Yeah, I bet he's got heaps," the man that hit him laughed, "That place is too expensive, he must have shit loads."

"Yeah, I mean, I guess he might."

Allen let him self be pushed to the ground and have his pockets search. It wasn't the first time he had been mugged, and he knew from experience that it was just easier to comply. It wasn't like he had anything to take than his cigarettes and his Ipod, which was hidden in his sock.

"Hey, hey, look he was lying," the second one said as he pulled the cigarettes from his pocket.

"His wallet is empty," the other said.

"Take it anyway."

Allen made some small groan of complaint at that, he really didn't want to have to go through the bother of replacing his cards. The phone calls were always so bothersome and took so long. Making an effort, he pushed himself up and in response got a swift kick to the stomach and pressure on his back pushing him back down. He figured it was easier and he just wanted to go home and eat the entire contents of his fridge. He let himself get searched and have his pockets turned inside out. Since he didn't have anything, the pair left with his cigarettes and his wallet.

He made a mental note to cancel his bank card as soon as he got home.

Making his way to his feet, he wobbled out of the alley and flagged down a cab. He didn't feel like going back into the club, explaining what happened, borrowing money. He had money at home and could pay upon arrival. It was easy to get a cab from his work. Some nights there was a line of them dropping people off and picking them up again. All he had to do was wait and hold out his arm, and in seconds a cab pulled up. He jumped into the back seat and said hello.

The cabbie was Indian and only stopped his phone conversation long enough to ask where he was going. Allen told the man his suburb and street and couldn't help but notice that his voice was muffled and had the cotton ball stuffed effected. The cabbie drove off, simultaneously holding up a conversation in punjab, texting and last of all, driving. The ride would have been hair raising, if Allen wasn't so busy poking his swollen cheek and tenderly touching his eye that seemed to be slowly shutting. He didn't know if he was imagining it, but Allen could swear his cheek was getting larger as the ride went on.

"Twenty-nine seventy," the cabbie said, pulling up and turning off the metre.

"I just have to run inside to get some money."

"No you pay now."

"Look, I just got robbed, my money's inside."

"I hear that one before, you will pay now."

"Look at my face! Just look at it."

The cabbie obliged and turned around. He looked Allen up and down and said, "You do that to yourself," and promptly turned around.

"W-What!"

Not wanting to argue further Allen tried to get out, only to find the door locked. The cabbie laughed.

"HA! Central locking! You pay now."

Allen leaned back with a sigh, wondering how the hell he was going to get out of his predicament. He needed some kind of collateral, if he had his wallet he would hand over his drivers license. But the wallet being stolen was turning out to be overly problematic. He thumped his feet against the floor and sighed again. Then he remembered the MP3 player shoved down his sock. He fiddled with his sock and pulled the player out.

"Here," he said, holding up the player, "I'll leave this here with you while I run inside and grab the money."

The cabbie turned around and snatched the player from his hand.

"Okay, I'll wait."

There was the electronic sound of electronic locks snapping and Allen leapt out of the car. He raced up the stairs and hastily unlocked his door, which always stuck but seemed to stick even worse, as things always did when one was in a hurry. He made his way inside eventually by thumping his shoulder against the door. Leaving the door open he raced inside and ran to his book case. He kept a number of notes stashed away in various books incase of an emergency. He grabbed a book and held it upside down making notes flutter to the floor. Snatching the notes up he ran back outside… only to find the cab long gone.

"Shit!" he shouted into the night.

He couldn't believe he could be so stupid. The player was worth at least three times as much as the cab fare, of course the guy was going to drive off with it.

He felt angry, but didn't have the energy to release it. He didn't even get the guys cab ID, not that it mattered. Deciding the whole venture useless he turned around and dragged himself back inside. Once inside he stopped by the fridge and grabbed himself a chicken leg. He chewed on it, trying to ignore the way his jaw clicked while making his was to the bathroom. Clicking the light on he walked up to the mirror to inspect his face.

Getting himself beat up could be seen as manly, a reddened and scraped cheek, a ring of blue around his eye, a cut lip. But Allen couldn't help but think about how stupid he looked. His cheek looked like he was holding an apple in his mouth, and during the ride home his eye had swelled completely shut. The thin line of his eye lashes across puffed blue skin looked hideous and somehow reminded him of a pimple in need of popping. He poked at his cheek a few more times before letting out a sigh and leaving the bathroom, shutting off the light as he went.

He went to the freezer and pulled out an ice brick. While wrapping the brick in a tea towel he remembered his vow to eat the entire content of his fridge. It wasn't such a good idea anymore, the clicking his jaw made when he chewed was unpleasant and painful. Instead he made his way over to his couch and figured he would sit down, pop a few pain killers and fall asleep to some trashy television.

He had just found himself comfortable with his pills and pillow in front of the television when there was a knock at the door. He ignored it and went about searching for the remote between the cushions. The knocking became more persistent so he gave up on the search and went to open the door. He had some stupid form of hope that maybe it was the cab driver returning to apologise and give him back his MP3. Opening the door, it was the last person he expected.

"Tyki? But… what? How did you know where I lived?" he said, forcing out words, even as his heart made that strange new rhythm in his chest.

"I came across something of yours," he said. He pulled a black and worn out wallet out of his pocket and held it out. It was his wallet. "It's got your address in it."

"What… how did you get this?"

"I just so happen to know the idiots that robbed you. Unfortunately they are both related to me and employed by me. I came right over when I found it."

Tyki stepped forward and rested his palm against his swollen cheek.

"Don't worry, I taught them a lesson."

"Thanks," Allen muttered.

"Well," he said, moving away from the door yet lingering, "I'll be off. See you around."

"Wait!" Allen said. He had reached out and grabbed the man's jacket without even realising.

"Can you… Could you stay for a bit."

"Oh? Want to try again already?" he said pushing his way in and taking ahold of Allen's face.

"Wait! Stop!" Allen said as Tyki leaned forward.

"What?"

"Maybe… Maybe I've been trying too hard."

He waited for Tyki to respond, say something smart, try again anyway. But he just let go, stepped back and shut the door.

"I've… maybe I've been taking this the wrong way. I jumped the gun a bit, tried to be too serious. What I'm trying to say it… maybe… I… I really," he let the words linger.

"Yes?" Tyki said, stepping forward.

"Can I have a hug?" Allen blurted out.

"Of course," Tyki said immediately.

Tyki stepped forward and drew him against his chest. It was small, but it was there, the thrill, the excitement of being with someone. It wasn't as strong but as Allen leaned against him he realised that it lasted a lot longer than previous times. Allen leaned up and risked a small almost chaste kiss. Tyki didn't take it further like he expected but let him pull away and rest his head against his chest. It felt good, he felt relaxed.

"Tyki?" he asked.

"Hmm?" Tyki rumbled.

Allen took awhile to enjoy the way his chest rumbled against his ear.

"Can you stay for awhile? I don't mean the night, or anything more, but could you, just… sit on the couch with me? Just for awhile."

"Sure."

Allen lead him to the couch, but searched between the cushions to find the remote before they sat down. When they sat down, Allen rested his head against Tyki's chest and tried to make it feel as natural as possible. It felt nice, comforting.

They flicked through the channels aimlessly and exchanged meaningless conversation. The conversation was pointless and often drifted off into silence, but it was never awkward. The channel they settled on was some infomercial channel. They watched muscled men and women work out on machines that did little for ones abs as they claimed. Neither of them minded but continued to converse.

It was nice, falling asleep against someone. As Allen felt himself drift towards sleep, he found himself so utterly happy he felt the need to let loose a small glee like noise. He didn't let the noise out but let his eyes shut.

It had been a long day, full of disappointment, lost feelings and new ones. He was happy, or the closest he figured he could get to happy with his problem.

…

I finally update a story and it's the one no one likes.

But fuck that, this is the story that I like the most and want to explore the most.

However…. TOTAL FAIL of the point I was trying to get across. I tried to make my hands convey something in my mind and once again I failed. It's something I'm working on.

There are a lot of different things I want to explore with this. I hope I can eventually do it properly.

…