Warning: contains spoilers for Season 5.

Tag: 5x08 - The Hollow Queen

An: Here is yet another one. I think I'm going to stop after tomorrow, when the next episode airs. Maybe I'll write a few for that episode. Anyway, this is a full on one shot. It starts a bit abruptly, but hopefully it's all right after that, although, as always; no beta and no editing.

It's also slightly AU.

Please enjoy!

"So," Arthur continued, amusement twinkling in his eyes, "maybe you can tell us all about it."

No, Merlin thought frantically, his eyes darting over to Gwen. She was smiling at him pointedly, the hidden meaning perfectly clear to him. Don't tell anyone about Morgana and the poisoning. Don't tell anyone about me. He didn't care.

Honest to God, he didn't care, because she'd told Arthur he was seeing a girl and it was bringing back memories that he'd tried to hold back for years, breaking down the walls that he'd set up just so he could continue life without breaking down. He swallowed past a dry throat and blinked to hide the moisture in his eyes, reluctantly moving over to Gwen and pouring her some wine.

"And why you're walking with a limp," Arthur added, a look of concern flashing over his face.

"It - it's nothing."

"No, Merlin, it's not nothing. What did you do - fall down the stairs again?"

Merlin placed the wine jug down quickly in case it betrayed his shaking hands. "Yes. That's exactly what I did. I was carrying your armour and I fell down the stairs." He said it in a matter of fact tone and he saw Arthur's eyes narrow in disbelief but a warning look from Gwen made him drop the subject.

If only Arthur knew the real reason for Gwen's reluctance to continue the topic, Merlin thought bitterly.

"And what about the girl you were seeing? I doubt you met her on the way down," Arthur said, smiling at his own wit.

Merlin swallowed again and stepped back, away from the table like servants were supposed to. He glanced at Gwen once more and she raised her eyebrows as if interested.

"Yes, Merlin, do tell," she said innocently.

Merlin knew he had no choice. His throat constricted. "We met in the lower town," he said at last and his mind flashed back to the night when he had first seen her, curled up in the furthest corner of the bounty hunter's cage, her dress torn and ripped to shreds. "She was cold and so I gave her my jacket."

Well, it was only a small lie. She had been cold; goosebumps had covered her arms and great shivers wracked her body. He just hadn't given her his jacket, he'd set her free instead.

Gwen's eyebrows were raised for an entirely different reason now and Arthur's mouth had all but fallen open. The former simply because she knew Merlin hadn't been to see anyone and the latter merely because he hadn't thought for a moment that Merlin was actually capable of wooing a girl.

"What is she like? Do I know her?" Arthur asked.

Merlin shook his head. "No, you've never met. She doesn't come from around here." He remembered once more a tale of a young, forceful man, his mother who was a witch and a poor defenceless girl. "She's beautiful," he whispered. "She's almost as tall as me, even when she's barefoot. Her hair is long and dark. When she smiles, it lights up the whole room."

Arthur's face softened. "Do you love her?"

"Yes. More than anything."

Merlin looked away to hide the tears in his eyes. These memories… they were overwhelming. The last time he had seen her had been at least four years ago and it felt like so much more. Seeing her face in the water flowing from the broken vial had given him the hope and strength to take back Camelot. For a brief moment, he had been truly happy, but then she had disappeared and it had been like losing her all over again. For weeks after, he had felt like he'd been sucker punched, still trying to regain his breath.

Arthur smiled and took a sip of wine. "She sound wonderful," he said sincerely. "I'm happy for you, my friend."

Merlin tried to smile back, and although he was sure that he had failed miserably, Arthur didn't call him out on it. His shoulders slumped slightly in relief, but then Arthur opened his mouth again.

"When do we get to meet her?"

"What?" Merlin cried. "No - why would you want to meet her?"

Arthur looked at him incredulously. "Oh, I don't know Merlin, why would I want to meet your lover?"

"I don't know! Why would you?" Merlin yelped.

Silence echoed through the room. Arthur and Merlin stared at each other. Merlin looked away first.

"You can't meet her," he said quietly, so quiet that he had to look up just to make sure Arthur had heard.

"And why is that?"

Merlin bit his tongue for a moment, swallowed once more and finally found it in himself to answer. "She's dead," he choked.

And with that single confession, the dam broke completely. An onslaught of memories hit him all at once and he staggered backwards until he hit the wall. Freya, fearful and insecure, asking him why he was helping her. Freya, eyes lighting up under the soft glow of the dancing candles. Freya, wearing Morgana's dress, looking as beautiful as any court noble.

It had to end, Merlin thought bitterly. Why couldn't anything in his life go right?

Freya in her animal form, limping away with a wound that was surely fatal. Freya, bleeding out on the stone floor, staining her new dress to a new colour. Freya, in his arms as he ran and ran, whispering and shouting every spell that he knew which might help.

None of them had worked. Why? He had screamed to the forest as he passed, simply a blur to anyone who was watching.

By the lake, Freya in his arms, barely conscious, barely alive, looking into his eyes with something much deeper than Merlin would ever be able to explain.

By the lake, Freya dead, crying into her shoulder.

"Oh god," he heard Arthur say distantly. "Merlin, I'm sorry."

Merlin knew what Arthur was thinking; what if Gwen was in Freya's place? What if it was Gwen who was dead and Freya standing at Merlin's side? For a moment, he allowed himself to imagine it, then felt guilty straight away. Even if there had been a choice, how could he have-

No. Merlin refused to think like that. The past was the past and there was nothing he could do to change that.

Arthur was suddenly by his side, crouched down beside him and belatedly, Merlin realised he was sitting on the floor. Tears were running down his face and oh god, it was almost as bad as it was the first time around.

At least this time, Gaius hadn't just betrayed him and Arthur hadn't just struck that fatal blow, and oh god oh god oh god, what if Arthur ever found out he was the reason Freya was dead? Merlin swallowed and hiccupped at the same time. He resolved never to let Arthur know.

"Merlin? Merlin, are you okay?"

Merlin wiped some tears away roughly with one hand. "Yeah."

He tried to stand up again but Arthur's hand stopped him. "No," the older man said. "You're not to move."

"Should I get Gaius?" Gwen asked, her voice full of fake concern.

"Yes," Arthur replied quickly as if Merlin couldn't hear. "Quickly. Oh god, Merlin, I'm so sorry."

"S'not your fault," Merlin said even though it damn well was. No, he reminded himself, you're not going to tell him - he will never know.

Arthur sat down properly, back against the wall, just like Merlin was so that they were shoulder to shoulder. For a while, they didn't speak. Merlin simply tried to regain his composure, wiping the tears away as fast as they came, trying to block the memories of roses and strawberries.

"What was her name?" Arthur asked when the silence had gone on for too long.

"Freya," Merlin whispered. "Her name was Freya. I was visiting her grave."

"Freya," Arthur mused. "If she was even half as lovely as you say, then I'm sure she was amazing."

"Lovely? Freya was more than lovely. She was the kindest, sweetest person I've ever met and she didn't even know it." Merlin smiled wistfully. "When I tried to help her, she was too busying wondering why I was even making the effort that she hardly realised what we were doing."

"I would have loved to meet her."

No you wouldn't, Merlin thought but he didn't say anything. Arthur didn't need to know that Freya was a druid either. "We were going to run away together," he said.

"What?!" Arthur exclaimed, his head snapping around to look at Merlin.

"We were going to go somewhere far away, somewhere with a lake in a forest surrounded by mountains. With strawberries."

Arthur visibly swallowed his surprise down. "What happened?" he asked in a controlled voice.

"She died."

oh god, Freya, please no

"I'm sorry."

"You already saved me."

dead

whywhywhy

Merlin snapped back to the present, to Arthur's unreadable face. "I tried to save her. I did everything I could but nothing worked. It was - she was in my arms, Arthur, bleeding to her death and there was nothing I could do. I watched her die."

"Gods Merlin, I'm sorry."

Then there was a scuffle as they were both moving and suddenly they were hugging, Merlin's forehead pressed against Arthur's shoulder. He didn't pause to think that this was probably the most contact he'd ever had with Arthur while conscious. He didn't stop to think about how this was probably the first time they'd ever hugged.

He didn't think at all.

"When did it happen?" Arthur said softly, his breath disturbing Merlin's hair.

"Over seven years ago. It still feels like yesterday."

"But - that was while you were living here, in Camelot. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"It was just before the dragon attack, Arthur, there was no time. So many people were injured and dying all the time, what was my loss compared to all that?"

Merlin saw Arthur's mind begin to work harder, saw the pieces click into place.

"That's why you were acting so upset - and why you were missing all the time. And Morgana's dress!" Arthur laughed. "It was for Freya, wasn't it."

"Yes."

"You should have told me, Merlin. You're my friend. I could have helped." Arthur sighed and wearily rubbed his face. "Merlin, you're not alone. Me, Gwen, we're both here for you, always. We'll do whatever we can to help you."

Merlin forced himself not to flinch at Gwen's name. Arthur didn't know. Arthur couldn't know because the knowledge would kill him. Morgana and Agravaine had seen to that. He pulled himself away from Arthur and leant against the wall once more. "I know," he said at last.

"Good." Arthur looked at him. "Do I have to cheer you up?"

"If it involves any punching or grabbing me around the neck, then no," Merlin retorted quickly. "See? I'm smiling."

"Hmm."

"Anyway. I should get going. I have chores to do." Merlin sprung to his feet and wiped his face of all moisture.

"Wait!" Arthur pushed himself up. "You're upset. You should be resting, not working."

"No, there are some things I need to do. Although, if you're really concerned about me, you could give me the day off tomorrow."

"Sure, if I wanted you in the tavern. You're to be at my chambers tomorrow morning… at the ninth bell."

Merlin let a quick smile flash across his face, one of his fake ones he reserved for occasions like this where he had to convince everyone that he was fine. "Thank you."

"Yes, well, can't have my servant fainting on me again," Arthur said quickly.

"Of course not."

Merlin bowed mockingly and saw Arthur visibly repress the urge to throw something at him. He sent a cheeky grin at his master then all but ran out of the room. After all, Arthur didn't have that much self control.

He was a bit subdued as he made his way back to Gaius's chambers, but then, Gwen was still on the loose with murderous intentions towards Arthur and Daegal had just died. However, there was now a light in his eyes that hadn't been there for a long time. Hope. Hope that some day, his destiny might just come true. Hope that some day, Arthur would know the truth.

It was a small step, but it was a step nonetheless and that was all Merlin needed. After all, he needed big steps to cope with his destiny, he would have given up long ago.

Maybe, he thought to himself, his pace picking up with a small seed of happiness, maybe Arthur was ready now.

Nah. When the prat learnt to dress himself, he might believe it. But for now all he had to do was wait.