Epiphanies

Disclaimer: In no way, shape, or form do I own anything to do with The Big Bang Theory (except DVDs). CBS, Chuck Lorre, and Bill Prady have that honor. I am just a fan.

This is a sequel to my previous stories, The English Element, The Verbal Variant and The Evolution of Shamy.

Chapter 1 [Occurs between the first and second halves of the last chapter of The Verbal Variant]

Howard and Bernadette walked into Leonard and Sheldon's apartment to find Leonard, Penny, Sheldon and Amy waiting for them. Leonard's usual armchair had been moved to make room for a draped easel.

"Okay, what's so important that you dragged us up here on a Saturday afternoon? Howie wouldn't tell me anything. And where are Raj and Katherine?" Bernadette demanded as she and Howard sat down.

"Yeah, why did they get to escape?" Penny asked.

Sheldon stood up. "Raj and Katherine are not here as they are the reason for this gathering. Last Wednesday night, Raj informed the male members of our social group of his intention to ask Katherine to become affianced." Bernadette and Amy squealed and Penny looked confused.

"Affianced means engaged Penny. Raj is going to propose to Katherine." Leonard explained. Penny joined in the squealing.

When the girls had settled down, Sheldon continued. "Raj intends to propose this coming Thursday and he has requested our assistance with his plan." Sheldon removed the covering from the easel to reveal a whiteboard.

Penny listened to Sheldon with part of her mind as she thought about the idea of Raj proposing to Katherine. I can't believe Raj is going to be engaged! Of course Katherine will say yes. She is crazy in love with Raj. She already has names picked out for their kids! Raj married…I still can't believe he actually found a girl he can talk to sober. Penny glanced around the room. What a change from when I moved in! I'm not the only girl in the room anymore. If someone had told me five years ago that Howard and Raj would be the first ones of these guys to get married, I never would've believed it… Gosh it's going to be weird having half the group married. Even Sheldon has a girlfriend! Everyone is so happy…except me. Penny stiffened slightly at the shock of the thought. Leonard noticed and touched her arm with wordless concern. She managed a smile to reassure him and he turned his attention back to Sheldon diagraming the proposal. It's true, I'm not happy…but why? Leonard is great. He's the nicest guy I've ever dated. And he tries so hard. No other guy has tried to do anything for me except get me into bed. Penny forced her attention back to Sheldon.

When everyone knew their part in the proposal to Sheldon's satisfaction, Howard and Bernadette went home, Amy and Sheldon went out to dinner and Penny crossed the hall to get ready for dinner shift at The Cheesecake Factory. It was busy enough at the restaurant to keep her mind on work, but her unhappiness was lurking in the background. When she got home she poured a glass of wine and ran a bubble bath. The hot water relaxed her tired muscles and she took a hefty swallow of wine. Leaning her head against the wall, she stared at the ceiling and tried to figure out why she was unhappy.

Well for starters I'm not a famous actress yet. I'm still waitressing after nine years of auditions. Nine years! And all I have to show for it is one stinking hemorrhoid commercial! I always got the leads in the plays in high school and I was so sure when I came out here that I'd be a star in no time. Penny took another drink of wine. I should have brought the bottle. She swirled the remaining wine around in the glass. Maybe I should give up on acting…but then, what would I do? I don't want to be a waitress forever, but I don't know anything else.

Her eye fell on a picture of herself that her parents had taken the day she left Nebraska. I thought I had it all figured out back then. I came out here, got a waitressing job to pay the bills, found an agent and started auditioning. I was so dazzled by being in L.A., the nightclubs, walking on Rodeo Drive to window shop and see celebrities, palm trees, and the ocean. Then I met Kurt and moved in with him. Living with a guy when I was only eighteen, what the hell was I thinking? He got me that job as a cocktail waitress, told me it was a great way to meet people in the industry. Then I let him convince me to drop out of community college to focus on my acting career. I thought I was in love with him. I trusted him, and the whole time we were together he was cheating on me. And then after that I just jumped from one relationship to the next. Every time with jerks. I think Leonard is the only guy I've ever dated that hasn't cheated on me, or done something awful like blog about our sex life.

Penny sighed. The water was cold and her fingers were pruney so she got out of the tub. Leonard is great, but is it fair to him to stay with him when I am so confused? Maybe I should break up with him so I can focus on getting my life together. He deserves to be with someone smart with a career. Sometimes I don't know why he ever broke up with Katherine. I was so jealous when they were dating, she's smart, she's a professor at Caltech, she likes the same movies and books, she actually likes going to Renaissance festivals and comic conventions. That's the sort of girl Leonard should be with.

Penny continued thinking about her relationship and her career as she got ready for bed. She dried off, brushed her teeth and put on her pajamas. She climbed into bed and took the preserved snowflake out of the drawer of her nightstand and stared at it. Penny remembered how agonizing it was to wait out the three months that Leonard was in the Artic. She had worried that something would happen to him and he would never know how she felt because she had been too afraid to tell him before he left. And she never had told him, she'd just jumped him. She'd been so overwhelmed by how she felt when she kissed Leonard that she'd leapt at the excuse to send him to Texas after Sheldon. By the time he'd returned she had successfully wrangled her emotions under control. And she'd kept them there.

Penny put the snowflake away and turned off the light. I wish I knew what to do. I need to make some sort of change.

Author note: I would love to hear any thoughts, comments or constructive criticism so please review.