Rating: R or FRAO
Warnings: Slash, language, m/m sex, dark theme, talk of suicide.
Themes: Tibbs Holiday story, Christmas 2011. Gibbs/DiNozzo, established relationship, angst.
Spoilers:Mentions of episodes up to 9x10, Sins of the Father.

Part 3

Dr. Rachel Cranston: "So, you're ok?"
Tony DiNozzo: "I'm not dead."

To Tony, their bedroom is both a refuge and dangerous place. It's not just the dreams – nightmares – he sometimes has. He can deal with those on his own, usually, although they tend to get more frequent as the holidays approach. For some reason, this year they're really bad but Tony shrugs it off because they'll fade after the new year begins.

Bed means sex, of course, and although Tony enjoys sex, he really loves making love, when they're both on the same page and Gibbs takes him slowly to the brink and beyond and Tony can give all of himself to Gibbs and manage to lose himself in the process. There is a steep price to pay for the intimacy he shares with Gibbs – Tony is expected to open up and that, Tony finds, is a very difficult thing to do.

For a man who can speak volumes with just one look, and who can go for days without speaking a single word, Gibbs is surprisingly talkative in bed. He likes to talk dirty, to talk to Tony about what Tony means to him, and to even talk about what he's feeling. Who'd have thought? As soon as the bedroom door is shut it's as if someone flips a switch and a sensuous, caring, and very giving Gibbs appears. He's demanding, too, which is good on a physical level. Tony likes his sex a bit rough, and a take-no-prisoners, alpha-male Gibbs is what man-on-man sex is all about for Tony, all heavy muscles and hard embraces, so that's not the problem. The problem is that Gibbs also wants Tony to talk about what's going on in his mind.

The first time Gibbs ever asked Tony what he was thinking after a no-holds-barred bout of hot sex that left Tony gasping and unable to form any intelligible words, Tony was positive that Gibbs was putting him on. It took him a while to get that this wasn't the usual office-hours "What the hell's the matter with you, DiNozzo?" This was Gibbs wanting to really and truly know Tony on a whole different level, and it took time, and a whole lot of trust, for Tony to even begin to open up.

Gibbs always seems to want more from him, and Tony understands that this isn't some casual investigation looking for clues as to how he ticks. This is Gibbs' way of making Tony say aloud what Gibbs already knows. "I want to hear you say it," Gibbs says bluntly. To say it aloud is the first step to accepting it. That's the theory, anyway, and Dr. Rachel, who has refined her own method of digging around in Tony's brain, and seems intent upon making him squirm like a fish on a short-shank hook until he spills, would approve of Gibbs' methods.

"Blackmail," Tony says accusingly when Gibbs wrestles him to their bed after things get too heated on the couch in the living room. They'd turned out the lights on the Christmas tree and locked the front door, and had hung onto each other as they navigated the stairs, one kiss at a time.

"You got a point, Tony?"

Tony is naked, his arms pinned at his sides by Gibbs' rough hands, which feels good, but Tony raises his head and bites Gibbs on the chin, grinning at the look of surprise on Gibbs' face. "Sex first, talk later," Tony negotiates.

Gibbs' grip intensifies and Tony knows he'll have bruises come morning. Gibbs knows it, too. "Tell me now," Gibbs demands. "Because once I take your dick in my mouth, you know you won't be able to speak."

Tony wishes that were the case so he licks his bottom lip and eyes Gibbs' mouth, wanting that mouth on him, on any part of him, sucking and licking and working its usual magic. Gibbs dips his head for a kiss, tender and thorough, but when he's accomplished what he's set out to do, he pulls back and looks into Tony's eyes, waiting. He won't let it go. Tony has to look away, afraid that once he starts talking that he'll never stop, and he's sure that whatever spews from his lips is going to be ugly and will put Gibbs out of the mood forever. He shrugs with a sort of allover body wriggle and feels Gibbs' dick harden where it's pressed against his thigh.

"Tell me," Gibbs says in Tony's ear, his hot breath making Tony shiver right down to his knees.

"Please…" Tony whispers, swallowing hard. "You don't want to know…"

Tony makes the mistake of turning his head Gibbs' way again and finds that Gibbs is looking in his eyes with too much understanding to be comfortable. "I already know, Tony," Gibbs says with compassion.

Anger and frustration rise and crest and Tony struggles with himself, and writhes within Gibbs' grip, for real this time, bucking his hips, his mouth tight and rebellious. Gibbs won't release him so Tony blurts, "If you already know so fucking much, then why are you asking? Why the fuck do you keep asking? You know…you know I don't want to…" Tony closes his eyes, willing himself to keep it together, to let the wave peak and plunge and dissipate, but his breathing is erratic and he's falling apart. "I don't want this," he whispers shakily, and closes his eyes.

There's a hand on his head, stroking his hair away from his forehead so gently it almost brings him to tears, and he realizes that Gibbs is no longer restraining him. For some reason that puts Tony over the edge. "Why aren't you holding me?" His voice sounds tight and he worries that Gibbs is giving up on him. "You never let me go," he protests. Gibbs never gives him a break so why now? "Hold me, Jethro," pleads Tony.

"Shhh. I've got you." Gibbs kisses him again, shifting his weight so their groins slide against each other, slick and hot, and Tony arches and wraps his arms around Gibbs' waist, drawing him as close as he can to his body. A warm hand slips under Tony's ass and the pressure of Gibbs' fingers working his muscles makes Tony moan.

With a catch in his voice, Tony says, "It's been three months, Jethro. Three damned months and I still can't remember everything, and I keep getting these flashes that have nothing to do with the shooting. You know old home movies when the film jumps out of the sprocket and flaps around? Like that. They come at me, hit me without any warning. They're like…like visions or something and I see people I know walking around in old films and now I can't even watch my favorite Christmas movie because George Bailey keeps turning into Brenda and she drives the car, this old Ford, into a tree and when she staggers away from the crash she heads for the bridge, and she's going to jump and I scream at her not to, but she won't listen to me and…"

Gibbs is running a calloused palm across Tony's cheek and Tony realizes his face is wet and when he tries to take a breath it sounds like a sob. He's choking and the water is over his head and he can't breathe. He tries to swim his way to the light but the undertow has him in its clutches and he flings his arms out beseechingly, reaching desperately for the surface that's too far above him. Next thing he knows he's on the floor with Gibbs' arms around him, calming him and talking him down from his panic. Tony buries his face in Gibbs' neck and inhales his scent and tries to take deep breaths. "So-sorry," he stutters, hating this, but Gibbs makes noises that say there's nothing to be sorry about.

They're back in bed and Tony is in Gibbs' arms, safe, hoping that his meltdown doesn't mean he won't be getting any sex that night. Tony realizes he must be feeling better if his mind is thinking about sex. Gibbs kisses him and Tony reciprocates, hungry for more, trying really hard not to clutch at Gibbs' shoulders.

Gibbs runs a hand up and down Tony's back in long sweeps, matching the strokes of his tongue inside Tony's mouth. After a while Gibbs prompts, "The woman on the bridge."

Tony shakes his head and tries not to think about her, but the heavy snow is swirling around her pale gray figure, obscuring her features, and she's moving away, heading for the bridge. He wants, he needs to see her, to look her in the face, to tell her – to beg her – not to jump. "I called to her, yelled at her not to do it," Tony says quietly. "I grabbed her hand and tried to drag her away from the edge."

"You couldn't stop her?"

He shakes his head against Gibbs' shoulder and closes his eyes even though that brings the pictures to life one again. "She won't listen and I'm not big enough to stop her. I'm just a kid and she's stronger than me." She looks at Tony with blank eyes, "as if she doesn't know me, as if I'm not her own son," and then she turns away without saying anything, not even goodbye. He loses his grip and she walks purposefully to the railing "and then she's gone, just…gone."

Every Christmas he goes through the same thing; he relives it, sees his mother making that last, terrible choice. Tony wonders why Gibbs hasn't given up on him yet, why he hasn't said, "Get over it, DiNozzo. Get your head on straight and don't come back 'til you do." But Gibbs – his Gibbs, the man who holds onto him when Tony experiences his distorted old memories yet again, who comforts him through his tears, and his anger and self-recrimination, the man who Tony trusts with this burden – never lets him go.

Gibbs plants kisses on Tony's forehead and then on his mouth, giving as much as he takes, all sweeps of his tongue and pressure in the right places. It takes a while for Tony to become aroused again, but Gibbs is indulgent and loving and he dives right in. Gibbs knows where to touch Tony to bring him to the surface and together they ride the crest and come up breathless and wanting more.

Tony encourages Gibbs with his hands and his mouth, with small moans and desperate whines, but Gibbs ignores Tony's entreaties and takes his sweet time. Bastard.

"I'm going to fuck you with my tongue and when you beg me for more I'm gonna use my fingers, and when you think you can't take it any more I'll fuck you with my dick 'til you pass out," Gibbs promises.

The heat builds until Tony is well past the point of being able to do much else but clutch at Gibbs and moan and twist and gasp, and when Tony thinks he can't stand another minute of it, Gibbs gives him what he wants and slides inside his welcoming body.

Gibbs calls out Tony's name when he comes and Tony shudders underneath him and finally lets go, and the final reel of the film plays exactly as Gibbs predicted and everything fades to black.

-...-

Gibbs saves Tony from drowning and makes Tony think that maybe he can make it through another Christmas, and that, Tony knows, is one miracle he can truly believe in.

***~*** end ***~***