***************************************************************
There is a magical operation of maximum importance - the initiation of a new aeon. When it becomes nessecary to utter a word, the whole planet must be bathed in blood...
***************************************************************
Screams are heard and flames are felt as Vampire after Vampire is put to death. The Sarafan laugh at the slaughter of their enemies, revelling in their genocidal war. The scene ripples, and we are looking at it through the scrying pool of the Circle of Nine, who watch in satisfaction as the undead are sent to the great beyond. As the carnage continues, one of the Circle turns to another, a look of concern on his face.
Guardian 1: My friend, did you hear that?
Guardian 2: Hear what?
Guardian 1: I thought I heard a weird voice, going on about aeons, words, blood, and stuff.
Guardian 2: I see...
Guardian 1: It is an ill omen, I tell you!
Guardian 2: Yes. Tell me, is it as ill an omen as the last voice? The one that told you to run naked except for a full coating of blue body-paint through the Sorceress' private bedrooms?
Guardian 1: It wasn't what it looked like! It was vital to the continued safety of the Circle.
Guardian 2: I'm sure. Just like the voice that told you that it was vital to enter into combat with those five Vampires armed only with a small blade of glass and aportrait of a small pink cat.
Guardian 1: What's your point?
Guardian 2: Have you ever noticed that you only hear these prophetic voices when you've gone out on a drunken bender the night before?
Guardian 1: Are you saying..?
The Guardian gets no further, as Vorador bursts into the room and impales him from behind.
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!
Vorador: Er...no, my name's Vorador. You can sort of tell the difference if you look closely. Less armour and more Vampirism here.
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!
Vorador: I said VORADOR!!!
Vorador throws a Flay weapon and kills the Guardian. He stalks another Guardian into the next chamber. The Guardian tries to zap him with a lightning bolt, but sadly he'd used up his battery's power on creating light shows to impress the girls at Big Easy Alice's Brothel, and consequently comes up short.
Guardian 2: MALEK!!!!!!
Vorador: Ha! Call your dogs! They can feast on these sausages I brought them! I believe in being nice to animals.
Vorador kills the Guardian and drinks his blood. He winks at the reader.
Vorador: Just a bit of continuity between this story and Soul reaver 2a! Heh cheh...
Vorador dissapates into mist. A moment later, Malek runs into the room.
Malek: Stupid Moebius, still don't see why he needed me to guard the stupid Reaver if he just gives it to that weird...whoa!!! There must have been one hell of a party in here! Everyone's drunken themselves into a stupor! Hey wait a sec, don't people normally have skin? Or chests? Or heads? Don't..?
Vorador appears behind Malek and slams him over the head with a mallet. Malek tries to get up, but he is chained by all four limbs in Mortanius' dungeon.
Malek: What the..? What am I doing here? Wasn't I just in the Sarafan Stronghold?
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek, you are hereby damned!
Malek: But it wasn't me! It was the one-armed Time-Streamer!
Mortanius: Sure it was! I suppose next you'll say that this "one-armed Time- Streamer" is actually our two-armed friend Moebius, and he's actually the servant of a huge squid-like monster!
Mortanius rips Malek's soul from his body and deposits it in a special set of armour.
Malek: YEOW!!! That'll need a band-aid!
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours.
Malek: They never were before. There was a reason I always wore a helmet, Morty!
Mortanius: You have but one purpose, Damned One. You will serve us for eternity!
Malek: Man, those hours suck. But on the plus side, there's a hell of a pension plan - immortality!
***Many Years Later***
Somewhere in Nosgoth, make up a place, it doesn't really matter, Ariel is performing some magical experiment or other when she hears a sound behind her. She spins around and screams...
Ariel: JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!!!
Ariel zaps the annoying bell-ringers away with a magical blast. She sighs in relief, then hears a noise behind her. She turns, screams, and gets a knife through the chest.
Ariel: NOOOOOOOO!!! My dress is ruined! I had to look forever to find one that matched my rotting half of my face...
****************************************************************************
Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!
After the runaway success of Soul Reaver 2a (and the eventual dragging back of the runaway story, who'd gotten all the way to Rotherham before the police caught up with it), I bring you the second of the Legacy of Kain A series, which is based on the first game in the series. Which is kind of odd in itself, but even more so when you realise that the first in the LOK A series was based on the third game in the series. Er....mummy, I'm confused! Why can't the nasty man write the stories in proper order? And why is he speaking in the external personality in the voice of a toddler? Heeeeeeeelllppp....!!!!!!!!
****************************************************************************
It is night in Ziegsturhl. A young human named Kain is arguing with the bartender.
Kain: And I still say that that the coolest Pillar name is Conflict!
Bartender: No! It's States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: Right you, I'm kicking you out!
Kain: What, no mug of ale for a weary traveler from distant Coorhagen? I can reward you well, for I am of noble blood.
Bartender: Should have thought of that before you went on about Conflict!
Kain: If I go out there, get killed by a gang of thugs, then get resurrected as a Vampire, you're going to be top of my "brutally muder and drain of blood" list!
Bartender: Yeah, right.
Kain: (VO) And so I left - cold of heart and soul. Forced to the road, and the long, bitter night. Not only was I still sober, but it was two pages into MY story before I even got a mention! I sobbed quietly to myself, both out of lack of recognition and knowing that I was going to have to go through chapters of humiliating parody. But there was an upside - unlike Raziel, I wouldn't be plagued by Block Puzzles! Yay!
A gang of thugs attacks Kain and impales him with a large sword.
Kain: (VO) My optimism was quickly being eroded away.
Kain wakes up in Hell, chained to two wooden poles near flaming pools of, er, flame, with the sword still sticking through his back and out of his chest. He struggles to escape, but fails.
Kain: (VO) Vae Victus. "Suffering to the conquered". Well, it would be if it was pronounced right, but we won't go into that. Anyway, it was an ironic battle cry now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as waiting by a busy road for hours, desperate to cross and finally get home after a hard day's work, but rather the cruel jab of impotent...hehehe, I said "impotent"! Er, I mean, the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell, though there was a nasty moment when I thought I was in New Jersey. But all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. Other times, you get socks and jumpers two sizes too small for you, and still have to grin and pretend it's the best present ever. But in this case, I got my wish. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. He insisted on taking my Red Eyes Black Dragon card, for a start, which was my favourite Yu-Gi-Oh card (thankfully, my Magician of Black Chaos was in my other armour). Plus he also turned me into a Vampire, which was a little unexpected...
Mortanius: You shall have the blood you hunger for!
Kain: (VO) Mortanius' words stayed with me as I walked through the flames towards Nosgoth, a walk that lasted almost two weeks. Ever wonder why when you first save the game several weeks have already passed? Do you understand just how long it takes to travel from Hell to a normal plane of existence when you're walking? It's not like popping down the street to the local bakery! It takes forever, and the fact that the floor is made of fire doesn't help! Having a pebble caught in your shoe is one thing, but having a small brimstone flame in there is another! What really sucks is that it turns out there was a teleporter pad I could have used, but I was so anxious to get those thugs and that bartender that I missed it! Still, on the plus side, the service stations that exist between dimensiuons do an excellent tomato soup...
There is a magical operation of maximum importance - the initiation of a new aeon. When it becomes nessecary to utter a word, the whole planet must be bathed in blood...
***************************************************************
Screams are heard and flames are felt as Vampire after Vampire is put to death. The Sarafan laugh at the slaughter of their enemies, revelling in their genocidal war. The scene ripples, and we are looking at it through the scrying pool of the Circle of Nine, who watch in satisfaction as the undead are sent to the great beyond. As the carnage continues, one of the Circle turns to another, a look of concern on his face.
Guardian 1: My friend, did you hear that?
Guardian 2: Hear what?
Guardian 1: I thought I heard a weird voice, going on about aeons, words, blood, and stuff.
Guardian 2: I see...
Guardian 1: It is an ill omen, I tell you!
Guardian 2: Yes. Tell me, is it as ill an omen as the last voice? The one that told you to run naked except for a full coating of blue body-paint through the Sorceress' private bedrooms?
Guardian 1: It wasn't what it looked like! It was vital to the continued safety of the Circle.
Guardian 2: I'm sure. Just like the voice that told you that it was vital to enter into combat with those five Vampires armed only with a small blade of glass and aportrait of a small pink cat.
Guardian 1: What's your point?
Guardian 2: Have you ever noticed that you only hear these prophetic voices when you've gone out on a drunken bender the night before?
Guardian 1: Are you saying..?
The Guardian gets no further, as Vorador bursts into the room and impales him from behind.
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!
Vorador: Er...no, my name's Vorador. You can sort of tell the difference if you look closely. Less armour and more Vampirism here.
Guardian 3: MALEK!!!!!
Vorador: I said VORADOR!!!
Vorador throws a Flay weapon and kills the Guardian. He stalks another Guardian into the next chamber. The Guardian tries to zap him with a lightning bolt, but sadly he'd used up his battery's power on creating light shows to impress the girls at Big Easy Alice's Brothel, and consequently comes up short.
Guardian 2: MALEK!!!!!!
Vorador: Ha! Call your dogs! They can feast on these sausages I brought them! I believe in being nice to animals.
Vorador kills the Guardian and drinks his blood. He winks at the reader.
Vorador: Just a bit of continuity between this story and Soul reaver 2a! Heh cheh...
Vorador dissapates into mist. A moment later, Malek runs into the room.
Malek: Stupid Moebius, still don't see why he needed me to guard the stupid Reaver if he just gives it to that weird...whoa!!! There must have been one hell of a party in here! Everyone's drunken themselves into a stupor! Hey wait a sec, don't people normally have skin? Or chests? Or heads? Don't..?
Vorador appears behind Malek and slams him over the head with a mallet. Malek tries to get up, but he is chained by all four limbs in Mortanius' dungeon.
Malek: What the..? What am I doing here? Wasn't I just in the Sarafan Stronghold?
Mortanius: For failing the Circle, Malek, you are hereby damned!
Malek: But it wasn't me! It was the one-armed Time-Streamer!
Mortanius: Sure it was! I suppose next you'll say that this "one-armed Time- Streamer" is actually our two-armed friend Moebius, and he's actually the servant of a huge squid-like monster!
Mortanius rips Malek's soul from his body and deposits it in a special set of armour.
Malek: YEOW!!! That'll need a band-aid!
Mortanius: The pleasures of the flesh are no longer yours.
Malek: They never were before. There was a reason I always wore a helmet, Morty!
Mortanius: You have but one purpose, Damned One. You will serve us for eternity!
Malek: Man, those hours suck. But on the plus side, there's a hell of a pension plan - immortality!
***Many Years Later***
Somewhere in Nosgoth, make up a place, it doesn't really matter, Ariel is performing some magical experiment or other when she hears a sound behind her. She spins around and screams...
Ariel: JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES!!!!
Ariel zaps the annoying bell-ringers away with a magical blast. She sighs in relief, then hears a noise behind her. She turns, screams, and gets a knife through the chest.
Ariel: NOOOOOOOO!!! My dress is ruined! I had to look forever to find one that matched my rotting half of my face...
****************************************************************************
Welcome to Blood Omen 1a - Things to do in Nosgoth when you're dead!
After the runaway success of Soul Reaver 2a (and the eventual dragging back of the runaway story, who'd gotten all the way to Rotherham before the police caught up with it), I bring you the second of the Legacy of Kain A series, which is based on the first game in the series. Which is kind of odd in itself, but even more so when you realise that the first in the LOK A series was based on the third game in the series. Er....mummy, I'm confused! Why can't the nasty man write the stories in proper order? And why is he speaking in the external personality in the voice of a toddler? Heeeeeeeelllppp....!!!!!!!!
****************************************************************************
It is night in Ziegsturhl. A young human named Kain is arguing with the bartender.
Kain: And I still say that that the coolest Pillar name is Conflict!
Bartender: No! It's States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: States!
Kain: Conflict!
Bartender: Right you, I'm kicking you out!
Kain: What, no mug of ale for a weary traveler from distant Coorhagen? I can reward you well, for I am of noble blood.
Bartender: Should have thought of that before you went on about Conflict!
Kain: If I go out there, get killed by a gang of thugs, then get resurrected as a Vampire, you're going to be top of my "brutally muder and drain of blood" list!
Bartender: Yeah, right.
Kain: (VO) And so I left - cold of heart and soul. Forced to the road, and the long, bitter night. Not only was I still sober, but it was two pages into MY story before I even got a mention! I sobbed quietly to myself, both out of lack of recognition and knowing that I was going to have to go through chapters of humiliating parody. But there was an upside - unlike Raziel, I wouldn't be plagued by Block Puzzles! Yay!
A gang of thugs attacks Kain and impales him with a large sword.
Kain: (VO) My optimism was quickly being eroded away.
Kain wakes up in Hell, chained to two wooden poles near flaming pools of, er, flame, with the sword still sticking through his back and out of his chest. He struggles to escape, but fails.
Kain: (VO) Vae Victus. "Suffering to the conquered". Well, it would be if it was pronounced right, but we won't go into that. Anyway, it was an ironic battle cry now I was the one suffering. Not anything as pedestrian as waiting by a busy road for hours, desperate to cross and finally get home after a hard day's work, but rather the cruel jab of impotent...hehehe, I said "impotent"! Er, I mean, the hunger for revenge. I didn't care if I was in Heaven or Hell, though there was a nasty moment when I thought I was in New Jersey. But all I wanted was to kill my assassins. Sometimes you get what you wish for. Other times, you get socks and jumpers two sizes too small for you, and still have to grin and pretend it's the best present ever. But in this case, I got my wish. The Necromancer Mortanius offered me a chance for vengeance. And like a fool, I jumped at his offer without considering the cost. He insisted on taking my Red Eyes Black Dragon card, for a start, which was my favourite Yu-Gi-Oh card (thankfully, my Magician of Black Chaos was in my other armour). Plus he also turned me into a Vampire, which was a little unexpected...
Mortanius: You shall have the blood you hunger for!
Kain: (VO) Mortanius' words stayed with me as I walked through the flames towards Nosgoth, a walk that lasted almost two weeks. Ever wonder why when you first save the game several weeks have already passed? Do you understand just how long it takes to travel from Hell to a normal plane of existence when you're walking? It's not like popping down the street to the local bakery! It takes forever, and the fact that the floor is made of fire doesn't help! Having a pebble caught in your shoe is one thing, but having a small brimstone flame in there is another! What really sucks is that it turns out there was a teleporter pad I could have used, but I was so anxious to get those thugs and that bartender that I missed it! Still, on the plus side, the service stations that exist between dimensiuons do an excellent tomato soup...