Tied Together With a Smile

Issy won't talk to you and you don't know why. She will, however, talk to Sirius. Who is her ex-boyfriend.

School's harder this year. You don't find school hard. But you are now. And who can you ask for help? They'll all judge you.

Your face has matured with age. But not in a good way. In a "Here, have a load of spots and piggy eyes" way. You can cover it with make up, but you still feel it all there underneath.

You know the way you felt after summer? When you had self-confidence and felt good about your body? Well you can forget that. Being back at school the weight's just piled back on.

You used to dream of the Guy and the Wedding and the Family and the House and the Job, but now when you look into the future you can't even picture any guy ever wanting you. You can be the friend (the awkward one who can't get her words in the right order) and the sister but you won't ever be the Girlfriend.

When you're with your friends you feel happy, but in a shallow way that doesn't last longer than the laughing does.

When you understand something (finally) in Ancient Runes you jump up and down with glee, until the next thing confuses you.

When you put together a nice outfit that hides your problem areas you forget about the way your stomach sticks out. Temporarily.

When you're having a good skin day and your make up goes well you smile at yourself in the mirror (with your mouth closed so your braces don't shine in the light).

When you joke with your mates about growing up and having lots of turtles because sods-law-says-you'll-be-allergic-to-cats-so-you'll-be-a-turtle-lady-instead and all of them laugh and none of them disagree, you die a little inside.

You smile, always. You don't let people catch you not smiling. Not even your closest friends. It's the smile that holds you together. If you're not smiling, you don't know what you'd be doing.

It's that big smile that you never allow to be captured in photos that defines you. Lily Evans, the girl who is always smiling. The girl who can brighten up anybody's day. You developed wit as a way of hiding your crippling insecurities. If you joke about them first, how can it hurt when others make the same quips?

A lot, apparently.

There's only one person who you worry can see right through you. He's the one person you hope the most can't.

Because deep down, Lily Evans, you do like James. More than you dare reveal to yourself.

Because what's the point? He may have liked you once, but he hasn't asked you out in a year and who would even like you anyway? Especially James, Captain of the Quidditch team and famously handsome trouble maker. Why would the Great James Potter like you, Mudblood Lily Evans who can't even finish her charms essay because she just doesn't understand it and who still has three essays to write before Monday.

But it's James who sees you at your most vulnerable. It's James who sees you after the make up and the outfits have come off and you're wearing pyjamas and a hoodie and your hair is tied back and your eyes are red from scrubbing away your eyeliner. It's James who is there as you fall asleep on the sofa in the Head's Common Room and your smile slips and so does the single tear. It's James who tucks a blanket around you and adds more wood to the fire and charms your quill to finish your Potions essay.

It's James who kisses you on the forehead while you sleep because he understands and he knows that you're not happy and you're only tied together with a smile and it's James who knows that you're coming undone.

Your eyes flutter open as James writes you a note explaining the finished essay and tidies up around you.

You push yourself into a sitting position and roll the cricks from your neck.

"Good, you're awake." James says. "I was just going to bed. You should probably do the same." And he smiles at you and his eyes twinkle and you smile, not because you have to but because you want to.

"Sure, James." You say. But you want to say so much more. "Thanks for doing that, by the way." You point to the potions essay. Say it. His hazel eyes meet your green ones and you see understanding and you go for it. "Can I get a hug goodnight?"

He stops and turns and looks at you from the foot of the stairs and you think he's going to say No but he doesn't. And so you walk towards him and he pulls you into a hug and you cling to him and suddenly everything pours out of you and you're crying on his shoulder and he's rubbing your back and hushing you because he understands that you're not happy and that you need someone to understand.

And when you're finished he holds you into his chest anyway and asks what's wrong and you tell him everything and you can tell that he'd guessed as much anyway, but this time when you get to the part about having to have turtles his eyes flash and he says "Lily Evans, I swear to God, if you ever have to buy a turtle it will be the day that I am no longer on this earth."

And you look into his eyes and see that he's not joking and those beautiful orbs of chocolate are full to the brim with something you don't understand because you've never seen it before and he looks into your toad-green eyes and says "Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are the exact colour of emeralds?" And you laugh and tell him that they're not and that he's lying and he looks at you as seriously as you think you've ever seen him and says "I love your emerald coloured eyes and I love you Lily Evans. Will you go out with me?"

And this time, like all the other times, you don't have to think. But this time, your answer is different.

"Yes."

~MaryLouise1996