BEWITCHED, BOTHERED, AND BEWILDERED
Summary: "What's going on?" "I'm bothering CJ."

Written with the lovely and talented Ryo Sen.



***
Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered
Ryo Sen and Marguerite



CJ was an innocent bystander. Really. She bore no responsibility for how
things turned out. None whatsoever.

It was, she decided, quite clearly Carol's fault. All that time monitoring
online news organizations had obviously driven her around the bend. There was
simply no other explanation for the sight of Bonnie, Ginger, Cathy, Cleo from
Personnel, and Betsy from the OEOB, for the love of all that's holy, standing in
a semicircle and grinning down at Carol, who was reading--

"'Asked whether the glow after bare lovemaking could be from semen deposited in
her reproductive tract, Janice says--'"

"Carol!" CJ yelped, crossing the last few feet at a near run. "What the hell
are you--"

"Bye," Bonnie said, slipping out the side door of Carol's small office, the
other women following her lead. Alone with her boss, Carol dropped her head
onto her desk and started to laugh.

"Carol," CJ repeated, this time in a loud whisper. "What are you reading?"

Still giggling, Carol slid a printout across her desk to CJ, who picked it up
and did a double take.

"'Can semen cure the blues?' Carol--"

"Can *what*?" Donna said, stopping short in the doorway. Then she waved a hand
in the air. "You know what? Never mind. I just needed--"

"Hang on," CJ told her, and turned back to Carol. "Carol, what's this--"

"Don't blame me," Carol answered, still flushed from her laughter. She propped
her head on her hand and watched her boss. "Congressman Trott cited this on the
floor of the House."

CJ glanced at the page in her hand. "In reference to *what*?"

"Sex education."

Groaning, CJ scanned the article, looking for any mention of federal money.
"Please tell me *we* didn't fund this--Wait," she frowned, "somebody actually
did a study on whether semen has anti-depressant qualities?" Lips pursed, CJ
slid on her glasses and started again at the top of the article, actually
reading it this time.

"I'll come back," Donna decided, hooking her thumb in the general direction of
Josh's office.

"No," Carol told her. "You have to hear this."

"Hear what?" Donna paused, one hand on the doorframe.

"'A report appearing this month in an obscure medical journal,'" CJ read,
eyebrows raised, "'the "Archives of Sexual Behavior," shows that women who enjoy
sex au natural'--and I see that they're using Microsoft's spellchecker, because
it should have the correct French spelling with an 'e'-- 'are less depressed
than those who use condoms--'"

"What the hell, CJ?" Toby interrupted, appearing in the doorway just behind
Donna, who glanced over her shoulder, then moved just inside the door.

CJ peered at him over the top of her glasses; he was giving her a look somewhere
between shock and amusement. Adopting as bland a tone as possible, CJ asked,
"Did you need something, Toby?"

He shook his head slightly, as if trying to figure out if she'd really said what
he thought she just said. "CJ, did you--"

"Semen," Carol explained, her tone carefully neutral, "may be an
anti-depressant."

Toby blinked. "For...whom?"

Donna turned her face away to hide her smile.

"Women," CJ answered, turning back to the article. "'If that's the truth, I
must be the happiest woman on the planet,' says Wifey--'" CJ's mouth twisted in
disapproval. "'--the star of WifeysWorld.com, where she and her husband (yes,
Hubby) open their bedroom to subscribing voyeurs. "I have probably consumed--'"
CJ's eyes grew very, very wide and she blushed. "Okay, skipping ahead."

Carol dropped her head onto her arms again, Donna flushed scarlet, and Toby very
nearly grinned as he took a couple of steps into the small room.

CJ shifted her weight, leaning against the doorframe separating Carol's office
from her own. "'The act of sex is more pleasurable without condoms,' says--"

"Anyone in the world," Toby murmured, hands on his hips. He tipped his head up
and looked at CJ speculatively. "Where did you find this?"

"Online," Carol answered, her words muffled slightly by her arms.

"You're visiting porn sites--"

"It's not a porn site," Donna argued. "It's..." She frowned. "What is it?"

"This is from salon.com," CJ answered with a shrug. "Trott mentioned it on the
floor--"

"Please," Toby moaned, "tell me we didn't fund--"

"We didn't," CJ assured him. "At least, I don't think we did." She grinned,
tapping the papers with her free hand. "I say the study warrants further
investigation."

"Oh, good," Toby muttered. "Let's definitely do that. Maybe a stray member of
the press will wander past and write an article about how the press secretary
decided to poll female coworkers about their sex lives!"

"Okay," Josh said, smirk firmly in place as he watched them from the doorway.
"What now?"

CJ rolled her eyes at Toby. "Good job. The *one* person you definitely want to
get in on this conversation is Josh Lyman."

"Hey," Josh protested. "I'm just a guy walking innocently by. And then I heard
something about sex lives."

Donna turned a saccharine smile to her boss, "Well, that should leave you well
out of it; thanks for stopping by."

"Oooooh," CJ grinned at Josh as Toby ducked his chin to hide his amusement.
"Burn."

Josh snorted. "What, are you in high school?"

"My mama didn't let me read things like this in high school," CJ shot back,
waving the papers around.

Terminally curious, Josh took another step into the room. "What are you
reading?"

"Internet porn," Toby offered.

Josh's eyes widened to an amusing degree. "What? CJ--"

"Something Trott cited on the floor," Carol explained tiredly.

"Tell me we didn't fund--"

CJ just raised her voice and talked over his questions, "'Study author Gordon
Gallup, a psychology professor at the State University of New York in Albany,
thinks the post-coital buzz Wifey describes and the sexual healing Janice
experiences may be caused by some unknown chemical in semen.'" Finished, she
looked up at Josh with an expectant expression.

He frowned. "Who's Wifey?"

"Internet porn star," Toby supplied.

Alarmed, Josh glanced over at him. "I thought this wasn't--"

"It's not," Donna explained, frustrated. "Some guy did a study, and the article
about the study quotes both an internet porn star and some chick named Janice."

Nodding, Josh asked, "Okay, and the study is about--"

"The possible anti-depressant qualities of semen," Donna finished for him. Then
she grinned at the stunned expression on Josh's face.

"What?" Josh asked, his voice rising in disbelief. "Semen--"

"Josh!" Donna admonished, glancing furtively out at the bullpen. "Keep your
voice down!"

"Okay," he managed. "Well. This is..."

"A waste of time?" Toby suggested.

CJ shot him a look. "I don't see you rushing your virgin ears out of here,
Tobus."

His eyes sparkled. "I'm waiting for someone to point out the obvious connection
between the post-coital buzz and the, you know, orgasm."

Donna nodded vigorously. "That's what I'm saying," she said, though she hadn't,
in fact, been saying that.

Josh looked at each of the occupants of Carol's office in turn. "Okay, this
conversation is officially freaking me out."

"That's okay." Donna patted his arm. "You can go and I'll give you the bullet
points later."

"Hey, Toby's got a good point," CJ said, mulling things over. "I mean,
really--men get post-coital buzzes too." She quirked an eyebrow at Toby.
"Right?"

He dipped his chin. "Right."

"So obviously it's got more to do with orgasms than with semen."

"I don't think this conversation could *get* more disturbing," Josh mused, more
to himself than to anyone else.

CJ snorted and went back to the article, "'The women who rejected rubbers were
significantly happier than those using them and those having no sex at all.'"
She looked up at her coworkers. "Well, gee, I can't imagine why the women who
weren't having sex were less happy than those who were. We should definitely
spend money researching *that*."

"Or just look around the office, for free, at the faces of all the happy women
on our staff," Toby suggested, earning glares from Donna, Carol, and CJ, who
resumed her reading.

"'Gallup says this suggests, in the simplest terms, that semen is a drug, and
that it's addictive'--Oh, like it really couldn't be that *sex* feels good?"

"Well," Josh told Donna. "Clearly I underestimated how disturbing this was
going to get."

"No one has you tied to the desk, Josh," Donna remarked. "You're free to leave.
Besides, CJ's got a good point. Sex *does* feel good--" She ignored the
strangled sounds Josh was making. "--so why is it surprising to this guy that
women would be depressed if they weren't..." she shrugged, "getting any?"

Carol raised a hand in the air. "Because the researcher's a guy."

"Right," CJ nodded. "And women--we're not supposed to like sex, right? We're
just supposed to *tolerate* it."

"Yeah," Donna agreed. "So long as *he's* happy, doesn't matter so much if we...
get happy."

Josh and Toby exchanged uncomfortable looks. CJ glared at them, and Carol
frowned at Donna. "Get happy?"

"You know," Donna answered vaguely, flushing. "I meant--"

"Okay!" Josh interrupted. "If Toby and I promise to never assume--"

"Don't split infinitives, Josh," Donna said with a smirk.

"Or *hairs*, Donnatella. As I was saying, if Toby and I promise never to
assume--is that better?--that women don't enjoy sex, could we *please* not have
this discussion without first consuming copious amounts of alcohol?"

CJ, who had tuned out Josh's little diatribe to skim ahead, raised her head and
glanced at Donna. "This guy is too much. 'In a sufficiently bothered woman,
the genitals should become flush with blood--'"

"Bothered?" Donna interrupted loudly.

CJ glanced up from the papers. "Yeah, but my point was more 'Thanks for
explaining how my body works.' I mean, I'm--" She frowned at Toby, who was
unabashedly amused. "--old enough to know how--"

"But *bothered?" Donna interrupted, still sidetracked by the author's word
choice. "I don't think I would ever have applied that particular word to--"

"I think," Toby interjected drolly, "the author was playing off of the phrase
'hot and bothered.'"

"Please," Josh begged, flinging one hand up in protest. "Can we not have this
discussion right now? Or ever?"

"What's the matter, Josh," CJ asked, "you have trouble getting women
sufficiently bothered?"

Donna snickered. "Oh, no, he bothers women all the time. Only he does it in the
traditional sense of the word."

"Donna!"

She shrugged diffidently.

Sam appeared in the doorway, quizzical expression in place. "Is there a thing?"

"Please," Josh said with a pained look, "don't say that right now."

"What going on?"

"I'm bothering CJ," Toby answered.

CJ nearly choked, Carol started laughing again, and Donna hid her grin behind
her hand. Sam just looked puzzled. "What?"

"Don't make them explain," Josh muttered.

"Ah-ha!" CJ said. "Logical flaw. 'A more glaring flaw, she says, is the use of
oral contraceptives. Roughly one-half of the women were using them, and the
study design didn't take into account what type of pill they were taking.'--"

"Oh, that could definitely affect the results," Donna offered. "It alters your
moods."

Sam's eyes were very wide. "What is this study *of*?"

"Semen," Donna offered brightly.

"Ah. And may I assume that no one's talking about, you know, the United States
Navy or anything."

"Hardly," Toby muttered.

Josh, sighing, arranged his hands in his pockets. "Please, for the love of God,
don't say 'hardly.'"

"I got it," Carol offered, sitting upright and fixing Sam with a level look.
"Some jerk of a researcher wasn't satisfied any longer with Freud's penis envy
bullshit, so he's trying to prove that women are only really happy when they're
getting laid, because semen is, according to him, a natural anti-depressant."

Sam blushed. "Oh."

"I don't know why he's embarrassed," Josh commented. "I mean, hell, he gets
freebies from hookers."

"She's a call girl," Sam corrected automatically. Then he frowned. "Was a call
girl."

The rest of the room's occupants rolled their eyes.

"So..." Sam stopped, seemingly at a loss to string the correct words together.

"Women who have sex without using condoms are happier," Donna summarized.
"Supposedly. We're just pointing out the logical flaws."

"Well," Sam nodded. "That sounds... Maybe I'll go--"

"No way." Josh shook his head. "If I have to hear this--"

"And again," Donna interrupted. "I point out that you're not handcuffed to the
chair."

"Now *that* would be disturbing," Toby muttered.

Josh ignored them both and slammed the door, shutting Sam in the small room.
"You're staying."

"Okay, but the First Lady's going to a kindergarten opening and wants to have
some toys and stuff with her for the photo op. So I just came in here to ask
Toby where his balls are--"

The rest of them collapsed into varying degrees of hysteria--Carol buried her
face in her hands, CJ sagged into the doorframe, Donna dropped into the chair
that was tucked away in the corner, and Josh threw back his head and laughed.
Toby just stared at Sam, who had flushed a deeper shade of red.

"The rubber balls," Sam tried. "Those big ones?"

"Flattery will get you everywhere, Sam," Toby mumbled.

Sam's face turned a fascinating shade of fuchsia that somehow managed to make
his blue eyes even more startling. "The red rubber balls. The ones you toss
against the window to get my attention." But each word out of his mouth just
worsened the situation. CJ slid down the wall and ended up cross-legged on the
floor.

After a few minutes of hilarity at Sam's expense, Donna wiped her eyes and
remarked, "You know, it doesn't seem as if they did any research on semen's
effect on men. Maybe it'd be a more accurate sampling, since the Pill and
whatnot aren't factors."

Josh cut a glance at Toby. "Hey, Toby, maybe you should become gay. Fix this
disposition problem you have."

"You gonna give me pointers, Josh?" Toby shot back. Everyone in the room noticed
that both Josh and Sam blushed, but no one commented. "Besides, you don't
'become' gay. I don't think I can go down to the town hall and switch my
affiliation."

"Town hall?" CJ choked.

"Figuratively speaking," Toby said in a mild deadpan.

"Do you get a card or something?" Donna asked.

"Yes," Carol said, her voice rising as she started giggling again. "It's hot
pink--"

"I'm just asking."

"Donna, you have on pink panties again?" Josh inquired, raising his eyebrow.
Donna smacked him on the arm. "Ow!"

"Those were not hot pink."

"Fair point. But they were out in the open, so to speak--"

"*You* are bothering me, Josh. In the literal sense, I'm saying. Oh, the hell
with it." Donna gave up, letting herself double over with laughter while
everyone else chortled along. The sound was so loud that no one noticed that
the door was open again.

"This is a merry group."

"Oh, my God. Mrs. Bartlet. Mrs....Dr....Bartlet. Hi." The various voices
joined in greeting the First Lady. Carol and Donna rose from their chairs and CJ
from the floor, wiping their eyes as they tried to regain their composure.

"Good afternoon, everyone. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to ask Sam if
he's managed to locate Toby's balls."

"God, please," Josh muttered under his breath, biting the insides of his mouth
hard enough to bring tears.

"I'm sorry, that didn't quite come out the way I'd hoped," Abbey said brightly.
"Although I'm a little surprised at the way you're all reacting."

"We wouldn't be reacting at all, Ma'am, except for--" Carol's attempt to hand
the article to the First Lady was intercepted by CJ's quick grab.

"Nothing. It's...nothing."

"Claudia Jean, please. I was most definitely not born yesterday." Abbey took
the document, holding it at arm's length because she wasn't wearing her reading
glasses. "Hmm. Someone's gotten lucky in the grant department, I'd say."

"We were hoping that the government didn't fund this study," Josh said, trying
to sound businesslike but to no avail.

"Oh, Josh, don't give me that. You were laughing like schoolboys over the idea
of making a woman's genitals 'flush with blood.'"

"I am *not* having this conversation with the First Lady in the room," groaned
Sam.

"Since Toby's balls are nowhere to be found," Abbey continued, staring at the
man in question until his face turned white, "I'll leave you with a few words of
medical expertise."

"Oh. Would you?" Josh inquired too sweetly, his dimples in full force.

"I certainly shall. One--remember that both male and female organs 'flush with
blood' but that the woman's contain more nerve endings per centimeter than the
man's and is therefore much more efficient. And two--ladies, remember that
often it takes no more than the mere mention of sexual congress to cause
men's...appendages...to become just as flushed as ours."

The women smirked as they watched Sam inch his way behind the desk, while Josh
reached for the nearest legal pad and Toby buttoned his suit jacket more
securely.

"And if anyone happens to find...oh, anyone's balls, would you please bring them
to the Residence so that I can practice with them? Thank you all so very much."

She swept out of the room.

No one said anything, but Donna's face was scarlet and Carol had tears streaming
down her cheeks. The intercom buzzed and Carol managed to punch the button.
"Yes?"

The voice was Ginger's, only more strained than usual. "Bonnie asked me to call
and tell Toby that there's a Dick Rose in his office."

"You're fired," Toby growled at the machine while the women dissolved into a fit
of laughter.

"Pizza?" CJ finally said when her mirth subsided enough to let her speak. "What
do we want on it?"

"Sau...sau...sausage," Donna managed, laughing so hard that Josh patted her on
the back and looked down at her face to make sure she was still breathing.

"My money's in my wallet," Toby said mildly. "And there's no way I'm reaching
for it right now."

"That's okay, I'll pay for it," CJ answered, reaching for her purse and heading
toward the door to her office.

"You sure that's all right?" Sam asked.

"It's fine," CJ said, leaning back into Carol's office, a wicked grin on her
face. "It doesn't bother me at all."

THE END

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