a·mel·io·rate / to make or become better, more bearable, or more satisfactory; to improve / verb
Summary: Zuko realizes that he's in a (desperate / painful / difficult) situation when he begins to assume the parent role.
Rating: M for Mature; dark themes, character death, mentions of blood, and violence.
Notes: This story is a companion to Convalesce from the point of view of Zuko's troubles. I realized it'll be two overlapped arcs and I will try to have them both updated at the same time to put everything in perspective! The chapter titles will be the same as to properly match up the time periods.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated with Avatar: the Last Airbender or any of the characters portrayed here.
de·te·ri·o·rate / to make or become worse or inferior in character, quality, value, etc; to disintegrate or wear away / verb
Zuko pretends. Zuko ignores. But then, Zuko adapts.
Zuko knows that his father does not like him. The moment that Azula perfectly executes a fireball blast, he feels himself being pushed into his sister's shadow. Part of him desperately wants his father to be proud of him (just for once, he swears) and the other part of him glances at his mother and her warm smile and he knows then that she will always find favor with him. It's the only thing that soothes him when he feels like he's failing.
At least Mother loves me.
He waits in his bed with his feet pressed against the sheets and his hair tied away from his face. He holds a story scroll in his lap, looking through the pictures while he waits for Ursa to come to him. She always comes to him late in the night to read to him, unless he is already asleep, and then she turns away. Zuko has always had trouble sleeping at night. Perhaps it is because, his mother says, he was born at night instead of during the day like most firebending children. Azula, as his mother always reminds him, was born at dawn. He was born several hours before midnight. Even still, as Ursa does not come, Zuko does not worry. She always comes. He expects her.
He does not expect Azula.
The door creaks open and the Prince frowns at the sight of his sister before taking the time to look at her. Her eyes are bright and dangerously tinted, her hands are shaking and—blood, that's blood—her hands are coated with blood. He's afraid. Zuko is terrified of his sister, but it doesn't flicker across his face at all. He stares at the little girl blankly, watching her and waiting to see what she does. He has always known Azula was capable of dangerous things. He doesn't flinch at the dagger in her hand because he knows that even if their father thinks she knows nothing about using it, that he knows she can use it. Only he knows what Azula is capable of. Ozai blinds himself to see only the talents that he wants to see. Ursa blinds herself to everything about the monster she has nursed from infancy. But Zuko is painfully familiar with her limitless range of talents. But Zuko has always been better at combat, despite his sister being better at bending, and while his father considered it weak, right now it left him at an advantage. He gazes at her carefully, trying to calculate whether she will come to him first or whether he will have to go to her (because someone has to do something).
"Zu-Zu," her voice rings in his ears and shakes him down to his core. He knows she has done something (monumentally / undeniably / immensely) wrong.
"'Zula," he replies and hears the (uncertainty / nervousness / instability) in his own voice as it makes its way out of his mouth.
Zuko watches as Azula raises the dagger in her hand to her hair and that is when he moves. He tosses his blankets aside and leaps over his bed, watching the uneven black locks scatter to his floor. In a few steps, he is close to Azula and he reaches for her as she swipes at him. He bites down on his lip at the wound but tackles her to the ground, pinning her hands by her head. She fights, she screams, she kicks. Zuko tries to hold still and he thinks, the horror of the situation setting in. Ursa always comes but she won't come tonight. He hopes that his parents are at least alive, even Ozai, especially Ozai. His father will have died thinking he was weak and Zuko could not bear the thought of losing his only chance at redeeming himself. He stares down at his sister, pushing all those thoughts away.
Zuko leans down to her ear and finds himself (fearfully / hesitantly / anxiously) whispering into her ear, "I love you, 'Zula. Father loves you, 'Zula. Mother loves you, 'Zula. I love you, 'Zula." He can feel her shaking underneath him but he's taken aback when he sees tears sliding down her face. He wonders whether she thinks he is lying, whether she thinks he is manipulating, whether she thinks he is honest. He watches her cry and watches her fight against him and watches her begin to realize that her brother is not letting go of her.
"Stop fighting."
He says it (firmly / slowly / hopefully) and watches her body slump underneath him. For a moment, her eyes appear traitorous but then they change to an emotion that he cannot label. He feels the five-year-old girl coming to life as she leans into him, tears blotting his sleep clothes. Zuko takes her into his arms and sees her close her eyes. He wants to think that this is over, but he struggles in lifting her, wincing as the fabric of her clothes brush his wrist and bring (searing / deep / intense) pain to his wound. In the end, he slings Azula half over his shoulder and ventures out of his room.
There are no guards. The halls are dark and Zuko weakly summons a flame in his bleeding hand, his other arm wrapped around Azula's legs to keep her still. He maneuvers through the palace towards his parents' chambers, reaching his father's first. The drops of blood in the doorway signal him first and he wanders towards his father's bed. Ozai's pillows are blood-stained and the Fire Lord is slumped forward, a blossoming stain of blood across his back. His lengthy brown hair shields his face and tentatively, Zuko nudges him so that he slides over. His body is rigid but still pliable and he sees the wide, golden eyes of his father glossed over, dark veins in the whites of his eyes. Zuko turns away and suppresses (his feelings / his nausea / his heartache).
He's afraid after he carries Azula out of his father's room. He does not want to see Ursa's fate. But hope prickles uncomfortably at his heart and he can't fight it. His feet shuffle reluctantly until he uses her body to push the door open. Candles burning down to a fourth of a candlestick, the lighting dim, Ursa lays still in her bed. "Mother?" Zuko's voice trembles dangerously, tears already brimming at his lids. He takes a step forward and gasps at the sight of her, almost daring to drop Azula. After a few horror-stricken moments of staring, he sets his sister down on the floor and scrambles into his mother's bed. Beautiful even in death, the red streaks of blood pouring down her neck scare Zuko so much that he can only stare, his vision blurring, and his entire body shaking. He shoves her blankets at the wound, less so to clean it and more so to cover it up. He leans against her shoulder, his tiny hands reaching for her cold, rigid fingers, and he cries into the sheets.
Everything hurts. His mother is dead and he hurts more than he can fathom. It overrides everything else and he feels like his body is trying to contain half a dozen lit fireworks as he fights to contain his pain. He climbs down from his perch, hastily wiping his face and reaching for Azula. This time, he lifts her across his hands, the pain in his wrist dull in comparison to the pain gripping his chest. The Infirmary is out of the question so Zuko heads back to his room to gather a handful of his own belongings—a dusty, fire red cloak, strips of gauze and tape from a burn kit, a tiny purse of coins—and steels himself. His parents are dead. His sister killed his parents. He looks down at her in his arms, her face twisted even in her sleep, and wonders whether he can live with her for that, whether he can live with himself for that, whether he should even deserve to live if he can do either of those things.
He only knows one thing, one piece of family left to turn to for this disaster. How exactly he planned to get to Iroh, Zuko hasn't figured out yet. He knows he doesn't have a lot of time, certainly not enough time to rest or do anything else but figure a way of travel. But first, Zuko tries to reconcile with the facts of the evening. His parents are dead. His sister killed them. Ozai and Ursa are dead. Azula killed them. He already had tangled, mixed feelings about his family. His father hated him, or at least it felt that way to Zuko. He died hating his only son. His mother loved him and he knew that she died regretting that she hadn't read him his story for the night. His sister was complicated. She acted like she loved him, she acted like she hated him, and she had tried to kill him.
On most days, Zuko hates Azula. He doesn't want to (play / firebend / live) with her. He hates her in the way that any older brother hates their younger sister. She annoys him, she tortures him, she ruins everything for him. And she has done just that. She has killed their parents. But it is when he finally beats that fact into his head that he realizes that he has no other choice. He must assume the burden that his mother must have carried for her only daughter. He must assume a parental role in her life.
From this moment forward, he must love Azula (or die trying to prove it to her), even though he wants nothing more than to hate her.