AUTHOR'S NOTE
Because Runawaymetaphor posted "Admirable Habits", and as a former (if sadly retired) fencer I recognize a gauntlet when it is flung at me, even from far away and across an international border.
Because my sister-in-law, the first person to read the very first thing I ever wrote - the ur-version of "Choices" - told me, in no uncertain terms, that The Epistolary Novel Is Dead and I should rewrite the thing before even thinking about posting it. (I did - thanks, Ruth.)
Because … reasons.
I own nothing, and borrowed the image for the story from RDM's website - with his consent, I'm happy to say. Honest. :-)
Commanding Reasons
By Alpha Flyer
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager/DF2
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65953.6
Subject: Top Five Reasons Why Captain Chakotay Should Not Be Asked To Head Diplomatic Missions
5. His idea of hors d'oeuvres: I mean, I get that the man is a vegetarian and won't eat anything that may once have swum, walked, grunted, or quacked. But does he have to inflict his tofu-and-seaweed diet on EVERYONE? Especially on an arachnid species that evolved sucking out the entrails of its enemies, lives entirely off other insects, and even now considers the consumption of hot blood as (a) an aphrodisiac and (b) a necessary ingredient of first contact? Next time we meet the Bagh'RAA, I'll delegate the menu selection to B'Elanna.
4. His wife: Seven. Should. Never. Be. Permitted. Near. A. Diplomatic. Reception. Ever. Again.
3. He hums even in the presence of senior officials sent by alien species. Loudly.
2. The need to play your cards close to your chest. I mean, aren't diplomats supposed to consider it an honour and a privilege to lie and obfuscate for their country? Or their Federation? Or even their own personal safety, and that of their ship and crew? So what's that bit about "we're not prepared for war, and we're out here, far away from home, all alone and without back-up?" Oh wait. Sorry. Forget I mentioned it.
1. Because
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65953.95
Subject: Re: Top Five Reasons Why Captain Chakotay Should Not Be Asked To Head Diplomatic Missions
#2: Ha. Ha. Ha. So not funny, Commander. Remember that not too long ago you were a mere Ensign? Would you like to become one again? I'm sure Lt Harry Kim would enjoy that.
#1: "Because" is not a reason, Thomas. Unless your transmission cut out? Having technical problems? Tell B'Elanna the third isolinear chip array that operates the deflector shield sometimes arcs and cuts across the comms matrix and causes disruption. Let me know if that helps.
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65955.2
Subject: Re: Top Five Reasons Why Captain Chakotay Should Not Be Asked To Head Diplomatic Missions
Tom? You out there? You realize it is impolitic to ignore your former Captain, and a member of the admiralty?
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65956.8
Subject: Re: Top Five Reasons Why Captain Chakotay Should Not Be Asked To Head Diplomatic Missions
Thomas Eugene Paris. Cut the bullshit and respond. You're beginning to worry me.
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65958.4
Subject: Thanks
I knew you'd figure it out eventually. Sorry to be so obscure there, but I knew the Bagh'RAA were monitoring the subspace frequencies, so …
Thanks for asking Starfleet to send the Prometheus out; she really is fast, a real beaut and helpful in a fight. I couldn't have retaken Voyager with just the Delta Flyer, even once I managed to bring the Doc back online. Anyway, it was good to catch up with Harry, too.
Most of the crew have recovered from the takeover, except Culhane. Did you know he suffers from Arachnophobia? Also, B'Elanna looked seriously hot in that slave girl outfit, so I'm thinking of asking her to keep it.
PS: Do I get to stay a Commander?
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65958.9
Subject: Re: Thanks
You're welcome, and yes.
Just out of curiosity – what was it Chakotay hummed at the Bagh'RAAn ambassador?
PS: On a different note, you know that I adore you, Tom, and I am VERY happy that you and B'Elanna enjoy a vigorous and uninhibited relationship. But there is such a thing as "too much information." Capiche?
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65959.7
Subject: Re: Re: Thanks
Point taken re B'Elanna. She threw the thing into the recycler anyway, before I could mention it.
It wasn't what Chakotay hummed so much, it was that he hummed that caused the problem. Apparently in Bagh'RAA culture humming is roughly the equivalent to the ancient Earth custom of mooning. I think we should ask Starfleet to program some cultural reference inhibitors into the universal translator. Do you think that might be a good project for my Dad, now that he's retired?
I've got to go; Nacheyev told Chakotay just how I managed to ask you for back-up, and now he is making me oversee the fumigation. (We found out why the Bagh'RAA cranked up environmental controls so much: they turned the whole ship into a giant bug incubator to ensure ongoing food supplies.)
Oh, and Miral is having an existential crisis; she claims her toys keep disappearing. B'Elanna is complaining about missing parts in Engineering, too. Klingon women can be a challenge sometimes. But don't get me wrong - I love them both to the end of the universe.
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65964.2
Subject: Picard News
Just had to get this off before the next meeting starts. Did you know that Jean-Luc once had a girlfriend who was basically an art thief, and then ran off with Q because he offered her certain … opportunities? The poor man. No wonder he always looks so pinched, and stopped being interested in archaeology. I must have words with Q next time I see him, maybe he can give her back.
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65965.1
Subject: Lower Decks
Did you EVER spend any time on Voyager's lower decks? I mean, apart from the one time when you dragged Mortimer Harren out of his lair and tried to get him to make himself useful?
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65965.6
Subject: Re: Lower Decks
Do I have to answer that? Starfleet might take back my promotion if they find out that I'm not really a detail person. Why do you ask?
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65966.86
Subject: Re: Lower Decks
Well, we flooded the whole ship with Dechyon rays for three hours, and still the bugs kept coming. So the Doc devised this chart based on their sexual and procreation habits and managed to trace the origin back to an enormous storage room on Deck 14. I didn't even know we had that; I might have used it to store some of my sports equipment.
So much for my holodeck time; now I have to go irradiate Deck 14. I'd send Chell and the maintenance gang but unlike certain former commanding officers, I'd like to get to know ALL the parts of my ship.
From: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
To: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
Stardate: 65967.7
Subject: Re: Lower Decks
Showoff.
Are we still on for that beer at McKinley? Headed there next week. Hear Voyager is, too.
From: Cdr. Thomas E. Paris, U.S.S. Voyager
To: Adm. Kathryn E. Janeway, SFHQ
Stardate: 65968.2
Subject: Surprise, surprise
So I went to visit Deck 14 and see what's there, make sure all the bugs were dead. At first I thought I'd found the place where Chakotay kept all those extra shuttles he managed to pull out of the hat whenever he crashed one, but ... NO.
Remember the Borg baby? Well, guess what. The little thing is now three and cute as a button (literally), but she was trying to build a new vincula down there. In that storage area we didn't know about. Explains Miral's missing toys and all those disappearing bits from Engineering.
So as for that beer? Make it Saurian brandy. You owe me a bottle anyway.