Kate kept low as she slowly followed Humphrey's scent. Her paws were nearly silent as they moved through the brush of the forest. Her golden eyes fixed upon the shaggy gray fur of the Omega she loved. The Omega she hurt. The Omega who seemed destined to be hurt. No words could be said in apology. No words could convey her guilt and anguish at what she had put him through. What the world had put him through… But as her heart ached for him, a howl began to build from the depths of her soul. She let it well up with the fullness of her sorrow, and took in a breath to howl for him…
"I'd rather you didn't." Humphrey said, just moments before Kate could release her pain for him. Despite all of her Alpha training and skill at tracking a scent quietly… He called her out as she was skulking behind him. Kate held her breath, the howl that had been building agonizing her with its regret. Tears stained her eyes, and Kate closed them, gritting her teeth to dispel them.
"Humphrey… I'm sor-"
"I'd rather you didn't apologize either."
Kate looked away from him. He wouldn't let her howl. Wouldn't let her apologize. Wouldn't let her express just how much she hurt for him. And because she didn't… the feelings of regret and despair that she felt for him just… sat there. Sat there and festered within her. Tormenting her with the pain of them. The tears came again, and they wouldn't be blinked away. They fell. Fell from her eyes freely, and Kate didn't bother reaching a paw up to wipe them away.
"Hurts… doesn't it?" Humphrey asked her, his back still facing her. Kate didn't answer… he knew it hurt. He had to know how much it hurt. Kate was almost certain that nobody knew pain as he did. She didn't know what to do or what to say as she left Garth and Lilly… but as she came up behind Humphrey she figured a final howl, apology, and goodbye would've been the best thing.
But here, he wouldn't accept any of it. Wouldn't even allow her to get them out into open air. Kate was stuck again. Stuck looking at the back of an Omega. But how long had Humphrey spent staring at the backs of others? He had been left by other wolves almost all his life. Lilly had forgotten him… Kate had turned her back on him. The pack that raised him now treated him with hostility. Kate didn't know what happened with Humphrey's parents… but they weren't with him either.
"I… Humphrey…" Her voice trailed off, even without him interrupting her. Not an apology… He was right. What good would an apology be? "Lilly loved you." Kate tried to assure him, steeling herself against the ache in her chest, the cry of her soul that wanted to scream I… I love you. Kate had no right to tell him that again. Not after everything that had happened. Not after she had gotten married to another. She no longer deserved to love him.
He had to know. Had to know that Lilly truly did care for him. "She fought us… tooth and nail to stay with you. And I… I…" Kate looked away as shame filled her. "I hit her. Knocked her out so that she'd stop struggling. I thought… I thought you had lost control. Thought that if I let her stay with you, she'd be in danger."
"Because I'm a monster." Humphrey said, his voice blank and unreadable.
"No! It… it wasn't you. That thing isn't you. I know it… and Lilly knew it. Humphrey… the monster inside you is… is an insult to who you are. It is everything you aren't… and you are so much more than it. And so much better without it." Kate loved Humphrey for everything he was without the monster inside him. The joy he found in life. The laughter he cherished and inspired in others. He was such a light-hearted and soft-spirited wolf that after a while, Kate had forgotten completely that he harbored a demon within him. And now that she had been face-to-face with it once again, she only thought it more amazing that Humphrey had become the kind of Omega that he was with that thing inside him for all those years.
"I was… wrong. To take her away from you. And now, she doesn't even remember how much she loved you. But knowing you… the gentle, caring, cheerful Omega that you are… I have no doubt that she loved you from the bottom of her heart. And I was a fool not to do the same… not when it mattered most." Kate took a deep breath. Humphrey deserved so much better. So much better than the half-assed love that Kate had offered up to him. So much better than the love he lost with her sister. Kate wished with everything within her that she could give him the better things he deserved… but all she could do was offer him some form of comfort with the knowledge of both her and Lilly's love.
Humphrey turned to face Kate, his bright blue eyes seeming to glow in the darkness. The joy and cheer that she usually found swimming in them was nowhere to be found. He was hollow… and the sight broke her heart. He took several steps closer to her, his eyes never straying from her own, and she couldn't bring herself to look away, either. This could be the last time she looked into his eyes… even if they were tormented and defeated rather than cheerful and happy… she wouldn't trade this last look for anything in the world.
"Making her forget… was the best thing you could have done."
Kate's world slowed as he said those words. What did they mean? Her confusion showed in her amber hues and Humphrey sighed softly before continuing.
"What you're wrong about… is the monster inside me. How it's not me. How it's everything that I'm not. How I'm so much better without it. You weren't wrong to take Lilly away from me. And you weren't wrong to protect the packs by uniting them and marrying Garth. Both of those decisions were tense decisions you made as an Alpha... under a lot of pressure and stress... and they were the right decisions. Lilly was endangered while she was with me. And the Eastern and Western wolves were on the brink of war before you married Garth. You did the right thing. As a leader and an Alpha."
Kate shook her head in disbelief at the words that Humphrey said in a flat, matter-of-fact voice. She couldn't just accept that. "No… Humphrey… That's not true at all. There could have been another way. I should have found another way. A better way." Humphrey took his turn to shake his head. "There was no time. Every step of the way, you put your pack first. Did what was best for them. For their safety and for their survival." Kate actually snarled a little at his words. He made her out to be a hero... A calculating, cunning Alpha who managed to do her duty and do right by the pack... but when she thought back to her marriage... to the confrontation outside of Jasper with Garth and Humphrey... She didn't feel like a hero in the least. "You're a part of our pack too... and I didn't do what was best for you, Humphrey... You didn't deserve any bit of what's happened to you."
"Maybe… maybe not. But how often do we get the things we deserve? You didn't deserve to be forced into a marriage with Garth. Lilly didn't deserve to be almost murdered by this demon inside me not once, but twice. And Garth didn't deserve the multiple wounds my inner darkness inflicted on him either. Maybe I didn't deserve to have this monster inside me… But whether I deserved it or not… He's there. And as much as I may not like it… he's very much a part of who I am."
Kate wanted to argue… wanted to tell him that he was so much more. But she'd already said that, and she was finding it hard to counter any of the things he was saying. But the sheer injustice of it burned her to her core. Made her want to say something. Anything that could comfort him from the cruel reality of his life. Yet, no words came. No sympathies or consolations seemed to be sufficient enough to help soothe Humphrey's pain.
"It may be everything I'm not… but that doesn't mean I'm better off without it. It may be dark while I'm light. Cruel while I'm kind. Fierce while I'm gentle… But it's also strong while I'm weak. Fearless while I'm afraid. Deadly while I'm helpless." Humphrey's eyes were conflicted as he considered the darkness within him.
You NEED me.
That's what it told him… and when Garth attacked him, and Lilly had been stolen from him, he couldn't help but realize that the darkness was right. Humphrey was helpless against the Alpha. He couldn't protect Lilly. He couldn't protect himself. Lilly was ready to run miles away from Jasper with him… content only with being happy with him… but could Humphrey be content now, knowing that if they were in real danger, he'd be powerless to do anything? Powerless like his parents were?
Weak… Useless… Omega…
Humphrey felt the crimson red begin to fill his eyes. Kate saw it, and she backed a few steps away from him. "Don't… let him… destroy you, Humphrey… please." She begged him quietly. "Maybe you're right… but you don't need him to help you survive. To give you strength. Or to give you bravery. You can be all those things… and stay just the way you are. I've seen it… And I admire it… so please. Don't let him have you. Lilly wouldn't want that. Couldn't stand to see you become that. And neither could I…" Her voice fell to a hushed whisper as the air grew tight with tension, and Kate became unsure whether it was Humphrey hearing her, or the demon within him.
I'm… not… releasing you.
I know. But far be it from me to remain hidden when you speak so highly of me.
Enough. Yield. NOW.
Humphrey heard the feral snarl resonate within the core of his being. He shut his eyes, breathing deeply and focusing on keeping that darkness locked up. He let out a soft sigh of relief when his eyes opened again, feeling completely in control of himself, and showing Kate the blue eyes she knew him by. "I do need his strength and bravery to survive, Kate… but I don't intend on trading him control over myself in exchange for it…" Humphrey promised her.
Kate nodded slowly, relieved by the sight of Humphrey's blue eyes. She didn't know how Humphrey managed to keep the beast so tame in the midst of all the insanity he was facing… but she was grateful for such small mercies not only for Humphrey's sake… but for hers as well, getting to spend as much time with him as the wolf she knew, not the monster she hated and feared.
Humphrey's blue eyes swirled in a whirlwind of conviction and determination, and his voice was decisive and firm when he spoke again.
"I intend on taking it from him."