for Izzy…

…with love

How many years has it been now, otoutochan? It's so odd to think that once, I had a life without you in it, and never even noticed something was missing. Unconditional care and support were things I never thought I wanted or needed, until I found them in you. You've always been there when I needed you, Takeru, and there's so much I want to thank you for, so much I have to say… Yet when I set pen to paper, the words dry up like puddles in the sun and I can no longer pin down what it is I am trying to tell you.

Writing is still easiest, though… Because it's the coward's way out, maybe. Because I can organise my thoughts and feelings better on paper, and it gives me a chance to choose my words carefully. You know I've always liked writing. This piece started out kind of flowery and it's probably only going to get worse as it goes on, and I can see you rolling your eyes and saying "There goes onii showing off again…" It's not that. I'm not trying to dress it up. This is how I really feel, and I don't know how else to tell you without feeling uber-dumb or, worse, crying.

I keep thinking of something I learned in a class I had before Christmas. We were asked to draw a one yen coin from memory. Nobody could, although we all see one almost every day. You know why? Something to do with things being harder to remember accurately when you see them constantly for a long time, because you take them for granted and don't notice them much.

I've seen you constantly for what seems like forever, and I think maybe I took you for granted a lot. We've always had each other; we cared and we knew it but it was no big deal. I had Taichi, and then Jyou. You had Ken or Daisuke or Wallace. What I valued about you most through those times was that I could come back and 'touch base' whenever I wanted. You were my safety net, otouto. And if, even through all this, there were ever things I couldn't tell you, I hope you'll understand and forgive me. The fault was mine, not yours.

I know I neglected you sometimes, and that sometimes I said things to people that I shouldn't have. People don't always realise how important something is to them until they discover that they're about to lose it. And I guess that's really what this is all about. We've got a fair while together yet I know, but I think, what if I'd never had this warning? What if one day a bus had hit you, and I'd never had a chance to say all this? Thousands may bow to the legend of Robin Hood, but time is the true Prince of Thieves. It steals the days away so quickly, the last few months have been a blur, and I don't want the next year and a half to vanish the same way. Because then Okaasan will be dragging you off to your new apartment in Kyoto and Jyou-kun will be going away to study medicine, and I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with losing the two people I care most about at the same time. It's you guys that keep me sane.

I don't want to take you for granted anymore, Takeru. It's not enough any longer to know that you'll be there if I need you. I need you now. I want to spend time with you while I still can; you're my otoutochan, I love you and there's nothing I find difficult to talk to you about, except…

Goodbye is such a hard word to say.

~Oneechan

xxx