I'm kinda not proud of this chapter, but I'm waving it off because I see this story as more of a slice-of-life, and so anything kinda goes.

Chapter Eight: Irony

Tapping on the door with his knuckles, Felix cheerily called out, "Rise and shine, Ralph! Today's gonna be a great day!"

There was no response, like he expected, though he could just hear some shuffling beyond the wood. Crossing a foot behind him, the handyman pulled out his hammer and a rag for a quick cleaning, holding it up to the cabinet's light for better inspection. Once the door opened, he spun around and began to greet him again when he hesitated. Blinking in slight surprise, Felix's gaze trailed upward Ralph's disheveled figure before stopping on what he was sure was a faint patch of dark whiskers all along his chin. When he squinted his eyes and leaned closer for a better look, he could see burn marks, and found the "whiskers" were flat and stuck to his skin.

Clenching his jaw shut when they made eye-contact, he scratched underneath his cap from the awkwardness. "Jimminy," he muttered.

"Don't ask," the villain grunted as he pushed past to trudge for the apple tree.

"Y... You look awful," Felix stammered out, hurrying up to his side. "Did you and little Vanellope get in an accident?"

"I said 'don't ask'," Ralph growled, almost tearing off the branch along with the apple. He snorted at the tree before chomping into his breakfast. "I'd like to pretend it never happened."

Nervously tapping his shoe against his other heel, the handyman held up his hammer. "Well, you can't go to work looking like that, now can we?" Without waiting for consort, the man hopped closer to eye-level, and tapped his face with the head. In an instant, Ralph's skin cleared up, and his hair free of singes.

He gently prodded his cheek in response. "Thanks, I s'pose," he said, then headed back to the door.

"Where are you headed, Ralph?"

"I'm going nowhere, Felix, just locking my house up."

Felix fidgeted with his cap. "You never lock up," he pointed out. "You don't even have a key."

Ralph hissed under his breath when he hit his head against the top frame, chipping off a bit of the wood. "Ah-h-h, that's true..."

Glancing over at the penthouse and tugging at his collar, the handyman tried his hand at another question. "May I ask why you're so... off this morning?"

The wrecker turned to him with furrowed brows. "Oh, I'm 'off', am I? Guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed."

"More like you slept on the wrong side," Felix corrected more to himself.

He mockingly laid a hand to his ear. "Wha's that? Speak up, Felix, I can't hear you from up here where my face is." Scowling and pointing to himself at the end of the sentence, Ralph lumbered off for the main building, barely catching himself from crushing the apples.

The little man scurried over to the front, spinning on his heels to walk backward until the giant came to a halt. "Ralph, why won't you tell me what happened?" he urged, his movements getting more frantic. "I mean, I've seen you cranky in the morning before—"

"Scrumples was here yesterday."

His posture straightened at the name, and his face lightened up. "Oh, really? That was awful nice of you to show her around."

"Uninvited."

Felix grinned awkwardly, averting his gaze briefly. "Huh. Well, that's not an issue, I take it?"

Ralph scoffed. "Under normal circumstances. But a visitor doesn't touch your things, or clean your kitchen, or even kick you out of said kitchen for being stinky."

The handyman thought on it for a moment. "The last one makes sense."

He forcibly held his hand down to keep from face-palming. "Well, if that doesn't chap your hide, in Felixese, then how about finding out that a character they're programmed to be can't really do it off-duty?"

They studied each other's expressions for a few moments, Ralph watching as Felix's face fell in confusion. "Wait, what?"

Ralph pinched his brows and took a small breath. "Like say Sarge is incapable of going around barking orders at other folks and using a firearm."

"But she can..."

"Just pretend, okay?"

Felix scratched at his head, glancing around at the passing Nicelanders when they waved and greeted him. Looking back up at the giant's serious expression, he timidly asked, "What are you getting at, Ralph?"

He threw up his large hands in defeat. "Scrumples can't cook. I was at her house yesterday, and she almost burned us alive. Happy?"

The little man blinked, brows barely raising. They continued to stare at each other until Gene called out from where he stood at the doors to the apartments, "Five minutes to opening! Places, everyone!" He nodded at Felix, but gave Ralph a rather neutral look before walking inside.

With a small huff, he turned his back to trudge to his place off-screen. Felix hopped to his line of vision and held up his hands. "Are you suggesting I do something about it?" he guessed in a bold manner.

While taken aback by his sudden approach, the wrecker heavily exhaled and shook his head. "It doesn't matter anyway. Just forget I said anything." He took a step forward until the handyman braced himself.

"I'm not budging an inch until after we've talked some, Ralph," he said, looking up from beneath his cap's rim. Straightening up and clearing his throat, he added, "So you have problems with the ladies. It's normal."

Ralph deeply frowned, hands twitching at his sides. "I don't have problems."

"You just need to keep yourself in check, is all," Felix resumed, shooting him a small smile. "Watch how you act around her, and what you say to her. Treat her like a woman and not a man, Ralph."

"Dutifully noted." He roughly marched past him.

Spinning around, he announced louder, "As for Scrumples, she can take cooking lessons."

"Ha! I feel sorry for the chump already!"

"I'm talking about Mary, Ralph."

He did a double-take over his shoulder. "M... Mary, huh?" He scratched at the hairline behind his neck. "Well... how convenient. But listen to me, Felix, Scrumps... Scrumples..." He waved his hands about briefly and rolled his eyes nonchalantly. "Whatever, she is a hazard even in her own kitchen. We were baking cookies, and she set it ablaze. How that happened I have not a clue, but just imagine her burning down Mary's apartment."

Felix nervously shuffled in place, glancing up at her window like he expected her to be there. "Nothing to worry about," he said with a little laugh. "Mary knows her cooking, she'll teach Scrumples how to do all those things! I... just have to ask her, first."

Ralph slowly took in a breath, imagining the horrified look on the Nicelander's face the moment the baked goods Scrumples touched burst into flame. Somehow, he found that moment funny, but for the whole apartment to be smoked out was the real issue. While he didn't doubt Mary would forgive the young woman for her mistakes, the others most likely wouldn't. He figured Gene would be the most angry of them all, and chew her out. Her already-fragile demeanor would break to receive such harsh words from someone who isn't afraid to give them.

He shook his head at the vision. Why was he so focused on the negative and not the positive? "I don't think we should bother her about it," he said in a simple tone.

"She wouldn't mind." Felix seemed rather supportive of the idea, much to Ralph's chagrin. "Besides, from what I remember about Scrumples the one night I did see and talk to her, she and Mary will get along."

The villain had to swallow down a scoffing laugh. "We'll see," was all he could blurt out.

Finding no other reason to continue his persuading, the handyman let out a soft sigh. With a quick glance to the cabinet window, he tipped his cap at him, and bounded off for the other end of the game. Ralph looked toward his house as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, unsure how to shake off the sudden unnerving feeling that hit him.

"I'm getting worried, Cheese. We haven't gotten a player yet..."

Thirty minutes had passed since the arcade opened. Scrumples hadn't moved from where she stood, waiting patiently for someone to put in their quarters. Her pet was laying by the hole in the wall, ears lowered in a tired stance, though he looked up when she spoke. She kept her eyes locked onto the outside world, her heart doing flips every time she saw someone hover around the area her cabinet stood, then sinking whenever they left or chose another game. She had stopped smiling by this point, brows furrowing more and more in anxiety.

"I don't understand. We were doing okay yesterday." She glanced over at the rat. "Right?"

Cheese just licked his back paw and scratched at his ear. Scrumples smiled a little at the sight, though it fell when she looked back out. The looping animation playing before her had by now faded into the background as she started to go into a daze. She reached out to rest her arms on the counter, tapping her shoe on the floor to an imaginary rhythm, and quietly hummed along to it, thinking she made it up while wondering if she heard it before. Beyond the haziness of the cabinet window and arcade's doors, her vision caught onto the light flurry of snow.

Somewhere in the distance, whether outside or in her mind, Scrumples heard voices... indecipherable voices of people chatting away and laughing. Sometimes, an exclamation of delight sounded, but nothing too distracting. The voices had no distinct faces to them—she could never memorize that many players, even those who returned many times. She could only tell from the voices if they belonged to children, women, or men. Most of the time, they were of men.

A chill ran through her chest for no apparent reason, making her squirm in discomfort and shake her head. Turning away from the window, the woman gazed at the painting, and started to relax. It always made her feel better, she noted.

"Cheese?" Scrumples softly called, not tearing her eyes away. "Do you like it here?"

The rat's ears flicked and he scurried over, grabbing onto the ribbon to climb up. She saw his whiskers twitch into her peripheral vision as he sniffed her cheek. With a small giggle, she asked another, "Have you seen the others besides Ralph, by the way?"

Cheese sat on his haunches, and began cleaning his whiskers. She sighed a little, trying to remember if she ever introduced him to her neighbors. "Well, do you like Ralph?"

The rat let out a rather harsh squeak, bringing her to frown.

"Such a shame... I was hoping you two would like each other, because I like Ralph." Scrumples lips curled up at the thought. "He's grumpy, but he's nice when he's not."

The rodent jerked and let out what sounded like a sneeze.

With a blink, she giggled. "Someone's thinking of you, Cheese. I bet Ralph would like to see you again." Cheese slowly looked at her with a glint, though she appeared to have not caught the expression. "But still, I'm sure it's because you never saw him before, and you're not used to strangers. That's why I'm going to invite him again later."

Scrumples turned to the stove, and had a second thought. She walked over and opened the oven only to back away covering her nose with a whine. Faint smoke poured out from its depths, triggering the memory of last night. "Before I do, I should clean this," she said behind her hand. "I hope I won't have to make cookies again."

The quarter alarm sounded just when she shut the oven door, making her squeak in surprise and almost slip sliding back into place. She laughed when Cheese ran down her back to jump down and run into his hole. Fixing her toque, she stood at attention with a big smile on her face, staring into the face of a young girl, and who looked to be her mother standing by. The child picked out her options, and watched with bright eyes as Scrumples bowed and raised her hands to cry out, "Game start!"

It was apparent the child had no idea what she was doing, as she pressed buttons at random and jiggled the joystick around. It was a game over before she knew it, though she had to hold in her giggles until the intro started up. Once she did, she quieted down the moment the player spoke, "Mommy, can you help me?"

"Um... no, honey. Let's try a different game."

Getting to her feet, she lifted her eyes up in time to watch the girl's mother take her hand and quickly pull her away. The woman shot the cabinet a single glance before stopping the daughter at the Whac-A-Mole, and stood directly behind her. Scrumples had tensed when their eyes indirectly met, sensing something wrong with the look. She couldn't remember a time where she had been given such a harsh look. Not even Ralph had given her a similar stare.

Slowly, she trudged for the step-stool and plopped down on the bottom step, resting her chin in her hands. Cheese appeared by her foot, gazing up at her as he tilted his head. She let out a sigh, glancing over in his direction. "Are we doing something wrong, Cheese?" she whispered, eyes drooping. "Did... did we do something to make players not like us anymore?"

The rat rested his chin on the toe of her shoe, letting out what sounded like a small sigh. She reached down to stroke his back with a finger, scarcely reacting when her toque slipped off her head.

She wouldn't pick it up until the next player came along an hour later.

"You want me to what-now?" Mary asked with incredulous undertones, cautiously eyeing the stairway Ralph was half-stepping on.

Ralph glimpsed down at Felix where he stood before repeating his sentence, "I'm wondering if you'd like to give cooking lessons to an acquaintance of mine."

"Um... I guess?" She gave a confused smile, and a small shrug. "I'm not the best cook in the world, but I know my stuff, you can say."

Pleased with the answer, the man simply said, "Okay, just wondering," then moved to climb down the building.

"Wait!" she spoke up. "Who wants cooking lessons?"

"I told you, just someone I know." He pushed himself from the side to safely land next to the mud puddle.

"Is it that little girl from Sugar Rush?"

"No, it's not Vanellope."

"Then..." Mary leaned further out her window to point in his house's direction, "could it be that lady I saw you escort yesterday?"

Ralph had to take a deep breath before he could answer. "Yes," he grunted.

"That a yes?"

Furrowing his brows, he leaned back and repeated louder, "Yes, Mary. That was her." He shot a glance at Felix, silently cursing and telling him to take it from there, though a new player came in before he could.

In between each game restart, the handyman relayed everything he knew about the proposal. Ralph briefly tuned him out most of the time, trying to put all of his focus on his job and worry about everything else later. But each time the slightest remembrance of Scrumples came up in the brief conversations, the deeper it sunk into his thoughts, leaving him annoyed, but with some relief. Mary seemed to be the only one who could help her predicament, and he came to the conclusion that once she improved her skills and opened up more to people, Scrumples would slowly become more popular where she lived. Then she would visit less, giving him more availability to spend time with Vanellope, Felix, and even the villains.

He refused to admit out loud that though she was irritating to be with, he didn't despise her (except for possibly her rat). He just didn't want to deal with her for as much as he has. Vanellope was a handful in her own right, but it made sense for a young, energetic girl. Scrumples was an embarrassment for her age, yet she never seemed to notice, and chances were high she never would.

If anything, Ralph pitied her.

After the last game, Mary was the first to come up to the wrecker as he stood up from the mud puddle. "First of all, you did a great job, Ralph," she said, flashing him a smile. "Now, as for the cooking lessons for the miss, I'll teach her if she's willing to do it."

With a shrug, the man replied, "Good to hear, I suppose."

Her face fell a little. "Are you really not for the lessons?"

"It's not that, Mary, even though I didn't come up with the idea in the first place."

She clasped her hands looking over at Felix, whom was having small talk with Roy near-by. "Well..." and she nervously smiled, "at least you thought about it. From what he told me about this lady, she's rather unique."

Ralph disguised his scoff as a laugh. "Yeah, she's something all right."

"How long has she been plugged in?"

"About two weeks. Probably still learning names at her place, knowing her."

Mary shrugged daintily in agreement. "Possibly. Still, she sounds like a nice character. I'm looking forward to meeting her."

"Is that the train I'm hearing?" Felix asked out of the blue, lifting his head for the dock's direction. The others quieted down when it came to their attention as well.

Feeling in his gut he would regret it, Ralph stepped to the front of the crowd and focused his gaze toward the tunnel. With the creak of its wheels, the cars rounded the corner, Scrumples in the front seat. The man tensed at the unexpected reveal, wanting to hide himself until he was ready to face her before he noticed she had her head down. Glancing at the confused Nicelanders, he hesitantly approached the dock, taking care best he could to have his broad shoulders and back block their view.

He stopped feet away when the train came to a jerky halt, jolting the woman out of her daze. Lifting her eyes up, her face brightened when their gazes met, and she smiled. "Hello, Ralph. How are you today?" she politely asked, leaning forward in what he interpreted was a bow.

For a split second, Ralph briefly looked back at his co-workers, then lowered his brows at the woman. "What are you doing here, Scrumples?" he inquired in a harsh whisper.

Scrumples tilted her head in quizzical innocence. Twiddling her fingers together as she cast her eyes about, she slowly put her words together. "Um... I came to apologize, and that if you want, you are still invited to come to my place anytime you want." She blinked up at him with a small smile.

He didn't take a breather to think on it and give a proper response. "Not that!" he hissed, pointing to the cabinet window. "The arcade just closed!"

Her eyes followed his finger until she spotted the clock above them. "Did I come at a wrong time?"

Barely catching himself from slapping his forehead, Ralph raised his voice, "Do you realize what you may have done to your game?!"

Unflinchingly, her eyes arched in response as she lifted a finger. "Not to worry, Ralph. I made sure that I wasn't getting anymore players before I left."

"That's not the point!"

"Is everything okay there, brother?" Felix called out, craning his neck to try and look around him.

Ralph watched as the woman's eyes lit up, and she stood on the seat for a better look. He tried to move in her line of sight, but once she saw the handyman and Gene, she began waving wildly. "Good evening, everyone!" she cheerily greeted them. "Forgive me for interrupting your... meeting it looks like! I came to talk to Ralph about yesterday, and—!"

The wrecker stopped her mouth with a finger before she could go any further, feeling his face burn in embarrassment. She stared at him with wide eyes for a moment before she relaxed, dropping her arm. Taking a deep breath, he pulled away and turned around to trudge back in defeat. He paused before the confused Nicelanders, addressed first to Mary, "Mary, meet Scrumples. Have fun explaining the lessons to her," then leaned down closer to Felix's level to grunt, "She's your problem."

He nervously adjusted his cap as he cleared his throat. "Ralph, that's not a good idea," he stated. "You can't abandon your guest."

"She's not my guest!" he snapped, straightening to his full height. "I didn't invite her over!"

"Pardon me for interrupting," Gene said, a small scowl on his face, "but what is she doing out of her game this early?"

Ralph snorted, rolling his eyes. "She claims to have not had anymore players, and decided to visit. I'm not sending her home now that she's here, because I was going to bring up cooking lessons to her anyway."

"By giving her to us without our consent?"

"That's not very gentlemanly of you," came the scolding of Deanna, shaking her finger at him. A few other Nicelanders shook their heads in a timely manner. "You should be the one accompanying her."

Before he could growl out another statement, Scrumples' voice piped up from behind, "I'm sorry about everything, Ralph." He whirled around to met her worried upward gaze, hands clasped before her. Her eyes dropped with her faint blush marks glowing in a dark pink, her hair appearing to droop. "I... I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened yesterday, and I had to apologize as soon as possible."

"For what, dear, visiting him?" Gene's soft tone startled Ralph enough he gave him an odd double-take. Felix shrugged awkwardly, looking as equally-confused. The mayor pretended he didn't notice his movements and continued, "I said it was fine, did I not?"

The woman went into a brief daze. "I guess," she said, holding out the "s" for a beat.

The short man gave a rare smile. "Obviously, as you're still standing, Ralph here didn't mind." He shot the giant a berating glance. "You are welcome to visit, ma'am. Even if Ralph isn't here, you are free to come to us."

A bright grin spread on Scrumples' soft features, her fingers lacing together under her chin. "Thank you, man with the purple suit, sir!"

"It's 'Gene'," he corrected with a small chuckle.

"Sounds like 'jeans'. Is that how it's spelled?" she asked, pulling out her notepad.

Looking between his co-workers, Gene said, "No, it's G-E-N-E."

She scribbled it down as she mouthed out the letters. "Oh, okay!" Her gaze darted up at Felix as her face lit in remembrance. Pointing her pen at him, she squealed through her teeth, "I forgot your name, sorry!"

Ralph covered his face with a hand when the hero chuckled, taking off his cap. "It's okay, Miss Scrumples. It's Fix-It Felix Junior, but do call me Felix."

She nodded the whole time she wrote his name down. "Okay... okay, I'll remember it for sure! And how about the others?"

"For crying out-loud, what is this, a census?!" the wrecker butted in, glaring down at Scrumples. "Are you going to take your cooking lessons today or not?"

"I have cooking lessons?" she gasped, eyes widening.

When Ralph's roar of frustration echoed through the game, the ground rattled hard enough they could hear the cabinet creak.

Vanellope stepped onto the floor where Mary's apartment was located, looking over to find Ralph grumpily sitting on the floor outside a door, taking up over half of the hallway's width. She smirked a little, stepping lightly to his side, arms behind her back. "Earned yourself a time-out, I see," she teased.

The man barely shot her a glance. "There's no room for me to fit in the apartment," he grunted.

The girl looked at the door number with raised brows. "Uh..."

"I don't know what you're thinking of, but that's not it," he added to the side.

"Well, I never saw you step foot inside here before," she said, shrugging. "I'm just a little curious as to what possessed you to come up here."

"What're you doing here, kid?" Ralph muttered, his brows furrowing.

Vanellope rocked on her heels. "Visiting." One of her cheeks scrunched a little, her eyes rolling about nonchalantly. "I kinda got a little concerned about you not showing up, so I figured I would come looking for you."

He slowly turned to face her, his expression unchanging. "In other words, you got worried."

She laughed in his face, though her face turned a shade of pink. "Me, worried? No-no-no, you look more worried. I've seen you off-and-on all day, and you weren't too happy."

"I'm not supposed to be happy in my game," he said flatly. "You know this."

The girl lifted her hand and then dropped it just as quick. "You waved like this most of the time."

Ralph shook his head, then flinched when he heard a loud clatter from inside of the apartment, and a voice squealed a string of apologies. Vanellope had jumped a little from the noise, though she hurried around him to place her ear at the door, her mouth slowly dropping open. "Was that Scrumps I heard?"

Taking a breath, he nodded. "Yup. Mary's giving Scrumples cooking lessons."

She gave him a weird look the moment Mary's voice grew a little panicked. "Nuh uh, that can't be right." She listened for another beat. "It sounds like a wrestling match in there."

"I can't referee the whole time," he said, quickly following along with her wordplay. "Mary's on her own for another while longer."

Backing away from the door when what sounded like glass shattered, Vanellope sat on the other side by Ralph. Tapping her boots together, she blinked up at him. "So... what's Scrumps cooking in there?"

"I think it's a batch of brownies."

She nodded, sticking one of the jacket's strings in between her teeth. "Think it'll be any good?"

He sarcastically laughed. "I'll be impressed if it comes out decent."

Frowning at his tone of voice, she turned her attention to the potted plant across from them. "So I take it there's a reason she's taking cooking lessons," she sighed. "But I thought she's already a cook."

"I'm starting to wonder if her programmers love the thought of irony," he muttered, huffing through his nose.

It was Vanellope's turn to laugh. "I don't think it was intentional, Stink Brain." Then she paused in the middle of a chortle, her eyes growing wide and drawstring falling out of her mouth. "What if she actually is a chef-in-training, and the player is the one helping her?"

Ralph briefly rolled his eyes. "You're only proving my point further."

She raised a brow up at him. "It's called 'speculation'. It doesn't have to coincide with yours."

The man cracked a smirk at her hardened tone. "Such big words you're using there, Miss President," he blatantly noted to humor her.

Vanellope stuck her nose up at him with a knowing smile. "A president is required to have an intelligent vocabulary to be taken into the least bit of consideration."

A brow cocked, then he shrugged. "Whatever you say, kid."

The door suddenly slammed open, revealing Mary at the doorway with a teary expression underneath the black smudge. Before wisps of smoke escaped into view, they could smell the acrid scent of burnt sweets, and the hint of metal. Ralph and Vanellope jumped to their feet (though mostly Ralph to give her some space). "Mary, what's wrong?" he asked, even though he knew what her response would be.

She slowly looked up at the towering man, her smoking, pudgy figure rocking in jerky movements. She hiccuped for a few moments before she could find her voice. "Wh-Where's Felix?" she sobbed out, wiping at her eyes only to make it worse. "Oh, my oven, my kitchen!"

The young girl's curiosity got the better of her, and she squeezed through Ralph's legs to make her way into the middle of the apartment. Her jaw dropped when she looked off to the side where the smoke continued to pour out. "Ho-ly fudge!" she shouted out, running both her hands along her hair.

While Mary hurried down the hallway in a panic, Ralph carefully squeezed himself into the apartment, taking care to shuffle around the furniture to peek into the kitchen. Waving away the fumes, he stared incredulously at what remained, getting a flashback to the previous night. On one side of the countertops were splotches of batter on the walls, ceiling, in the sink, and on the floor where powered sugar didn't cover. An egg looked to have been dropped, though a broken measuring cup caught their eye the most.

Standing by the open oven with her back to them, Scrumples' head was down, though they could see the tips of her hair and the ribbon of her apron were singeing. Gradually for effect, she turned around to reveal her whole front save her eyes was blackened, an equally-darkened tray clutched in her oven-mitts. On the tray were indistinguishable lumps, which they guessed were the brownies. Ralph and Vanellope stared back, confused as to how her face remained strangely calm. Without any other movements, she held it up before her, tilting it slightly for them to see it better.

"Would you like a piece?" she offered as a sad, awkward smile penetrated through the smudge.