Ladies and gentlemen, this is Doctor River Song, addressing you from a throne which is in turn perched atop a huge heap of money. You will forgive me if I make this brief, but I have a personal spa full of attendants waiting for me, and a bed of banknotes to fall into after that.

"River, I think you're forgetting the point of this message."

Really? Isn't this the bit where I admit in front of everybody how I was wrong about the strontium mining and really you're an awfully clever man who just brought us sailing into a life of ease and luxury for when we get tired after adventures?

"…No, you're absolutely right. Mea culpa. Carry on."

I was wrong, good earthlings, and I don't even feel bad admitting it, because we are now loaded. The only reason we couldn't get hold of the man who does the dividends the other night, and a lovely, lovely man he is too, was because they'd just struck strontium, and he was opening bottle after bottle of champagne… Actually, my love, that's a really good idea-

"Miles ahead of you, River, all on its way!"

Naturally, our first act upon coming into all this wealth was to settle our debts. Including a very recent one with one Miss Sally Garmonbozia.

"Liar, liar, drawers on fire…"

…Alright, so I went and bought a throne first. Nobody blames me for buying a throne, do you? You'd tell me if you blamed me. Look, if you blame me for buying a throne, feel free to send me a message. Also feel free to know I'm going to ignore it, and sit on my throne a while longer in blissful ignorance of your disapproval. But then we cleared our debt, didn't we?

"Then I bought a tank. Not to use, just for… shopping and things. Then we cleared our debts."

…No, hold on, hold on – this is the first I've heard about any tank.

"Okay, now you're forgetting the point of this message."

I'm really not, but I want to hear about this tank.

"Not in front of the helpful people, River. And not on that Garmonbozia woman's account. You know how she loves it when we fight."

Alright, fine, but don't think I'm dropping this.

"You, dear? Drop a perfectly good domestic that never needs to happen? Never, dear…"

In short, my friends, and my husband's determination to break down my already fragile psychology with his every word and deed aside, we've come here to tell you today that the amount repaid came to in excess of sixty pounds. Not only would it never have happened without you, but so much more would have been lost if you had not bought us our way past that awful man on the door, whom my ever so manly husband refused to do anything more concrete about –

"Nor you, River darling."

I am the lady wife. I'm not supposed to have to do anything like that.

"You love punching things!"

It was the principle of it! At any rate, we got past him, and we saved the day, and in short, we couldn't have done it without you. And... therefore… in addition…. Oh, sweetie, do I have to do this? Really?!

"'And therefore, in addition-' Come on, you're doing really well."

In addition in light of our newfound wealth my husband and I will be matching that donation in order to double the total. There, are you happy?

"It's the right thing to do, River. And seeing you've forgotten all your lines we practiced, I'll explain to them about the exchange rate, shall I? See, the economy here in the distant future is much worse off than it is in your time. For us, sending sixty 21st century pounds back is rather a considerable scrape. So please don't think us greedy with her sitting up there on a throne and me in a tank and us only giving sixty pounds and damn it, I mentioned the tank again, didn't I….

Yes, yes, you did and seeing the message has been delivered now, this time we can talk about it, yes?

"You haven't said thank you yet."

Thank you. Now tell me about this tank.