AN: Alright so this is 4 years in the making. This is Hotch's POV of the situation. I may write one last chapter with a conclusion, but I am not sure what that conclusion will be yet! Probable grammatical errors.

Hotch doesn't usually regret any decisions he makes – and considering the position he's in, it's not really possible anyway. Any second guessing could kill him – literally. When he makes a decision, he sticks to it no matter the consequences.

This though…this he regrets. Spencer.

Haley's death no doubt shattered the world around him. Realizations slowly filled him one by one, day by day. His son will no longer grow up with his mother. No longer will he enjoy his mothers' embrace or enjoy her cooking. No longer will he be able to argue when he doesn't get his way and go to his mother for backup. Haley and Jack were the victims, and in Hotch's mind – he was the criminal.

Spencer and he had dated for at least a year before her death. Aaron loved his laugh, his smile, and his brilliant mind.

Spencer and he were in love once upon a time. Keyword – were. In Spencer's mind, they probably still are. But, Hotch can't risk that anymore. He already got one love of his life killed; it's too risky for a second.

Three months after Haley's death and Hotch knew he had to back away; Spencer obliged. Hotch was aware in the back of his mind it wouldn't be temporary but he knew Spencer wouldn't back off if the truth was revealed. He doesn't blame Spencer for his insistence considering how many people have disappointed him in his life.

Four months after her death and it's still too much. The pain of grief hurts and Hotch has found that the older he gets, the harder it is to let go. You crave the past, the nostalgia of it all. Jack asks for Haley (and Spencer) and he isn't sure what to say. The problem is obvious, and Jack is aware of what's going on, but as a parent you don't want to see your child hurting.

In a sense of temporary clarity, he realizes that Jack lost not only his mother but Spencer as well. It seemed clear enough to everyone else but Hotch hasn't been thinking correctly; he starts to understand that he may have made a mistake.

Eight months and he's back to work - back to seeing Spencer every day which sounds painful, however, work proves to be a fantastic distraction. He moves in slow motion from one task to another. He may as well be a robot; unthinking, unfeeling, and with unwavering stoicism, he starts to move on. Aaron Hotchner is numb.

Twelve months since Haley died and he hears a soft knock on his office door.

"Come in," he responds. Looking up, he lets a sad smile creep on his face; he softly says, "Close the door."

Spencer doesn't waste much time before he gets to the point of his rambling, "Do you think we have a chance?"

Hotch knew this was coming and he still couldn't give him the easy answer. He would love to say 'yes' but this was still a risk he wasn't capable of taking. He is a hazard to stay away from.

Silence was the response.

Fourteen months and Hotch was getting extremely lonely. Spencer seemed out of reach at that point. Hotch still notices the occasional look but Spencer must have given up by now, right?

When he first saw Beth, he thought of Haley. She seemed like a beautiful, strong, woman who went through something recently. He was conscience of the fact that he already had one irreparable, inconclusive relationship under his belt but he couldn't resist. He was allowing himself one freedom, one in over a year. Hotch asked her out.

Sixteen months and he introduces Jack to Beth, initially terrified of bringing another woman into a world that has only been the two of them so long. They seem to have interest in each other, which eases Aaron's stirring guilt.

He admits to himself that he misses Spencer - his wittiness, his humor, his…body…Hotch becomes flushed. He thinks of what if's…and yet, it's been too long and Spencer seems well enough without him. Why reopen up old wounds?

Eighteen months and he can see something off in Spencer. He wonders if it's a problem with Spencer's mother. He had recently admitted to Morgan about having headaches so that could just be it. Hotch surprises himself, still so concerned with the welfare of someone who he pushed away. However much concerned he was, Aaron felt great. He was starting to smile again, he was happy.

Beth and he were getting along great and Jack enjoyed spending time with her, Jack rarely asks about Spencer anymore. On the other hand, Hotch likes to talk to his son about his ex-wife, likes to show him pictures of her and reminds him to never forget about her. He missed Haley too.

Twenty months and there is definitely something going on with his former lover. He has seen this before, the whole team has – it's not pretty. Dilaudid, again. But…but…why? Hotch can't understand why Spencer would go so low. Was it him? His mother? Who? Hotch's guilt is in full force right now, but there is no regret. There can't be regrets…right?

Twenty four months…two years since Haley's death and he feels that he might lose Spencer too. The genius was in deep but he knows Spencer can get through this. He is stronger than he looks because he has kicked the shit once before.

It took a stupid amount of time before Hotch finally understood why Spencer stooped so low. Every male figure in Spencer's life has abandoned him. Hotch is either at the back or front, he wasn't sure in this situation, of the line after this - with no stepping out of it.

Sometimes Hotch wishes he would love to fall victim to a fairytale picture where he suddenly swoops in to save the day, but that wasn't an appropriate option. Hotch knowingly let his subordinate fall out of his hands and into the hands of addiction. He could only imagine the pain his former lover is in at the moment.

He needed to do something.

But then one day, Spencer left. He left his badge, his gun, and Virginia. For good. Hotch knew Spencer went to go get help but it still hurt. The guilt has eaten up for so long; Hotch didn't know who he really was anymore. Spencer probably thought the same, if he still thought of him.

It has been two years since Spencer left…four since Haley died. Garcia, JJ and Morgan are the only team members Spencer has attempted to reach out to. Hotch doesn't feel betrayed; he accepts the mistakes he has made.

It has been tough at times lately. Having to work so much, he rarely sees Beth. She argues with him now more than she used to. Discernably, there are parts of the job that Beth can never, and will never, understand – things that Spencer did. Haley understood too because she watched him grow from a boy to a man and she knew who he was deep down – this is the reason why she will always be his true love. Haley isn't here anymore though.

Still…he misses the genius. Spencer was the most understanding and accepting person he knew.

Hotch lets a tear go…I am so sorry Spencer…he whispers to no one.

It was about time he was the bigger man. He told Beth about his conflicting feelings; he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He didn't want to drag her along more than he already had. She shouldn't have to suffer through his mental turmoil.

Through all the uncertainty he has faced in the last few years - he was sure of one thing. He owes Spencer Reid an apology. He had to tell Spencer that for the last four years, he has been lying to himself and everyone around him. He still loved the genius.

But, what if Spencer doesn't want an apology? What if he tells him to get lost?

Hotch determinedly answers his own hypothetical question aloud to his empty office, "Then I will go."

"Still the road keeps on telling me to go on, something is pulling me, I feel the gravity of it all…" – Maaya Sakamoto, Gravity

A/N: This was written in a quick moment of inspiration. It turned out a little more insightful than what I may have intended by I'm pretty happy with it.