A/N: Holiday update!

Well well weeeeeeeeeeeeell!

Hellsing Abridged just finished!

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THE MEANS~!

As ever references abound and as such:

I!

OWN!

NOOOOOTHING~!

Call this a parody, call this cringe, call it a story that doesn't take itself seriously. That's fine. I don't mind. This was always a mad idea to begin with. Love it, hate it, revel in the madness. That's fine by me. I'm not going to drop this story. I'm not going to give up this story. I'm going to bring it to its ultimate conclusion, and hope to make you all laugh along way

Also, this is well and truly rated M now for good reasons.

As ever, I own nothing. All lines, homages and references are made in tribute to the mad masterpiece that is Team Four Star.

Apologies for the second interlude, it'll be the last for awhile. Think of this as a primer of sorts, a way to get back into things.

After all, a Holiday update is always a gift in and of itself...

...aaaaaand here comes my family to drag me off.

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE~!

"Sorry. Lucy isn't here right now. She's gone for a long walk, you see. Can I take a message?"

"No message sir, just a letter for you. He was adamant that I deliver it to you. Posthaste."

"A letter eh? Let me see that. Oooh. Well. That's unfortunate. For you."

"Ever heard the phrase: don't shoot the messenger, sir?"

"Never been particularly fond of it."

"Ohgodthatsmyadamsapple!"

~Hell's Butler.

Her Butler, Cackling (Second Interlude)

"Rise and shine~!"

Laughter and light flooded Lucy's world like the waters of the Nile, washing away her nightmares with the dawn. No matter how much she might loathe it, the morning-much less her tormentor-would not be denied; though she snarled and squeezed her eyes shut, though she moaned and flailed against the arms holding her, she found herself lifted from her bed all the same. Alas the fog of sleep still clung on in spite of her attempts to escape, rendering her pitiable railing little more than the efforts of a mewling babe. Had anyone been present to witness her they might've found it downright cute.

"What're you...stoppit! Lemme go already!"

A low rumble of laughter answered her.

"Sorry, not this time."

Wait. That voice...

A faint hint of recognition caused Lucy to cling to whomever was holding her-though not nearly as much as-the sweet embrace of slumber-awareness reluctantly came back to her. Though she would've liked nothing more than to simply dive back beneath blankets she knew it simply wasn't meant to be. Her problems remained twofold; not only did her captor's grasp prevent any semblance of escape, but her mind was reluctant to plunge back into that black abyss altogether.

Dark dreams had tormented her for the last week, and last night had been no exception.

Visions of death accompanied by crimson specters, ghastly cadavers strew across blood-soaked battlefields. And those were some of the nicer ones. In some, she lived. In others she died, perishing horribly time and time again without remorse. With her sleep so restless and her dreams fitful at best, young Lucy found her self caught in a paradox of sorts; longing for sleep, yet afraid what the sweet embrace would bring.

Even now those terrors lurked in her still-slumbering mind, laughing at her.

Tormenting her, threatening to pounce at the slightest provocation.

Until her host dropped her in a vat of ice water.

YEOW!

Wakefulness snapped back to the Heartfilia heiress with a jolt as she crashed into the tub; water soaking through her thin white sift to chill her skin. Struck from sleep all at once by this sudden and startling turn of events she glowered bloody red daggers at the one responsible. Blast it all, what was going on?!

"What the hell was that for?!"

Her fist shot out and instantly made contact.

A startled grunt greeted her eyes as something-someone?-tumbled backwards.

Instead when she sought to stretch her senses outward she found only confusion waiting for her. Bleary brown eyes squinted hazily at the bathroom before her, noting its immaculate state. Strange. This didn't look like her apartment. No, not in the least. The walls were almost suspiciously bare, utterly devoid of all but the most basic of amenities. Worse, the color was all wrong, a ghastly gold of all things. She reached for her keys in pure instinct, only to find they too, had vanished with the wind.

'No.'

Fear gripped her heart in an iron vice, suffocating all sense. Had she been kidnapped again? No. No, no, no! This couldn't be happening! Not again! Someone coughed. In the end her gaze was drawn towards the sound. Whomever had done this to her would dearly regret their...their...

It took her five whole seconds to recognize the bright figure awaiting her.

He'd sworn to come back to her and so he had.

"Well, well, well." a familiar voice drawled in her ears, "I leave for a week and that's how you welcome me home? Suppose that's a given...

She had expected him of course.

Tears welled unshed in her eyes as she found the culprit only a few feet away, lightly sitting on their haunches. An already fading bruise dominated the right side of his whiskered visage. He seemed pleased enough to see her of course; considering how long they'd been apart. Were those bloodstains on his sleeves? His crimson jacket made it nigh impossible to tell. Still, those warm blue eyes hadn't changed, even if he appeared to have acquired a fresh, permanent scar across the bridge of his nose.

She simply hadn't expected it to take so long.

"W-W-W-Where have you been?" she forced the words through chattering teeth, hugging herself to escape the chill. A stray sniffled escaped her. That was the cold's fault she ruthlessly lied to herself. She wasn't happy to see Naruto after all this time. No. Not at all. Not even a little. She hadn't been worried about him. Not in the least. And she certainly wasn't about to jump him. Her lower lip trembled as she stubbornly held a sob back. To see him again after all this time, when she'd feared he'd finally abandoned her.

In response her, butler knelt and bent his head.

"I'm home, my Master." he declared.

Those words made her shudder.

Screw it.

Though she was still sopping wet-not like that!-the Heartfilia heiress dragged herself from the tub and lunged at him-nearly slipping and bashing her head against the wall in the outing-and dragged her fellow blond into a fierce embrace. The dam held for a moment longer. Then it burst, causing her to bury her head into his shoulder with a pained cry. For his part Naruto stiffened in mild surprise at her tears, but made no attempt to escape her slim arms. After a tentative moment he returned her affections, quietly massaging her back.

"You idiot!" she wailed! "You absolute idiot! Where did you go?! Why were gone so long?!

His smile proved almost infuriating.

"Well, eradicating a guild is hard work!" came the saucy reply. "I had to make certain they were dead, not to mention hide the bodies...oh, now I remember. I also paid daddy dearest a visit and chopped off his head."

Despite herself, Lucy stiffened at his response.

"Would you rather I didn't?" he asked.

She considered it.

"No."

Jude had...not been a good man. Even less of a father. The thought of his passing should've stirred her soul, inflicted some semblance of sorrow upon her. Yet it didn't. At his passing she didn't even feel relief. Did that make her a monster? Or something far worse?

Spirits, what was she becoming...?

"Good." the whiskered warrior preened. "Now that we've gotten the formalities out of the way...welcome to boot camp, cadet!"

Realization dawned in Lucy's heart.

'What?'

The word stirred something in the back of Lucy's mind, a half-forgotten memory she'd all but repressed. Mama had mentioned that word once when she was very young. Little more than a girl. An old story of which she only recalled tiny tattered scraps. Her mother had regaled her with the tale of suddenly being spirited away in the middle of the night to gods-knew-where by her then-butler. She'd described the events that followed as pure, unmitigated hell. Back then she'd thought it little more than a joke; the very notion that someone would required such training seemed absurd. Now, however...

"Did you kidnap me?!"

Naruto grinned.

"Of course."

For someone who once professed to have been human, this was a startling admission in and of itself; a subtle reminder of just who her butler was. Men couldn't bend steel with a flick of their fingers. Men couldn't massacre an entire guild. Men couldn't warp reality, nor could they spit in the very face of death itself. That made him inhuman even by mage standards; certainly those of the world. Monstrous. Though he might wear a mask of civility, she'd witnessed his true nature firsthand...one that both frightened and excited her. Despite all the years she'd known him, she still wasn't entirely certain of what-who-he truly was beneath that humble facade. Servant? Immortal? Demon? Or perhaps something far worse...?

"I've made up my mind. I'm not going to lose another Mistress."

Lucy stiffened.

"Wait, what does that-

A finger thrust itself into her face.

"I'm going to train you." he declared emphatically, eyes sparking like flint. "Mentally, physically, everything. Until you have nothing to fear from anyone! Until you can take a hit from me and shrug it off. Consider this day one of said training."

Dread coiled in her stomach like a serpent, coiling endlessly in on itself. She'd seen what those hands could do. The idea of being subjected to that kind of regimen quenched any enthusiasm she might've experienced at his return.

"Is that really a-

"TRAINING BEGINS NOW!"

WHAP!

Pain howled across her fist as a gloved fist took her low and hard in the stomach.

It was agony without ending and it threatened to shatter her on the spot. Her body sank like a stone, her head striking the unyielding surface of the floor. Breathing was suddenly and arduous effort in and of itself. Yet it was a far cry from what she'd expected. She could still think. Feel. She'd expected that blow to knock her flat, to send her spinning back into her dreams.

Naruto sighed.

"Huh. You were right. You weren't ready."

Yes.

She shouldn't be ready.

She shouldn't be able to move.

She shouldn't be able to breathe at all.

Remarkably, she found she could do just that.

Strength returned to her, and she found she could almost rise.

"How...?"

"Of course you can move." her fellow blond preened, brushing a stray bit of dust from his coat as he stalked after her. "I've been traveling with you all this time. It stands to reason you'd only grow stronger eventually. Not enough mind you, but you're far from that slip of a girl you were when we first set out from home. Now then...

A boot settled against her back, forcing her to back to the ground.

Still, she resisted.

"Someone just hit you, Lucy." Naruto coaxed, flashing pearly whit teeth at her. "What are you going to do about it?" his boot ground down further, sparks of agony skittering up her spine. "Are you going to lay there and take it, my master? Will you remain weak? Or will you fight? Now tell me, what will you do?!"

...no."

"Then what will you do?!"

Her eye absolutely twitched at him.

"HIT HIM HARDER!"

In a single movement she spun and struck upward.

Clenched knuckles rocketed up into Naruto's jaw.

"Yes! Just like that!"

Despite all her expectations, her butler actually cackled as he sailed through the nearest wall. Sunlight flooded her vision but she scarcely noticed it; no, her mind was far too preoccupied with the realization that she'd just sent her own butler flying with a single punch. The muffled sound of chirping birds reached her ears as she gazed out at the empty wilderness beyond-where in blazes had he taken her?!-and her heart skipped a beat. Said beat was wasted as she watched her companion's prone form right itself of its own accord. Lucy balked.

"Not bad!" he commended with a small smile. "Now...again."

"What?! You can't be serious! I barely pulled that off!"

Turning his head, Naruto spat out a stray tooth.

"And you will again. I'll make sure of that."

Bloodied teeth flashed out at Lucy.

"Now...prepare yourself."

Then he flew at her.

A/N: Felt good to get back into the thick of things, even with this short little chapter.

Sorry for the second interlude but frankly it was necessary.

I'm still not fully recovered from my surgeries, and I have more planned once I've saved up enough money.

*sighs bitterly.

Still, this was fun to write! Will Lucy and Naruto's actions get them banned from Fairy Tail? One can only wonder. But one would need proof of that, no? And yes, I spared Juvia because REASONS. She's just too adorable to kill and she really doesn't deserve it. So Naruto "recruited" her, if you will. Onto another arc next chappy! Soooo...

...Review...Would you Kindly?!

And of course, enjoy the preview!

Well, potential ones at that. Hope you like em and be good~!

(Previews)

"Perhaps it would be best if you left the guild...for now."

"And I think its high time YOU...hmm. Wait. That's actually a good idea."

"Naruto!"

"What?! I'd say the old man's got the right of it."

The woman laughed at him.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun!" she cackled, her voice warping with every word. "Stop! You're splitting me in two! Now try doing it another three million times WHY DON'T YA?!"

Exasperated he struck out again, only to meet the same result.

"How many times do I have to kill you for it to stick?!"

"Less than you stuck it in Sakura~!"

"Aaargh!"

Lightning howled and an entire city block chose that moment to collapse behind them; building upon building succumbing to the grievous wounds inflicted upon it by the two titans. Heedless of the destruction, his old friend raised a hand and tumbled a thin line of blood away from his nose.

"Why can't you take this seriously?!"

The woman, rather, the form Naruto had taken to mock him, laughed louder still.

"Because that's what you WHAT, duckbutt." the butler grinned, spreading "her" arms wide. "And I'm not going to give it to you."

"Dropping the formalities. Go for a walk."

"You took an apprentice?"

"Eh, what I can say, I felt bad for her...

"And it has NOTHING to do with her tits. Nothing at all."

"Master, you wound me! To suggest I would be swayed by such a thing!"

A blond brow rose as she fiddled with the straps of her shirt.

"Is that so?" she offered a coy smile.

Naruto twitched.

"AHA!"

"Oh, you thought that would kill me? That's cute."

"You realize what this will do to you?" Naruto's voice emerged as a silken purr. "You won't be human anymore."

Through the haze, through the pain, through the crushing agony in her chest, she willed herself to speak.

Lucy braced herself, willed her spine into steel. "I don't care. Its the only way. Do it."

Her companion gazed at her overlong, considering her request.

Abruptly he slit his wrist. Crimson bubbled forth.

Gingerly he held it before her mouth.

"Drink."

R&R!=D