Nothing Left To Lose

Pairing: Gibbs/Abby

Rating: Eventually M

Spoilers: 10x1 Extreme Prejudice and 10x2 Recovery

Disclaimer: NCIS, it's characters etc are not mine...I just like to play around with them a bit.

Chapter 1

Rain soaked through the layers of clothes he wore, small droplets also covering his face and catching on his eyelashes. He blinked in an attempt to clear his vision, his eyes remaining closed for longer than they needed to be...as if darkness would somehow make everything clearer and bring him the answers he was looking for.

It didn't.

When his eyes reopened, the burden that weighed down on every part of him was just as heavy.

A tiny stream of water trickled from his wet hair, down the side of his face and neck to add to the wet material that clung to him, coldness permeating right through him even though the night was relatively warm.

He'd been standing there, out on the street looking up at her apartment for almost an hour.

Waiting...for what, not even he really knew.

So many times he'd had the courage to do what others couldn't, to do the things most normal people believed impossible, but now Gibbs found that he was unable to manage the simplest of things.

He couldn't tell the most important person in his life that he loved her.

The woman whose heart was always open, her trust and loyalty never ending. The woman who would never hurt anyone and who had made his life more complete and worth living. She had the gentlest and most caring soul he'd ever known...and he was scared of her.

His girl.

His Abby.

He wanted to talk to her, but he just didn't know what to say, or how to say it. He'd never been good with dealing with his emotions, much less talking about them, so trying to figure out how to tell her how he felt without screwing up, without forcing her to retreat from him, was going to take some working up to.

Earlier, when he'd parked his car out on the street Gibbs had gotten out and looked up towards her window, hoping that somehow by being this close to her he'd be able to shed all his fears and allow her to see the real man underneath the masks he kept so securely in place. But he hadn't moved, his body frozen in place, his gaze trained up on her window.

As he stood there conflicting thoughts continued to run through his mind; he didn't want to risk the chance of losing her and their friendship, but after everything that had happened with Harper Dearing, Gibbs didn't want to keep on living without her, he couldn't stand the thought that he might one day lose her.

They'd both had their fair share of disastrous relationships, his fling with Dr Ryan the most recent casualty. He'd tried his best to make things work with her, but more than anything she was just someone who was there so he wasn't alone. She was a warm body to try and fill the void in his heart that was only reserved for Abby.

Ryan's demands that he share parts of himself and her manipulative ways of trying to get into his head had taken their toll on him, and although he would've tried to help her and her son, Gibbs wasn't sorry their relationship had come to an end. She didn't understand him, and he doubted whether she ever really wanted to, he'd merely just been someone more challenging for her to try and read.

In the end it didn't matter, she was gone and he had to take this chance with Abby now before she found someone else and he'd be forced to live with even more regret. He couldn't go on with that hanging over his head any more...the realization that one day she could find happiness with another.

Gibbs had come face to face with death, again, but this time Abby had been right there with him. They'd both made it out alive, but the scars still remained, especially for Abby. They were all dealing with the aftermath of the explosion at NCIS in different ways, but the one thing that had remained the same was that Abby knew she could turn to him.

Since persuading her to contact her biological brother several days ago Abby's nightmares had become less frequent but the ramifications of what those nightmares had made her realize had been something Gibbs was still trying to deal with.

When Abby had told him she felt alone, it had torn at his heart. He'd almost told her how he felt then and there, but Gibbs had known she needed to make the connection with her brother. The explosion at NCIS had brought all her fears to the surface and the unfinished business with her brother was something that had been playing on her mind for months, all she'd needed was a nudge in the right direction.

Now that Abby had finally started to form a bond with Kyle and her nightmares seemed to be getting better, Gibbs felt like it was time for him to put his heart on the line and show the same amount of trust in her that she had shown in him. She'd turned to him with something so personal, something she couldn't share with anyone else, and now he needed her in the same way.

He'd always trusted her, and Gibbs hoped Abby knew he trusted her, but this was about trusting her with his heart. A part of him that he'd kept under lock and key for so long. He couldn't live with 'what ifs' anymore, he didn't want to struggle to get through each day and try to keep his true feelings to himself.

Abby needed to know she'd never be alone, that a piece of him would always be with her, regardless of whether she returned his feelings or not.

If it was possible that anything good could come out of what happened with Harper Dearing, for Gibbs it was that some things were just too precious to lose. When he'd seen her sitting in among the debris after the bomb had gone off, the relief and sense of clarity that swept over him had been absolute and almost crippling. Gibbs knew he had to tell Abby how he felt about her, it was just a matter of when.

He'd gone through the heartache of losing everything once and he refused to let that happen again with Abby. Gibbs knew she was worth risking his heart for, and he wanted the chance to be with her. Not just for conversations over the phone at 3am or for the brief physical contact they had, Gibbs wanted to really be with her.

The time for hesitating was over.

Waiting for the road to clear of traffic Gibbs pushed his weary body away from where he leaned against his car and walked over to her apartment building. He had a spare set of keys she'd given him years ago and briefly contemplated whether he should call her first, just in case she didn't want him there. But he knew if he talked to her there was every chance he'd back out and force himself to endure more of the torment he'd been going through for weeks...months...years.

Gibbs unlocked the main door then took the stairs up to her apartment. When he reached her door he stood outside, listening for anything that might give him a clue as to what Abby was doing. But there was nothing, only silence.

He lifted his hand and placed it against the door frame, his other hand massaging his forehead.

"Man up Marine..." he mumbled under his breath. "It's just Abby."

Putting the key into the door and turning it Gibbs swallowed then slowly pushed it open. He waited to hear Abby's voice or the sound of her tv or music playing but he was greeted with quiet.

Opening the door further Gibbs looked around the corner, keeping the rest of his body hidden. He noticed her sprawled out on the couch as he scanned the room with his eyes, sighing as conflict raged through him again; this time about whether he should leave her to sleep or continue through with his plan before he changed his mind.

She looked so beautiful and peaceful, curled up sleeping on her side, her hands nestled in under the pillow her head rested on. Gibbs was drawn to her, Abby seemingly calling out to him even in sleep.

It wouldn't hurt to stay for a while he tried to tell himself, if only to watch her as she slept.

Approaching the couch Gibbs took slow steps, his gaze never moving away from Abby once. When he reached her he crouched down beside her, holding his breath as he took in the features of her face and the gentle rise and fall of her chest.

Gibbs knew with absolute certainty that he wanted to fall asleep next to her, and he wanted to wake up each morning holding her. The phone calls in the middle of the night had only served to show him how he needed to be there next to her no matter what time it was.

In a way, her nightmares had been just as upsetting and worrying to Gibbs as they had been for Abby. He never minded being there for her when she needed him, but it was the anguish of knowing she was hurting and he couldn't be with her that tore him apart.

He'd tossed and turned every night after she'd called him and several times he'd even gotten dressed and sat out in his truck, ready to go to her apartment so he could check on her properly...and hold her. But in the end Gibbs had reasoned with himself that mentally Abby wasn't ready to hear what he had to say, so he'd returned to the coldness of the couch and stared up at the ceiling all night instead of seeking out her warmth and giving her the comfort he wanted so badly to.

Reaching out, Gibbs gently caressed her cheek with his hand, the feel of her soft skin the final straw in keeping himself under control.

"Abbs..." he whispered, exhaling slowly.

It had escaped against Gibbs' will, his longing evident in the pained tone of his voice. But that one whispered word had been enough to break her out of slumber, and when her long dark eyelashes began to flutter open, Gibbs felt his heart start to pound in his chest.

He heard her breathing hitch, his eyes watching her lips as she licked them before his gaze lifted to the sleepy emerald orbs that were beginning to focus on him.

Gibbs knew it was now or never; he could let his guard down and tell her exactly how he felt or he could make up an excuse for why he was there. But if he gave her up now...if he lost her, then he had nothing left, because she was it for him, Abby was all that mattered.

TBC...