Title: What it means to love

Pairing: Tsugaru x Izaya, Shizuo x Izaya

Summary: They have this 'chasing and being chased' game for many years. Shizuo thought he knew Izaya more than anyone else, but did he? For he'd never know, even someone like Izaya is capable of loving someone… deeply. Eventually Shizaya.

Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Durarara, it is belong to its rightful owner Ryohgo Narita. Also the line at the very top of my story comes from Eternal snow song.

Warning: it contains Male x Male relationship, so if you can't stand this genre, I suggested you to turn back now. You have been warned~

A/N: First, I need to make it clear that I will be writing this story in two timeline. Italic is the past, while the present will be the usual words. (Also, '…' mark means inner thought). Also, huge thank you to my friend's older sister for beta-ing this. Well, enjoy :)

If this is how it feels,

I didn't want to know what it was like to be in love with someone…

My tears won't stop,

And so I wish that I never met you…

Ikebukuro, like usual, is buried with people walking on its street. As noisy as it always been, it is another peaceful day, at least for Ikebukuro most fearful person, Heiwajima Shizuo. His day is fairly normal. He wakes up, eats, works, sleeps; just a real common life, except for the fact that now he is grabbing the neck of a middle-age man, lifting him up about 30cm from the floor, with a glare that for sure showing an intense anger toward the man in front of him.

The poor man, trembling in fear, obviously afraid for his own life, trying hard looking at the eyes of the man on bartender uniform in front of him, with his shaking voice, stuttered, "P-Pl-please, let- let me go. I- I—I promise, I will pay my debt soon, I swear!"

Shizuo hissed, still looking at the man with murderous eyes, "I don't give a damn whatever excuse you're giving! Look here! You, fucking pay your debt, NOW, or else-!"

Shizuo tighten his grab on the man, nearly chocking him to death if not for his boss interfere.

"Shizuo, let him go. You're going to kill him at this rate, and he won't be able to pay his debt if he died," said Tom casually as he walked towards Shizuo.

Shizuo growl, released the man reluctantly, and then walked away to the street sign near him, resting his back against it. Tom seems to be talking to the man, reasoned him as to why he need to pay off his debt, and not to make his bodyguard pissed off more than he already is. Shizuo taking out a cigarette case from his pocket, pulled out one of them, and lit it up. He inhaled then exhaled the smoke, trying to calm down his anger, even though it usually doesn't help much.

He feels tired and wants today's job end as quickly as possible. He doubts it'll be happened though, as he saw Tom still arguing with the man. Shizuo feels his eyebrow twitch, his anger start to build up again, he just want to beat up that fucking bastard, since it's obvious the man wasn't going pay off his debt. Tom always just too soft for his own good, well, that's just how he is, though he just going to waste his kindness on someone who doesn't even deserves it. Tom should just let Shizuo handle the man and get this over soon.

Shizuo exhaled his fifth cigarette. His patient start to burn out and he know for sure he is going to explode soon. He takes a look at the street, who knows he will find something or someone to vent his anger with. As he looks around, he spotted a raven haired man with fur-trimming jacket walking on the street. For some reason, Shizuo has always been able to find the fucking flea, no matter how crowded the place is and it really only restricted to that man.

Shizuo feels anger boiled up immediately the moment he saw the informant, the cigarette he's held snap into two. He throws it to the ground and starts walking towards him after pulling out the street sign he is resting against just a while ago. Tom seems to realize what is Shizuo going to do, asking him where he is going, though nothing seems to enter Shizuo head, except for the need to kill the louse right away.

He walked straight towards the raven, "I-ZA-YAAAAAA!"

The crowd started panic and run, knowing very well at what is going to happen. The moment those two infamous people met, destruction is unavoidable and any sane person would keep their distance out of them, if they still want to live, that's it. They spread out aimlessly and the path was opened for Shizuo, much to his delight. He is glad no one was standing on his way from killing the informant, although those people, of course, was doing it out of fear.

"IZAYAAAAAAAAA!"

Silence. There is no sound come out. Aside from the crowd of course, the fact that Izaya is actually not responding him, makes Shizuo even angrier.

Heck! The flea didn't even turn around! Usually, Izaya would already tease him with his smirk and start their damn chasing game, but what the fuck?! Much less answering, he didn't even try to run!

Shizuo growl, tighten his grab on the street sign, 'that flea, what the hell is he planning now?'

Whatever it was, it would never be good news as long as the flea was involved. Shizuo hissed, he lift up the street sign he was holding. "IZAYAAA!"

The poor street sign was flying towards Izaya, barely missed him a few inches above his hair. As if he was just waking up from his trance, Izaya whirl around and spotted Shizuo walking towards him with a glare full of killing intense.

Izaya just stare at Shizuo, still doesn't say anything and seems to freeze up on the spot. It seems like he just realized what situation he was in when Shizuo got closer to him. Izaya didn't even spare a glance at Shizuo as he start to turn his back and run away from the blond.

And so the chasing begins. Shizuo run fast, following Izaya as the raven swiftly pass through the crowd, trying to lose Shizuo. Unfortunately, Shizuo had been chasing after the informant for how many fucking years, that he already knew the trick Izaya often used to get away from him. For sure, Izaya turn to his right and run into an alley.

Shizuo followed after Izaya as he see the man run through some cardboard, trash, bricks, and anything else that lay over the alley. The flea sure is agile as none of those things manage to stop him at all. Shizuo could do a park-our as well, but he must admit that Izaya is far better than him, as he could always dodge almost everything Shizuo throw to him. Of course, there was time when he managed to hit Izaya, and Shizuo was sure as hell he would never forget those 'glorious' moments.

Shizuo saw Izaya suddenly stop. He looked over Izaya and saw a dead-end. The blonde grinned, he slower his speed and walk towards Izaya, then stop a few step from the raven, "Looks like you got nowhere to run anymore, huh, flea?"

Izaya didn't answer. Instead, he just stood there and stared at Shizuo, with an expression Shizuo couldn't fathom. Shizuo maybe not the smartest person ever, on the contrary he was a really simple person. He never think much and let his instinct or feeling led him, that's actually the very reason why Izaya could never controlled Shizuo, as he would always called him protozoan, Neanderthal, brute or worst, monster, which always been able to make Shizuo lost his temper. The flea is always a sly person, manipulative bastard who always love to mess with people. You could never believed him, as he always twists his words around, playing with people feeling, full of fakeness. Nevertheless, Shizuo can't help but to sense there is something odd about Izaya.

As Shizuo opened up his mouth, about to say something, Izaya beat him to it.

"Ara, Shizu-chan, how persistent of you, follow me up to here. But then again that's what you always do. So, how can I help you, hmm?" Izaya smirked as he lean against the concrete behind him.

Shizuo growled, "Tch! I told you to stay out of Ikebukuro, flea."

"but, Shizu-chan, unlike you, I have a lot of business here, so it's out of question to stay out, besides, as far as I know, you do not own Ikebukuro, I'm free to do as I pleased~" Izaya said with a singsong voice.

"The hell I care! I said stay out of here and that's that! And stop calling me by that fucking nickname!" Shizuo shout angrily as he walked towards Izaya, gripping his hand into a fist.

"No way~ I would never stop calling you Shizu-chan. it's a cute name you know, 'Shizu-chan', even though it meant for a monster like you," Izaya said mockingly. "Besides, have I ever listened to you, Shizu-chan?"

'That's it!' Shizuo gritted, he lost the last straw of his patient. His body raging ups with anger that waiting to be released. The blond was not wasting time stomping furiously toward Izaya, ready to vent out his anger.

Izaya motion himself as he saw Shizuo coming closer to him. He glances around to see his surrounding, searching for a way out. There is none though, his only way of escaping is through the road behind Shizuo.

"Ne, Shizu-chan, have you done yet? You know, as much as I love to, I actually don't have time to play with you today," said Izaya as he reaching out for his switchblade inside his pocket.

"Why don't you step aside and make a way for me?"

As Izaya about to pull out his switchblade, Shizuo had already stood right in front of him, grabbed his hand then slammed it to the wall. Izaya froze up. He is caught between the blond arms. Usually Izaya wouldn't make such a blunder mistake. He was a cautious person and would always hold his guard up. However today is different, he seems really distracted. The raven for once doesn't have a clue of what to do. The fact is he actually aimlessly walking around and doesn't even realize he had arrived at Ikebukuro. He got a lot on his mind and just too distracted to have himself messing with the brute. Izaya didn't want to see anyone, much less the blond. Just… not today.

'Today… is that day…'

Izaya stared at Shizuo for a second then quickly found himself looking at the ground, didn't even care when the blond grabbed his neck and lift him up, almost chocking him up. Shizuo hissed, annoyed at his silent and confused as to why the raven didn't even try to release himself.

"What flea? Too scared even for speak? Never thought I would catch you, huh?" taunt Shizuo with a husky voice full of anger.

Still, Izaya didn't speak. He just continues stare at the ground, ignoring Shizuo completely. The bodyguard tried to see Izaya expression, but the informant just continuously lowered his head down that a few strands of black locks end-up covering his face.

'What the hell?!' The flea just ignoring him! There really is something wrong with Izaya. The raven not only refuses to speak. Fuck that! He didn't even try to move. There is no way Izaya would just give up like that.

'He must be planning something', Shizuo thought as he glared at Izaya, tighten his grip.

"Izaya-kun~ what are you planning? You think you could just shut up, feigning innocence? What is it?! You must be up to no good, now, Spit it out!" Shizuo shout as he slammed Izaya hard into the wall.

'Stop it…'

Izaya twitch as the pain hit him, but still he didn't voiced out at all. Shizuo feels his anger build up even more by the act.

No smirk. No taunt.

He hates how the flea just ignoring him. He hates how the flea refuses to look at him.

Shizuo hissed, "Dammit! Flea! Look at me!" Shizuo tilted Izaya chin up so that the raven eyes settled at him.

Ruby met amber. He couldn't help but saw the blond eyes full of anger, desperation, and… concerned?

Izaya immediately averted his eyes. He just looked at anywhere else except Shizuo's. He didn't want that eyes look at him.

Not when he feels vulnerable.

Not when he feels weak.

Not when he couldn't even put on his mask.

Not when he couldn't protect himself.

Not when that honey orbs penetrated through him.

Especially…

Not when that eyes looks just like… him…

Shizuo growl as he saw Izaya turning his eyes from him… again. "I said look at me!"

'Stop it…'

Shizuo once again tilted Izaya's head towards him, roughly.

'Stop it..!'

Izaya saw the amber glared at him furiously. 'Ah… it really resembles him…'

The raven feels his heart beat really fast, his body heat up. He could feel his eyes start to blurry, because of… tears.

Izaya immediately close his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want anyone see him crying, and most of all, not Shizuo.

'Don't look at me.'

Shizuo noticed. He would never thought to see the flea…

"Oi, flea…"

'Don't look at me with that face.'

"Oi, flea!" Shizuo shakes Izaya's body hard, "Flea, what's wrong with you?!"

'Don't look at me with the same face as him…'

"Flea!" Shizuo unconsciously released his grip on Izaya's hand. He put the raven down then placing both of his hand on Izaya's shoulder, shaking it hard. "Dammit!"

"Izaya!"

'…Don't—'

'…Don't call my name.' Izaya begged, his body start shaking.

"Izaya! Answer me!"

'…Not with that voice—'

"Oi, Izaya!"

'Don't call my name with the same voice as him.'

"Izaya! Hey, Izaya!"

'No…'

'No...!'

'No! Stop it!' Izaya scream desperately in his head.

'I don't want to remember!'

Izaya starts breathing harshly. His closed eyes feel heavy of tears. He could feel his heart pounding quickly.

The memories he buried deep inside were returned, like a film, it all played back to him one by one.

The memories he tried to seal deep inside his heart. The memories he tried really hard to forget. The memories… of him.

A figure flashed up on his mind, a blond haired man in blue and white kimono-clad.

'…Tsugaru…'

A/N: it's… done… (The chapter one, I mean). I honestly feel so moved knowing I actually able to get this typed down (you see, I'm a lazy-ass). Well, I'm open to constructive critics, suggestion, etc, that would help me improve my writing, or any of your thought of this story are totally welcome!

Thank you so much for reading :)