All things belong to the others. Wil Wheaton is a national treasure. All Klingon phrases are loose translations.

Original Klingon

Amy and Bernadette's cunning plan was small. Slipping Klingon words into conversations with Wil, then acting like he was crazy. Little things. Not enough to derail the pilot (which had become sacrosanct because of Penny's involvement), just enough to give the Ensign an eye twitch. They also cleverly maintained their usual irritating tactics of texting him obscure, yet ominous quotations in the middle of the night.

In short, they were living rent free right in the middle of Wil Wheaton's brain.

Even though they vehemently did not want a writing credit, Amy and Bernadette had recreated the script based on their ZINO theorem. Wil had been so pleased with their effort, he didn't object to the juicy, break out role they had written for Penny. She was the beautiful, battle-hardened, yet tender ex-marine, who is the only one doing a damn thing about these damn zombies. Her love interest/sexy scientist was the fabulous Sean Maher of Firefly fame (the boys burst into flames with delight at being within two degrees of separation to Joss Wheddon!)

The morning they were going to screen the pilot for the first time, Wil woke up with the following message on his phone.

Ensign: "It's the proper morning to fly into Hell" And do you want me to grab you a coffee? Bernie and I are stopping at the Bean. Fear me; AFF

Wil glared at his phone, really, the Crucible? Well, at least he recognized the quote. And he could get it for his Nook. 15 minutes later, he typed.

Dr. FOULER: "The devil is precise." Medium red-eye, if you please. From hell, WW

10 seconds later…

Ensign: "HALE, with a tasty love of intellectual pursuit" Anything for you, you little hunk of honey bunch… Meet us a Los Robles xoxoxo AFF

The dark sisters drove him crazy. But he couldn't even complain. Nobody cared. The years of his legendary bastardy indicated he would receive no sympathy from anyone. Even Sheldon just shook his head and told him that his brain was not exceptional enough for Amy to waste time experimenting on. When presented with the possibility that Amy was being mean without regard to science, Sheldon replied, "Don't anger her. She is wise and just. Remember, a clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

What the hell did that mean? Why were all these people so damned ominous?

No better luck with Howard. He acknowledged that what Wil was saying was true and that it might be as bad as he said it was. However, there was nothing Howard could do, even if he wanted to help. And he didn't. Then Howard, traitor, armed Bernadette and Amy with the novelization of Star Trek the Original Motion Picture. That turned into a bad weekend because they mixed that up with quotes from the Idylls of the King. He had vomited from the stress.

Then he tried Penny, implying that her role would be in danger if Wil went to the looney bin. She shrugged, admitting that, yes, she had seen the texts and no, she didn't know why he was so upset. Especially since he seemed to be keeping up.

"Do you know how much of my day is now spent trying to find quotations?" he asked with wild eyes. "And I have to find whatever text they are referencing… I thought they were scientists! How the hell are they quoting Rousseau back at me like it isn't a thing?

Penny grimaced, "Ensign, they are really smart. I mean, I think they are smarter than the guys, and that is saying a lot. I hate to say this, boss, but they are not evening putting much effort in to driving you crazy." Then she smiled, like she was proud of them. Clearly, Penny was queen of the evil triumvirate. Just his luck.

Wil tried everything but directly asking them to stop, which, irony reigns supreme, would have ceased the quotation campaign immediately.

He then had to spend two weeks in Vancouver with them. All three of them. And Sean Maher, who thought the whole texting thing was HILARIOUS. So he gave them a copy of the novelization of Serenity which they mixed up with the philosophy of Nietzsche. And this was horrible because a lot of it sounded the same but meant the opposite… He (again) stress vomited.

He didn't care. This show was going to put him back on top. Penny was not too bad as the female lead. She was physically able to do stunts, could handle a fake gun and an axe. And her acting… well, this wasn't Shakespeare. The dark sisters wanted basically no credit, being totally embarrassed by the entire thing…

Light bulb.

Wil smiled evilly and raced out the door. Vengeance would be his. He was dragging the evil ones out of the shadows and into the spotlight.

He picked the trio of seething darkness up at Sheldon and Leonard's apartment. Amy smiled her usual cool smile and handed him his coffee, "Morning Ensign, qab ram on the holo-deck?"

There! She did it! "Klingon!" he twitched.

"What's wrong, honey bunch? Did someone So' lIj 'etlh in the tar pits?" Bernadette asked with wide eyes. "We should really be going if we don't want to get caught behind a jagh Duj on the freeway."

"You are speaking Kliingon!" the twitching was charming, "They are! You heard them!" He appealed to Leonard.

"All I heard was Amy asking you if you had a rough night on the holo-deck, then Bernie asking if you someone dropped your sword in the tar pits and said you guys don't want to get behind an enemy vessel on the freeway." Leonard smiled. He really couldn't stand Wheaton. Watching the girls torment him was just so sweet. "Girls, don't mock the Trek," he said with mock sternness, "Wil's getting cranky."

"What's going on?" Sheldon asked, coming into the room.

"Wil had a qab ram on the holo-deck." Leonard answered.

"taH pa' loDnI'."

"Translate, please." Amy requested, winking at Leonard, "You know we don't speak Klingon."

"Been there brother." Sheldon obliged her, "You should learn it though."

Wil hissed and ran out of the apartment. The girls smiled brightly, waved goodbye and followed him down the stairs.

Leonard folded his arms over his chest and looked quizzically at his roommate.

"Amy has never told me that she can speak Klingon. So I must presume that she cannot." Sheldon hedged.

"Like a liar would?" the shorter man grinned.

"I am not a liar, I am just choosing not to accept something as fact without explicit confirmation from a trusted source." Sheldon said, hiding a smirk. He might be friends with Wil, now. But friendship was much less important that the thrill of his woman's cunning and villainy.

When Wil and the dark sisters arrived at the studio, they were greeted by reporters… or bloggers and whatnot. He pushed Penny out in front and introduced her as the second coming of that chick from Battlestar Galatica, as he pulled the evil ones back, "I am going to out you both." He hissed.

Amy raised an eyebrow and Bernadette giggled, "As what, Ensign?"

"Sci-fi screen writers." He gloated.

Pause.

"Go ahead." Amy narrowed her eyes, "Admit that you didn't have members of the screenwriters guild penning your little series. And that you haven't paid us anything."

Wil blanched.

"Yep," Bernadette nodded, "Hollywood is a union town. My dad was in a union, they get touchy when you hire scabs."

"And then the actors union and the directors union get pissy, then the teamsters… Do you get where I am going with this?" Amy asked. Stepping closer to him, "Now, the only thing you can out us, without getting into a passel of trouble, for is being consultants. Reluctant consultants."

"And," Bernadette closed in on the flank, "Why would you tarnish your success? Why would you share the glory that belongs to you alone?"

"Quit slipping in Klingon words into conversation," he bleated. "And no more texts."

Amy started to nod in agreement but Bernie stopped her, "One or the other." The tiny terror grinned.

"Fine. Stop the texts." He pouted.

"Oh, thank god!" Amy threw her hands up, "I am running out of qan paqmey." (ancient texts)

Wil twitched and went back to the bloggers, weakly waving his hand that Amy and Bernadette should go into the screening.

"I think we broke him." Bernadette said, smiling fondly. "maH Qapta'"

"I think we did." Amy said, following her gaze, "vaj taH 'oH"

A/N; might do an epilogue if there is interest. The last 2 lines translate loosely as Victory is ours and So be it. I just had to finish this!