A/N: not really much to say till the end tbh other than thanks for reading and enjoy!

Warning: ANGST

I don't anything other than the plot and my ocs.

Leave with Me

Chapter Nineteen: Only the Young

The first time Ryoua thought she was going to lose a child was not until her second lifetime, though she had lost Saffieria relatively young but she had been on the brink of death during that time as well and had not even been able to see her daughter before she died herself. Akefia and his illness had been all too alarmingly real, however, and she had to practically sit back and watch as he died before her. She had been lucky enough for him to live, but then she hadn't felt so lucky when she became pregnant with Ahmed and nearly lost him before he came into the world.

And now she felt that same helplessness she did while watching her Akefia nearly die as she watch Ahmed lay sick before her. She prayed for it to just be her own paranoia controlling her fear and nothing more.

Ryoua wiped the sweat from his brows and they furrowed in his sleep as a result. She was beyond frustrated by this point, considering she knew the symptoms of this and it couldn't be more than a common cold, but she had little to no knowledge about medicine. This, again, frustrated her even more since she had previously been in a lifetime where medicine had been abundant and this disease was no more worrisome than a stuffy nose and yet here she was, fearing for the life of her son with no solid idea how to help him.

She was thankful, however, that she had finally gotten him to sleep. Ahmed had been inconsolable the entire night and she'd been desperately confused and scared in how to calm him and help him sleep.

He had been sobbing and screaming for hours, probably just as confused on what was happening as her. He was barely three years old- he had no idea what it was like to be sick or be in pain like this. Singing to him, though, she found that he could calm down easier and she was then able to get nutrients into his body.

Ryoua had to admit that she was never very good at it, but Ahmed didn't seem to think so. Her humming calmed him down enough to where he didn't fight against her hold and laid against her chest, small hiccups and sniffles echoing through to late night air; she smoothed down his black curls as he laid there and sang to him until he slept, breath even and his small chest pushing against her stomach as he breathed deep.

Before this, she hadn't let herself sob- only a few stray tears. But now she let them fall and she tried her best to hold back the sobs that ripped through her, fingers still combing through his hair as he slept. He was exhausted, she doubted she'd even wake up till mid afternoon. Ryoua didn't mind if that gave him some release from his suffering, but she was scared that she'd never be able to see that toothless smile of his again. He was fine now, though who could say that he would be in a years time? Or four years? Who knew how long he'd make it?

She knew chances of him surviving would be low- that was common for this time period anyways, but it didn't mean the facts didn't hurt her any less. It didn't mean her chest didn't fill with less dread every time her son coughed or breathed a little uneven.

But now those fears were very, very warranted. She had every single reason to be afraid of losing her child.

She held him as he slept in her arms, rubbing his back and continuing to hum to ease him even through his sleep. Ryoua leaned down and pressed her lips the his curly head of hair, hating that he smelled of blood and tears. As a mother, she felt absolutely worthless that there was truly nothing she could do. She had to sit there and watch her child's body tear itself apart.

Atem kept distance, which gave her relief and yet angered her all in the same instance. How dare he not be there for his own son- the heir to his throne that she nearly died attempting to carrying and give birth to. It made her absolutely livid, yet still she kept her mouth shut. What point was there in picking a fight with him, especially at this point?

Not to mention, she still feared him- feared his anger. He had given her absolutely no reason to fear him or his wrath, but Ryoua could never get herself to argue with him. (1)

However, they still attempted to enjoy the third year of his birth with heavy hearts, even though their son himself wasn't even all that up for celebrating. The very real fear of this possibly being his last birthday hung in the air like a stench her heart and mind were unable to get rid of.

"Mama," Ahmed said shakily, his small hand clutching his white shirt, "my chest hurts."

Ryoua felt her brows furrow and she knelled down in front of him, giving him a worried look. "I know, baby, I know," she says softly, "I'm sorry that mama can't do anything. You're my strong boy, you know that?"

His little face was contorted in pain, and his green eyes were filled with tears, but he nodded and moved to wrap himself in his mother's arms. "Don't wanna be strong anymore, mama,"

Ryoua felt her stomach drop and she instinctively wrapped her arms around him tighter, in fear that he wouldn't be there if she let him go. Her son Akefia had said the same thing when he was sick and he had gotten better when she'd been convinced he wouldn't, but her doubts were suffocating her. Akefia had grown up in an era with medicine that she could only dream of having in this moment.

Akefia might have been dying then, too, but even his chances were higher than Ahmed's.

"You don't have to be strong anymore if you don't want to, baby," she tells him- even though she doesn't want to. Asking Ahmed to be strong for her was selfish, she thought, and if he was truly hurting as much as she thought, then she wouldn't pray for him to stay here if all he would do is suffer. "You can let go if you want to."

Ahmed probably didn't even understand what she meant- he was too young to even understand the concept of death, really. All he knew was that he was in pain, and even then he didn't understand why.

"Tired," is all he manages to say, moving to curl up in her lap. She held him there, not ever wanting to let him go from her arms, but knowing that one day she would have to would be there hardest.

Atem told her that he was leaving to discuss things a bordering country the next day after she had finally got Ahmed to sleep after over two hours of screaming and crying of her son's part when another coughing fit had struck him. Ryoua felt anger well up when he told her, and she did her best not to show it, but ended up accusing him of not loving their child since he was leaving when their child when he was so close to dying.

"He's my son, too, Ryoua," Atem said coolly, sighing. "I love him just as much as you do."

She felt immediate regret, because she knew that she had lashed out due to her own insecurities, especially regarding her and Atem's relationship. She didn't love him and their loveless marriage made her feel like he couldn't love their son. Part of her forgot he really was the father of Ahmed, that Bakura wasn't and that Atem really did love Ahmed because he was his son.

Her guilt about loving Bakura and yearning for Ahmed to have been his son instead usually came to a head when they argued, but she would never tell Atem that. She was sure that he knew at this point that she had fallen out of love with him.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm scared."

"I know, I am too. Trust me, I don't want to leave," he tells her, barely meeting her gaze, "I would much rather stay here and make sure he's okay, but I have a duty as king that I must attend to- whether I like it or not."

"I know, I'm sorry," Ryoua murmured quietly.

"You don't have to apologize. We're both stressed out, it's okay to be angry."

She looks down at her hands, not wanting to look at him as guilt filled her, and chose not to say anything; Atem seemingly got tired of her silence and left, leaving her to her own devices.

Atem's trip took over two months, and in those months Ryoua hadn't realized how tense her husband's presence made her. She hated herself for that- for resenting Atem.

Why was it so hard to love him?

Loving Bakura made things complicated and it tended to hurt everyone involved, so why was it so hard to not be with him? When it came to distance between them, it always made her long for him more. Her only wish at this point was for Bakura to hold her- even if it was just for a moment, that's all she wanted.

She felt pathetic, longing for a man who'd she had pushed away time and time again. He had tried to save them from this fate in their second lifetime; he had told her that he loved her, but he was certain that they shouldn't be together- that they needed to be as far away from each other as possible for their own sake's. He had tried to tell her, but she just pushed and pushed and pushed until he understood how much she wanted to be with him- how much she couldn't and wouldn't be without him.

Gods, if he remembered any of those words either of them had spoken he really would never speak to her if their paths ever crossed again and she really couldn't say she could blame him if he did.

"Mama," she heard Ahmed speak softly from where his head lay on her chest, rousing to look up at her- his brows knit together with a look of concern, "why cry?"

Ryoua tried to force a smile, but the tears fell anyways. "Mama's okay, promise."

His lip turned down into a frown, but he seemed to accept the answer and laid his head back on her chest, little fingers gripping at her dress.

She hated crying so much around Ahmed. He deserved a mother who smiled and laughed and who shined bright like the sun with happiness- not one that cried every second of the day. She didn't want his only memories of his childhood to be of her crying.

Ryoua was relieved that he hadn't been sick in nearly a month, smothering some of her fears. She just hoped things would get better.

When Atem arrived back, not much was said between them, but they both knew their marriage was failing. They didn't even have to talk about it, and everyone else seem to notice as well, considering countless people offered to watch over Ahmed so that their king and queen may have privacy since it was often that they did.

Two months apart didn't seem to make either of them sad with the distance, either.

She couldn't deny it, though, there had been a spark between them- if only just for a second- but it had been there and it had lit at the worst of times which led her to staying with Atem. Bakura had claimed that she would've stayed here either way, but she wasn't sure if that was true. Even in the height of her feelings for Atem, there had always been doubts and he knew that, too.

That spark, however, had died a very long time ago and they had went from lovers to feeling like complete strangers in each other's presence. Atem didn't even feel like the same person she had once had feelings for- at all.

Ryoua had never been his, and she never would be- no matter how many lifetimes they lived.

She wanted to feel that guilt again, but it wouldn't come. It wouldn't come because she knew Atem didn't love her either- he never had, not then and certainly not now, and whether he knew that or not was beyond her.

She knew at some point they would need to speak about it, but now wasn't that time. Her son needed a mother above all else, especially now. They would be parents together, but nothing more.

A/N: it's a struggle lmao. HOPE YALL ENJOYED THERE'S GONNA BE ANGST FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF CHAPTERS LIKE THIS ONE SORRY

(1): this is refering to Ryoua's ptsd because Atem raped her repeatedly in a past life, just in case yall forgot. I figured that maybe some would be confused, especially because that's more something I've really established in the rewrite of the beginning of Stay with Me than anything. And I want to emphasize how hard it is to have ptsd, especially from sexual assault and rape and all of that shit because it's not something that goes away completely, even with time.

THANKS FOR READING HOPE YALL DONT HATE ME LOVE UUUUU also this was not proof read before posting it will be done at a later date sorr. please tell me what ya thought and be nice lol!