Chapter One: The Powerlessness

Nothing lasts forever,
except you and me.
Love will last forever,
between you and me.

I am a mountain,
I am the sea,
you can't take that away from me.

"Emily!" Katie's scream and laugh hopped over the heads of the other passengers flowing through the arrival gate. I found her head bobbing and her hand waving as she maneuvered herself towards me. "God, I can't believe you're here!" I adjusted my hip and the heaviness in my arms and finally found her. The faint breathing on my neck reminded me of the humid air back in Guatemala. I smiled despite it all.

Katie appeared out of nowhere, and her sudden tangibility actually scared me. To be so near to something I once knew better than myself, after a long absence, you realize you are clueless. There's this heaviness in that realization that you essentially start over, and will never be as good as you once were.

"Katie," I sighed, staring at her as if she were a mirage. I hadn't heard her voice in over two years. I hadn't seen her face in longer, except for a photograph that never ages, and leaves you with the feeling that you are simply looking at someone who never existed.

"Come here," she grabbed me before I could object. Her arms were strong and clung tightly, so I stood there, allowing myself to be hugged, allowing myself to sink into her shoulder slowly, afraid to commit to it completely just yet, because though it was familiar, it was not at the same time. That flavor you can't quite remember from when you were a kid that your favorite great aunt used to make cookies. The one you can't replicate. But as the seconds crept along, I let myself taste. I smelled like I'd been traveling as long as I had, but the usually meticulous sister of mine didn't seem to mind as much. "I've been so worried. I thought I'd never see you again," she sighed, rubbing my back with one arm. She squeezed. She hushed. She soothed sweetly and calmly and ferociously.

"I told you I'd be back," I tried to scold her for worrying. I tried to make her laugh and not seem so set on my demise.

"You can't blame me for not believing you," she smiled, pulling back finally. I watched her eyes search my face. She ran her hand along my forehead, thumbing the stitches in one corner, pushing away my dirty hair. I watched her mouth grow tight and her nostrils flare once, twice. Finally, she met my eyes and gave me a small smile while nodding to herself. "And you definitely didn't mention that you were bringing someone back with you." Her arm, which had since been wrapped around the little girl in my arms, dropped away slightly.

I hadn't had much time to fill Katie in on the finer points of my return home during the five minute phone call with a gun to my back and a mercenary hissing in my ear. These are things that happen.

"Didn't really get a chance," I shrugged. "She's just..." I adjusted the toddler once again. "I couldn't. I promised." Katie looked at us both quizzically. I could see her trying to understand, and I loved that. She had grown immensely. I wondered what else changed, what stayed, what was forgotten, and what would be discovered, now.

"Let's go get your luggage, and we'll talk at home." She ran her hands up my arms. She looked at me again, identically, waiting to see, pausing to hear if I changed my mind and instead would fill her in on everything. You can practically see the urges in people's muscles and jerks betwixt synapses if you're willing to look and ignore them.

I hitched the backpack on my shoulder and looked at her sheepishly.

"I don't have any luggage," I muttered shamefully. Katie just nodded again.

"We will stop and get you a few things," Katie explained while we drove out of the parking garage of the airport. "You're going to need a jacket, and a car seat," she looked at the little girl in my lap, wrapped in some stranger from the plane's sweatshirt. I hoped she would sleep, but she was probably hungry, and scared, and rightly so to both.

"Charlie," I offered. "Her name is Charlie."

"That's no-" she started.

"I didn't pick it, her mother did," I stopped her before she could complain.

"You're not...?" she eyed me again and snapped back to the road after I shook my head. I watched her think a million thoughts. It was nice to try to figure her out again. It was nice to be distracted by her, and simply be at ease in her presence. I realized that's what this was. I hadn't felt in so long, it was as foreign as everything else felt.

"I'll explain later," I sighed, not wanting to get into it as we pulled into a shopping center. The fellow cars, the paved roads, the people, the prices, the air, the cold, the clouds, the everything. I understood what deer felt like before semis.

Katie stayed quiet while we went inside and I amazed myself with fluorescence and rows of products. I dragged my feet with anxiety and worry draining my muscles. Charlie clung to me a little more, but stayed quiet still, big brown eyes roving weakly, hand locked on the collar of my shirt.

"Everyone was waiting for you at ours," Katie started awkwardly as she grabbed a cart and directed us around the store. "But I texted Mum that you were tired, and we should try again tomorrow." I was relieved. I wanted to curl into bed and never get out of the sheets. I wanted to ask Katie to talk louder, because it was all so loud to me, but didn't. I let the noise and lights and shelves scrub me raw.

"Thank you," I affirmed as she started to throw things into the cart. I recognized my favorite shampoo and soap. She got us both toothbrushes. She filled the buggy with thoughtful things.

"We will go shopping soon enough," she decided as we strolled. I watched her sneak glances at Charlie, chew her tongue, swallow questions. I could see them all practically throwing themselves against her teeth violently. But she'd gulp them down and continue forward.

We spent about an hour grabbing what she thought we'd need. It was nice, to be taken care of again. She was a big sister. This was as easy as tying her shoes. She was born to take care of me, and she was. It was almost astounding, when you think about it. How simply genetics and blood make you bound.

"This looks new, Ems," Katie nudged her head towards the dark blue Chelsea jacket around Charlie. My arms were tired, but refused to let go. She'd meld to my side at this rate, but that was neither here nor there.

"The girl next to me on the plane gave it to her," I explained. "I think she dazzled her with these eyes," I kissed her forehead, making her blink.

"Because they're gorgeous," Katie explained. "Look at bit like yours, honestly. That's why I thought... But hers are near green mostly. Just the brown in there a bit when they're dilated."

"They're something," I agreed quietly as Katie payed.

Night was starting to creep in behind the clouds as we drove towards Katie's apartment. Though she bought a carseat, Charlie stayed in my lap, and it in its box. I stared up at windows from the car, curious as to everything that was happening behind the windows that glowed like street lamps, making connect-the-dots up the brick sides. Someone's entire life was happening, right there.

"This is it," Katie pulled into a garage and put in a number so the gate opened and we drove under the building. "Home." It was nicer than I remember our old flat being before I left. She also had a better job now then before I left, and less of a mooching boyfriend.

"Are you sure there's enough room?" I asked again, though it was probably too late. "I could go home." I didn't much know where that was, but I knew I didn't want to impose despite the ache in my bones.

"Shut up," Katie rolled her eyes and parked in a spot that I assumed corresponded to her flat number. "I have a spare. It's yours. You are home."

With that she turned off the car and we grabbed the bags. Charlie raised her head and looked about fearfully.

"She's quiet," Katie acknowledged as the lift ascended. "Haven't heard a peep since I picked you up."

"She doesn't talk," I explained. "Hasn't yet. Doesn't really make sounds either. We're not sure why..." I just looked at the little girl.

"Well, Auntie Katie is here now, and we will get everything straightened, okay?" she asked Charlie, who just looked about the lift a bit more when we stopped on her floor. She'd never been on a lift before, and I just realized how terrifying it must be. Again, I realized how unprepared I was for this. I'd been reminded repeatedly all day. First the stranger on the plane proving that I hadn't thought to even keep her warm. Second, Katie realizing she would need to brush her teeth. Now this.

"Auntie Katie?" I followed her to her door.

"Well, yeah, right?" she asked, pushing it open. She flicked alight on a second later and I decided not to argue with her.

Her flat was nice, and completely Katie in a way. The living room was bordered with a wall of windows that were illuminated by the city skyline, now a nightlight in the dark. The kitchen opened up into it, and she heaved the bags on the table in the dinning room across from it.

"Come on, let me show you where your room is, and the bathroom," she walked towards the hall and I followed after setting my bags with hers. "This is yours," she beamed, swinging open a door. Although she had moved since our last place together, everything in my room from before was there. She'd stored it, but now, my comforter was on the big bed. My pictures were framed on my wardrobe.

I walked inside slowly, taking it all in just as swiftly.

"I had Mum and Cook get some of your stuff from storage when you called," she explained. I opened the closet and found my shoes, my shirts, my jeans, still in their boxes, but there, nonetheless. "We unpacked what we could, but didn't have much time. Figured you want some of your own stuff after everything."

"I didn't..." I turned back to find her standing with an apprehensive smile in the door, waiting. "I did not expect this," I blurted, flabbergasted.

"Welcome home, Ems," she softened. "I've been waiting near three years to say that." I took a big breath. Followed by another. And another. "Let's get some food and settle you guys in a bit, yeah?" I weakly nodded and shifted my gaze to the window that looked out over the water. It was beautiful. It made me homesick, for something.

"The bathroom is right down the hall a bit," she pointed as I followed her back to the kitchen. "The next door is the office. My room is at the other side of the living room."

"This is amazing, Katie, really," I tried to not sound surprised that she could accomplish all of this.

"Things have been going pretty good," she agreed modestly. "Now, how about I feed Miss Charlie, and you go shower. You kind of reek." There it was. I'm sure that was killing her to hold in more than anything else.

I looked at Charlie. I twirled her blonde curl. I gulped.

"Come on," she motioned to the girl. "I have yummy pizza for you." Charlie looked at me. "And Mama needs to go shower, so you can hop in next." We both froze as Katie took a step and let her hands drop slightly, though still reaching.

"I'm not sure," I hesitated.

"Emily," she looked at me sternly. "You're safe." She lifted Charlie. "She's safe." Slowly, my arms fell and became aware of how empty they were, and tired from the day. "Go shower." We stood and stared at each other. Charlie searched both of our faces, no doubt aware of the similarities. Katie was the first to turn away, again, slowly. I watched her carry Charlie into the kitchen and open the fridge. The girl did not cry or jump back into my arms. I nodded and retreated to the bathroom.

I let the door click shut and soon found myself mechanically turning on water and stripping the clothes from my body. Standing before the mirror, I came to realize why Katie had to trace my face to know it was truly me. My eyes were held down by grey bags, attesting to the exhaustion I felt. My hip bones had grown more prominent, my hair dull, gritty. I didn't recognize much of myself. I stepped into the warm spray of water and felt each muscle relax. I tried to think about how I ended up here, with Charlie, that she was mine, forever now, and was I ready or did that matter? I boiled my skin. Scrubbed with soap until I was tingling and burning and scalded to another layer of dermis. I washed my hair three times, hoping it would bring back some of the red, but knowing it was darker now until I dyed it again. I stood there, naked and defeated, trying not to move.

Eventually, I turned off the water, dressed a pair of old sweats Katie set out, and toweled my hair while walking towards the kitchen. Other than an open box of pizza, it was empty. I grabbed a slice and followed the noise of running water to Katie's bathroom across the flat. I ate the pizza eagerly, wanting a second as I reached the bathroom.

Katie looked over her shoulder and smiled at me as Charlie splashed and smiled in her big tub.

"How was your shower?" she turned back to soaping up the wash cloth.

"Wonderful," I sighed, leaning against the door. I didn't notice how much better I felt to see Charlie smile. But there she was, and there it was, firmly planted between two dimples I'd forgotten. And there were those eyes, under a curly mess of shampoo-bubbled hair. And there was the nose, and the chin, and those cheeks. And she was safe and happy and alive and I felt happy, for the moment. I felt happy.

"We had some pizza," Katie informed me, scrubbing shoulders and elbows while Charlie tried to swim about the water. "She quite liked it."

"Good," I agreed.

"You know," Katie turned, pushing the hair on her head and grabbing a cup to rinse Charlie's hair. "You're quiet too." I nodded and yawned.

"I'm sorry," I offered. "Give me a day to get sorted." She nodded and went back to washing.

"We're going to have some long talks, aren't we?" she cooed at Charlie. "We are going to get everything sorted out, and I'm going to take you to find the most adorable outfits, and we'll go to the zoo, and everything, yeah?" Charlie played, obliviously.

I watched Katie with her and wondered how I got this job. I didn't know what I was doing and my sister was a natural.

She pulled the plug and hugged Charlie in a giant fuzzy towel. Her eyes met mine over Katie's shoulder and a tiny hand reached for me, followed by another. Fingers grabbed and begged.

"Hi," I lifted her from Katie. I buried my nose in her hair and felt the warm baby smell all over my sense. "Hi, darling girl." I left Katie in the bathroom and carried her to our new room.

"You smell good," I affirmed, laying her on the bed. "We both do," I added. "We've come a ways, huh?" I dried her off and earned a smile. "I promised that I'd get you safe and keep you happy, and I will do my best," I promised. "I don't know what I'm doing." I slipped a shirt over her head and sat on the bed, pulling her into my lap. "But from now on, it's you and me, kid." I brushed her hair.

Charlie dozed in my lap as I brushed and talked.

"You and me," I repeated, making it truth for myself. "Are you ready to sleep now?"

Charlie woke as I moved to pull down the sheets. She shuffled out of my arms, and for the first time walked about the flat. She looked around and turned to me sadly. She made a grabbing motion in the air.

"What do you want, Charlie?" I asked helplessly. She furrowed her brow and grabbed harder.

"Hey Ems, where are your other clothes?" Katie came in a second later in nearly matching sweats and ready for bed. "I will send for laundry tomorrow with this," she held up the jacket. Charlie tottled over and grabbed at it.

"I think that's hers now," I smiled as Katie gave it to her. I scooped up Charlie and hugged her while tumbling into bed. She giggled that charming little girl giggle. "Time for us to sleep now, huh?" I asked as she shimmied into the middle, hugging the jacket to her side like a security blanket.

Katie slid into the other side of the bed.

"What?" she asked as I gave her a glance.

"Nothing," I shook my head and smiled. She turned out the light a second later. "Leave it on, please," I asked, and she snapped it back on quickly.

"I'm sorry," she supplied. "Is Charlie afraid of the dark?"

I rubbed her back soothingly and shook my head, not looking at my twin. I held Charlie a bit closer, shamefully.

"I saw many things," I whispered as we settled into the pillows. Katie looked me over with pity. I hated it.

"Today has been surreal," Katie whispered as well. It felt like we were seven, and still crawled into each other's bed to stay up after bedtime. "We will figure it out. Together. You're home now, Emsy. I was so afraid," she shook her head and closed her eyes. "I'm so happy you're home."

"I am in over my head," I acknowledged. I kissed Charlie's head. "I have been for a while now, honestly."

"Do you want me to push Mum back til next week?" she offered. I nodded eagerly. "That'll buy you some time."

We laid there, I rubbed Charlie's back, and Katie just tried to figure it all out for herself.

"I'm in way over my head," I repeated.

"Yeah," she agreed sleepily. "You really are."