CHAPTER FIVE: MANLY BONDING TIME

It was time for all of the heroes to leave Rivertown. Lord Elf-face stuck to his word and gave Amberbrown all the supplies and food that Sam could carry, which was a lot for a haboat. Then once he was sure they were packed, he called them all to his throne room/warehouse where he kept all his weapons.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW, LORD ELF-FACE?" Arrigorm asked. He wanted to get his troops moving as soon as possible.

Elf-face looked sternly down from his throne, which was a pile of guns with a kangaroo fur on top of it. "I DECIDED THAT IF YOU ARE GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM SORIN, THEN I SHOULD MAKE SURE YOU ARE PROPERLY ARMED! NOT EVERYONE CAN TAKE ON A BLOODY ARMY WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR BARE HANDS!" Then he flexed.

Marriage got all interested about that part. "Am I right in assuming that you are giving us new weapons?"

"DAMN RIGHT I AM! BETSY!"

Then Betsy Ross pulled back a giant star-spangled flag curtain she knitted herself (WHICH ACTUALLY HAPPENED) to show them the gifts her father had got for them.

"FIRST, THE QUIET HOOBOT, FRANKO!"

Farnko stepped forward, and Betsy handed him a giant magical stick made of metal that shot fire out the front part. Forko clapped and bounced up and down like a little girl.

"This is a magical flamethrower from Australia," she told him seriously. "May you burn the crap out of all the communists you meet with it."

Footbo nodded and took the flamethrower back to show the others.

"NEXT, THE FRENCH HORBIT MAGGIE!"

Marky went up to Betsy and got a fancy magic cigarette case with some paper in it.

"I present you with a disguise kit. May no one realize you're really just wearing a paper mask over your face."

Marvin gave her a weird look but took it anyways.

"NEXT! THE WIMPY HAMBIT PIPPIG!"

Pinpin ran forward with a stupid look on his face like how he usually looks. Betsy handed him a can of magical glowing soda.

"This is magic Bonk. It will refill itself and make you vibrate so fast that no one can shoot you. May you never use it to run away from battle like a coward."

Potpig went back looking very excited about his gift. He would because he was a weenie and probably planned to use it to run away a lot.

"SAM THE COWBOY HOBLOT, STEP FORWARD!"

Sam did. Betsy handed him a wrench.

"We ran out of magic hobeit size weapons so here's a wrench."

Sam blinked. "What am I supposed to do with a wrench?"

"YOU'RE SMART, FIGURE IT OUT!" Elf-face bellowed cheerfully.

"Yes," Betsy agreed. "May you use it to erect a dispenser, or something."

Sam walked back looking less excited than everyone else, but nobody cared.

Then they gave Bromblbeer a gun that shot bombs, Gimby got a minigun, Landless got a jar to pee in, and Gundorf got a gun that healed people. They got their gifts all at once to save time.

Finally it was the interesting part where Armodon got his gift. He stepped up to Betsy Ross looking very serious, and she handed him a rocket launcher. It was almost the most amazing weapon he had ever seen, and it had a giant MADE IN AMERICA stamp on the handle. He took it with dignity and honor.

"This is a rocket launcher forged completely out of American metal, to replace the one that broke in the War. May you blow all your enemies to unrecognizable gibs."

Everyone else looked at one another in surprise because they didn't know about what happened during the War. Armadillon had a faraway look in his face as he walked back to his man without a word.

Betsy and Elf-face waved goodbye while the brave soldiers marched on toward their destiny. Soon Rivertown was just a speck on the ground behind them. As usual, Pingpong was the first person to start whining.

"I'm freaking tired! Can we stop soon and rest?"

Legoland looked up at the sky from under his Australian hat. "Crikey, we've only been marching for half an hour."

"Yeah well my legs are shorter than yours so I get tired faster."

"Little man is not making sense," Grumbly grumbled.

"It does too make sense! Ain't you fellas tired?" he asked the other hibbits.

"Nope," Sam said. "Heck, I'm the one hauling all our supplies around, and you don't hear me-"

"Shut up Sam," Prissin snapped.

"ALL RIGHT," Arbytown shouted. "WE ARE ALMOST TO THE MOUNTAINS! IF YOU SISSIES WILL KEEP YOUR TRAPS SHUT UNTIL WE GET THERE, WE WILL TAKE A BREAK!"

Everybody went quiet then since they were lazy and wanted a break even if it had only been half an hour.

When they got to the mountains, everyone flopped on the ground happily except Anglothorn. He stayed on his feet with his arms crossed, scowling at his men.

"YOU BETTER EAT LUNCH NOW," he said sternly. "THIS IS OUR LAST STOP UNTIL WE MAKE CAMP TONIGHT!"

Bumblebeer rolled his eye as he examined his bomb gun. "Cripes, d'you mean to say ye expect us to get as far up the mountain as possible before settin' up camp?"

"YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I DO!" Annagore shouldered his rocket launcher impressively. "YOU ARE MY MEN, AND IF YOU ARE GOING TO REPRESENT ME IN BATTLE YOU WILL NEED TO TOUGHEN UP NOW BY CAMPING ON TOP OF MOUNTAINS WHERE IT IS COLD!"

Bramblebuns looked mad, but Grumpulf cut their talking short. "Why don't we take this time to get to know one another better? Alabarn, the higbots, and myself are acquainted, but we don't know you very well. Grampy, Leaflas, and Bottleburn, why don't you introduce yourselves?"

Marty rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette. "I don't think this is the time or place to initiate some sort of manly bonding moment."

Gildraf turned him into a frog. "Does anyone else have any objections?"

Nobody did. Murky grumbled under his breath but didn't complain anymore.

"Good. You can start Gruffy."

Gambly the dwarf nodded. "I am Grandy. I am big fighting hero at home with other dwarves. But they do not like fighting. They like digging for pretty rocks like babies. I try to make them see that fighting is better than rocks, but they laugh at me because I am too big to fit in tunnels. Now I will destroy coward enemies to show dwarves I am best."

Goldalf nodded. "I see. And you Loboles? What is your story?"

The bony elf grumbled. "I don't want to talk about it."

Gumby frowned. "Elf should talk with others. Is good for team."

"Mmhm!" Forkolo said with a nod.

"COME ON PRIVATE!" shouted Abanon. "TELL US ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE FROM OR I WILL BEAT YOUR BACKSTORY OUT OF YOU!"

Stupid Leaflet crossed his arms. "No."

Ashybarn walked over and punched him in the face.

Gramporf jumped to his feet. "Ach, this was supposed to be a discussion, not a fight!"

Nobody listened to him. Lobalis swung to punch Ammoblarp back but tripped over Marrvy who was still a frog, and they all started punching each other. Ghandi laughed while he got Manky the frog and Prampin into headlocks. Sam hit Grampi in the knee with his wrench but that didn't do anything. Lanklis stumbled into them after getting punched so they fell over in a dog pile. And Barnabor got in a fistfight with Agathorn because he punched Lorkaloaf. Golfulf tried to make them all listen to him and stop fighting.

"Ach! Stop this instant! Do not make me use magic!"

Then he got distracted because Foutono set his wizard dress on fire.

Anectarm punched Barflebus in the face one more time, and Barbiebuns fell down. Then he saw Lipgloss and tackled him. "I WIN, NOW TELL US YOUR BACKSTORY!"

The elf spit out a tooth that Axaman had knocked out of his face. "FINE! Me dad wanted me to get some bloody job at a bank and all the other elves thought I was a wuss, so I came here to prove myself! NOW GET OFF ME!"

Anagram got off him in triumph. "SEE? THAT WASN'T SO HARD!"

Grumplestiltzkalf finally put the fire out that was on his clothes. "Yes. Thank you Abercrumble. Now if everyone ELSE is done fighting- agh, DUMPCUFFS!"

He looked at the dogpile of harbarts fighting Grimply and waved his magical staff. The hiblits turned into rocks. Gildy frowned.

"We were having good time!" he said in an angry voice.

"Well you can fight with them later," Gumpgorf said sternly. Grimbly sighed and sat down next to the rock pile, listening.

"Now, Brumblebor," Gandark said in a more calm voice, "tell us about your past."

Bornabor wiped his bloody nose that he got during his fight. "I couldn't tell ye, wizard."

Grondaf frowned. "Why?"

"Because I can't remember meself." Bornoballs looked serious. "The last thing I remember about me life is joinin' Gromboli and Lorfles to be mercenaries. I dunno what happened before that."

"Hmmph," Alabama said turning away. Everyone who wasn't a rock looked at him funny.

"What are you hmmphin' for mate?" Legeles asked.

"NEVER YOU MIND," Ambogan said. "WE SHOULD EAT SO WE CAN GET MOVING."

"I agree," Gilmorf said. He turned the hoffits back into hofbots instead of rocks.

"The hell did you do that for?" Porkpan whined at the wizard, but one look from Anchoran made him be quiet.

"WE ARE EATING NOW SO SHUT UP AND STUFF YOUR FACE. SAM, GIVE OUT THE RATIONS!"

Sam gave out rations from the pack he was carrying, and then everyone ate quietly. Finally they all finished, and they kept on moving up the mountain.

Not even Gumbalf knew that deadly enemies were already waiting for them farther down the path.