Ivy's Holiday

Poison Ivy took a deep breath, shutting her eyes and sighing in relaxation. There was nothing like getting away from it all, nothing like a little sun and sand on the beaches of Brazil, away from the smoke and grime of Gotham City, away from the schemes and the Bat, and away from the Joker and Harley Quinn. She loved Harley really, like a sister, but her constantly abusive, volatile relationship with the Joker annoyed her beyond reason. She tried to ignore it, but it always forced itself upon her somehow, whether it was Harley coming to cry on her shoulder when Joker repeatedly kicked her out, or Joker's attempts to purposely upset her with his stupid gags. But she was in Brazil now, and they were far away in Gotham. She could already feel her muscles unclenching, her body untensing, her blood pressure lowering. She was a good friend to Harley – there when she needed her, but now it was Ivy's time to indulge herself. Spend some quality time with the plants of the Rainforest. Meet a couple cute hunks and enjoy a few flings. Go to the Carnival in Rio, maybe. She was free, single, and looking for a good time, and she intended to find one. She sighed again, enjoying the feel of the sun basking her naked skin. All plants adored sunlight, and Ivy was no different, feeling her body rejuvinate itself as the sun's rays caressed every inch of it. She listened to the waves crashing against the sand and smiled. This was paradise. Peaceful, quiet, relaxing paradise, the sun, the sand, the sea, and Ivy, all by herself.

"You really should cover up, Pammie, ain't you ever heard of skin cancer?" chuckled an all too familiar voice.

Ivy's eyes snapped open in horror. She saw the figure of the Joker standing over her, that perpetual, annoying smile on his smug face. "J…what the hell…are you doing here?" gasped Ivy, attempting to cover herself as she felt about for her towel.

"Red! It is you!" exclaimed Harley, running over to them across the beach. She was dressed in a red and black bikini with diamond patterns dotting it, while the Joker was wearing purple swimming trunks. Harley's face was beaming, but it fell when she came closer. "Why ain't you wearing anything, Red?" she asked, puzzled. Then she slapped Joker across the face. "You look away, Mr. J!" she snapped.

"Sorry, pooh bear, I was just looking for any birthmarks or distinctive features in case Pammie ever shows up dead and I have to identify the body," replied Joker, grinning. "Handy to know these things, pumpkin."

Ivy had found her towel and now covered herself with it, still gaping at the two of them in astonishment. "What…how…why…are you two here?" she stammered.

"We're on vacation, Red!" exclaimed Harley, happily, throwing up her arms. "Three whole weeks of sea, sun, and fun!"

"Three…weeks?" stammered Ivy. "Gee…J…are you sure the Bat can survive without you for that long?"

"Aw, I know he'll miss me, Pammie, but I can't spend my whole life worrying about him, y'know?" replied Joker, grinning. "Everyone needs a little private time to themselves once in a while. A little personal space."

"Yes, they do," agreed Ivy, glaring at him. "And can I ask why you've chosen to come here, where I'm taking my vacation?"

"I didn't know you'd be here too, Red!" beamed Harley. "But it's a swell surprise, ain't it? Mr. J booked this whole thing as a special treat for me. He's such a great guy!" she breathed, gazing at him in adoration.

"Did he?" growled Ivy. "Well, wasn't that nice of him? To pick exactly the same place I'm going on my vacation for exactly the same length of time I'm going for. I wonder how he might have stumbled upon my travel plans. I'm sure I didn't mention them to anyone."

"Yeah, but you didn't use a false name when you booked either," retorted Joker. "So it's kinda your own fault, really."

"Ain't you pleased that we're all here together, Red?" asked Harley, clapping excitedly. "I think it'll be a blast! We'll have such a fun time! We can see all the sights and make memories that'll last a lifetime!"

Ivy took a deep breath. "Look, Harley, I don't mean to be rude, but I really wanted to spend this vacation alone, y'know, just by myself. I just really need some me time, so I hope you won't be too offended if I just ask you to…go away."

Harley stared at her. "Aw, but Red, that's the saddest thing I ever heard!" she exclaimed. "Nobody wants to be alone on vacation in this beautiful paradise! I wouldn't dream of abandoning you like that!"

"No, really, it's ok, Harley," said Ivy, quickly. "It's exactly what I want. Just some peace and quiet and relaxing by myself. I will, in fact, pay you anything you want to go away and leave me alone. It's nothing personal, really, I just need this time for me."

Harley gaped at her, hurt. "Well…fine, Red," she sniffed. "If that's really the way you feel…we'll just go. C'mon, Mr. J."

She took his hand and they turned to leave, when another familiar figure appeared on the beach. This figure was also undressed, and didn't notice them, and as he got closer, Harley's jaw dropped.

"Whoa, Momma!" she exclaimed.

"Hey, don't look at him, you dumb broad!" snapped Joker, slapping her across the face.

"Harvey?" gasped Ivy.

Two-Face did notice them now, and both his faces went red as he scrambled for his own towel and covered himself. "Hi…Pammie, Harley, J," he muttered. "What are you all doing here?"

"We…all just happened…to be on vacation together at the same place and at the same time," said Ivy. "And so are you, I see."

"Yeah, well, I come here every year," muttered Two-Face. "Seems odd that you all would discover my regular vacation spot."

"Yeah, it does," agreed Joker, grinning. "You and Pammie aren't here…together, are you?"

"No," they both replied hastily. "No," repeated Ivy, firmly. "No, we most certainly are not."

"Well, it's a real happy coincidence then, isn't it?" chuckled Joker. "What a great gag! Couldn't have planned it better myself!"

"Geez…Harv…I can see why Red always speaks so highly about you as a lover," gasped Harley, still staring at him. "You got a giant…"

"Penny, yes, we've all heard the story about you trying to kill Batman and everything," interrupted Joker, sulkily. "Why is everyone on this beach naked, may I ask? Is it one of those beaches?"

"It's a fairly private beach," muttered Two-Face. "And not usually occupied."

"Well, we're not one of those couples, I'm afraid," sniffed Joker. Then he smiled. "Still, if that's the way things are done here, I'd hate to spoil the fun…"

"Oh God, no!" interrupted Ivy, covering her eyes. "Please, whatever you do, keep your clothes on! I never, ever want to see that! Ever!"

"Gee, Red, no need to be so prudish," retorted Harley. "If everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't we? And Harvey's pretty impressive, I'll grant you, but Mr. J is bigger."

"Why do you think I'm always so happy, Pammie?" smiled Joker. "But to tell you the truth, pooh, I'm not very comfortable with public nudity. It just seems a bit too European for me. And I'm a red-blooded American if anyone is."

"I know you are, puddin'," breathed Harley, kissing him. "My gorgeous, handsome, precious, patriotic puddin'!"

"Still, while you're here, Pammie, maybe you should think about getting a Brazilian," said Joker, grinning. "Can't help but notice that the bush could do with a little trimming."

Ivy punched him in the face. "Now get lost, you disgusting creep!" she shouted. "And take your little girlfriend and the bi-polar freak with you! This is my vacation, and nobody is going to ruin it for me by inflicting me with their presence! So beat it!"

"This is my vacation spot, Pammie," growled Two-Face. "I was here first. You beat it."

"If Harvey's staying, we're staying," said Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "Mr. J's booked a romantic little hut right on the beach, and we ain't moving!"

"I swear if you all don't leave me alone right now…" began Ivy.

"What? What are you gonna do, Pammie?" laughed Joker. "The thing about a naked girl is that they ain't got any place to hide the weapons. Another reason why I ain't a fan of public nudity," he giggled, grinning as he pulled out a pistol from the pocket of his swimming trunks. "Now as the guy with the gun, lemme tell you what we're gonna do. We're all gonna enjoy our nice, relaxing vacation together, we're all gonna make the best of the others being here, and we're all gonna have a whole lotta fun! Because how can you not have fun with the four of us around, am I right?" he laughed.

"Absolutely right, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms. "Such a clever, handsome, sweet genius!" she purred, ruffling his hair.

"Well, we'll leave you guys to your birthday suit party!" laughed Joker, carrying Harley off. "See you at dinner!"

Left alone, Ivy and Two-Face looked at each other and then dispersed to opposite ends of the beach without a word. Ivy was fuming, and could feel her blood pressure rising again. "Some vacation," she muttered to herself. "I don't know how this can get any worse."

She was about to find out.