Prologue

He only knew he was alive by the sound of the flimsy wooden boards creaking beneath his back as he breathed. He saw only darkness before him, though it appeared to be moving...swimming...sparkling? Perhaps he was dead. If this was death, though, why was there so much pain? It wasn't the wound at his throat; he felt only a slight cooling sensation as the evening breeze touched the blood pooled there. No, the pain came from inside now, much as it always had.

He had failed her. Not that she'd asked him to bear this load; no, it was a burden he willingly took. He would have done anything for her, and he had. He had loved her still when she hated him; watched her with him; seen her hands on her belly, swollen with his child. But by the time he had decided it was enough to make him want to die, she had finally needed him. Not in the way he wanted to be needed, but it was something. He could never leave her when she needed him. But he had failed her then, too.

He let out a ragged, strained breath. He was dying. He wasn't scared, really. This is what he had been wanting for so long. He was ready. Ready to be free of the pain, the secrets. More than anything, he was ready for the moment of death, for he was sure that was when he would see her again.

He wasn't stupid. He had no delusions about Heaven, about being with her after death. He knew he wasn't good enough to be where she was, wherever that may be.

And... the boy. The boy was as good as dead, once the noble little fool invaded his own most private, most personalthoughts and discovered what a disgusting manipulator his mentor really was. The thought of that stupid, arrogant boy knowing his hurt, his love, his lust...

He quickly forced the thought from his mind. No, he told himself, don't think of any of that. Think of her. And he did, letting the memories wash over him. First, the daisy in her palm and the terror in her eyes the first time he saw her do magic. The terror became laughter in his memories, the two of them holding hands crossing the black lake their first night at school. Her hair, vibrant as fire, tickling his face as a gust of wind blew it wild...

Her eyes. Those eyes. Filled with excitement, with laughter, with joy.

Those eyes, filled with anger, loathing, hatred. And worst...

Her beautiful, magical green eyes, filled with love. That wasn't for him.

"Look at me," he gasped. His chest heaved; his limbs were tingling, going numb. Death was close, so painfully close. His eyelids fluttered closed, shutting in the memory of those green eyes as the last thing he saw.

Save me, he told those eyes, certain the words were spoken only in his own mind. He waited, knowing she would come. Where is she? What is taking so long?

The stillness enveloped him. He heard a rush in his ears that sounded like the ocean. This is it, he thought. Lily, come to guide me on. Please... I need you...

Then the darkness caved in, burying him under the weight of a million memories. Alone.