Hey, guys. I know it's been a long time since I last updated and I am sorry, but a lot of things have been going on the last couple of years and I'm in college now so I don't have a lot of free time anymore. I will try to continue updating, but it will be slow going and it won't be as often as I used to update.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next update and if you have any ideas about what you want to see happen in this story, feel free to share them.

The next few days were tough. Everyone kept trying to come into Shinra's apartment to see Izaya, Shizuo being the most persistent, but Shinra turned them all away, sometimes resorting to having Celty throw them out. Izaya needed all the rest he could get and having constant visitors coming in and out would only cause him unneeded stress and hinder his healing. He was already having enough problems on his own without anyone adding to it.

Though they tried, getting Izaya to eat even the smallest bite was like pulling teeth. Keeping it down was even harder. Every time food came within smelling distance from Izaya, he immediately became nauseous and refused to eat. After a lot of coaxing and begging, he would eventually take a bite of food, but just that small bite caused him to throw up, and he would dry heave for longer than it took him to eat the food in the first place. It got so bad that Shinra had to attach an I.V. drip to Izaya's arm to keep at least a little bit of nourishment in his body. They still attempted to get him to eat, though, as the I.V. could only do so much.

Even Kururi and Mairu were trying, bringing his favorite fatty tuna after they came home from school, but nothing worked. It looked very slim and Shinra didn't know what else to do. He couldn't put a tube down Izaya's throat, it would only traumatize him even more and that was not something Shinra was willing to do. The only thing they could really do was to continue bringing food and hope that one of these days Izaya would be able to stomach it.

Sighing, the underground doctor looked down at the food Namie made as he prepared to enter Izaya's room. It was a very simple dish, just a soup with no rice and little flavor. Izaya couldn't take a lot of flavor without being sick and they had learned which foods made him nauseous from just the sight alone. This soup turned out to be one of the only foods Izaya could keep down, and only that half the time. Shinra hoped he could stomach it this time. It pained him to see Izaya, who used to love food so much, not even being able to eat the simplest of things.

Shinra knocked softly on Izaya's door and when he got no reply, he quietly entered the dark room. He immediately saw Izaya sitting up in the bed, his gaze focused on his empty sleeve. He looked as though he kept expecting it to be there, only to realize that it had been taken, and Shinra felt a pang of guilt, knowing he could do nothing about it. Shinra didn't say anything as he walked into the room, he just sat down on the chair next the bed and waited for Izaya to speak. While he waited, he took the time to really look at Izaya and assess his condition. He looked so different without his usual mocking smirk and the mischievous glint in his eyes, switchblade in hand. Like that, he seemed like he could take on the world, with no one able to even lay a finger on him.

Now, he just looked painfully young. Like a small child, so lost and afraid of the world. Like he accepted nothing would ever be good again. His face was gaunt from so many days of starvation, his cheekbones almost sharp enough to pierce through thin skin and the dark, ugly bags under his eyes only emphasized his clouded red eyes, indicating just how unrestful his sleep has been.

Even Izaya's complexion hadn't improved. He hadn't regained any color to his already pale skin and the bruising was only spreading and getting darker, creating an ugly contrast between the two extremes. His neck still bleed occasionally and the raw skin gave a morbid image of a collar Shinra just could not shake. It angered him greatly every time he thought about them collaring Izaya like he was some rabid animal that needed to be chained up. Especially when he remember exactly who had done this to his friend. And for what?

He could only imagine the emotional trauma Izaya went through during his captivity. Oh, how he would like to wrap his hands around their neck and watch as the life slowly faded from their heartless, black eyes-

Shinra was brought sharply out of his murderous thoughts as Izaya finally spoke, his entire body shaking like a leaf as his voice quivered haltingly, "It's really gone, isn't it, Shinra? It's gone for good. I'm not getting it back, am I?"

All of his anger disappeared in a rush, only to be replaced with a sorrow as Shinra watched Izaya come to terms with his new disability. He wanted desperately to tell him otherwise, but he knew couldn't as the lie would be too cruel for his damaged friend to handle. Instead he wrapped his arms around Izaya's fragile frame and hugged him as tight as he dared.

"No, Izaya. I'm sorry, there was nothing I could do. I wish there was a way for me to fix it, I really do, but I can't and I'm so, so sorry."

Izaya's shoulders shook even more violently than before and he buried his face into Shinra as though doing soncould protect him from the harshness of the world, and tried hard to keep his breathing under control as he whispered in a horrified tone, "What am I going to do? How am I going to live like this?! It still feels like it's there and I move it to grab something, but it doesn't work and there just so much p-pain, it's u-unbearable."

His breathing picks up to a faster tempo and his words are almost completely covered up by his escalating sobs—and that can't be good for his broken ribs, the pain he must be in right now—that Shinra has to strain his ears to understand him, "I-I'm going to h-have to learn to w-write with my right h-hand, a-and every-everything is going to be s-s-s-so much h-harder. How can I t-take care of myself like t-this?! I-I-I'm going to n-n-need p-people to h-help me n-n-now and everyone h-hates me s-s-so much a-a-and..."

Izaya couldn't finish his grief-filled rant, his grief-filled wails overwhelming him. Shinra shushed him gently, running his fingers through Izaya's hair in a desperate attempt to calm him down and help him out of his panic attack, all the while trying to stop his own tears from falling. Why did this have to happen? Izaya isn't a good person, but he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to be tortured and maimed.

"I know, Izaya, I know. It's okay, we'll take care of it. We'll take care of you. It's okay. You're not alone, Izaya. There are people who care and want to help you, I promise you that. Not everyone hates you."

Shinra's comforting didn't seem to be working and Izaya just couldn't stop crying. He wasn't used to relying on other people and it was hard for him to believe that there were actually people who wanted to help. He just couldn't seem to believe that people wanted to take care of him when he needed it, no matter how much the doctor tried to convince him.

"I don't hate you, Izaya..." Shinra soothed as he hugged Izaya tighter to himself, willing them both to stop shaking.

"Listen, Izaya... about what you said a couple of days ago... about me being happier if you were dead; it's not true. I know... at times, it seems like I don't care... that you don't matter to me, like when I didn't invite you to that hotpot part... or when I hung up on you after you were stabbed, but you do. You matter to me a lot," the tears he had tried to hold back came falling at full force, and Shinra couldn't stop them no matter how he tried; his guilt all encompassing.

How could he have done that? How could he just hang up on Izaya like that when he had actually called Shinra for comfort for the first time?! And why? Just because he was having some quality time with Celty? He left his friend hanging when he had no one else to rely on. Yes, he loved her. More than his own life and everything in the entire world, but to abandon one of his only friends just for a few extra minutes with her when he practically did nothing else? Some friend he was. No wonder Izaya didn't believe he had anyone.

"You are one of my only friends Izaya... and I know that I only became friends with you in the first place because of Celty, but I'm happy to be your friend. Really happy... I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to you. If you were to die, I-I don't think I could live with myself, knowing you think no one cares. And it hurts that you think I don't care, and I'm so sorry for making you feel that way. I really am. But please, Izaya, please. You got to trust us. You'll be okay, we won't abandon you."

Not this time.

Shinra hoped Izaya could hear him; hear his sincerity and believe what he said to him. Because, if he didn't, Shinra was a worse friend then he thought and he didn't know how he would even begin to fix the broken trust between them.

Shinra felt the tremor of Izaya's shoulders lessen and his gasping breaths even out until he was no longer hyperventilating. He turned his head on Shinra's shoulder until he looked at him with one of his sad, glistening, tear-stained, crimson—like the blood seeping from every inch of his damaged body only days ago—eyes.

"You'll help me?"

The way Izaya said it, as if he could not fathom the idea of someone actually giving a damn about him, reaffirmed how little self-worth Izaya had for himself. It pierced Shinra's heart like a thousand knives to know he played a part in that.

"Of course I will, Izaya," Shinra's voice cracked at the end.

He gave his friend a watery smile, smoothing the hair out of his eyes as Izaya continued to study him, searching for any hint of a lie. When he found none, he gave a slight nod, not having the strength to smile back, and relaxed into the soothing motions of Shinra's hand petting his hair.

Shinra continued running his hand through Izaya's raven locks when he noticed a burning heat emitting from Izaya. Concerned, he ceased his ministrations and checked his temperature with the back of his hand.

"Izaya... are you feeling okay right now? You're burning up!"

Shinra didn't really expect an answer—of course he didn't feel well, he had just been tortured, afterall—but that didn't really matter at the moment. He was more worried about the high fever he felt developing within the informant.

'Could it be from infection?! No, I just changed his bandages yesterday!' Shinra furrowed his brows as he wondered over Izaya's fever, still with his hand against his fevered forehead, 'Maybe it's all the stress from just now. That could be it. I'll have to check on that later though, he's too exhausted for any more excitement today. He still needs to eat too...'

Making his decision, Shinra gently roused Izaya from his doze. When he slowly blinked open his bloodshot eyes, Shinra pleaded, "Izaya, I know you're tired, but I need you to try to eat something for me, can you do that? I promise you can sleep all you want after that. Will you try for me? It just has to be a little."

Maybe Izaya didn't actually hear what Shinra said, or he was simply too tired to put up a fight because Izaya just nodded limply, letting out a heavy sigh. It spoke volumes of the informant's condition and Shinra pursed his lips to keep himself from commenting.

He carefully lifted Izaya from his shoulder and leaned him back on his pillow, trying to ignore his friend's pained expression. Once he was sat upright, Shinra grabbed the now cold soup and spooned a small amount out.

"Here, Izaya," his voice soft and encouraging as Izaya fought to keep his droopy eyes open.

The informant opened his mouth slightly and Shinra proceeded to fed him. The underground doctor watched Izaya struggle to swallow the food. His lips quivered and his eyes brimmed with tears he refused to let fall again, but he finally managed to get it down. He swallowed painfully on the rising bile and even went as far as to open his mouth again for more, though it was obvious from his trembling that he didn't want to.

Shinra pushed down the sudden guilt he felt from watching Izaya's struggle and continued the feed him until they both couldn't take anymore. And when Izaya forced himself to part his lips for more, Shinra shakily interjected, "That's enough, Izaya, you did really well. You don't have to eat anymore today. That was very good."

As soon as the words left Shinra's mouth, Izaya collapsed, his abused body going sickeningly limp in exhausted relief. The flush of fever on his ghostly pallor more apparent than ever and Shinra knew it was time to put him to bed. If his fever continued to get worse, the informant's life would be at risk. Shinra helped Izaya get into a prone position and pulled the comforter over his shoulders. As he did so, he couldn't stop his eyes from lingering on his left—blood, so much blood, how could one person, one small body, contain that much blood—shoulder and he felt a stab of agonizing remorse that he could do nothing to fix it.

There were not a lot of things the underground doctor could not fix, and when he realized that this was one of those things, his best friend's arm, he was painfully reminded that he was not omnipotent. He was only human, and he couldn't fixsomething so horribly mutilated as Izaya's arm had been.

And he hated himself for it.

Shinra's eyes lingered a little longer before he completely covered the informant. Patting his head one more time, Shinra whispered softly, "Get some rest, Izaya."

And left the weary man to rest in the peace and quiet the dark room offered.

After the door clicked shut, Shinra leaned heavily against it. He took in a shaky breathe, trying to calm his nerves and organize his rushing thoughts in a way that didn't physically hurt him.

'Oh, Izaya,' Shinra thought, lifting his head and looking out into his apartment, 'what are we going to do?'

Turning to head back to the kitchen with the half finished soup, Shinra startled when he saw someone standing there, almost dropping the bowl in surprise.

"N-Namie! How long have you been standing there?"

"Just... a little while. You hadn't come back yet and it's been almost two hours..." she paused, brushing her hair out of her eyes and looking down briefly before looking back into Shinra's eyes, "I grew concerned about Izaya. Is he... is he alright?"

She looked more than just worried. Namie fidgeted imperceptibly, her pretty chestnut eyes shimmered in barely contained apprehension as she anxiously awaited Shinra's answer with baited breath. She was a bundle of anxiety and still she tried to maintain her calm because she knew Izaya needed that more than anything else. Her control was admirable and the only reason Shinra noticed any of it was due to him being a doctor. He was trained to discern things like that.

"Honestly, Namie, I just don't know. He's had so much trauma and he's so afraid. About what happened to him, about his situation, about us. He thinks we're going to leave him, Namie, because of the extent of his injuries. He knows he's going to need help from now on and he's convinced that he has no one to rely on; no one who cares, no matter how many times I've tried to tell him otherwise. I think-I think all these feelings have been building up in him for a long time, and now that he can't realistically take care of himself anymore, he's... he's unable to keep these thoughts bottled up anymore. And now he's finally breaking down."

Shinra paused in his speech, gathering his thoughts and thinking back on his conversation with Izaya. The despair, pain, and fear he saw in his eyes and the agony he felt just trying to eat flavorless soup.

"We still have no idea what really happened to him in that warehouse. We just keep accidentally triggering him and only then realizing that that was used as a method to torture him."

"You're saying we need to found out what happened to him so that we can avoid re-traumatizing him in the future," Namie stated, her face considerably more pale after hearing Shinra talk.

'He thinks we will leave him?' Namie's brows furrowed in consternation, 'I suppose it makes sense that he would think so. And those emotions have been building up. I've seen it for myself. There were many instances when I thought I saw a crack in that mask he always wore. In those moments, he truly looked to be at his limit.'

It was in those moments when Izaya returned to the apartment after one of his many excursions into Ikebukuro, where he said not a word in greeting. While it wasn't unusual for Izaya to be quiet in his own home—contrary to popular belief, Izaya didn't talk all the time—he didn't so much as acknowledge her presence, going straight to the wall-length window. He just stood there looking out at the blood-red sunset as it gradually faded behind the never ending expanse of looming skyscrapers. His face seemed completely void of all emotion, but as Namie observed him, she saw all the emotion his face lacked drowning within his grief-stricken crimson orbs. The weight of the world were in those eyes, and Namie couldn't help but think any more pressure would shatter them into a million irreparable pieces.

"Exactly," Shinra nodded solemnly, "and the first thing we need to find out is why Izaya can't stand the sight of food. He can't keep going on like this or he'll die. I don't want to resort to using a feeding tube, but I will if he can't start eating more food."

Shinra studied Namie as she contemplated solutions to the dilemma presented to her. As she thought, her eyes drifted towards the closed door, looking as though she wanted to go in but making no move to do so. Shinra chose this moment to speak.

"You haven't really been to see Izaya for a couple days now. You only go in when he needs to eat and everyone else is busy. It's okay, you know. He wants to see you, you don't have to stay away."

Namie looked troubled, biting her lip in thought as she tried to put them in a way that would make sense to the underground doctor, "I'm just trying to figure things out, is all."

She paused briefly before speaking in quieter tones, as if ashamed of what she had to say, "He was right you know. A couple of weeks ago I didn't care. At least I thought I didn't, and I certainly showed him as much. I never gave him any reason to think I didn't hate him and now, when he needs me, he's not even sure he can trust me not to hurt him more... I just need to reevaluate my true feelings and find out when it was they changed from hate to... whatever it is I feel now. For him, and for me. It's not fair to Izaya if I don't and he needs a real reason to be able to trust me, not just because he wants to."

Shinra had to smile at that. It looks like he was right to place his trust in this woman because, even though she didn't seem to realize it, Shinra could see how much she loved Izaya. And Izaya needed people like that around him more than ever.

"I hope you find what you're looking for soon. Izaya could really use your company right now. It's not good for him to spend so much time alone in his condition."

"Yes, I know, and I will. Soon," Namie said seriously before looking at Izaya's door again, unsurely, "May I sit with him?"

Shinra nodded, sobering slightly, "It should be fine as long as you don't make any noise that will wake him up. He really exhausted himself out today."

Namie nodded politely and entered the room to sit with Izaya as he sleep, intent on figuring herself out before he next woke.

Shinra remained where he was for a moment longer, pondering his dear friend and his secretary before heading to his original destination: his room. His feet dragged behind him as he walked and Shinra realized just how much his talk with Izaya actually drained him. The things he said, the things thought, Shinra had no idea Izaya felt like that. He should have noticed sooner, he should have done something-

Suddenly a bright screen was shoved into his face and it momentarily blinded him. When he blinked the spots out of his eyes, he saw Celty's PDA in front of him.

[What happened?! What's wrong?!]

"Celty?" Shinra looked around himself and noticed he was in his room and that his love had probably been trying to get his attention for a while now.

He looked at her again and his eyes overflowed with leftover tears. His vision got blurrier and blurrier as water built up behind his glasses and he could only just make out Celty's frantic movements as she tried to stop the waterworks. Soon enough Shinra was all out sobbing, and Celty—beautiful, sweet, precious Celty—wrapped him up in her warm embrace, pressing his face in her shoulder as she tousled his hair in a comforting manner.

Even without words, Shinra knew what she was trying to say, trying to ask, and words came flowing out of his mouth quicker than he could think.

"Oh, Celty! I don't know what to do! I-I've never seen Izaya like this b-before!" He gasped loudly as he tried to draw in air and speak at the same time, his fingers clutching tighter to Celty's catsuit, "He's always been so-so s-strong and unbreakable! Nothing could affect or-or hurt h-him and n-now, now he's so afraid and what sort of friend am I to not n-notice how much I hurt him over the y-years and just accept the mask he puts up for everyone?! I-I'm supposed to be able to s-see through it, I alway have before. Did-did I just i-ignore it because it was easier than seeing what was really g-going on?! Did it take him being tortured for me to actually pay atten-attention to what was going on?! C-celty! H-how am I ever going t-to make it up to him?!"

His sobs escalated so much that Shinra feared he would wake Izaya up, but he couldn't stop them no matter how hard he tried. The pain he felt in his heart went so deep he thought someone had forced their hand through his chest and ripped it out.

The only hing keeping Shinra from falling apart completely was Celty's strong arms tightly around he's trembling shoulders. Black smoke puffed out of Celty's neck periodically, moving around Shinra as though to embrace him in its dark depth. It's warmth enveloped him, working to calm his unrelenting tears and, for a moment, Shinra thought he could actually hear comforting words being whispered to him through the smoke.

Now, with only darkness in sight and no sound form the outside world, the underground doctor felt he could breathe again. HIs breaths came in slower and his hiccuping sobs stopped altogether. Celty continued to rub his back soothingly and kept her arms wrapped firmly around him even as he pulled away and her shadows receded back into her neck. Looking at her now that he had calmed down, Shinra could see how worried the headless woman was and he immediately felt guilt form at the pit of his stomach for causing her that worry.

"I'm sorry, Celty. I didn't mean to break down like that."

[Don't be sorry, Shinra. He's your friend. Anyone would be upset at something like this happening to a friend.]

She paused in her typing for a brief moment before writing, [I never liked Izaya much, but... what happened to him was... horrible. I never would have wished the on him and I... I don't know what to do either, Shinra. I want to help him, I really do, but I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do.]

Celty's grip on her PDA tightened until the plastic started to crunch. This was hard on her. She wasn't used to not being able to do anything and it frustrated her to no end. She had no experience in this. No medical experience to help Shinra or the knowledge to comfort Izaya or even the calm Namie had to deal with the situation. She didn't even know who did it, so going out to find the bastard was out of the question as well.

Seeing Izaya so immobile was very difficult. He was always running around somewhere, stomping on girls' cell phones, or pretending to ride on motorcycles. Everything he fed, he did with exuberance and excitement. Not a moment passed when he wasn't smirking or tricking someone into one thing or another. Now, though, he seemed so... listless. So defeated.

[I just feel so useless.]

Shinra waited patiently while Celty finished, still recovering from his earlier breakdown himself. He knew exactly how Celty felt. Even with all his medical knowledge and experience, even with everything he's already done for Izaya, Shinra, too, felt useless.

"I know how you feel, Celty. I feel the same way," Shinra said with resignation as he slumped a little in his place on the floor.

Celty looked at Shinra sadly as they sat together in their melancholy before once again typing on her PDA.

[For what it's worth, Shinra, I think you were a good friend to Izaya. And maybe you made mistakes and ended up hurting him, but it's... hard to know what to do when Izaya keeps everything locked up so tightly. All you need to do for him now be there for him and show him he's not alone. I think that will be a good step to making it up to him, don't you think.]

Shinra smiled slightly at Celty's words before bringing her into another hug, "You're right, Celty, thank you. I just hope that will be good enough."

Not a lot of Namie this chapter. I felt like Shinra needed to be the spotlight for this chapter a story he hasnt really had a lot of time to really take it all in. Celty also needed some screen time. I'll probably have a Namie centered chapter a little later, though, for those of you waiting for that.