All's Fair in Love and War

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

VIII

Monotony.

It was easier to think of her daily life in that way, a routine to be followed. Mind numbing.

"I need a refill on water now," Sakura said to the nurse assisting her with a delicate poison extraction. When the nurse took longer than the fifteen seconds necessary to complete the task she said, "Before the patient dies would be ideal."

The nurse hustled to obey, sloshing liquid onto Sakura's flak vest in her hurry. "Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Sakura resisted the urge to say something she would regret later. "It's fine, just focus on the procedure, please."

The nurse nodded, but her deflated reaction only irritated Sakura further. Had it always been this bad here? It was like the staff didn't take the job seriously even though one small mistake could mean an innocent life. As the days passed one agonizing hour at a time, Sakura grew increasingly upset about her circumstances. Here she was working her ass off trying to help people, but no one else seemed to be putting in enough effort to make a difference. Most of them didn't have the capacity to do much. The patients continued to die all around her. She'd seen more death in the past few days than she had in her entire life.

"Sakura."

Shizune was walking toward her between tables in the mess hall. Sakura put down her fork, not really hungry anyway.

"What's the problem?"

The older medic shook her head. "Nothing, I just wanted to check in on you. How are you holding up?"

"Just peachy. I think I only lost four patients today instead of five."

Shizune pursed her lips but chose not to comment on Sakura's tone. "Listen, I want you to take a break tonight. Rest and relax a little. Hina's back to normal, so she can handle your rounds for a few hours."

"Why? I'm not injured."

"Aren't you?"

Sakura had an idea of where this was going, and she didn't like it. "This is war. People are going to die, even people we love. I think we both understand that."

When she attempted to leave, Shizune reached for her shoulder. The look in her eyes made Sakura want to cry, but she refrained. How selfish could she be to wallow in grief over the life of one when there were hundreds depending on her still?

"Yes, we do. And it's because I know what you're going through that I'm insisting. You're not well. You haven't been since it happened."

"I'm fine. Just awake now."

"I'm not asking, Sakura. You're relieved of duty for the next six hours and that's final. Take some time to yourself and try to put it behind you until the war is over. It's not fair to your patients to let your emotions cloud your judgment."

Sakura wanted to protest. Shizune calling her an emotional wreck unable to perform her duties was an affront she'd never stand for in happier times. But Shizune could be a hard woman when she wanted to be, and right now arguing looked like it would only land her in a world of trouble. A part of her conceded that maybe Shizune had a point.

"Fine," Sakura said. "Six hours, then you'll let me get back to work?"

"I just want to make sure you're okay. What would I tell Tsunade-sama if you collapsed?"

Sakura swallowed the sour taste in her mouth. Shizune was just trying to look out for her in the wake of what was probably the most devastating personal tragedy she'd ever experienced. And she did it in spite of the losses she'd suffered here herself.

Her eyes fell. "I know, and I'm sorry. I appreciate it, really. I'll take a break."

The hand on her shoulder drew Sakura in for a hug that ended far too soon for her liking. A part of her wished she could curl up and forget the world around her, but they still had a job to do. No further words were exchanged as Shizune braved a smile and left Sakura to her devices.

Not at all looking forward to having nothing to do but dwell, Sakura walked out of the mess hall like an inmate suddenly out of the loony bin. No longer a slave to her work, the tented hallways seemed inhospitable and oppressive, the cloth ceilings pressing down and making her feel claustrophobic. Staff members and the occasional patient haunted the hallways. They paid her no mind. No one looked happy despite being alive. They're scared, she decided. She would be, too, if she faced the prospect of returning to the front lines after suffering an injury grievous enough to warrant a trip to the central medical base.

What am I even doing here?

Before long, Sakura found herself outside with no particular destination in mind. There were plenty of people out here, too. Recovering shinobi paced the grounds, working hard to recuperate their battered bodies in order to return to the battles they'd lost before. Guards stood at their posts and observed the grounds with keen eyes. These days, they could not be too mindful of activity.

Sakura wondered what she should do for the next six hours. She could sleep, and in all honesty she should, but ignoring the hole in her heart would only build pressure until the floodgates burst one day. Waking up was the worst part, anyway. It was too hard to leave behind dreams filled with smiling faces of friends she hadn't let die. Turning on her heel, she marched in the opposite direction of the recovering shinobi.

Rumbling sounds drew her attention as she came upon a section of the perimeter the doujutsu users maintained. They were packing together mud and rock to fortify a wall riddled with veins of their chakra. Watching them work Sakura felt her mind lull a bit. This, too, was monotonous. There was some meager comfort to be had in redundancy.

In the distance, the light of the sun waned with the approaching dusk, but Sakura curled up at the base of a tree to watch the douton users continue their labor, remembering and regretting. This probably wasn't what Shizune had had in mind when she'd told Sakura to get some rest.

"Sakura."

She continued to stare into the distance even as Shī addressed her. "Yeah?"

"What are you doing out here alone?"

"Relaxing. Doctor's orders."

After the incident with Lee, everything had blurred together into the endless pain and self-loathing that usually came with failure, except this incarnation had been far more intense than any she could remember. Lee had been dear to her, a true friend. If it hadn't been for Shī, Sakura may have come apart at the seams.

"You? Relaxing?"

Perhaps he meant to comfort, but the look in his eyes carried suspicion. Sakura hugged her knees to her chest as she remembered how he'd held her in a similar fashion. She remembered him escorting her (carrying her, practically) to her room and leaving only when Shizune arrived. The whole time he hadn't spoken a word as she drowned in her tears. They hadn't spoken since.

"Got nothing better to do for the night."

The breeze was cool but not chilly despite the onset of twilight. Sakura didn't feel it much, content to stare at the manual labor winding down across the clearing. The douton users would be heading inside for dinner before making their evening patrols. She wondered if any of them had lost people in the war effort. Maybe their lovers and sisters and sons had passed through here on a stretcher. It was hard to tell from the laughter that drifted from their group when one—the burliest of the bunch—slipped on some mud and dropped the bag of sawdust he was carrying. Covered in wood chips and mud, Sakura supposed she couldn't blame the others for laughing. But she found little energy to enjoy the sight.

"I'm sorry," Shī said. He had knelt down beside her but kept his distance.

"For what?"

"You know what."

Sakura bit down on her traitorous lower lip to quell the tremble there. There was no mocking in Shī's look, but she despised it all the same. "It's not your fault. You didn't let him die."

"What's that supposed to mean? That you did?"

"I don't want to talk about this." Sakura raked a hand through her bangs and pressed her lips together until they hurt.

Shī pulled her hand out of her hair by the wrist and tugged hard enough to draw her attention. "You didn't let him die. I can't believe you'd even think that."

"It's worse than that," Sakura said. "I ended it for him. He asked me and I…I just…"

"You showed him mercy. That's more than what most guys get coming in here."

Sakura clenched the fist Shī still held captive. "Mercy? Since when is killing my friends mercy? He was seventeen years old!"

Shī's eyes softened a little at the sight of welling tears in hers. "He was beyond help. He was suffering, and you showed him a kindness—"

"The hell I did!" Sakura yanked her hand away and scrambled to her feet. "You didn't even know him, okay? He wasn't supposed to… He was too good."

Shī stood. "No, I didn't know him. But I saw the state of his muscles. There was nothing either of us could have done. Be reasonable."

She wanted to scream. "He was too good to die. And I…" The tears stung and she squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm just as bad as you say."

"What are you talking about? I never said—"

"It's Konoha's fault we're in this war, right?" Sakura said, wiping the escaped tears with a sleeve. "Madara and Kabuto, Akatsuki, Orochimaru. They're all Konoha's problem. We are the problem."

"That's not what I meant."

"Isn't it?" Sakura held his gaze as she went on the offensive. "We're the ones responsible for this, just like you said. Even Sasuke. I know what he is. I just never wanted to admit it. I think… I think I've known for a long time."

"Just stop and listen for one se—"

"If it wasn't for him, maybe Naruto and I could have been happier, and you wouldn't hate Konoha so much. If it weren't for me, then Lee would still be alive—"

Sakura cut her words short when Shī grabbed her by the shoulders and shook.

"Stop it," he said. "That's enough."

The ardor in his plea surprised Sakura so much that she did stop for a moment. It was all he needed.

"You're nothing like Uchiha Sasuke. He failed you, but you didn't fail Lee."

Sakura pressed her palms against his chest to push him away, but he held firm. "I don't—"

"No, you need to hear this," he interrupted. "What I said before about Konoha...I didn't mean you. Or Shizune, or the Hokage, or everyone fighting with us. I know you're not the problem, I just didn't know you. But now I do, and I want…"

Night had fallen by then and a chill raised goose bumps along Sakura's arms where Shī held her. She searched his eyes and wondered why he'd stopped talking. Under the pale pinks and oranges of sunset, he almost looked upset.

"What do you want?" she asked.

Silence was her only answer for several breaths as Shī held her gaze. The descending chill of evening made Sakura shiver all of a sudden, but she barely felt it under the heat of his palms where he still held her.

"...I want you to find a way past this," he said at last. "Don't condemn yourself for a crime you didn't commit."

Tears welled in her eyes against Sakura's better judgment. This was not the man she'd met several weeks ago, the one she'd clashed with at every turn. Or maybe this was who he'd always been, and she was only now allowed the privilege to see it. Regardless, Sakura decided she was finished pushing away the people in her life who cared enough to help.

Relaxing the iron grip she had on his vest, Sakura moved her arms around Shī's neck and pulled him close, burying her face in the crook of his neck. When her breath hitched with the first sob, Shī wrapped one arm around her middle while the other found her hair.

"Don't cry," he said, running nimble fingers through her hair.

"Someone has to cry for all the people we've lost."

"...No."

Sakura pulled away, confused at his sudden change of demeanor. "No?"

Even though the atmosphere had turned serious, Shī continued to play with her hair. The cold no longer reached them.

"No," he said again. "We'll end this war. You and me, together."

Sakura felt something pulling her in as she held his gaze, dark and deep and so much like Sasuke's. But there was no hatred or anger there, no madness as he tried to ram a screaming Chidori through her heart. Thinking back, she wasn't even sure what Sasuke was seeing when he attacked her, but it wasn't this. Shī looked at her like he saw her, only her. Warm fingers continued to tug at her hair, and Sakura felt herself leaning into them.

"That's a lot of responsibility for just two people," she said, humoring him.

"I feel like I can do anything when I'm around you," he said, as if it should have been obvious.

A blush threatened to bloom on Sakura's cheeks as she processed his words, but he continued as though nothing was amiss.

"And it's not just us. It's Konoha and Cloud and the rest of the alliance. It starts here, with the Zetsu clones and you and me, and soon we'll have the whole army taking them out."

Something in his conviction reminded her of Naruto when he set his mind to something, which was a ridiculous thought because Shī was nothing like Naruto. And yet, she could feel his words ringing true. Here, with him, she almost felt like she could do anything, too.

"Once the Zetsu army's taken care of, that will eliminate about ninety percent of the enemy's numbers," he continued. "No one else has to die for this stupid war."

Sakura's face fell at that, her thoughts stuck on Lee dying under her fingertips. She let her gaze fall. "But there's nothing we can do for the ones who've already died."

Shī moved the hand in her hair down her arm until he found her hand and squeezed. She looked up, puzzled by the unreadable, almost uncomfortable expression in his eyes.

"His death won't be in vain," he said with conviction. "None of it will."

Sakura could not have passed a coherent thought through her head then if she tried. Between the tempest of negative emotions swirling within her, the talk of Konoha and wars and victory, and the way he was touching her, she couldn't have thought clearly if she tried. But why...?

"I need to report back to Ao. Are you...going to be okay?"

Sakura blinked, a little stunned at the change of subject. "Um, I..."

"Sakura?"

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just going to take a nap, I think."

Shī nodded and released her. "I'll see you later, maybe when you're feeling better."

"Sure..."

He left and Sakura was alone once more, rooted to the spot and unable to process what had just happened. If she didn't know any better, she'd say Shī was flirting with her.

Oh Sakura, he was doing more than that.

A hand found it's way into her hair, still warm from his touch, and she felt all the breath leave her body. He'd distracted her. If only for a few precious moments, she was so focused on him that she wasn't hung up on the tragedy of Lee's death. Accidental death.

It was an accident.

She knew it wasn't her fault, but someone had to take the blame for it. People like Lee didn't just die for no reason. A familiar blanket of despair draped around her shoulders, physically weighing her down, but she remained upright. Fingers twisted the ends of her hair, remembering another's fingers in their place only moments ago. Against her better judgment, heat reddened her cheeks.

But I couldn't possibly...

Sakura shook her head. There was no way, and she wasn't even going to think about it. That was the absolute last thing that should be on her mind at a time like this. Lee was still dead and many more were in danger of joining him. Shizune was right. She needed to rest and recover so she could start fresh. If nothing else, she owed it to the patients under her care. Determined, she headed back to her bunk for a few hours' rest.

Idiot.

Shī felt heavier with each step he took away from Sakura. This wasn't right even if his intentions were pure. He'd seen people fall into that black abyss of self-loathing brought on by the guilt of loss and failure, usually at the expense of another. Sakura was only torturing herself over Lee's death which, as anyone could see, had been inevitable. Shī doubted even the legendary Tsunade could have saved him. But he knew what it was like to lose people, people he loved and cherished who didn't deserve to die and be unable to do anything for them.

"What are you going to be when you grow up?"

"Don't you know? Well, you can decide when we come back, okay?"

Don't leave me...

Sometimes, he could still hear the sound of his father's voice, could still smell his mother's perfume when she'd lean in close to tell him secrets. Shī ran a hand through his hair to dispel the memory. There was no point in dwelling on what could not change.

Cutting through the medical tent to get to communications, Shī was surprised to feel a tug on his arm. "Hina, you're all right," he said, relieved to see the redhead up and about again.

Hina smiled. "Yes, thanks to you. Akari told me what you did."

"Oh, I didn't really do—"

"Nonsense, you saved my life. If you hadn't figured out the Zetsu clones' secret and located me when you did, I'd be dead and you know it."

Shī smiled a little. He was genuinely relieved to know that she was all right. Her vitality was amazing, truly. "I'm glad to know you're okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be going."

"Shī," she called to him. "I...well, I know it's none of my business, but I wanted to return the favor somehow."

"What is it?"

Hina looked up and down the narrow, tented corridor to make sure no one was around to overhear them. "I...forgive me, but I saw you outside earlier with Sakura, and I just wanted you to know that it's nice to see something something good come out of all this." She gestured with her arm to indicate the medical tent around them. "I'm very happy for you both."

Not this again.

Shī resisted the urge to say something harsh. She'd only just recovered, after all. As usual, he recited the same spiel he gave to Akari whenever she pestered him. "There's nothing going on between Sakura and myself. We're professionals brought together by this horrible war, that's all."

Hina blinked. "Oh, I didn't mean to give offense. It's just, well, it's so obvious that you feel for her. I thought it was nice to see amidst all the gloom and doom recently."

Shī felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "No, you've got it wrong. Sakura loves...someone else. It's not like that with us."

Hina didn't try to fight him on it, she just smiled politely. "Well, if you say so. But when a girl lets you play with her hair the way she did, I think it means you're something special."

What?

No, that couldn't be right. It had been a selfish indulgence and something to take her mind off of Lee's death, not a proclamation of feelings. She loved Uchiha Sasuke, not him.

"I know what he is."

He's fallen, that's what he is.

Sometimes Shī would awaken in a cold sweat, the memory of Sasuke's frigid chakra squeezing the life out of him still as clear as the day it had happened. More than anything, it had been the shocking cold that had prevented him from reacting in time to break the genjutsu. There was something dark about him, something awful and rotten that corrupted him to the core. He supposed if he'd realized that in the course of a few minutes, Sakura would have understood it better than anyone knowing him as long as she had.

"Are you okay?"

Hina was watching him, brow furrowed in slight worry as he spaced out. Shī banished his dark thoughts and nodded.

"Fine. Sorry, just...thinking."

"Don't think too hard," she said, smiling a little now that she saw he was himself again. "You'll think yourself into a hole."

"Yeah..."

Hina bowed and excused herself. Shī watched her go, suddenly in no hurry to talk to Ao. What was happening to him? It was silly to let himself daydream about old foes and impossible fantasies. This was reality, the gritty, dirty cesspool of a hospital barely staying afloat amidst the internecine happening just beyond the perimeter walls. There was no love her, no life or much hope at all. There was only death. Watching Lee die had proven that much.

But as Shī made his way to the communications tent on autopilot, he could not help but remember the tears in her eyes that brought out the green, so vivid and bright in this grey world. He didn't want to lose that feeling.

"What do you want?"

Shī clenched the fist that had been entangled in Sakura's hair only minutes ago. What he wanted was beyond his control. It lay among fields of gold, shining and warm and waiting for him to reach out.

Hina was wrong. There was no hope in reaching for what isn't there at all.

I'm back. :) Action coming at you in a big way next chapter.