Joker

Ladies and Gentlemen… Asari and Turians! Dancing The Blue Danube with his partner, The Mako! I proudly give you… JOKER!

Everyone stared at the groaning Shepard, trying to process.

"Ma'am. Did you tell him you'd give him his cap back?" Asked Kaidan. Shepard nodded now realising the massive error she had made. Suddenly the view screen flared into life. There on the planet below, on one of the ice caps, was the Mako. Then Joker's voice came though the speakers.

"Ladies and Gentlemen…and Garrus. I am here to prove Commander Shepard wrong. Please start the music and leave the court martial for later." The pilot sounded strangely smug. Sighing, Kaidan went over the console and pressed play on a file Joker had just uploaded. Classical music began to stream though the speakers. Both Kaidan and Ashley looked at each other, they knew that song. The Gunnery Chief nudged Kaidan.

"Hey. 500 credits say he does an epic fail." She whispered as the Mako began to move in graceful circles.

"Deal." The two Marines shook hands and sat back to watch the event unfold. The Mako began to move a bit more faster, in time with the music, suddenly as the music began to climax, the thrusters ignited for a split second allowing Joker to do a spin on one tyre. As Joker happily drifted around the ice, everyone's jaws began to drop more and more. They couldn't believe it. They were watching the Mako do ballet! He was using the Thrusters just the right amount to achieve little spins and jumps in the air. Then the Mako began to spin on the spot, the brakes being hit at the right time and the Mako going onto the back tyres. Soon the Music began to come to the end, Joker stuck his head out of the window and began to do complex J-turns. Then a drum roll began to play and the Mako speed towards a ramp of snow.

"Oh Keelah. Should I get Dr. Chakwas on standby?" Asked Tali, not sure whether she should avert her eyes. Everyone inhaled as the Mako's tyres hit the ramp and then flew into the air, the Mako began to tip and Joker used the Thrusters to spin the vehicle. The Mako landed safely and lifted up on the front tyres and spun on to spot. As soon as the music finished the all six tyres were back on the ground. Suddenly a Camera popped down from the ceiling and took a picture of the crew. The picture on the view screen switched to the interior of the Mako, with Joker grinning at the screen. No one had ever seen the bugger that smug. Everyone looked at Shepard who had sat down and promptly buried her head.

"Shepard, you told Joker he could not make the Mako dance to the Blue Danube?" Asked Ashley, glaring at Kaidan as he nudged her.

"Yes… Pressley pick Joker up, he'd proven his point. I'll leave his damn cap on the pilot chair…" Joker coughed.

"Actually Commander I want you to give it to me in person. So I'll see you in the Cargo bay." The View screen went blank. Huffing Shepard went out and headed to the cargo bay. Kaidan once again nudged Ashley.

"What Kaidan?" She snapped.

"You owe me 500 credits." Came the simple reply as Kaidan followed Shepard, rather hurriedly. Down in the cargo bay, even Engineer Adams heard the scream of frustration. Ashley was not having a good day…

Joker gently eased himself out of the Mako, careful not to brake any bones. He could feel Artemis Shepard glaring at him, eyes a narrow line. Dr Chakwas was near the elevator, most proberly ready to lecture him. He walked over to Shepard and retrieved his cap from her head. Shepard went to walk away but Joker grabbed her arm.

"Remember what else you said?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. The rest of the ground team looked slightly confused. Shepard blushed the most adorable shade of red.

"It was meant as a joke. I never thought anyone could make that heap of shit dance." Protested Shepard. Smiling, Joker began to imitate her voice.

"Hell, if you can make the Mako dance, I'd give you your cap back and kiss…" Joker leaned forward and whispered the last part into her ear. Behind Shepard, Wrex gave Kaidan a nudge and said something about how this was his lucky day. Joker also noted it seemed to be taking all of Shepard's self control so she wouldn't break every single bone in his body.

"Joker, please tell me you are kidding." She muttered between gritted teeth. Her fists clenched when the pilot shook his head. There was an indignant squawk as Wrex dragged Kaidan over.

"Oh well Shepard, make it his lucky day. At this rate he'll never get laid." Joker laughed at Wrex, of course they'd think it was Kaidan.

"Sorry it isn't his lucky day. It's mine." The look on Kaidan's face was priceless. The poor bugger. Shepard crossed her arms and pouted, angrily.

"No! I am not kissing you on a cheek. Not until you shave the fur off your face!" She hissed. Joker clutched his heart in mock pain.

"Ow! That hurt! That was low, even for you Shepard!" Kaidan then raised his hand.

"Err. Wait. The Commander did say anything about when she had to kiss you?" Shepard broke out into a smile as Joker glared at who he'd thought was his friend.

"Oh yeah…Well see you all later. Doc, he's all yours." In a blink of an eye, Dr Chakwas had crossed the length of the cargo bay and began dragging Joker towards the elevator by the ear.

Well that failed. I am so going to make Kaidan's life hell!

In fact when Kaidan's terminal blew up in his face, a week later, everyone knew who'd done it. Joker had learned that after a singed Kaidan AND Shepard came storming up to the cockpit and stole Joker's cap. He also learned that two angry Biotics were made him brown his pants.

Back to the present moment though. Shepard examined a pad, Tali had just given her. It was another message from the Mako's Satnav.

From: Mako Satnav

To: Normandy, Jeff Moreau

0100111101101000001000000110 1101011110010010111000101110 0010111000100000010110010110 1111011101010010000001110010 0110010101100001011011000110 1100011110010010000001101011 0110111001101111011101110010 0000011010000110111101110111 0010000001110100011011110010 0000011101000111001001100101 0110000101110100001000000110 0001001000000110011101101001 0111001001101100001011100010 0000010110010110111101110101 0010000001101000011000010111 0110011001010010000001110011 0111010101100011011010000010 0000011011010110000101100111 0110100101100011011000010110 1100001000000110100001100001 0110111001100100011100110010 1110001011100010111000100000 0100100100100000001111000011 0011001000000111100101101111 0111010100100000010010100110 0101011001100110011000101100 0010000000110100011001010111 0110011001010111001000101110

It took a while to stop Shepard giggling. Today had been a good day, she now had all sorts of interesting blackmail at her disposal. Especially since everyone pretty much screamed like a bunch of girls. Shepard mentally made a note that the next time she took the Mako out to put Highway to Hell on… or maybe Magic Carpet Ride?

1. Oh my... You really know how to treat a girl. You have such magical hands... I 3 you Jeff, 4ever.

Now to the Judges.. And we have a perfect score! Oh wait… The Turian councillor is being a killjoy. *bang* Thank you Wrex.

Okay I'll be honest, it was easy to imagine the Mako's dance moves but writing them down is so hard! I know not the names of dance moves, sorry if i disappointed.

Thank you all for reading, now I need to tend to the plot bunnies, aka write them down...