Misery. The thirst for blood is misery. There was no relief for me. Only varying degrees of unadulterated hunger that clawed at me with hate. I was spiraling into darkness and I felt nothing but absolute defeat. I told Stefan the night before that I didn't think I would survive living like this. As usual his outstanding hope shot down my fear but only for a fleeting moment and the defeat and hopelessness took hold of me once more.

I sat at the kitchen table before school gripping a bagel in my hand and trying to will my body to crave it once more. I stared at it, taking in the tiniest details of the seeds that topped it. I tried to picture the time before turning when I craved regular food. I took a small bite and began chewing. I could have been eating cotton. It was no different. I swallowed it reluctantly and felt tears stinging my eyes. I knew that I could sit there all day and choke down my body weight in food but it would make no difference. There would still be the hunger. My hell. I became suddenly enraged and threw the bagel and it hit with an echoing bang and a fresh dent in the drywall.

"Elena, you okay?" Jeremy stood in the doorway, his brows creased with worry. A look I was beginning to get tired of seeing from him.

"No, Jeremy. I'm NOT okay. I'm starving." I said laying my forehead on the table and gripping the edges so hard I could feel my nails digging into the wood. The images began to flood my mind again. The party the night before. The taste of blood pooling into my mouth. The feeling of absolute euphoria but still hungry. Always hungry. I felt the ache in my gums as my fangs began to push through.

"Drink from me." Jeremy said walking to me. Before Jeremy took another step I jumped out of my chair and through myself to the other side of kitchen, as far away from Jeremy as I could get. He froze in his tracks.

"No! No! Don't you ever say that again, Jeremy!" I could barely get the words out.

"Why is it okay for Matt and not for me?"

"You're my brother."

He began mumbling on about being worried about me all the time but I couldn't concentrate on what he was saying anymore. The sound of his heart beat was too loud and the sound of the blood coursing through his veins became louder than the rush of a river.

"Jeremy just go to school."

He sighed and shook his hand. He turned to walk to the door.

"Aren't you coming?" He asked looking back to see that I wasn't following him.

I laughed out of frustration. "Do I look like I need to be in a crowd right now, Jeremy?"

After Jeremy left I sat trying to deal with the wave of guilt I felt for being so hard on Jeremy. One thing was for sure. Emotions being heightened as a vampire was in no way, a joke. I barely recognized myself as a person anymore. I laughed too loud, I cried too hard and I was angry most of the time.

The sound of my phone buzzing next to me snapped me out of my racing thoughts. It was Stefan. His voice sounded thick with worry as I told him that I couldn't make it to school. He told me to come to the house. I got to the boarding house a little to quick for traffic law but luckily I didn't get pulled over. The hunger was wrecking inside of me and I knew that any officer that pulled me over would be giving more than a ticket.

I got through the house swiftly and up to Stefan's room. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was trying to avoid Damon, but I knew it was true. I also didn't want to admit that since my transition, if it hand't have been for Damon, I would have already given up. Stefan was trying his best for me but between his denial that I'm a little out of control and the fact that when it comes to blood he is already standing on a tightrope, trying not to fall...it's been a little difficult for him to really be there with me. As long as I'm keeping a brave face he seems to do fine but when it gets messy...Damon is there in the darkest hour trying pull me back. As amazing as Damon had been for me though, he was also a nightmare for me to be around. It didn't matter what I did, the strongest emotions come pouring out of me anytime he was around. Constantly reminding me that no matter what kind of friction I ever had with him, that I was just like him. I also knew that If I had any chance of surviving being a vampire it was going to be in Damon's hands. Damon was a dangerous, beautiful thing that haunted me every second.

"I should have never agreed to let you go with Damon." I sat on the bed watching Stefan pace the floor in front of me. "It was a huge mistake. I told you that once you were introduced to his way of feeding it would cause problems."

"Stefan we tried your way first, remember? You can't really blame him. That's the problem. Nothing is working for me. I couldn't keep down animal blood, or bagged blood. Not even Damon's..." I stopped mid sentence wishing I could take back the last few words that now hung in the air between us. I knew that me drinking from Damon was something Stefan would never be able to let go of. Judging by the look of hot anger on Stefan's face, I knew that to be a fact.

"Well we have to do something. We'll figure it out. Everything is going to be fine Elena." He said running his fingers through his hair out of frustration.

"I don't think it is Stefan."

"Yes. It is." He said again.

I was so tired of Stefan trying to force a sense of hope that wasn't there. I felt like he hadn't heard a word I had said.

He sat down on the bed next to me.

"Hey." He said taking my face in his hands. "I love you. I'm not going to let anything happen to you." He said leaning in and kissing me softly.

"I think you're a little too late for that, brother." Damon said suddenly standing in the doorway. "You let her drown, remember?" He grinned sarcastically.

"What do you want, Damon?" Stefan sighed.

"Hey, I'm sorry I interrupted your greeting card pep talk but for some reason Klaus is standing in our living room asking for you." Damon tossed back the last of the scotch he had in his glass and crossed the room to pour another at Stefan's desk.

"Klaus? Why is he here?" I asked.

"Yeah, weren't we just trying to kill him like a month ago?" Damon poured another glass of scotch and brought it over to me. He did it wordlessly. Knowing without asking that I needed it. I took it and all but chugged it down.

"You didn't seem to mind pairing up with him to go after the hunter." Stefan challenged Damon.

Damon half smiled. "I guess that's fair. Now why don't you inform us on what you're doing." Damon crossed his arms over his chest. I could sense a small rise in anger in Damon. He couldn't handle plans made behind his back. I pressed my lips together trying not to laugh out loud about his frustration. I would be happy when these acute attacks of over bearing laughter would stop coming on, along with the tears and the anger.

"I had dinner with Rebecca and Klaus last night. We discussed some things about the hunters and today were looking more into it." Stefan explained. The fact that he was hiding something was practically screaming at us in the silence.

"I'm sorry. I'm still waiting for the part where you tell me what the hell is going on." Damon snapped.

"Damon, for now, let me just take care of this, okay? Trust me." Stefan said. He looked over at me. "Please just trust me."

I nodded and Damon sighed in frustration. Holding his hand out for the glass I was holding. "I don't know what stupid plan you have concocted brother but it better be good. What ever you need to look into you better do it quick and maybe just don't come back till you can share with the rest of the class." Damon slammed the glass on the desk and then was quickly gone from the room.

"Stefan, whatever is going on just please be careful. Dealing with Klaus has never been the best for any of us." I said.

"I know. I'll explain everything later I just...need to find out more." Stefan said. "I have to get going but I'll be back later tonight. I'm really sorry to be leaving you, I know you're having a rough day." Stefan voice lowered apologetically.

"Don't be sorry. Just be careful. I love you, Stefan."

Stefan left and I laid back on the bed. I tried to fall asleep but the hunger came back even worse as I was surrounded by silence. I got up to see what Damon was doing. Avoiding Damon wasn't worth it. I needed any kind of distraction I could get. I found him downstairs standing in front of the fire place.

"I'm sorry about last night." He said without turning around. "I shouldn't have thrown you into so much at one time." He said. I walked up beside him. " I just wanted to see some joy on your face. No matter what the cost."

"Don't be sorry. You were just trying to help me. I'm just starting to think I'm beyond help." I said, looking at him standing next to me. His face, masked by the golden light of the fire seemed to harden up.

"Maybe." He said so quietly, that a human would never have heard it.

I felt the tears coming again. He turned to face me.

"But maybe not. Being a vampire blows, Elena. You just have to do what you have to do to survive. The only thing stopping you is ...you...and that naggy compassion of yours." He smiled lightly.

I watched his smile fade as our eyes locked. That feeling of electricity that I always got around him, mixed with a giddy excitement began to rise in me and I looked away from him, back to the fire. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him look back to the fire as well. For the first time in what felt like an eternity I thought of that night at the hotel. When we kissed. I wondered what would have happened if Jeremy hadn't have caught us. I ran my hands through my hair, trying to clear my head. I couldn't control my thoughts as well I used to. Not as a vampire. Then in place of that, I thought about digging my teeth into flesh and I sighed.

"What are you thinking about?" Damon asked. He grabbed the fire poker and poked around, sending embers and sparks spiraling.

"Damon, I'm starving. Literally." He turned and looked at me and saw that I was slightly swaying on my feet. He dropped the fire poker on the floor and steadied me.

"Elena, you have to feed." He said, looking intensely into my eyes.

"I don't want to go anywhere, Damon. I can't handle feeding on people right now." I said breaking into tears.

"Well, what exactly do you plan on doing then, Elena?" Damon sounded more worried then upset. I sank down to the floor, feeling weak. Damon mirrored my action.

"Damon, can you explain to me why Stefan was so angry about me feeding on you?" I looked up at him. I saw a little flash of surprise run across his face. I saw him rub the palm of his hand as his face went from surprised to thoughtful. He finally raised his eyes to meet mine.

"Its...intimate. The act of blood sharing. It's like..." He seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say.

"Sex?" I asked feeling my stomach fly.

"Kind of, yes. Its a connection on many deep levels for the one feeding and the one being fed on." He explained.

"Does it cause you to have feelings for them?" I asked looking into the fire.

"No. But it amplifies feelings if there already there." He said. The fire cracked and sputtered in the silence.

I sat there, stirring uncomfortably in rampaging hunger. I started to feel more like an animal than a person. The vampire part of me was taking over and there was nothing I could do to control it. Any guilt I felt for the idea that I had in my head had faded.

"I want to do it again." I finally said.

Damon looked up at me in full on surprise.

"Elena, you're hungry. You're not really thinking straight. Stefan just started speaking to me again over the last time. Don't get me wrong, the peace and quiet has been golden but..." He stopped when I dropped my head into my hands. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"No! I'm NOT okay!" I nearly yelled at him. "I'm starving Damon. It's driving me crazy."

"The last time we did this it didn't even work." Damon said, trying to stay calm even though I could tell he finally realized I was becoming unhinged.

"I know but the last time you were drinking bagged blood and since you spent all night last night feeding on fresh blood I just thought it might be different this time." I explained. I was trying to keep my growing hysteria from edging into my voice but it was getting difficult.

"I just know you, Elena. You'll do this and then you're going to feel guilty..."

"Damon please!" I said starting to feel a panic wave over me. "Please! I won't tell anyone and I won't be upset. The only time since Ive been a vampire that I've been totally at peace while feeding was with you. Damon...even when I did feel guilty, I couldn't feel it completely. Please!" I felt tears begin to fall.

"Okay, okay." Damon took me into his arms to calm me down. "It's ok. You can tell anyone you want, I don't care. If it's what you need then that's all that matters." He said softly.

I smiled and wiped my tears. "Look who has naggy compassion now."

Damon smiled, a startling beautiful smile. He backed up across the floor until his back was against the couch.

"Come here." He motioned me to him. He bit into the palm of his hand and it only took me a split second to smell the blood pooling in his hand. I flew next to him and took his hand. I looked up at him. He nodded. I pressed his palm to my mouth and began pulling his blood down as quick as I could. I felt the sensation I did last time, of pure comfort and peacefulness. I just wanted to lean into Damon and drink from him forever. I pulled away for a moment and looked up at him. His eyes looked heavy and almost tired. I recognized it as what you would consider a drug hazed expression. I knew then thats what it was like. It was like an obsession. He was my drug. I took in the perfect angles of his face. His dark lashes casting shadows from the fire. Hunger took me again. I crashed into Damon, chest against chest and bit into his neck. He ran his hand into the back of my hair. As I drank and drank I heard Damon moan the tiniest bit. I jerked back, afraid I was hurting him. He grinned that sideways grin but I realized in horror that he looked pale.

"I'm okay." He said. His voice was heavy and deeper then usual.

"I want to know what it feels like." I said.

"Elena, I don't know." He said weakly.

"Come on, Damon." I laughed and hit his leg. "Are you shy?"

The most wicked grin lit up his face and lightning quick he grabbed me by my shoulders and pinned me to the ground. We looked at each other for the quickest moment and then I felt his teeth sink into my chest right above my breast. The feeling that took over was euphoria. Somewhere in the very back of my head was guilt. Because I was loving every moment of this. I felt more satisfied then I ever had before in hunger. When I realized I was running my hands under shirt, feeling the smooth warmness of his torso I suddenly realized we had to stop. I pushed him back but he moved with it willingly because he knew we had to stop as well.

"You okay?" He asked straightening out his shirt.

"I feel great. I think this might actually work. I don't feel nauseous at all or anything." I smiled

"That's what I was afraid of." Damon's face fell serious. "This can't happen again. Because, right now you're riding on a blood high but tonight you're gonna start feeling all guilty and Jimminy Cricket will whisper in your ear about honesty and deceit and blah blah blah and so on."

"Damon, let me just enjoy how I feel right now. At this moment."

He smiled. "Fair enough."

THERE IS SOME CRAZY STUFF COMING UP. PLEASE LEAVE REVIEWS. I LIKE TO HAVE SEVERAL BEFORE MOVING ON SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING. -aj