Chapter 6

They brought Loki to Eir's infirmary. At first the healer looked taken aback by the sight of a frost giant in her premises but she knew better than to question the orders she was given and tended to Loki's wounds without a word.

They barely arrived when Frigga rushed in, short of breath, flushed and upset. She didn't falter, not even for a second, and Thor was wondering if it was the mother's heart that recognized the son in any circumstances, no matter how long they hadn't seen each other or the color of their skin. She hugged Loki and she cried and Loki buried his face in the folds of her robe, in the familiar scent of gentleness and caress.

"I cannot ever forgive myself for not having been strong enough. For letting you go," Frigga whispered against his hair, rocking his son as if he was still a child, and Loki clung onto her just like one. "I regretted it every day. It is a burden I willingly carry forever. Even more willingly now that you are safe."

And Loki knew it was true. He also knew these words didn't even give credit to reality. He could sense the sadness around his mother, it was like a lingering scent she carried around with her. For so many years he had thought he wouldn't ever be able to forgive them for letting him go, but he could not be so with the mother he knew for certain had suffered as much.

"Mother," he whispered, and it was all he said.

-o-

"What will happen now? Did I bring war upon Asgard?" Loki asked one day.

He was gradually gaining strength, his wounds healing. Thor spent his every free minute by his bedside, starting and finishing his day at Eir's chambers, but there were things they were reluctant to talk about and many times they let silence reign instead.

Thor had an undignified quarrel with his parents, years of painful mourning spat up, a horrible exchange of blames and awkward uncomfortable questions. He still could not comprehend why they deemed that lying to him was the best solution. The only explanation he received -you would have marched into Jötunheim like a fool at the first chance you had- held too much truth, though, for him to deny: maybe they could let their younger son go but Thor could not give up his brother.

"Father thinks there is only little chance for it," he replied before pulling on a troubled, unsure expression. "Loki, you should know that in the battle in Jötunheim, your… brothers fell."

Thor looked at him like he wasn't sure how much the news would upset Loki, what feelings he cherished in him for his other brothers. Loki tried to gauge his own feelings. He found only the slightest of grief in his heart, and even that was unreasonable. Neither Helblindi nor Býleistr ever behaved toward him like brothers should, but they were still too young to die.

"Father's opinion is that if Laufey reclaimed you, it would also mean you would have the succession to the Jötun throne, and it is very unlikely Laufey would want you to sit there."

"They are better off without a king than with me," he commented darkly.

The silence was heavy with dark knowledge, with sins too great to be voiced.

"You want your brother back, Thor, is it so?" Loki watched him with sudden sadness. Thor returned the gaze warily, not even nodding, not stirring but Loki didn't need an answer. "You cannot. The boy who left Asgard that day is not the one who returned now."

"What do you say?"

"You know very well how they treated me. What they did to me."

At that moment, Thor was unable to meet his eyes. What they did. What he himself did. The monstrosity of those deeds, years of constant humiliation. Rage started to bubble up his chest, and he wished he had killed Laufey, slowly and cruelly for treating Loki that way. The wrath stretching his body was so great that he could have torn Jötunheim apart with his bare hands but the feeling collapsed in on itself at Loki's next words.

"I'm broken beyond fixing, Thor."

"What do you say?" Thor repeated, shaken to the core. "I… I will fix you."

"Oh, the same old arrogance," Loki smiled at him, but it wasn't ill. "I thought I would never see it again."

"Loki… I can't lose you again. I can't. I just…"

Thor looked so pathetically helpless that Loki felt sorry for him. "I won't go anywhere," he whispered, and it seemed to put Thor at ease. Only Loki knew it didn't mean he returned. What Thor would keep close to himself was a shell, a broken toy he wouldn't harbor interest for far too long.

They were engaged in silence for some time before Thor spoke up again.

"Do you want your Aesir form back, Loki? Father said if you wished so, he can grant you that."

Loki looked at him for long, his gaze examining Thor's face, trying to find the answer there to a question he didn't dare to ask.

As if reading his mind, Thor smiled at him. "You have to know I don't mind your true form. No matter what you choose, you are beloved either way."

Loki's smile was a relieved one. "Thank you, Thor. I will think about it."

-o-

It was two days later. In the morning when Thor came to entertain Loki while he had his breakfast like he usually did, Loki was still asleep. Thor stepped closer to the bed, and Loki stirred and opened his eyes, and Thor was standing there rooted to the spot, and he felt for the first time since he knew the truth of his brother's death that it was real. The veil covering the world since Loki's death was finally lifted, and Thor stared at the creamy face, at the emerald eyes he didn't understand how he could ever forget how shiny they were, how clear and vibrant, and tears were gathering behind his eyelids because now he could truly recognize the brother he had lost, matured than he remembered but still with similar features.

"Brother…"

The word fell between them but neither knew who uttered it.

Loki sat up slowly, not understanding Thor's expression, why he was so shaken, so upset. Then his gaze fell on his own arms, his bare chest, and with a jolt of realization, he shrank back. He knew it was irrational but he felt more naked than ever before in his Jötun form.

Thor was there in a heartbeat and he pulled him to his chest in an iron embrace, murmuring in his ear with broken voice: "Never leave me, brother, never leave me again."

Loki hugged him back, relishing in the feel of the embrace that awakened the strangest mixture of feelings and memories, old and recent ones too, and there was a maddening moment when he couldn't distinguish between them and didn't know if he should at all. Those moments in Jötunheim when they were not brothers were forever imprinted in his skin beyond its color.

Neither knew at the moment that the newest development made the split in their warped relationship only wider.

-o-

Loki figured out in the painful way that something was amiss. After the day he regained his Aesir guise, something in Thor's behavior changed. Before that, it had been heavy with awkward silences and involuntary touches that were withdrawn sometimes a second too late, but now there was none. Loki caught him secretly staring at him when he thought Loki didn't look, and it was always the strangest blend of emotions written all over his face. Thor had always been so easy to read, and it didn't really change in the past years.

When it was only the two of them, it was even more awkward, burdened with memories they should not remember, with guilt they couldn't decide if they should really feel. They didn't know what to do with this new feeling that didn't fit in their brotherly relationship. They tried to behave like brothers but something felt not right, and it was only Loki who slowly understood they couldn't pretend that they could go back to being brothers as they couldn't just simply forget what happened in Jötunheim either. The feeling that was borne there in them was still there and couldn't be turned back around.

"You are unhappy, brother," Thor told him one day, and it was new because in the past he rarely was perceptive enough when it came to Loki's emotions. He looked so worried, so distressed that Loki felt pity for him. "You miss Jötunheim?"

"How could I miss it, you big oaf?" Loki said incredulously, and it was the same smile on his lips, the one Thor had missed so greatly.

Thor laughed, chest bursting with sudden joy. "Nobody has called me that since you."

"Thor. Nobody has ever called you that." He reached out with the fakest sour expression he could summon, and smoothed the folds of Thor's tunic on his chest, adjusted his collar, appearing like a reproaching father, but his eyes were gleaming with jest. "Somehow they all failed to see what you are."

Thor laughed again and pulled him to his chest lovingly. They stood stock still in the onrush of sensation, and Loki mumbled around the lump in his throat more out of desire to shift his focus to something neutral than anything else.

"I need time to find my old life. Then again, there might be naught to find."

Thor only nodded against his shoulder, and there was a split of a second when his lips grazed the skin on Loki's neck before he pulled away, and Loki knew, if it was for Thor, he would not let himself slip again and cross the physical border he had set up for himself with such meticulous care.

-o-

When Thor entered his room, he didn't see him first. He took a few steps and started at the sight of the figure sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Loki."

Loki stood, and the shadows shifted on his lithe body, emphasizing the blue hue just perfectly. He smiled because lately Thor didn't use his name. When he addressed him, it was with the eternal brother falling from his lips.

"Why are you back in your Jötun form?"

"Does it bother you?" he stepped closer, and he saw how it took all Thor's power not to retreat, but not by far out of fear.

Thor swallowed. He couldn't help but run his gaze up and down Loki, following the light marks of his skin until they disappeared behind the hem of his clothes, and even then following them with his mind's eye because he fancied he knew them better than he knew the back of his own hand. He remembered their taste, too, and it put even the best meal he had ever had to shame.

"Why would it bother me?"

"Because when I'm in my true form, you realized that it comes harder for you to think of me as a brother than as a lover." A soft smiled grazed Loki's lips at how Thor started to fidget and he didn't need his confirmation that his assumptions were correct. "I noticed you were avoiding me, Thor. You avoid touching me."

"You want to be touched?" Thor mumbled dumbly.

"Maybe," Loki sighed. He rubbed his forehead, and suddenly dropped all manners and restrain. "We cannot pretend it has never happened, Thor. It is either we sit down and agree that we go back to being brothers or we take this to a whole new level. But we cannot avoid the subject forever."

"It is sensible. But what if what I want is not the same as what you want?" Thor groaned, frustrated.

"I think we are mature enough to come to terms with it, too. Just be honest."

"I want you," Thor blurted suddenly. "I want you like I did in Jötunheim but I can accept that it's something that shouldn't be."

Loki looked at him with an almost affectionate smirk. "You truly are an oaf, Thor."

But when the next moment Loki kissed him, Thor just couldn't care less.

A/N: So this is the end of the story. Yes, I could have written 10 more chapters but this was intended to be only a one-shot, haha. I hope, though, that I did not disappoint you too much with the sudden ending.
Anyhow, thank you again for the many alerts and faves, and esp. for the comments!
FYI: my smutty stories that cannot be posted on FFN can be found on my AO3 account. Link is in my profile, in case you're interested. Thanks for reading3