It's been a long time, and a long road back, but I'm here. I promise. I've got new ideas and new abilities to write at odd hours of the day. Thank you so much to those of you who have prod me to continue this story, particularly mathmom. You all are absolutely the best. Castle isn't mine, but is, instead, the brilliant brain child of TEM and AWM. Please don't slay me in reviews for this chapter, though feel free to constructively criticize as much as you would like.

EDIT: Per some suggestions, including at least one that involved the words "Kate" and "psychopath" in the same sentence, the ending has been changed. My hope is that this makes the story a bit more true to the characters, while allowing for creative addition on my part. Thanks Ceetee!

"I had just found out that I was pregnant. Hadn't even gone to a doctors appointment yet, just peed on the plastic stick and seen the plus. Josh didn't know. How could he? I was always at the precinct, and he was always at the hospital. We rarely had time to talk about anything of substance, much less something as life altering as children. Maybe I just didn't want him to know… I don't know…"

Kate speaks in spurts, too quickly and then haltingly. She's saying this as much to herself as she is to him, and instinctively he recognizes that she has never worked through this, choosing instead to shove it down into whatever deep dark corner she puts her other secrets. She's pensive, thoughtful, determined. Rick, on the other hand, feels as though he's been staring at her for years, trying to make his brain understand the bits and pieces it catches. Sitting here, listening to her, physically hurts and he's afraid that if he makes any sudden movements or opens his mouth, he'll be sick.

"I never really wanted kids. After my mom died and the wall went up, I didn't think I could ever bring myself to care about another human being that way. I didn't even care about myself, so how was I supposed to care about anyone else? And then later, when everyone starting having babies, they just sort of… freaked me out…"

It's true. Outside of the occasional case, he has seen her interact with a child a grand total of zero times. He had always assumed it was because of that first kidnapping, the one where the team hadn't gotten to the kid on time.

"Then you came along and started chipping away at the wall and making me care… and you had Alexis and then suddenly I couldn't avoid interacting with kids because I liked her. She didn't freak me out. Maybe it's because she was already a real person when we met, or maybe it's because half of her genetic code is yours. I just… I started thinking that if I could have a kid like her, then the whole thing wouldn't be so bad…"

"She does have all of my best qualities." His attempt to crack a joke falls flat in the dead air between them. Kate shoots him a small smile, and he mirrors it, his face straining against the pent up hurt inside.

She crosses her arms over her chest and looks down, protecting herself from whatever demons surround her. It makes her look so small and lost, like a child shielding herself from an invisible nightmare creature. He wants to reach out and touch her, comfort her in the way she claims he can; instead, he's helplessly watching, praying that she doesn't self-destruct and shut down.

"The first few days, you tell yourself that it's nothing. Chinese food that had been leftovers a bit too long, or maybe the new place down the street undercooked your burger. But deep down inside, you know it's not the flu, it's now food poisoning."

Once again he feels the breath leaves his lungs, the weight of the moment coming ever closer to crushing him.

"You count and recount, and count again, until you're sure that you could count the days in your sleep. Still, you convince yourself that everything will sort itself out. But it doesn't. And then you find yourself walking down the longest isle of your life, clutching a box and hoping that no one notices you, and of course the cashier notices, gives you that little sympathetic look, and says 'good luck.' As if luck had anything to do with it."

He cannot believe that he is listening to this, like a voyeur peering in on a dirty little secret. He knows the biology, he is a father after all, and he's spent his life surrounded by women. But this? This is too much. Still, his legs refuse to move, his body rooted to the spot.

"And then… you're pregnant. I was pregnant." She chokes out the words, barely able to form them. Silence settles in.

"Kate?"

"Castle?" It's almost as though she's forgotten he's there, her eyes widening as she rips them away from the focus point she had found on the floor. He sees tear tracks; how long had she been crying?

"It's okay, Kate. You don't have to finish. I heard what I needed to know." His words ring hollow to his ears, and she recoils in her seats, as though he has slapped her.

"I didn't want it, Castle. Not the baby, not the relationship it would tie me to. None of it. At least, not with him, not with Josh." She makes a face, "He's an amazing person: dedicated, caring, giving. But he wasn't… he wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready. So I made an appointment to get rid of it." Now he's the one left reeling.

"Did you?" He's not sure he wants to know the answer.

"No. "

"So then what…" he swallows, "what happened?"

"I got shot."

No. No she couldn't possibly have been pregnant at Montgomery's funeral. He would have known! It was his job. For three years, he had stood beside her, watched her, and yet it had slipped past him. How could he have claimed to love her when he hadn't noticed it.

"They said I miscarried on the operating table. My body started shutting down… couldn't handle the stress of the surgery and the pregnancy. So I lost it."

"Did Josh know?"

"Not right away. I was asleep for a while… so we didn't talk much. But I guess you know that part. The sedatives and painkillers they gave me made me pretty groggy when I woke up, so I don't remember everything." She shoots him a look of sympathy. "Josh took a look at my chart and saw the notes."

"So he yelled at you for not telling him?"

"He got this look… I don't even know how to describe it. It was this immense sadness, mixed with resignation. And then he said, 'goodbye, Kate,' and walked out."

"Oh."

"I think he knew the reasons why I hadn't told him. He just had no more fight left in him."

"You know, he punched me when he saw me in the hospital."

"My dad told me all about that, when I was at the cabin."

She looks at him, and, for the first time it seems, she notices the turmoil of emotions on his face. There's the one that he always has, the one that she can only describe as love. But there's rage, too. And hurt. And something deep and dark that she has never seen before.

"Castle?" No response.

He stood, the feeling suddenly back in his legs as everything the woman in front of him had said began to form their story. He had long since forgiven, though not forgotten, about the lie. The one where she had managed to convince him that pouring his heart out had meant nothing to her. But this? How could Kate expect him to simply take all of this without a whit of apology? She had just admitted her awareness of his hurt and pushed it aside without a second thought!

He needs to be anywhere but here.

"I need to go."

"Rick?" She reaches out to grab his hand, but he shrugs her off.

"This. All of this... You… I'm leaving. " He snarls, unable to contain his newfound anger any longer, and walks towards the door that had been his welcome home only hours ago. This place that he has shaped into a sanctuary has been tainted.

"I love you, you know that right?" She says it as though it will make everything better. Usually it does. But now… now it feels like a slap in the face, a stain on everything they've tried to build together.

"I don't know if that's enough." The slamming door punctuates his sentence with a loud bang, dividing the couple into their solitary units once more.

Lots of love to all of you guys, whether your are new readers or returners who have stayed with the story since the beginning. We've got a couple more chapters left, and then I have some new stories to begin. As always, if you have the time, please review. As you can see, I do listen to them, and I try to respond to them as quickly as possible.

Twitter: The_Mad_Shadow